There is no need

to explain

There is no need

to explain

There is no need

for anything precious or common

There is no need

to postpone

or rush

I need to choose

I love the sky at night.

Wow

I"M SORRY EVERYONE

I'M FUCKING IMPATIENT

somebody

please be out there'

please convince me that it will be right
it's good

it's right to end my life.

it's ok.

is it ok that I wish not to see the beginning of a new year?

that I want to see one person, one soul

that I want to fly

please be ok.

I might be crazy, but i don't care

And I won't tell you

for fear that you'll think me crazy

not that it matters


cmon you all fuckin wish you could end your lives

and you don't

and you're hankering to see the person who's
willing to pull the trigger
or jump

I'm going to name the child I have in my next life
ladder
chair
skydive
pooponyourface
joyeatspuke
joysmellslikevaginaanushole
deathissweet
fuckyou

See?

yeah I can't even go there... I look at your smile in the pictures in my head and I - damn - you know there's nothing I can say right now. I can't articulate it... and it doesn't matter. It's just how many times can you say you miss someone so much, how many times can you just want and pray and plead that things are different than what they are... It's silly.

All I know is that love in the entire wholistic sense of the world... the most broadest and all encompassing definition... love is worth life.

I just love my friend Joe. And hey... I'm glad that this is my life if only because of the craziness and calamity and sorrow.. and of course wonder and spontaneity and love... I'm just glad that I had such an amazing person in my life. It sucks that he's not here now. I can't toss all these thoughts and stuff around in my head right now... I just feel a very powerful love for all the basic true soul centered honest lovely people that are forgiving and compassionate and willing to love. And that's Joe.

Whatever... right now every word that comes out seems so lame and lacking... weak. So I will just go out into the rainy coolness and feel what I feel and look up into the sky and focus on the beauty and love that I still feel and that I feel I will have for my whole existence forever for the rest of my life... and that's what is beautiful. I feel him close to me all the time because of that... because this is me in my life.

wierd.

making sense is not coming so easily right now...

time to go home.

I love.

"Tenderness comse from pain" - Sade

ignorance

Here's a question.

why is global warming causing freezing record-low temperatures?

we should call it global warming and colding.

actually there is a scientific factual reason behind this - I know - climate change was one of my GE classes... but who cares about science? It's not all that relevant to me in my vehicle-less - foraging for crumbs - either the mean or the cute guy gets the worm - disorganized - do you love me? - do I love you? - paycheck to paycheck crazy world. And my reality is only based on what is relevent to me. Like, lookee here - my mom is cold all you global warming peeps. get it together. for reals! I'm tired of this piddling around accumulating soda cans in our backyard, speed showering, waterless toothbrushing, no running through the sprinkler, no shaving cream or refrigerators or laminated name tags crap. I don't see any kind of positive turnaround trend... Why don't you think up some kind of global central air system? it's not that hard. just do it the same as in a house, but in the whole world.

ah but no one listens to little old me anyway.

you know it's freezing cold all up and down the coast... probably across the nation. So we can all pretend it's bringing us together if you want. Kinda like the holocaust brought people together. See? There is a happy face on one side of every coin. The face might be sort of mockingly smiling at you,, or smirk-smiling but hey - he's smiling. ("By the way why are there no American coins with a woman on it? are there no coin-worthy women in our history?? c'mon! I know there are no women presidents yet, but maybe we need to broaden the pool to include just generally cool people. My new goal is to kick Abe off the penny").

It's sad - even when Bush made us all start warring and stuff I still had to go work and make money. No prison camps or gas chambers for me... no desperate and profound clarification of the meaning of life. It's not fair. I might as well settle further into the soft bubble of ignorance, capture insignificant fleeting moments on my iphone and wait until I die from hyperstimulation.

Happy Monday everybody.

Midnight

at once both the ending and the beginning, a moment
so long and so fast I can see myself in it
frozen in infinite suspension

This is my midnight
It’s dark and my eyes are tired from seeking the sacred
that lies at the core of the mundane

I think I dreamt that moment came and went
and while I slept I missed the silent passing
The death of today becoming the birth of tomorrow

I suppose I could be dreaming still
waiting for a sign that morning
will come with a warmth well worth the wait

If so, then,
when I dream I’m awake
it will be to the endless soft sound of now

like the hush
of my hand on your skin
Like the rolling wave of wind

chasing itself across the desert
like snow
falling on snow

Won't You Take Me Home

Yes I know

I know it feels like you're going crazy... but that's all in your head.

But isn't my head where crazy comes from? I mean... hello. It is all in my head, and that's exactly the problem.

Well this isn't really crazy. It's more like succumbing. I dislike myself for my inability to jump straight to proactive positivity, optimism, accomplishing something amazing.

You really need to lower your standards. You are accomplishing amazing things. Like managing to not follow the footsteps to the shadows to the dense nowhere to the vast nothing on the other side... You are somehow still here, and happy sometimes, and energetic sometimes, and if it weren't for just wanting so much, and wanting to be so much, you would be averagely above average. Whatever. That's not really whats on my mind.

Well spit it out then.

I'm trying. Maybe I don't really know all the words to articulate the complexity of what I feel.

Maybe it's not necessary to articulate it.

Well how can I understand it if I can't articulate it?

HMMMM. I guess just be more like an animal. You know, when a horse goes blind, or when a dog gets arthritis or a bad hip or something... even if it was because of some other being's action or lack therof, they don't feel all sorts of feelings about it. They definitely don't blog for hours about it. They don't feel sorry for themselves, or have to go to therapy to get over their resentment issues. Emily told me that. Of course they want to feel better, but they don't feel sad for their own pain. They may experience post-traumatic stress or whatever or have fear and stuff. I guess plenty of dogs have had to go to Cesar Milans dog rehab center for fear issues or whatever. I don't know.

Yeah, well I was in the elevator today with the fedex guy, and I was thinking about how we're people but we're really just animals. He has a body, I have a body. These body things have the same functions, some of them smelly, some of them annoying, some of them stigmatized... that just seems so silly when you realize you are just an animal. The only difference is intelligence manifested in the ability to speak - to articulate or think our thoughts in words rather than instinctualized actions. (that and the debated existence of a soul). So why would I let a thing like language seperate me from my nature as just another organism so much that I experience fear and shame and self loathing, jealousy, anger, and the entire spectrum of wierd feelings to the point where I battle unwillingness to live? It's ridiculous. Why can't I be content simply to live? You would never see a wild animal jumping off a cliff because it thought, 'oh i'm never going to be able to take down that gazelle, or even if I do, I'm not gonna be able to take down as many as that big tiger in the next territory. My kids are going to hate me for not being to get as much meat... and I'll never be the king of the jungle, and anyway, this is too hard, i just don't feel like it.... etc'. Of course you also wouldn't find that tiger worrying about rent, and making money, and feeling frusterated because it can't afford to let the wild spirit inside them run free to do what it yearns to do... you also wouldn't find it longing for a friend that the wild dogs took down two years ago - entertaining the idea of finding the pack in the hopes of seeing that little friend again... and feeling incapable of handling all these intricacies of living life without him. And being utterly defeated - knocked down by the confusion, the dead end, the sudden drop off, and feeling so hurt so hurt so hurt that you would leave me this way... woah I guess I got a little distracted there...

Yeah you did. Wanna bring it back? You always say you can't leave a conversation until all the little tangents and digressions are brought back... full circle right?

Yeah I do. Skyscraper I love you... Time for a new EQ. I guess all I'm trying to say is: 1) Im just an animal with a heart and a brain and speech - so that interaction with the rest of my species is made necessary. It's a lot more simple to think of things that way... and screw it if I have to fart in the elevator. I don't care if someone else has to. If I were a dog I'd take a dump where I wanted to when I wanted... regardless if someone was there or not. Anyway... takes some of the pressure off to know I'm just like a little cub or foal or kid or pup or chick (well I am a chick and a kid - haha mr) that was born without asking to into the life and place I was and here I am... 2)For some reason I feel driven to sit here after work, spending precious and much needed time writing, delving, sifting, tossing, ruminating, trying to spell this all out. If I were to just go home I think I would just try to distract myself and I'd never get anyywhere... Even with the looming nebulous non-conclusion that will be more like a beautiful burnout I will have gotten somewhere. Most likely will just go keep living I guess. 3) um, there was a three... I think it's that, I can only do what I can do. I need to acknowledge that i'm doing my best, and just keep trying to get better. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe sometimes I just feel like I'm giving in to the pain and sitting in it not getting any better, but really I think the truth is that the pain is there. I have to feel it to get through it. Of course it's kind of debilitating. Do you have any idea how exhausting and time consuming it is to grieve?

I can imagine.

It's so hard. I tell him all the time - mr it hurts. and I still have episodes of the screaming why why whys and the I wish it had been me, and feeling like nothing is as important to me - NOTHING is more important than seeing you again and talking to you and asking you a million questions to figure out what happened and to say I'm sorry and to tell all the things - try and make things right, try and find understanding, and help you... you didn't have to be alone. AAAGH it's so fucking frustrating. How am I supposed to take harsh shaking feelings like this and coral them into something positive? I'm angry at life for dealing this hand to me. I'm angry that I am denied your companionship. I'm angry that I have to meet all these challenges and you don't now. I'm angry that now I have to sift through our entire 5 year relationship and all the things that happened, and work through it all alone - all by myself. It's not fair. And I just have to guess at your perspective now - I have to be you AND me in the conversation. Retarded. It's just so stupid. So needless. Oh maybe you saw it this way, or maybe you thought this or that... and really since it ended in your intentional death it's hard to keep holding on tight to a positive result - you know, not give in to the guilt and the heavy darkness that's always close at my heels. So whatever, I can do it. I will. But can I just for a second say that this really sucks?

Yes you can. It does. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.


these tears i've cried
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm floating in the darkness
well i can't believe that i would kep keep you from flying
and i would cry 1000 more if that's what it takes to sail you home
sail you home
sail you home

i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you
over silbury hill through the solar field
you know that i wil follow you

and if i find you will you still remember
playing at trains or does this little blue ball just fade away
over silbury hill through the solar field y
ou know that i will follow you
i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you

these tears i've cried
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if i'm floating in the darkness
well i can't believe that i would kep keep you from flying
and i will cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes to sail you home
sail you home
sail you home

Thank you tori amos.

Yeah, well thanks. It's nice sometimes to be given permission to grieve. I love my friend rebecca because she always says it's ok... of course thoughts about Joe are always coming up, memories of phrases, jokes, little cute things he would do.... and I automatically talk about it, but I'm used to shutting up around certain members of my family, because it seems to make them uncomfortable. I wonder if they are internally rolling their eyes. So my comments are always followed by an inwardly or audibly spoken "I'm sorry". But beautiful Rebecca always listens and encourages it. She always says, "it's ok, you can talk about him. tell me". I'm so glad I have her. And she tells me it's ok to talk about him in the present tense when sometimes I do by accident. So lately sometimes when I just feel so sad and there's nowhere to go and nothing to do I end up in front of the mirror being two people... my eyes burning with so much pain and sorrow and need for comfort, and my own eyes looking right back at me with love and acceptance and compassion... compassion that is also crying. I'm crying both because of and for my pain. It's nice. It usually helps. It tells me this is ok. You have a real reason to feel sad and this is real. All of this is real. It's ok. Feel it - go through it... and when there's no one to tell me there is love and support and 'we'll make it through this together' it's a relief to find I can do it for myself sort of. Or really. It's comforting to look into my own eyes. I see myself - find myself - gets rid of the sometimes bewildering detachment/isolation I feel - like I'm not really part of the world and I'm an alien or something.

That's good Hil. I would like to say while I have the chance, I'm proud of you. Just for being here. I love Joe. Joe loves you. I love you. That's kind of how it works I guess. This is actually pretty good therapy I think... as long as I/you don't develop a split personality. I don't think we can survive any more fracturing.

I don't know... I feel like nothing could be harder than this... if I get through this I think I could take anything... and knowing my life so far, I will have to. haha. that was a wry laugh.

Take heart my friend. All is full of love. You just have to trust it. (per Bjork)

You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love
All around you


So here we are, at the anticlimax. A plateau amidst the constantly climbing or falling emotional landscape. I'll take it. Time to rest for a while.

Here it is almost 7... i need to study music like mad. I'm not feeling very well. At least I feel better inside. I guess I wrote myself out.

off to home. and kitty. and the piano. sigh.

Things I wanna tell you

So there' a friend I'm very fond of that always used to love hearing my stories... when I'd get all excited and stuff.

So of course when I have something so fun and blissful and beautiful and I want to share it... well there's another moment when I feel your absence so acutely. It kind of stings. It kind of throbs. I kind of want to curl into a ball close all around it and just scream and moan and weep... but I know I am supposed to open up to it instead of closing up - you know, accept it, allow it, experience each ache. I find that I am so ready to find some kind of distraction... like pinching yourself to take your mind off of your real pain. Or Something. Anyway, each time I open instead of closing or running away, it hurts (of course) and takes a long time to get back to normal - to get back to my life as it is. I can't really be around people... and floods of memories come up and it's launching into that whole dialogue that I've been through so many times over and over again. And I guess I just hope that all this is somehow going to help me get better? I don't know... most of those times I feel like I don't even want to (get better that is) - I only want you to come back. That's why I'm kind of afraid to move forward because maybe somewhere in my silly heart I feel like you'll get further and further away... maybe I still harbor some kind of weird dillusion that you can come back... I know that can't happen in my head, but my heart doesn't feel that way... is that the "bargaining" people talk about? I don't know.

I was going to leave work and go practice in the parking garage... an hour and a half ago. I was only going to write down what I intended to talk about, but here I am actually talking about it. I really feel like I don't have time to deal with these feelings... I have to go do things and keep living and stuff. I already decided I'm gonna do that so there's no use rationalizing potential alternatives just because all of a sudden I can't keep the pain at bay. And then it's like FINE- go ahead, charge at me, run me down, I'm not even going to try and hold it off anymore. And then what next?

See it's so annoying, when you encounter something you can't stand- a situation absolutely deplorable- and there's nothing you can do to change it. I think up until now there have been lots of things that I've gotten frustrated with because I couldn't change them, but always eventually I convinced myself that I could accept those things. Not so with is. I guess sometimes... oh yeah it's just the up and down rollercoaster.

I went to a training session for this camp called Comfort Zone... (http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/) that is a camp for kids who are grieving the death of someone close to them. I so believe in this camp. Anyone interested in volunteering or supporting it in some way should. Anyway, just talking about death in a group) all of whom either experienced a painful loss or who just had a desire to help those who had) was pretty amazing. I maybe should have found more of a support group before... it was nice to not be alone... and I could see it in their eyes unlike the experience I've had on online groups, where it's just typing and digital smiley faces and cyber-hugs. Anyway... that feeling was beautiful and I know I could help a kid trying to survive this kind of pain... and maybe that would help me to find meaning in all of this.

Anyway that and singing the Verdi Requiem with the LA Phil this weekend, both things just made me miss you like crazy. If only you could have been there or if I could have told you all about it. It was amazing. It was tremendous. So many things reminded me of you and there were all sorts of parts I knew you would have liked and you could have given me your impression of Verdi and really babe there's nobody like you... so that's just gone, because I can't have that conversation with anyone. It's really sad. On the way home from Saturday's performance, I needed gas and I happened to be near USC and you were so strong on my mind, so I decided to revisit that gas station. That AM/PM where it all went down. It's kind of like a dream in my head - last stop of the night, going home to our spot together, sleep to look forward too, and then someone tries to mug me, and me screaming and running from them, and you getting out of the car to help me, and of course the next thing seeing your blood dripping profusely all over the parking lot - realizing you had been stabbed, calling 911, them taking forever, cops almost mocking us as they callously took our statement and decided almost immediately that there was no use looking for suspects... and then the hospital and the smell of morphine, and your poor arm and you being lost in a wierd tunnel of muted pain... and staying close to you all night to try and give you an anchor. I loved you so much then. You were so strong.

I think it's good to you know, confront these places and memories every once in a while... I'm trying to NOT be self-indulgent, but how the heck would I differentiate anyway. Whatever it's all up to me I suppose, and I felt like I wanted to go there because of you... I just remember the courage you had that night, your calmness, your ability to handle that scary situation that I still can't really comprehend. And I remember the fear that came on you after you started to heal, and how going to that gas station or certain areas would freak you out and your arm would start hurting. So anyway, I stopped at the same gas pump. I got out and set up everything to fill up... and walked the parking lot. I was looking for you because I'm so silly. Whatever it's me I don't have to have an opinion on how my head and heart go through this... but I was looking for your blood. Of course this is four years later, of course I'm not going to be able to find any drops... any evidence of that night. I'm sorry babe, but that was crazy. That was a crazy experience and both of us were probably affected in so many ways we didn't realize... and we were so ill equipped to process it and lacking good resources to help us. And everyone just said "you guys should get some after trauma counseling" and we were like groan, especially you, and I just thought I was brave enough to handle it. Right. And then fear and anger was always a couple thoughts away...

anyway, mr., mr man... I went there. I missed you more. I grieved for that night and what happened to you and all the hurt that followed. And I admired you - I just missed everything about you. And of course opened to those feelings of guilt and sorryness - i'm so sorry i'm so sorry... and it does nothing. And that's it.

There's no real resolution to this story, because it's not over. It never will be, and I will never fully understand. Sad. These are all feelings and thoughts and I needn't try to change them or label them as good or bad. They just are. It's a part of me - part of who I am now. So then I just have to turn the ship back into the wind and continue braving the storm and continue to hope.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you all about the concerts. They were so cool mr. And a million other things I think and feel but just can't seem to articulate right now.

I've gotta go or it's going to be tomorrow before I get anything done.

Stay

In the Memory of all those I love (and mainy my best mr joe. joe lynn.)



Stay with me
Close so that I know
You are
I am
Truly being
Here
Now
So that I will never be lost
I find myself with you
Eating buffalo wings
Hearing about the Padres or the Chargers,
Bummer, they lost again...
Skipping my brain and any kind of rules
as my everything goes
straight to the keys
Painting a picture of us and all da guys
And all the stuff
In unrestrained sonic animation
And dancin aroun being silly as can be
Naked
Abandoning reason or ettiquette or maturity
Singing, dancing, loving like a child
And it's you that are always there
And your little soul with it's own flutters and stutters
And fearlessness
And longing for truth
And compassion and hunger for FREEDOM
I love that you.
It's pretty amazing.
You are, I mean.
I am you.
Forever.

pain killers

Can I have a tylenol
For my heart
Being stretched to it's limit
With love
With longing
For you

It hurts mister. It hurts.
Sometimes I just miss you too bad.
And everyone always has to look over my shoulder
What's she doing now?

Oh mr. I love you. I wish I could still hear your voice
I definitely would check my voicemails if I thought
I'd have a message from you
Oh friend.

Certain times I feel it more than others.

Ho Hum

This is such a hard thing.

I don't want to let go, and yet I'm looking down a long path that leads to exactly that, and talking myself into each little inching step, coaxing, persuading, reassuring because I have to. Because I'm trying to believe something good will come of all this. And as small and insignificant as I feel, as little my contributions to LIFE might seem, there's no way to be sure. If I were to yank myself out of my little role as me in this life, a 26 year old little girl enmeshed by ups and downs and all arounds and steady companion to chaos, confusion, struggle... I'm sure the scene would be incomplete - more incomplete if I flaked, you know? I mean, the void would be bigger than I think. I just know that Joe didn't know. He just didn't have a good perspective on all that. I don't blame him. I've felt that way... Actually I seem to get a refresher course every couple of weeks. Luckily right now I feel well enough to know that I can't trust me sometimes. Anyway. I started writing because he was so much on my mind. I'm listening to my familiar Bill Evans Autumn Leaves, wishing I had a glass of wine to sip on, remember the visceral special way my mister used to enjoy things like that. Not at all in a pretentious or snooty way, just eager and savoring. And being happy for the special.

Yeah so to maybe try and satisfy this aching I get where I just want to talk to him so badly... I want him back agh
I read emails or notes from him, hoping it will be like he's here or something... And it only makes me miss him more. But it also makes me love him more. I feel like I'm blindly groping through this crazy grief thing. I don't know if I'm doing it right. And all the experts say there's no one right way... Everybody's different. But I feel like this is never going to end. More time more time...

An old email from him november '06:

"I am going to work soon, which means I will join you in the Ho Hum Dept. But nonetheless, I love my mister. And I love big hamburgers. But I love the former more in a strictly non-dietary sense. Well, alright, not strictly.
Wuv.
m
i
s
t
e
R"


Dear emighesstee-eearh (mister),
I am about to leave the Ho Hum Dept. Yeay! I was so anxious to leave right at 5 but then I starting thinkin about you and got carried away. So now I'm really going to leave. And maybe I will go home and take a load off, have a beer, play a tune or two, and wuv my mister of course. Thanks for bein a friend. The best. Talk to you. Wuv, your tee double "o" ess eigh ee.

Freedom

Freedom looks different from here.

Freedom is nothingness
Freedom is the ocean
when you finally reach it
and put your hands on either side
of your face to block the periphery
so there is nothing
nothing but sky and sea

Freedom is quiet solitary choice
Freedom is the old man
shuffling slowly down the sidewalk
looking to the west
clutching a blanket that will gain value
as the days fill the months
and he begins to see his shallow white breath at night
and the smiles he has from time to time
are never stolen
they never make it past the tangles of his dull gray beard

Healing

"When we are training in the art of peace, we are not given any promises that, because of our noble intentions, everything will be okay. In fact, there are no promises of fruition at all. Instead, we are encouraged to simply look deeply at joy and sorrow, at laughing and crying, at hoping and fearing, at all that lives and dies. We learn that what truly heals is gratitude and tenderness".

-Pema Chodron

nine eleven

success in that the work day is almost over

I'm just about at that place...

where i resign myself to turn away from the night

commit to another chapter.

ugh. I resist the thought but I want to give things a good ol college try.

have to say at least 50% of that desire is just not wanting to let people down.

I kind of just want to sing and dance the years away all life long. is there anything wrong with that?

give me a couple ounces and i'll let it all go

all of it

it's friday folks

i'm out of here

alone

alone
so alone
it's just a feeling
i'll take a loan on better days
how many times
have i been here before
...

that's all i can remember of that song.

I feel horrible right now. If I'm going to be honest. That's how I feel.
Horrible.
Alone.
Confused.
Pretend pretend.
I just don't know if I care enough. Nothing is what it seems.
I want to be good. but I can't.
I don't even have a claim to you anymore. So many people loved you. Not just me. I love you a lot. Not enough. The most? Did you like my love the most? It doesn't matter. Fact is, here I am. Alone. I'm just me. I'm nothing. Nothing is ok. I guess.

I just don't really care. Honestly. I want to just blow up and out and down and cry and truly show how I feel but I can't. I have to pretend. I don't know if I can live here. It's an act. It's a decision. Do I really have to make that decision. I want to stay other. Like mr. I want to be with him. and even that is unreliable. The best I could get isn't enough. Nothing is enough. Somebody help me... love help me find my way back to you... I want to love. I want to be good.

if you cry i'll throw my arms around you and my tears will mingle with yours
and i'll contain your shaking and hold you until the calm comes
close your eyes
when you wake it will be better
it will be better
just listen
to my voice
hmmmm
i
love
you

be kind please rewind

in my mind
the bloody knife
i hate the way i look in pictures
it's time to go it's time to go
even your death is disorganized
ceasing to be
the only order untouched by
unreliable variability
death. final. ending. complete. comprehensive. beautiful.
what am i writing about?
if he had never met me,
if i had never met him,
would we still be breathing
dust and ashes
in and out
check the expiration on that
don't wanna get sick
that thought has been in there for months i think
oh whatever
just be positive, it's probably fine
i'll take this moment to say
i warned you
thanks everyone
but i just can't stay
this way
it will never be like it was
too heavy all around
i'll touch base when i hit the ground

Charcoal

Come with me
It’s much quieter
Over here
Wrapped up tight and empty
And seeing clear through the illusion
Of life
And we can sink together
You near to me and I to you
Sinking deep, deep into her love
And rest

I’ve got an empty bed upon which I rest my tired bones
I’ve got a sleepy field upon which I like to roam
Come on little friend, come on little friend, my world is wide open

I want to go to a wide open world with you
It’s been too long
One time I went to sleep
Oceanswept I slept and dreamt of sad songs
And while I slept
You left a kiss on my cheek
I didn’t know
But now you’re gone I feel it there
Still right on my cheek
Kissing away
And now I dream of you

Come on little friend
We can sink together
You near to me and I to you
Sinking deep, deep into her love
And rest

wednesday

Stitches or no stiches.

Ok. The cut on my knee is still oozing a little bit of blood. It's been almost 34 hours. I know that's not a good sign. It's a good gash. I miss my mr. I don't want to go to the hospital... Partly because it will cost money, partly because I would have to leave work and that would be a hastle. I've always kind of liked scars. Not Kind of. Really. They have a story to tell to me. This can be a reminder of this experience, of my stupidity, of my triumphing over yet another hurdle. HOPEFULLY A LESSON LEARNED. I'm fine with another scar. Benefits of stitches would be the attention, legitimate evidence of the accident... Pity me feel sorry for me. Anyway... I attempted to squueeeeze it shut under a bandage, but I know as soon as I start moving it will come undone. It's weird - it doesn't hurt. Maybe nerves around the knee area are built to sustain more injury or something. I don't know. But whatever. I don't think I have it in me to go to the hospital, plus it would be urgent care and that SUCKS. And I just read anything over 12 hours old won't be stitched. Who knows if this internet info is reliable but I'll believe it. So fuck it. Here comes another beautiful keloid. Damn. Whatever. This isn't me anyway... I'm just stuck inside this old hunk of bones(in the words of my best friend). Oh mr. I think maybe I need to eat something. I feel a little loopy doop.

I really hope these racing thoughts stop... I can't do anything. Ummm how many hours of sleep did I get last night? Hmmm.

she's done it again folks... amazing

Yeah you've really done it this time. you have a highly abnormal abnormally high capacity for trouble. catastrophe capacity. Just call me CC.

Ok. Completely emotionally detached and objective.

Options:
1. Gunshot to the head
2. Mitigation: money money money try and fix the car try and fix their car, hope no one sues me for injuries then there's the red light bull shit ticket failure to appear money money can't afford sell my self prostitution 30 dollars for 20 minutes 60 dollars for 50 minutes
3. disappear. Find my passport and leave the country.
4. why can't I just let it all go and give it all up? Why why why why.

I hate this feeling. All too familiar. Regret. Remorse. An ache to reverse time and just have things back the way they were. There are several interesting aspects to this predicament and my perspective on it. The overriding one is that my situation couldn't possibly be worse. I mean before the accident. Now it’s a worser worst. But really at a certain point there's no where to go in terms of pain and turmoil. The pain - psychological, emotional, physical pain from losing Joe is like a constant companion... By my side in every situation. There isn't anything that can take that away, and there isn't anything that can top it. I've racked my brain. I've been through over and over again that whole long drawn out questioning and what ifs and if onlys and pleading to go back and have another chance and wanting to erase erase... So here it is again on a smaller scale. If only I had gone slower. If only I had gone home earlier. If only I hadn't decided to make that last stop. What was I thinking? Is it because of the medication? What if someone (besides me) had been killed? Why couldn't I have been killed. Would have made this thing so much easier for me. How fucking selfish of you Hil how can you think that? Your poor family. Look at all the crap they have to put up with because you're alive, and your death would only make it 100x worse. Stuck. You're stuck here. You just have to face it all with the limited resources you have and go through it and somehow magically figure out how you are supposed to live... Other people seem to have found a way to be happy without damaging themselves or their property or jeopardizing the safety of others... I feel so embarrassed of myself. That's why I would never tell my dad. Yes dad. That's me. Another car accident. They're just getting worse and worse. It's because I'm a girl isn't it? It's because I'm so much like my mother isn't it? I'm a good driver. But I'm a horrible driver. I suck basically. I have to say I'm trying. I'm trying to fix myself. Hence medication that might be helping, but apparently impairs my... Excuses. There's not even anybody I can make it up to. No one I can apologize to. Myself? It's not like anything I can say to the other driver will help him. And I tried and he seemed unwilling to accept. It does no good to be sorry. To feel sorry. Ok so back to emotionless objectivity...

Further influencing my perspective is my financial situation. I was already dead broke teeter tottering on a rock floating in the lava slowly melting melting... Waiting for a new rock to float by so I can jump before I melt. I haven't made rent on time for the past 5,6 months... I've gotten used to that ooh I don't know if I have enough in my account to cover this - oh well scenario. And also the waiting till the next paycheck procrastination. So the fact that I now am paying 35 bucks a day for a rental and have many hundreds that I will have to pay to even begin to resolve things, it's just one more thing... My car might not make it out alive from this craziness, and where will that leave me? I don't know. The bus. Carpools. Exploiting my relationships because I need something. Like a ride. Anyway... The excrement cake was already there, this is just icing. It doesn't really feel that different from before except for my headache. My sorriness. My longing for a hug - someone strong that can tell me I am too. The gash in my knee and yet another crossroads. Because if I was going to do it this would be a good time - a good excuse to check out. I'm off! But that's so fucking weak I hate myself for just thinking it. What a freakin baby. You laid the tracks yourself and now you wanna get off the train? That is LAME. I have no respect for that. But then again do I really have a whole lot of respect left at all? Not really. I guess right now my desire to escape is overidden by my desire to redeem myself. Hey world, I'm sticking around. I'll do my best to right my wrongs, even though it seems hopeless at the moment... But I'll make up for it somehow. That's one side of me anyway. I suppose I could look at the series of events in the past couple of years and see it as a losing streak... A string of failures... Or I could look at things as really tough challenges that somehow I've made it through.. So far. I've gotten this far. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that I won't be able to change and be that good person. Scared that I've really screwed up - that I can't handle my life. I just make a mess of everything. I'm good at a lot of things, but I'm not the most competent life-liver. Frustrating. I want to start over.

But I remember I am completely emotionally detached and rational right now. Yes I am. So I could throw up my hands and cry... But perhaps it's better to just act. Just do what I have to do. Don't think. Don't feel. Just do the right thing. So what is the objective? Somehow managing rehearsals/performances etc. This means planning transportation. Working out things with the insurance company. Should I go to the doctor? I probably have a minor concussion which is why I was so shaken up after the accident, and couldn't remember events after it. But I don't have a whole lot of time for the doctor. Ugh. Objective! Transportation. To the tune of the ringing in my ears plus 35 dollars a day. OK. That’s where borrowing money comes in. My poor mom giving me part of her inheritance and I don't even know when I can pay it back. Gotta find some cash. How can I do that? I think probably selling everything I can part with.

This is ridiculous. This is my chance. My chance to relive it all. Yes. It's my fault. At Fault Am I. I'm sorry everyone. I am numb and motionless inside... I am stuck inside me somewhere. This is me walking around at work trying to look busy. This is me answering the phone. This is me trying to feel trying to see the future. The future where I will make good choices, maybe get good driver status and live beneath my means, where I will be calm and consistent and where I will have lots of love in my life and give of my good to the world. Where is the future? It's nice to think of the future as being a place rather than a time. It makes it seem like I can GO there. It is very very far away. I can make it. I make a good endurance athlete. The important part is to just keep going. Eventually you get there.

I feel weird. And it doesn't really matter. I don't want to be me. I just want to be absorbed into the energy of everyone and the world... Be part of it but not an individual. I just don't have a good success rate. And I think I would do better without a body. Just to be a soul flitting around. Sigh. Oh goodness. I guess there's no harm in planning my escape route in the unlikely event of DISASTER.

Tip-toe tight rope walker on the fine line
Leaning side to side between
Potential and waste
Fighting fatigue
Yearning for
A bell to ring
And punctuate the ending
Some fanfare, applause
Good job next performer
But the show must go on
Take your shoes off
Take a breath
Make a wish
It's gonna be a while


doo doo doo dee doo

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Hide and Seek

Ok so do you remember the Hide and Seek song... I may have written about his before.

I don't care.

I remember sitting with you in the dark... listening to it for the first time. That is one of my most treasured memories. I remember your apartment on Exposition. A block away from where you were stabbed... accross the street from where I thought I heard a gunshot and felt compelled to go out and see if someone got hurt, and you followed me (cus you were the sweetest), and then it was nothing and then we got locked out of our apartment because we both ran out without the keys. Wow. That was a night. And of course we had ordered pizza that I was going to pay for, and my wallet was inside. So the pizza guy came and then... I can't remember if we got to eat it or not. I do remember that we decided to break in to our own place... through the window. A window that was covered with metal bars specifically designed to keep people OUT. And I said, oh we'll just bend the bars to squeeze through... but before checking if that would actually work, we broke the window. And of course it didn't work. We tried to use my belt to bend the bars, and my belt broke. Man were you frusterated. And boy did I feel stupid and lame and sorry for you... I said, never you fear mr... I'll run to campus and figure it all out. So I ran to campus... by myself. Didn't get mugged... found a pay phone. I'm not sure how that helped, but I think mom looked up a locksmith for me. Or I called someone else to look it up. then it was back there. I think a locksmith showed up and we got let in. and then I'm sure as we lost ourselves in eachother and a cloud of sweet smelling smoke everything
was
just
fine
more than fine.
wonderful.

break: is it a problem that I am painfully aware of what goes on in my peripheral vision. why the fuck can't I just focus on one thing? I don't know. Hey everybody. work is over. I don't have to do one more stitch of work... no sir I can do whatever the hell I want to. so there. just thought I'd announce that. Because yes I am still technically at work, but yeah it' snot working hours so I can if I want make a basil mojito that's basically is just basil and vodka.

And then there's send the pain below... which reminds me of a strong mr telling about lifting weights in high school... and maybe thats where you hurt your back. =( and working out in the usc gym that was some of my favorite times, and I loved your maxing face when you were working hard. Hey mr... I can actually do dips now and pull ups. you would be proud... but then that's kind of slowed these days because I can't get out of my head. And then in the gym we'd hear that megolomaniac song... and remember the music video for that one? I always liked that song. You were my favorite work out buddy. Were were were were were. HATE that word.

So a musical journey to the past... How am I supposed to not hold on to the past when these things remind me of you and I love my memories because it's all I have left of you except faith. hmmm.

so now I need another good one... ummmmm

Caroline, No.

Oh mr. I don't think I've listened to this with headphones. Rocks my world. It's so heartbreaking. And I see you singing that last part.... oh caroline, no... did you know that the percussion sound at the beginning was made by the drummer Hal Blane using an empty Coke bottle. And I think you told me it was originally called Carole, I know. I love it mr. and then a train comes rolling by.... Could we ever bring them back once they had gone.... oh caroline no! Very tender mr. And you had the perfect falsetto voice for that part too. for that whole song. I don't think anyone be me ever got to hear how beautiful your voice was. was was was was . I hate that word. But it was beautiful.

I only get to write until the reflection from the sun makes it impossible to hear I mean see the computer.

I feel like I'm eating cat food spaghetti. It's all right. Chef Boyardee. hey I'll pretty much eat anything.

ok... I closed the blinds. Thing is... I'm tips now. I'm numbed sufficiently. I'm at that place where if I start thinking about you I'll go off the deep end. Is that your secret? I WANT TO KNOW!!!!! Did you just get fucking wasted and pull the trigger? I know you weren't smoking that whole week. I can't think about this. NO No NO. but I can see if you were drinking a whole bunch to just be like... fuck it. I can do it. I can do that one thing,. Because you don't really have to think about the future, about consequences when you're anesthetized. I want to see it. I want to see you. I hate seeing blue honda crvs. I hate remembering listening to this song... speeding cars, in it... listening to your voice give me your opinion on it... holding your hand - it's fucking hard this letting go shit. I don't like it. I feel you here in me all the time. It's enough all this is enough for me to just throw up my hands, make a martini and writie some songs. Fuck everything. Nothing matters. I can't even make you the special basil mojito drink my broham showed me. and I can't even show you what I've been writing lately. whatever. that's fine. whats not quite right now... whats slowing me up maybe is the past... all those years. back to hide and seek...

that room on 28th street... such wonderful beautiful times with you. I love that spot. I'm so tempted to go back and ask Daryl if I can live there again. silly. That is definitley not healthy. I fucking love Imogen Heap's voice. I think just a tiny bit more VK. Yeah... and then home and a song or two. and charging my phone. Yeah... so my other picture of this song... i wanted to listen to it a million times in a row... something you totally understand...(wuv!)... yeah and I went and sat in the blue dish chair we got from target and I put the speakers up real close to my ears super surround sound mr and listened to all of it... and made up my harmonies... and you came over and kissed me, and you had that cute smile. geez. oh mr. I feel like you're still here.

god. I want to live back then. I'm a lost scared girl.

I love you.

Yeah... so I remember that. I remember the curtains in the window, and our bed in the corner. And I remember you. and me. struggling to figure out our spinning worlds and confusions and love and passion and dreams... and loving eachother, and not knowing how to handle life. God. What a mess. And you're gone my friend. Here but gone. I am here. I am here. I am here. Here I am. Am I here? Sigh big time. I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. Is it horrible that I just want to go back back back in time. please. and I can't. Oh mr. What drug can I do to make me dream about you?

whatever.

your breath is in my ears
you music in my soul
your heart in my heart

Look at this art friend... what do you think they're singing about?

All games they play
Undead and awake and returning within
You are a devil, they say and its candy
How long Ive known this seed burst and grown
Youre the one that I love
You are the one that I trust, and its candy

When they speak of the open door
And the way youve flown its fine
When they show me the evidence
And theyre talking down your memory
Nevermind the words they waste
They cant see youre mine
Waiting here until words run out
Dreaming of the day when you
Open your arms in the light of our love...


I have to go... talking to my lil sis. gotta go home play a song and go to bed. hopefully I'll dream of you.

4:21

I am ready for my next drink

What will I do with my buzz?

write a song...

another girl with father issues... how fucking original

I like my dad when he's drunk. Or a little bit tipsy. I think he does too. Maybe he likes to be a dad when he's tipsy...

I try to have compassion. I know he has not had great examples in fatherhood - poor guy. He was somehow able to be strong and at least go make something of himself. But he's not able to pass on how he was able to do that. Now he has plenty of money. Is he happy? I don't know. I as his daughter am not priveleged to know these things. Nor am I privileged to disclose to him that I am struggling. To ask for help. He looks down on me for "being like my mother". In my right mind I can't resent him... Because I know what kinda shit he went through. But in my wrong mind I resent him like crazy. Why? Because I wish I could talk to somebody. I wish he would man up and say, don't worry honey, you'll be just fine. Here's what you need to do A. B. C. I'm fucking 26 and I'm worry about this? What kind of screw up am I? Whatever I'm trying not to judge myself on my father's terms. But it's like, damn I could use some fucking help here and I can't even tell you what I'm struggling with. I can't even tell you honestly what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling. I have to put on some act like I got it together. I really am feeling so fucking hopeless I can't stand it. All I want is a way out. I'm thinking up all these ways of escape. And also knowing that it's probably not going to work out. And everybody wants me to get it together and answer my phone. Well geez. Joe didn't budge a bit. Oh Joe. I wish we coulda switched places. You kinow, like maybe just make the decision that this life isn't really working out for me, I'm going to move on to the next one. Whatever. I've gotta pull myself out of this on my own. That's the only answer.

I want to stop eating all together. Waaaaaaste away.

Wipe the slate clean. Start from nothing. Nothing matters. One way or another it doesn't really matter.

And I'm supposed to be focusing on faith hope love in that order.

Have some faith girl, it might help you.

But I can't I'm too tired. And too worried. I can't handle this life.

Well you're gonna handle it.

I gotta find some other way to live.

I wanna show you this song

Hey..

Just cus I miss you so darn bad, thought I'd say hey.

Ummm mr don't know if you ever listened to Band of Horses... But theres this song. I like it. This would be the sort of song I'd come home and say hey mr listen to this one. Tell me everything. Tell me what you think. Like it? And you might like it or might not... I could never pick out your tastes, but you'd at least always talk to me about it. You'd listen to me say oh I like this guitar riff here, or this harmony in the chord progression, see listen.... Or something like that - and if you liked it I'd feel happy that I picked out a song you liked. You always had the coolest tastes. But anyway... I like this song. Way simple and amateur so then the emphasis is on the melody... You might say, ummm well it's a little repetitive in the guitar part... I don't know. I just like the chorus part... The "no one... Is ever gonna love you more than I do" part. And that pretty cute little part at the end in the geetar. Anyway, I don't know if you know how much easier that would make by day, to know I could go home and show you all the tunes I was listening to at this place this under my fingernails nerve grating place, in the chaos and confusion of my life where I just want to be a good girl, and it just seems like I can't, and I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I could go home and get a squeeze from a friend who understands. It would make everything just make a little bit more sense. And I don't know if I even valued it enough when you were here. Silly me. What am I missing out on now while I'm hiding trying to figure out what I can do to make it back to unconscious sleep... Maybe this antidepressant will work, maybe this workout will do the trick, maybe this plan will, oh fuck it - I can't get away - I like myself a lot more with a little vodka in my system... Oh mr. today will be a hard day. I am trying... Trying to be at peace, trying to see the truth, trying to love... It's just hard. I guess it's not supposed to be easy to keep yourself together. I wish you were here friend. I know you are, just in a different sort of way, and I just wish I didn't feel so lost, flailing around - I know where the truth is, but how am I supposed to stay there, I have to take care of all this stuff... Oh well. I'll be strong. Part of the reason why is cus of you. Cus I hear your voice in my head telling me, you can do it, you're a strong girl. So thanks friend.

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is a better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

and no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

Do anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
Don't ever want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

And no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
no one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard

ok i get it sort of

Not feeling sorry for myself:

It's more about not indulging those painful overwhelming emotions. This is a very subtle thing. How do you feel them and accept them within yourself without over indulging them. Tricky. I shall try. So feeling pain is ok. but going over the top and sinking into a non-functional pity party is not ok. I don't know how much of this is controllable, but probably more than is immediately apparent to me.

All this stress:

I forgot that I am here, alive, in the world, and that simply by being I'm serving my purpose. There is this engrained idea in my head that I have to BE something, I have to DO all these things, and I have to look a certain way and I have to be smart (learned) and beautiful (according to everones different standards, and really good at everything from any sport to soduku and blah blah blah... that's a lot of pressure. Makes time feel to short. Means I can't really be living my life until I'm all up on everything. That's difficult when I'm scratching together enough money to buy new tennis shoes or a performance outfit and barely able to have enough for a load of laundry and gas. and my full time job sucks away all my time. and I'm struggling with the death of my best friend still. So I went to a yin yoga class last night that was so beautiful... a crazy journey in my racing and distractible head that is so riddled with negativity. An hour and a half went by I was still grappling with myself and struggling to not dissolve into self hatred... letting go and grabbing on, back and forth back and forth for the whole class. And it's not like I was enlightened at the end of it, but I continued to stand up to myself, to try to calm myself, to slow down, to find some love inside me, to find God... I felt so lost. And back and forth... i couldn't find me. I couldn't find God, I felt distant and removed from everything... but what I did find by the end, was some faith. Some faith that even if I can't feel it, God loves me. God holds me and everything else. This was such a relief. I envisioned God as my mother comforting me, and just opened up my heart with all the stress and pain and despair, hoplessness, guilt, love, etc.

Joe:

As I saw myself in the presence of my Divine Mother, seeking and longing to be swallowed by love and nurturing and comforting, I began to feel a closeness of an amazing calming soothing presence, and I thought I should try to let go of some of the overwhelming feelings about Joe I've been having. Because I miss him so much it's been almost unbearable. I know I'm not the only one who has lost someone. It's just that I don't understand how anyone does it. I just didn't have enough time with him. I just can't conveive of my future or my identity anymore, and everything seem so confusing. And I would give anything just to feel close to him again. That together with all the regret about, he would of been ok if this, and I coulda helped him figure things out if that, and what if what if... still? I made it past the one year mark. Still? how long is this going to take? How can a bear a lifetime of this kind of pain? Ok, so as I was sitting in the lap of this giant comforting mother, feeling some kind of strange peace, I felt from her, It's ok to feel all these things. It's ok. Don't be afraid. And I relinquished, I surrendered, and that felt better - the pain is still there, but it's ok to feel the pain. I don't have to run from it or be all better. and then as I allowed myself to feel everything withouth the fear it was kind of like a peaceful pain, a kind of pain that made me smile, and I said to God, divine mother - I don't know where he is, I lost him and I have all this love and I can't find Joe to give it to him, and I don't want him to be hurting. and she opened her arms and showed me that Joe was right there with her, see he's here with me too. and then I felt flooded with relief again because then I knew he was all right, and that I can find Joe with God in peace, and I was smiling at him, but just a few tears were falling, slow calm tears, and I looked at Joe, who was more of a voice and a heart that my heart recognized knew so well, and he reached out his hand to touch mine and a beautiful warm light was coming from him and his hand, and love was written all over his face and he smiled back, and said quietly, hey girl. and then I just stayed there for a moment in a peaceful beautiful space being held in the arms of God and resting together with my dearest friend being surrounded by love. Pretty soon I started to feel a little anxious that I was going to have to start moving again and go back to conciousness in the normal world, and I really just wanted to stay there, but then I knew that space is always there. And I have so much more peace knowing where to find Joe, and having faith that love is there - that there is divinity so much bigger than myself and my short little life span... that is the source of life. There is a source to go to.

ok, so faith leads to peace and love.

So as I left the studio at aroun 10:15 I walked back to the car garage, but I didn't want to get into the car and go home. I wanted to linger with these thoughts and the letting go and the memory of finally connecting with him. So I walked back. It was slightly windy, but warm. The full moon was shining so bright, I could see all the darker blue amidst the shining silver. It was beautiful. I just wanted to hear the sound of the waves. I walked accross to the beach slowly, remembering, smiling, breathing. And I sat there at the water listening... waves are so stereo, they go back and forth horizontally, split in the middle and surround you left and right, and then come back to crash into eachother in the center... I love the beach at night. The sand feels cool. The water looks like a black rolling mountain except on the edge where the foam of the waves shine... especially if there is a lot of moonlight. And I whispered my gratitude for everything. Thank you.

So that was where I realized, I don't have to work so hard. It's ridiculous. I just have to be, and seek love, seek the truth. So now, I try desperately to remember that.

I don't know how much of this stuff is "in my head" but I do believe in God, as a concept, as in something bigger than myself, as in a source of love. And I know that what I saw in my mind last night was the most comforting illuminating experience I've ever had, so it's worth so much regardless of what it is. and it felt real to me. I know in meditation they tell you to value highly any visions that are seen. and I do.

My intentions to get up at 5am and go buy coffee for the office were not realized. This threatened to derail me. But I'm holding on to peace. And of course feeling close to my mr. Now I just need to find a way to learn more. I think I need a teacher.

on to the rest of the day. love. peace. humility. faith.

it doesn't matter anymore
if it mattered before

beautiful

I don't belong here

everything is too salty

I don't want to see my father.

why not?

I'm not good enough.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

ok. stupid bitch. stop feeling sorry for myourself. weakass baby.

see? better isn't it?

oh yes. I never saw that before. it never occured to me. this whole time i've been needlessly suffering all because I was pitying myself. brilliant.

and now what do you feel?

now I just want to shoot myself in the head?

see? better isn't it?

much better.

now go eat a bucket of shit.

ok! yeay. this is fun.

isn't it? life is the best. shit. buckets. what more could you ask for.

well I don't know, maybe a friend to eat with. but that might be too much to ask for.

yeah. and anyway he might just shoot himself in the head and leave you with your head burried in shit.

yeah. it's probably best this way.

you're not feeling sorry for yourself are you?

no, not at all. I love this. I love this empty meaningless job. I love never ever living up to my potential. I love overdraft fees. I love failure to appear court notices. I love hearing about Julia Hawkinsons personal deficiencies and how fast her kids are growing until I swallow my own vomit. I love the sound of miss peppy indian fashion model in the corner being happy and an incessantly ringing phone. I LOVE being alone and misunderstood and communicating poorly and fucking weekly safety tips and wanting someone to fucking crash into my car headlong so i don't have to fucking see my own face in the mirror anymore. I LOVE IT. I love never feeling sorry for myself but just slapping myself in the face a couple times and screaming at the world in the elevator. I love constant dissappointment. I love emptiness. I love huge huge huge mistakes mistakes mistakes that cause you to lose to lose to lose to lose the one person you could trust. it's b3eautiful. beautiful. I love it all. and the good thing is it's all a big joke. it's funny see?

well i don't know about that. i don't find anything very funny.

well that's because your a fucking blind ass prick with fucking i'm better than you up your perfumed ass hole.

oh. well hey. you're better now right?

yep. all better. I feel fantastic.

good because... SURPRISE!!! you're on candid camera! ok just kidding you're not really but you are on stage and everyone is watching you! yeay! haha. now THAT's funny. look at her blush and not know what to do with her hands. I'm gonna go take a dump. I feel like I have perot's head in my ass.

ok. I'm going to strip and fart in everyone's stupid stuck up faces. and then I'm going to pretend.

what else is new.

life is grand.

the end.

songs that remind me

Everytime the day
darkens down and goes away
Pictures open in my head of me and you
Silent and cliche, all the things we did and didn't say
Covered up by what we did and didn't do
Going through every out I used to cope
to make the repitition stop
What was I supposed to say?

Now I never leave my zone
we're both alone
I'm coming home
I wish I'd never seen your face.

~Elliott Smith


Probably one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Reminds me of a friend of mine.

For a little contrast another song that is my mr all over

Oh Mr Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there Mr Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Everybody smiles at you

Mr. Blue you did it right
But soon comes Mr. Night
Creepin' over
Now his hand is on your shoulder
Never mind I'll remember you this way

Yeah, so it's clean up the desk and rush out for cycing class. Oh yeah it's at 6 not 6:30. I forgot.

Ummm, I bet you wish you has stuck around for all the fun of a mundane job and striving striving, and the craziness that life is when all of a sudden you have to care about the formatting of a transmittal or what color font you use for the table of contents. I was laughing today thinking about that. Felt like maybe you were there hanging out with me since you were so strong in my mind and maybe listening to cool tunes with me, so I was thinking, geez, i bet you're really bummed you missed out on all this super fun stuff. wink. haha. I have to go. Just Keep Moving and maybe you'll pull ahead in the last lap or two...

a stranger to myself and to the world

You explain this world to me with an image. I realize then that you have been reduced to poetry: I shall never know. Have I the time to become indignant? You have already changed theories. So that science that was to teach me everything ends up in a hypothesis, that lucidity founders in metaphor, that uncertainty is resolved in a work of art. What need had I of so many efforts?

The soft lines of these hills and the hand of evening on this troubled heart teach me much more. I have returned to my beginning. I realize that if through science I can seize phenomena and enumerate them, I cannot for all that apprehend the world. Were I to trace its entire relief with my finger, I should not know any more. And you give me the choice between a description that is sure but that teaches me nothing and hypotheses that claim to teach me but that are not sure.

A stranger to myself and to the world, armed solely with a thought that negates itself as soon as it asserts, what is this condition in which I can have peace only by refusing to know and to live, in which the appetite for conquest bumps into walls that defy its assaults? To will is to stir up paradoxes.

~ Albert Camus, from An Absurd Reasoning

Camus touches on the duality of man's longing for knowledge (to understand the world) and mans need for happiness, and the struggle that results from the clashing of those dynamics. The world and life cannot be fully explained or understood. Chaos and irrationality are a part of life.

Acceptance is the only option... which Camus likens to "the total absence of hope (which has nothing to do with despair)".

This reminds of Pema Chodrons writings on our constant striving for security - a security that cannot be because of the nature of the world. Things are always in transition, always changing. Something will always happen to upset your balance. You will never get the ground under your feet. It is unrealistic to think so. The trick is to embrace that shakiness, the uncertainty, the chaos... she calls it staying with the feeling of hopelessness and says that is the path of true awakening. Maybe hopelessness (not despair) can allow us to stop struggling so hard, to relax with all those fears and worries and questions, to not necessarily understand death but to have a healthy relationship with it. There's a lot more to that essay, but it's pretty dense. Will take some time to digest it.

I like the way Camus writes. I will have to read more.

It's been a long day. It is time for me to move on to better things. I will go play soccer at 6:30, have dinner and then see about getting a couple loads of laundry done. This office feels so stifling... Very soon I will be on my way to different things.

I really value clarity of mind. And yet I often jeopardize my own clarity of mind. Today I feel a bit foggy. I think I can identify some reasons why I may feel this way. This is something to take note of for the future (although it might not in any way alter my choices, but awareness is the goal I think).

how are you feeling

I am feeling helpless

I am feeling more like an observer than a participant in life.

That's ok.

What's it worth?
Enough is never enough
Lets have a little moan
Put the world to rest sit back and watch it all slide by
It's a view from a train
Pay somebody else to drive
See the suits
I see the suits
Sunning themselves on the steps
Of the supermarket
and I think of you when I'm alone like this
Burning from the inside...



OH my.
Everything is so fast. How do you make it slow down? Don't ask me.

I remember how it felt to be so close... to be intertwined, my legs and your legs all wound around eachother. So warm. So close. Enveloped in the unique smell of our combined scents. That seemed to make the spinning stop. Wish there was a word for how much I miss that.

I'm gonna go run it all out till I'm too tired to think.

(miscellaneous)

I recognize it

I forgot what I was going to write about it... But lets see.

Analysis.

I WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD! I want to swallow it whole and spit out all sorts of creations and be wild and have fun and....

Yes I believe I exhibit the behavior of mania from time to time. Things get too much... And so what do I do?

In my frustration, I buy all sorts of sushi. I buy all sorts of alcohol. I eat. I drink. I purposefully get blitzed so that I am over flirtatious with everyone. So that I cannot contain my sexuality. I have fun. I talk and laugh loudly. I drunk dial people late at night trying to find the hookup. I consider drugs. I go knock on peoples doors at midnight. In hindsight... As fun as it is, I think I should rein it in a bit. It's a little bit overwhelmoverthetop. And it's dangerous.

So that's that.

So now, all I care about is keeping the energy up. Cleaning my apartment. I will! Yes I will. I can do it. That will be tomorrow morning. I won't stay up too late tonight. Or maybe I'll stay up all night. Ha ha ha

ok. I must contain myself if I want to not have a bad low.

Last night was an adventure into excessive behavior that resulted from frustrations that had escalated through the day... So I wanted to go CRAZY. I purposefully didn't even try to control myself... Kind of an experiment. I was observing my manic behavior. But I did have fun... All the way through. It was interesting. Since I was kind of aware of it but allowing it I have a better picture of what it's like now... For the other people and for myself. Like the next day when I look at my phone and random calls/texts made to random people, etc.

This is because my sister (the doctor one) said that I seem to be more manic depressive then just depressed... Which totally makes sense. That's where you fluctuate between extemes of the emotional spectrum instead of having a neutral normal place. I never realized before. I've had a long-time diagnosis with severe depression, but I think she might be right, so I've kind of been trying to track my behavior. Whatever. So yeah I'm going to be working a little harder on finding a middle ground for my moods.

Because before my witnessing myself... I would have said but no I really like that. I like to be crazy. I like to feel that wildness. Well now I think it looks kinda bad. It's not realistic. It could become tiresome. It can get me into trouble. Like is there a reason the garage gate was broken this morning? Who knows. Yes I like to be uncontrollably happy, but I think I can put a little moderation in the mix and still keep some happy fun fun ness in there. And probably end up with a lot more enjoyable and rememberable nights, more productive days and cleaner less embarrasing relationships.

Yups.

Here I go. Yoga. Invoices. Clean up. Dancing. Fun Fun Fun Fun Fun. The most wonerful wonerful thing about me is that I'm the only oneIMMMMM the only one.

limes, serving sizes, and my favorite meal - entry from yesterday

Ok, lemon and water has been recommended many times, but I have discovered that I much prefer lime and water. Lime is amazing. I love it. And in a tight spot I can pretend I'm drinking a Vodka soda/tonic.

Check in with the servings...

I actually have been doing ok with the veggies... I just got worried because it seems to fill up a lot of room on my plate, and makes me so full... This is a good thing. I am very surpised at how filling veggies are.

My favorite meal these days goes like this:

Prepare toaster oven or baking sheet with a layer of foil. Take 6-8 oz white fish of choice and put it in the middle of the tray, sprinkle cut cilantro on top.

Cut a couple slices of:

Zuchini
Squash (italian, yellow, summer are in season right now)
Red pepper
Broccoli
Onion
White mushroom

You only need a little of each because all of them together will make about 1.5 to 2 cups. Top with cut up cilantro and fresh diced garlic. 2 cups is a total of four servings of vegetables, so this is enough for 2 meals (lunch/dinner) and a snack.

Then I put this pretty and colorful mix around my fish of choice (6-8 oz for two meals depending on how active I will be that day), and squeeze lemon juice over the whole thing.

Cover with another piece of foil and cook at 275-300 degrees for 25 minutes, or until fish is cooked.

I take a half portion for my lunch, and garnish with some apple slices and/or other fruit.

Surprisingly, the perfect bite has fish, mixed veggies, and a little apple bit... The sweetness of the apple is the perfect compliment to the spicy garlic, and tart lemon.

Favorite part of this, it's all natural. Only fruit, veggies and fish. No olive oil or butter, etc. The lemon juice ties the whole thing together and is not overpowering once cooked. And the flavor of the veggies comes out, so you can really focus on the individual flavors of each different kind of veggie. I drink a good 20 oz of water before I eat and more during, and I am full and satisfied by the end of the meal.

Just need to find a way to make this process faster... like cut up the veggies and portion them out beforehand.

thoughts and research and more trying

Affirmation of the day:

I am filled with divine light and love. It satisfies me. It fills me with peace and a desire for what is good, and an openness to share with others. I choose to be mindful of each action and am empowered to find balance in mind, body, and spirit. It is a beautiful day. I am happy.

Ok.Quick recap:

Weekend: fun but I did not complete all my objectives
I did not make it to yoga.
I did not post my ads and work on resumes.
I did not do much on the apt.

And now it's Tuesday. I overslept today instead of getting up early and walking to work. Woke up with a start at 8:30am after having weird dreams that I don't remember. And was not able to wake up early yesterday either. It's ok, but I need to continue to persevere and gently try and figure out what will work for me.

Yesterday - ate well. Mainly fruit, veggies, fish, and a little chicken at night. Did three sets of stairs in the building - that’s 1,236 stairs. Went running at the beach, but my body felt tired so I didn't do much... Turned into intervals on the beach, which was all right. Managed to do a short ab workout when I got home. So all very well and good.

I am working on forgiving myself for past mistakes. It's very hard in the realm of what went on with Joe. I'm still amazed at the feelings that suddenly well up. The other challenge is to take things one at a time, not get overwhelmed by a barage of thoughts and intentions, but to focus on the action at hand.

I went to SRF on Sunday and it was good. Have a desire to learn more. Going to try and do the meditation this Thursday, and might buy a ticket to the convocation in August.

Goal for today, refil prescriptions, write music lesson advertisement. Maybe cycling class tonight. We'll see.

My mood, mind, everything is getting more and more weird with each minute.

Frustrating. I better pull myself together. Whatever. Think I'm just emotional. Well I guess I always am. I miss my mister. I miss that friend of mine that I could talk to. I'm really trying to open up and feel this stuff and go through it. I just feel like I'm never going to be on the other side and I don't want to. Because I'm scared that I'll lose him. Funny..not... But having a relationship with someone who's dead is like having a relationship with someone who is just never there... Except at least you could have the comfort, the asurance that they were warmed by the same sun and breathing the same air. I guess my favorite thing of all would be to see him... If he could give me a sign that he's there. I see things from time to time, and wonder if I'm fooling myself, but it makes me happy anyway. And I wonder and hope so much that reincarnation is true and that I can see him again in my life. Even if he's just a little guy. It's silly. But not really. I truly feel that to my core whatever ages we were we would be good friends. I so so so wish he hadn't ripped himself out of my life like that... Leaving me with all this confusion about what happened and such a longing for his presence.

So getting work done today has been impossible. I'm feeling bogged down again, and so afraid at feeling that way. I fear the lows. And I see all these dangers of when all of a sudden I feel good and I just want to fly or something and it's a crazy high, but I love the way it feels and I don't know if it's ok, and I fear it isn't, but I fear not feeling that... And I always think, yeah I can make this last, I can be a successful amazingly productive intelligent person and get all this stuff done no problem! And then a week later... Oh no here it comes again. I can't take it... And trying to talk to myself and pull myself away from it, and what the fuck is all worth? C'mon it's worth something hil... But I just think it's fucking stupid! I spend so much time trying to be my own psychiatrist and read all this shit and do the right thing and it's just back and forth and up and down. It's exhausting... I'm over it... Unless I'm up. I just wish my friend was around.

So I was going to try for the cycling class tonight. Maybe I should do a yoga instead... Either would probably be good. I should try for the 6pm cycling... Yoga could be an option for tomorrow morning. I think today is gone well yes it is. 5pm already.

Sometimes I just can't take the stress. I am doing research on emotional extremes. Found an interesting article on "Emotional Sobriety and the Addicted Traumatized Family."

"Emotional sobriety or the restoration of balanced functioning both within the self and in the family is where treatment is heading. Each member of the family who has lived in the atmosphere we describe in this article needs and deserves help in sorting out the complicated effects of living with chronic pain and stress. Treatment for addiction and codependency, in my experience, requires a full network of stabilizing experiences and relationships so that while dysfunctional dynamics are deconstructed and defenses dismantled, the skills of emotional sobriety are also being slowly and incrementally built or rebuilt."

It outlines some of the swings in functioning that family members go through after experiencing a dysfunctional environment. The swings are:

Set-up #1: High Intensity vs. Shutdown/Dissociation
Set-up #2: Over Functioning vs. Under Functioning
Set-up #3: Enmeshment/Disengagement
Set-up #4: Impulsivity vs. Rigidity
Set-up #5: Grandiosity vs. Low Self Worth
Set-up #6: Caretaking vs. Neglect
Set-up #7: Abuse vs. Victimization

Here's an example of the article: read the whole thing at http://www.bhcjournal.com/News/ProfessionalPerspective/tabid/255/Default.aspx?ArticleId=22834&PageNumber=1

Set-up #1: High Intensity vs. Shutdown/Dissociation
When family members become overwhelmed, when they experience the unpredictable and disturbing behavior surrounding them as too intense to manage, they may shut down in an unconscious attempt to minimize personal damage. It goes something like this: We get scared, adrenaline courses through our body and revs us up for fight or flight. We either release that adrenaline by fighting or taking off, or we freeze, we shut down. Like a circuit breaker that has gotten too hot, our limbic system flips and switches to the “off” position. We slam on our emotional breaks.

This mind/body action of alternating between feeling flooded with intense emotion then numbing or shutting down reflects the “black and white functioning” that those who have felt psychologically traumatized often report experiencing. These dynamics may manifest in feeling and behavior patterns that mirror living in emotional extremes rather than in emotional sobriety.

The Solution: What we need to learn to do when we get scared is to talk ourselves down from these high pitches so that we are in a position to talk out rather than act out our feelings. We may need to take a break in order to feel more balanced and less reactive. Activities that can bring our fear reaction back into balance are deep breathing, calming exercise or simply reflecting on what might be getting triggered in us before we swing into action.

#6: Caretaking vs. Neglect
Caretaking can be part of a fear or grief response; an attempt to attend to in another person that which needs to be attended to within the self. We may, for example, project our own unconscious anxiety or pain onto someone else, seeing it as about them rather than understanding it as our own. Then we set about attending to “their” symptoms, fixing them, rather than fixing ourselves. It is a form of care that is all too often motivated by our own unidentified pain rather than a genuine awareness of another’s distress. Because this is the case, neglect can be its dark side. We neglect or don’t see what is really needed within another person because we can’t identify real need within ourselves.

Neglect is a passive aggressive form or hurting someone. It can take the form of ignoring, withholding care, nurturing and attention, or simply not engaging in the kinds of behaviors that reflect attunement and care. People who have been habitually neglected can have a difficult time identifying what’s wrong because there is no easy behavior on which to pin their sense of woundedness. They may feel that they have too many needs for anyone to meet or they may be mistrustful of deep connection. In an attempt to avoid further pain, they may push away the very vehicle that might help them to heal — namely relationships.

The Solution: Good self care and a steady relationship with a recovery network — a therapist, a therapy group and 12-step programs — can slowly, over time, help create a new sense of connectedness with self and others, and build the skills of emotional sobriety.

I identified with all of them to a certain extent. The solutions to these things... Make me feel overwhelmed. Where am I supposed to find the time/money/resources to get all fixed up? I'm trying already anyway... Best I can do is keep fighting on my own. God. Sometimes I'm just so sick of it. I want a hug right now. And there's nobody... Sigh.

You know it's only love that gets you through... It's only love, it's only love that gets you through.

Have faith self. I suppose I should start getting ready to go. I'm two steps away from throwing my hands up and taking a nap, going for a drink, etc. etc...

here we go

quicky

The rundown...

Didn't make it to Yoga... was too tired.
But I did do three flights of stairs.
Ate very well.
Fish, Veggies, Fruit, One piece of sprouted bread...

about to head to happy hour.

worried about money.

will do the following this weekend:
Submit an add for music lessons
dishes
office order for work

joe is heavy on my mind and heart and I'm trying to do the mindfullness meditation... it's a challenge...

I will drink moderately tonight. and drinking does not mean bad food!

an unnecessary update

so far

eats:
Clumps of grapes
Several Strawberries
one piece healthy grain bread
2 ir 3 oz tillapia
veggies: broccoli, summer squash, zuchini, red pepper, onion, garlic, cilantro, carrot medley
30z chicken that Joy gave me
one quarter apple, one quarter orange, clump of grapes, strawberry

Lots of water/lemon juice

have yet to eat
the rest of the fish and veggies (dinner maybe?)
and fruit - that should do it for the day. yep.

so that's good

exercise:
1 flight of 412 stairs (about to do a second)
two sets 12 pushups
30 seconds plank

to do: blink blink blink ummm i'll get back to ya

ok... well here at the end of the day I'm feeling a little drained. Don't know what it is. Should I crack and have a little coffee while I finish up here? or should I hope my energy will return once I breathe some fresh air.

I think instead of prioritizing the workout, I should prioritize ENJOYMENT of my workout.

I would enjoy seeing the beach. Or doing anything outside. Even jumping around. Or a game of vball or tennis...

ok no volleyball tonight. I think a run at the beach or jumping rope at the park is in order, finished up by 15 minute abs.

I commit. To 45 minutes of physical activity. Oh and I will be walking home so that's a plus.
Next, try and clear the drain.

Next:
Make a plan for ticket, decide on drive or fly to SF, refresh other objectives (doc/dentist,job, move)
Read meditation thing
Meditate
Music if there's time
Bedtime 10:30
I am going to try for yoga tomorrow. Somehow get pumped and go. It will be very good for me, and I have happy hour and the birthday thingy at night. Speaking of I should get something for her. hmm.

Pay rent tomorrow. better late than never.

That's it. AND STICK TO THE PLAN. You can do it. I love you.

a step in the right direction

so, howd I do?

Well all in all I think I have done well.

I got home, put on my shoes and did a little walk/run to blockbuster to return my rentals.
When I got home I put on some music and started some resistance training, intending to do at least three circuits of the four exercises, dumbell rows, romanian lifts, pushups, abs, at least 10 reps, with 2 minutes of jumping around to get my heart rate up... jumping jacks, dancing, whatever. I discovered my stair climbing had made me a bit sore in a good way - like I needed to stretch my muscles and stuff. So in the middle of my first circuit, all the power goes off. My immediate worry was that I didn't pay my bill and so I decided I better rectify that asap - which means getting dressed and going to work to use the internet/phone. My phone has no battery and no way to charge it with the power off. So I walk outside, and there were two smokers hanging out on the balcony beneath mine so I asked them if their power was out as well, to which they replied yes...

so then slightly bummed my workout was interrupted, I decided to go to the store and get the shopping done instead, thinking that I did my 30 mins of activity, and plus the stair climbing my body had been challenged a little. IT'S OK!. Shopping took longer than expected as always... and cost more than expected, as always.... so $50 later I had all sorts of fruits, veggies, and some tillapia fillets, lemon juice, cat litter, and some drain clearer... keep your fingers cross it works so I can do the dishes and not breed flies in my sink.

Arriving home in the dark I stuck things in the fridge, pulled out leftover asian food for dinner, lit candles, and ate outside. When the power came on I just left the lights out, because it was nice. Well actually I didn't know when the power went on because I didn't have anything "on" to let me know, but I saw lights accross the street, momentarily felt a little silly, and then just decided to pretend it was still out. I thought, I'm glad my guitar doesn't run on electricity, and I pulled it out and played a tune or two. I love to sing. I love to hear and make music. I do. It's one thing I know... If only I could have more, and have more words, I have music in my head but lack the words that express things right... I suppose that's where the practice comes in. Sigh.

Anyway, the only place I went wrong was in having a peanut butter jelly sandwich AFTER dinner, which I didn't need, but I thought since I'm starting the detox today might as well use up the last bagel.

I did a night time routine... this is good! washed face, brushed teeth... that is a good healthy habit. good girl! Had a bit of trouble getting to sleep and slight fitful sleep when I did, kept waking up to the sound of my grinding teeth... hate that... woke up at 5:30... the light was just starting to fade in, snoozed about twenty times and all in all ended up getting out of bed around 7:15/7:20am. Ok... not failure - IMPROVEMENT!!! Improvement by a whole 30 minutes. Determined to follow through I put food together for the day, jumped in and out of the shower, put some lotion on my face... got dressed real quick and put on my running shoes to WALK TO WORK! Yeay! I have begun the day well. A walk to work, several prayers and affirmations and breathing. and then a half liter of water, one cup of coffee, a 80 calorie piece of high fiber, sprouted grain/oat/soy bread which surprising tastes good! (I think it's Exekial bread). five strawberries, a clump of grapes and lemon water that I'm still working on for breakfast. So we're doing well. We're detoxing. We are cleaning out mind body soul.... this is good.

So to adjust for better results tomorrow... I will continue to move back my GETTING UP time by 20 or thirty minutes, because that was what I was able to do this morning. Makes more sense then jumping the time back 3 hours all at once. Gentle. ok so that would mean tomorrow is 6:50 or 7am. Unless I decide to do 5:30am yoga. which would be nice. We'll see.

and I will continue to journal like this. Hilighting or bolding positive "me" sort of things. So I can see how well I'm doing, and what I like, and solidify who this crazy girl is.

and now I move on to calm peaceful productive work with a happy attitude of gratitude, believing that my life today in this moment is a work of art that will evolve and unfold throughout the day, and I can try and make it beautiful. No. I can make it beautiful. It is beautiful.

and a quick shout out to my best friend mister man who is always on my mind. Mon amour durera toujours.

Commitment

Commitment 1.
I have decided to commit to a three day detox plan. There are a couple problems. I want to do this now, but there are several events this weekend that will incorporate alcohol, which really doesn't go with a detox plan. So I think I'll have to compromise. I will have day 1 tomorrow, day 2 friday and then pause... drink moderately friday and saturday and continue normal healthy diet, restart the detox on Sunday or Monday. Ok? ok. I'm considering doing the Master Cleanse diet at some point (http://themastercleanse.org/), but it seems much more involved and will require planning and preperation. We'll see.

Day one:
---
Water!! or water with lemon
light whole grain cereal/oatmeal/bread
fresh fruit juice
---
vegetables
a few ounces of fish
---
same for dinner

Day Two:
---
Water!! or water with lemon
fresh fruit
---
dark green salad
with olive oil/lemon
---
steamed veggies and fish

Day Three:
---
lemon water and fruit only
steamed vegetables for dinner

Buy:
lemons or lemon juice
vegetables
fish
some kind of whole grain cereal

ok done and done... starty offy tomorrowy.

Of course two days later and plane tickets are 40 bucks more. sucks.
my tooth hurts.
ok to drive or fly. I don't know. have to think about that tonight.

I did two flights of stairs today. that's 824 stairs thank you very much.

I would like to be done with a little exercise by 7:30pm. then a quick shoperoo done by 8:30. maybe get some draino and finish the dishes. read/meditate/organize starting 9:30. bed by 10:30.

Commitment 2: I commit to becoming an early riser. See: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/05/how-to-become-an-early-riser/

The challenge... to get up when the alarm goes off. I will begin by actually getting up... and inching the wake up time earlier. Right now it's usually 7:40 or later when I finally decide I can't put off the day any longer, and race to decide which is more important, wash face or brush teeth cus there isn't time for both, check on kitty rations real quick and dash to the car to race to work getting there you know... close enough in my opinion, at pretty much 8am. So anything 7 or earlier will be success, but I have to decide tonight what I want that to be. I think 5:30am would be ambitious but leave me time for 1. shower, wash face, AND brush teeth (wow) 2. stretch or exercise 3. a little soul time to get composed for the day 4 maybe even walk to work! ok, so 5:30 it is.

I commit! I'm writing it here for all you invisible friends out there so that I have accountability! Because by writing it and sharing it it becomes real. and I will have to confess it if I fail. but I'm not afraid of failure. but I'm hungry for success. I really need to stand behind this one because morning and sleep makes me wishy washy. so whatever. wish me good luck.

and I want to send out a lot of love. Sometimes I think I get scared because I don't have enough places to put my love.... like in Magnolia "I have a lot of love to give, I just don't know where to put it"... So I send it out today, in my imperfection and confusion and hurting as I seek to love myself and love my struggles, I feel a lot of love for all you out there, all fighting your own battles. I hope for the light. I hope for peace. Here I go.

Commitment 3
I will have some sort of activity tonight, 30 minutes at least. Lets do Back, Hamstrings, Pushups, Abs, and a little run around the neighborhood. Sounds good. I'll go for
Dumbell rows or reverse flys for back
single leg romanian deadlifts for hamstrings, walking lunges
pushups, army style, slow for chest, shoulders, arms
reverse crunch, hanging leg raise, scissor kicks, and side bridges/oblique crunches

KEEP IT SIMPLE. HAVE FUN. LOVE YOURSELF. k lets go.