Take two

Ok.... so I take it back. I need some time with my very fondest deepest connecting moments, with my best friend. That would be Joseph Robert Lynn. I guess I am ready for today to be over. Not necessarily looking forward to tomorrow starting. I feel restricted and claustrophic and like I have no say or control. I can't be trusted to make my own decisions - I always end up fucking it up... so people that care about me try to step in and provide "structure" and "boundaries." I want to run far far away to some place where maybe it wont be a lifetime of effort and trial and error and struggle just to get to a functional place. ugh. That was me complaining. Nice to meet me. I dont need to be afraid. I need to just wake up tomorrow. Joe I'm trying so hard to keep hoping and trying and look to tomorrow. All that time I didn't realize that you had made up your mind. And I wish that I could of been a more positive healthy person. The kind of sad and pathetic thing is that I am every bit the mess I was back then, if not more. But see I always come back at myself with the thought that it might have been very very different if you were still here. So I'm letting go of remorse... it's negative and pointless - doesn't change anything. I am clinging to the you that I feel so incomplete without... the you that seeped creativity and intelligence from your pores... the guy who never stopped making poetry... whether the tool was a keyboard, a frisbee, drumsticks, a computer, some weird synth thing from the 60s, or a pen in your hand... whether during class or outside of it.... They guy who wrote little thoughts to me, your special girl in the margins of your class notes and was right there with me emotionally through so many hard times... they guy who tackled me with a kiss after having heard a song I wrote, the guy that makes my night if you show up randomly in a dream... See I only get see your face once every several months now... I always feel such gratitude to be reminded of your face. and today... because you were on my mind and I was cleaning out things... I came across some posthumous messages... and I was very encouraged. I like the idea of being me so much more when I remember you were part of my life. Pretty much all other times I'm not really feeling it.

There is definitely an uplifting, positive message, but the amazing brilliance of this song is that it could be uplifting for either someone who is relying the newness of tomorrow to continue living, or someone who knows that his tomorrow will be new in a much more drastic way, to which living is irrelevant. Either the comfort is to close the book knowing there will be another chapter, or the relief is that you won't ever have to read that book ever again!!!!

Which way am I reading it? Well , your way... which I can do because your decision and absence color everything I think, do, say, read... etc. Its like I am sensitive to observing your perspective at the same time as being obligated to oppose it... I "HAVE" to. j/k. Actually.. this song gives me peace big time. I do so love you, and I love it very much when you say things like that. Bottom line, why worry? It only prevents you from experiencing the present, like the setting of the sun or the rainfall that reminds us that there are simple, beautiful, reliable truths that will be there to help show us the way. Always. Always.

I love you Joe. Thanks for this. Thanks God. =)

A song by Joe Lynn:

There's a time

just when the

day breaks

The sun hits upon the fields

There's a sight that makes my mind race

A glimpse of polished steel;

The feel of mighty wheels

There's a girl

I know oh so well

She keeps my heart with tender loving care

There's a tale I've heard many tell

About a boy + girl and what they share

It's too much for one child to bear

I love the fields

I love the sun

I love when the day is done

I know there'll be a new one coming

I love the rain

I love the clouds

I love when the seasons change

I know there'll be a new one coming

There's a feel

That comes in the air

Just before it's about to pour

There was a time

When I didn't care

And called to the sky for more and more

It chilled my body to the core

And when the sun sets

I know the next day is on its way

The end of these

I have decided to move on from this blog, not that my stories of grief, elation, pain, bliss, frustration and wonder have ended. My journey continues. I choose to focus on a different aspect of life. It's the end of the last chapter of four years of a grief process, which will continue on for the rest of my life. Book 1 was the venting of a lifetime: somewhat self-indulgent in that I "could not" meaning would not control the passion that overcame me. Understandably so, this stuff is so hard. It hurts. It's confusing. I'm young and without clear guidance, positive energy, and consistent intentional actions it is impossible to conquer these things. But the love and help that I need is there. It is up to me to accept love. M talks about Joe being unable to receive the love that was being given him - the help that was being offered... he could not accept it while he was here, but he is learning how now in the astral world. I hope that this is true. And I want to learn to accept love and help here and now, so that I can be a good girl. If anyone has seen 127 hours, this movie speaks to this. Sometimes we get caught up in our own opinion of how strong and self-sufficient we "should" be, when really, we all need each other, and we all need God. We can't do everything on our own. It's okay to lean on someone else for a while, and learn to be strong. So I'm back in baby hummingbird mode, tiny and hungry, studying my heroes, learning how to sing with my wings and be a happy darting big hummingbird humming along from flower to flower helping myself and the world grow. I will begin a new blog.

I saw in a bathroom stall just last night a message from a friendly loving soul to me, and I give it now to you. Give it to someone else when you get a chance. We are all the same, together:

"There is still hope.
There is always hope."

That familiar hole inside of me

I need
love
close
close-os-er
Closer
to me
I need you
the music of your soul
in my ears
the entirety of your
YOU-ness
all up in my world
and maybe what I
True-
ly
need
is a source
a solid ground of guidance and tender care
from her-him that which defines love
It's a connection to Mulungu
that triggers the letting go
Or perhaps just nutures it
i am not the world
i am not this visual representation of me
this version of me doesn't do justice to the
I'm not here
this is'nt happening
I only am drawn closer to
the LOVE
for which I am created
that matches exactly
to the "T"
like a puzzle piece
the void in me filled perfectly
in a blissful, satisfying
everything-in-it's-right-place
sort of
rightness.
As human
I understand this love as Mommy,
as SAFE,
as comfort and completeness -
a deep breath of needing nothing
it is a gentle answer to my WHY
rather I no longer have
Need for why
I only am
Life is in the surrendering of ALL
to that "IS".
Yes.
Yes.
Yes

"He who sparkles in your eyes, who lights the heavens and hides in the souls of all creatures is God, your Self."
- Siva Yogaswami of the Natha Sampradaya.

Day of Joe

Today is your day
Joe is
You are
red vines and good times
sunshiny smiles and shimmering sounds
and love in my heart
in a long soft strong unwavering
beam


i'm for you today.

happy birthday joe.

Affirmation

I am a sailboat
floating in an ocean of You
Filled with the Wind of Your Love
Blowing me on a path unknown
Illuminated with the light of Your Grace
And all that is good
All that I am
Every thing and Every where and Every one
All that I ever will need
Is right now
Right here

6:22 and counting

All the words to this song
old
and also young
for someone else to hear and sing your
truth along
not right but
not completely wrong
always at least either
never neither
often each
this session will end in 3 fucking minutes





stream of consciousness. yeah mine is about the same rate as this piece of crap computer. i am grateful i am grateful

what battle am i fighting right now
don't even know
i guess fear is most defining over-arching
theme

don't know why i would be
not really afraid

just alone

where is all the love

see how can I fucking concentrate with a red blinking light in my face and
weakness

whatever

oh well

11/14/2010

I can't see her apart from my eyes

The organ played an old friend to a song
In a long forgotten language of
Obsolete order
Absolute ardor
You would have heard it all

It was all ok, but glorious.
It was enough.
It was fullness,
looking for you.

Are
we
found
here?