The darkness on the other side of the locked door

Well. Here I am. There you are. And by You I mean Me. I'm really talking to myself with this thing, which is the most ridiculous and meaningless and possibly destructive waste of time. I guess there's something worth while in the venting. What the hell else am I going to do with my incessant internal dialogue... besides drown it out with loud music so that I can focus on the work I'm supposed to do... having to yank out my already broken headphones everytime the phone rings or one of the staff needs something.

I am trying not to indulge in the feelings that threaten to overwhelm me. I truly am. It's just I can't get rid of the nagging voice that says life should be better than this. Life should feel better than this. And my life has already been tainted with too many failures, shortcomings, and heartbreaks...

Bottom line - I don't really know what I am supposed to do here. I can't go back, which is what I want to do. My attempts to move forward are not successful, or perhaps they are, but each step in the right direction is intollerably slow, and saturated with the pain of wrenching myself from the past I want to be my now, not to mention that all manner of obstacles, more obstacles arise in my path... and somehow I'm supposed want to keep going? Oh yeah... lets find out what tragic calamities await me a couple years from now....

I mean... I guess I could be looking at this all wrong. I am not very good at maintaining the proper perspective on time and the existence of both good and bad. If it's good, than it's very very good, but if it's bad it's absolutely horrid, and I can't seem to remember how it felt when it was good. Maybe I am looking on the negative side, feeling a little defeatist... But it doesn't really matter. I could try to reset. and keep trying. But right now I just feel like a very small, very scared, and completely alone little child... safe for the time being, but locked in an empty room surrounded by darkness that wants to swallow me up. And I am trying to be brave, but I don't understand why I am here. It doesn't seem fair.

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. It doesn no good to put my feelings into words when there is no problem solving involved. I just don't have the strength to make any decisions. All I know is that something is very very wrong with the narrative of my life, and there is a vital piece... a vital person that has been torn from the pages... and there's nothing but a jagged bleeding hole where there was once hope, love, a future, a purpose, a friend.

Now I'm asking You... how do you experience what has happened in your life, the painful undeserved stuff, and accept it somehow and get past it? Say something giant and indespensable and critical to your being, essential for the meaning of your existence, has been completely demolished, and find some way to make sense of it, and redefine everything and move on without it, hopefully with some sliver of hope for happiness? I don't know how. If I wasn't so darn competitive and proud I would surely give up. I want to give up. I want to be reckless and give everything up. Instead I'm wasting my existence locked in a room surrounded by darkness. Should I wait? Will an answer come if I wait long enough? Will I get stronger and tear the whole freakin building down?

I don't know. I'm tired. Times like these I just have to wait out the night... just get through it.