it's not the same

i am not the same person. since i lost my friend. i have loss. i have lost him. i have lost myself. things used to be at least a little clear at least some parts of my life were familiar reliable defined good. now nothing is. except the loss. the feeling of emptiness. hollow confusion. i miss him. so much. it's much for me. at least sometimes. sometimes i feel ok. but never that great. never confident. i can't concentrate. not even on this. anyway, gist is, there is ok break because i can't write this without breaking down breathe breathe separate i can't just break into sobs in the middle of a crowded room... so ok better so the gist is, there is one person, one soul, one mind that i am aching for. one friend who knew me and who i knew. and that friend is gone and there's no changing it and there's no replacing it. that's who i'm thinking of. still sending love out to him. and aching along with anyone who misses anyone and who has lost someone. anyone feeling their way blindly through the pitch black darkness trying to remember who you are and hold on to love and hope.

moldy sponges, cuticles, and lipstick on a mug

For the sake of not focusing on the very real and true and legitimate issues with which I deal, I am going to focus on these stupid little annoyances that I know mean nothing and do not have a great effect on my well being, although they impose a cringing irritation... It feels better than absolute despair at my helplessness, complete disgust at my inadequacies and problems, overwhelming frustration at the continual fight that is never won... disdain at the compromising white flags, my desperate flailing around trying to help myself and somehow feel all right. I was hoping this blog would be more insightful and less depressed rantings. But I the majority of what comes out of me is depressed rantings. Or maybe I'm just horribly depressed. Or maybe the manic need to express somehow shows itself when I'm depressed, vs. when I'm feeling all right and actually (sort of) accomplishing things and feeling hopeful. So whatever... I don't have the time or luxury to sort out my fucking feelings, and I'm sick of this crap. Honestly if I only had access to a weapon... I won't let this ranting deteriorate too far. But Goddamn fantasy replays itself in my head way too much... I'm tired of it. I hate myself for it. So whatever...

Moldy sponges that wreak, are too wet, like they weren't squeezed enough after use, and sat around soaked with dirty bacteria water for a couple days, and you touch them once and now your hand smells like rot - they suck.

Cuticles that get all dry and peely after one hand washing, uneven fingernails contributing, jagged edges jagged edges, dryness ugly... they fucking annoy me. I want to cut off my fingers.

Lipstick on a mug. Why are these people wearing lipstick if they're just going to rub it all off on a mug that they're drinking from. And then they just leave it? They can't even wipe it off? and it comes out of the dishwasher with lipstick still all over it. First of all it's gross to see a mug with a mouthmark of lipstick... first of all you think of the mixed flavors of lipstick and coffee or whatever, and become keenly aware that the drinker is wearing lipstick. This brings your attention to mouth of said lipstick wearer... and then wonder about breath of lipstick wearer, aware that they are drinking coffee... maybe lipstick wearer has things in their teeth. They are obviously unabashed at broadcasting the fact that they are wearing bright pink long lasting sparkly lipstick. They will reapply after finishing the beverage in the mug. and now the mug will be tainted for several dishwasher loads unless you take the time to give that particular mug special attention and wipe it by hand... your hand close to that lipstick which is basically like rubbing your hand all over heavy makeup face... ewww. If I happen to be wearing anything on my mouth, and if it happens to be all wet and gooey and happens to come off on a mug from which I am drinking... I most CERTAINLY will wipe it off. after every single sip. Am I OCD? Maybe I am. But I think lipstick on a mug is just fucking annoying and gross.

So there you have it. A few of the most stupid things in life. That actually makes me feel better... I guess it would be the power of distraction or something... like pinching yourself to take your mind off your severed limb.