“Anyone desperate enough for suicide...should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.”
-Richard Bach
“Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live”
-Charles Caleb Colton
“Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”
-Doug Stanhope
“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”
-Ben Okri
“Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living.”
-Terry Pratchett
“He would say, 'How funny it will all seem, all you've gone through, when I'm not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away...' And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.”
-Arthur Rimbaud
“It’s illogical, but I guess you could take a vitamin in the morning, and commit suicide in the afternoon.”
-Unknown
“To run away from trouble is a form of cowardice and, while it is true that the suicide braves death, he does it not for some noble object but to escape some ill.”
-Aristotle
“Live or die, But don't poison everything.”
-Ann Sexton
Friday, April 17, 2009
Times Like These
At times like these I talk to you as if you're here
As if you can see my tears and kiss them away, kiss them away
It's gonna be ok, I love you
I like to pretend you can, you are
And think of what you'd say to me if you could see
The place I'm in, the war I fight,
and all the times I need you like the moon needs the night
All the moments I miss you thinking I'll just pick up the phone
Give you a call, tell you all about it, listen to your voice and
hear about your life so I don't have to feel so alone in this world
In this striving world of pressure.
Just your voice on the voicemail greeting is enough
To make me smile. And I can sing a silly song to make sure you know
I'm thinking of you - I'm yours and no one else in the world
Has my heart. It's just you.
Where are you? Where are you? Why am I?
Why?
I'm just a girl!
Yeah but you’re a beautiful girl, you're my girl.
Ahh, right there's a Mister Man for the ages.
Might as well accept it. You don't always get what you want.
It would be foolish to think so.
I for one can NEVER get what I want.
'Cause that would be you.
As if you can see my tears and kiss them away, kiss them away
It's gonna be ok, I love you
I like to pretend you can, you are
And think of what you'd say to me if you could see
The place I'm in, the war I fight,
and all the times I need you like the moon needs the night
All the moments I miss you thinking I'll just pick up the phone
Give you a call, tell you all about it, listen to your voice and
hear about your life so I don't have to feel so alone in this world
In this striving world of pressure.
Just your voice on the voicemail greeting is enough
To make me smile. And I can sing a silly song to make sure you know
I'm thinking of you - I'm yours and no one else in the world
Has my heart. It's just you.
Where are you? Where are you? Why am I?
Why?
I'm just a girl!
Yeah but you’re a beautiful girl, you're my girl.
Ahh, right there's a Mister Man for the ages.
Might as well accept it. You don't always get what you want.
It would be foolish to think so.
I for one can NEVER get what I want.
'Cause that would be you.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
the cycle
depression
begets
inaction
begets
despair
begets
anger
begets
action
begets
enthusiasm
begets
high expectations
begets
over-achievement
begets
disapointment
begets
exhaustion
begets
depression
at least it sometimes goes that way. not like there's any sense to the cycle at all. i need a mother and a hiatus from life. i so wish i was one of those people... one of those people everyone wanted to be around because they're happy. i'm working on it, but i don't think the prognosis is good. in which case, I don't really want to make anyone else suffer my presence. thank god my fucking cat doesn't care. i'm sure i'm just under the weather. maybe i'm sick. i have to keep hoping the next week will be better or some bull shit like that. i'm fucking tired of this shit though. what the hell am i even doing here? what is the fucking point of continuing to try in my life when it doesn't seem as though i can ever help anyone because i can't fucking be happy. it's ridiculous. it's really of no consequence. i'd like to say i'm not one to back out of a challenge, but i don't really want to undertake a multi-decade long challenge. i think right now i'm the one that needs help. i don't even have anyone i can go to and ask for a hug. so i have to swallow my feelings and slap myself away from the emotions and tell myself i don't need it. there's no one to help me. i'm supposed to do it all myself. i feel like i've tried a lot. and i don't know that it's gotten me very far. especially as far as how i'm feeling. i feel like a weak ineffective sad confused little girl. I guess instead of going home and hiding under the covers and escaping into sleep i will go to beach. i always feel better at the beach. and i will push through this... and there will be some other day sometime where i feel better. yeah. just gotta focus on that. and also, i think there was sometime a long time ago when i was happy more often. when i was a nice girl. when i could sort of feel like i was someone in a family of a world of someones. maybe i'll be that person again sometime. and i have the companionship of my memories of a friend who eased the burden of living for me, for little insignificant confused me, just by being there with me in the pressure of it all and understanding. i will go take a walk with them. funny how that special love lasts on and on even after the person is gone. that's nice.
begets
inaction
begets
despair
begets
anger
begets
action
begets
enthusiasm
begets
high expectations
begets
over-achievement
begets
disapointment
begets
exhaustion
begets
depression
at least it sometimes goes that way. not like there's any sense to the cycle at all. i need a mother and a hiatus from life. i so wish i was one of those people... one of those people everyone wanted to be around because they're happy. i'm working on it, but i don't think the prognosis is good. in which case, I don't really want to make anyone else suffer my presence. thank god my fucking cat doesn't care. i'm sure i'm just under the weather. maybe i'm sick. i have to keep hoping the next week will be better or some bull shit like that. i'm fucking tired of this shit though. what the hell am i even doing here? what is the fucking point of continuing to try in my life when it doesn't seem as though i can ever help anyone because i can't fucking be happy. it's ridiculous. it's really of no consequence. i'd like to say i'm not one to back out of a challenge, but i don't really want to undertake a multi-decade long challenge. i think right now i'm the one that needs help. i don't even have anyone i can go to and ask for a hug. so i have to swallow my feelings and slap myself away from the emotions and tell myself i don't need it. there's no one to help me. i'm supposed to do it all myself. i feel like i've tried a lot. and i don't know that it's gotten me very far. especially as far as how i'm feeling. i feel like a weak ineffective sad confused little girl. I guess instead of going home and hiding under the covers and escaping into sleep i will go to beach. i always feel better at the beach. and i will push through this... and there will be some other day sometime where i feel better. yeah. just gotta focus on that. and also, i think there was sometime a long time ago when i was happy more often. when i was a nice girl. when i could sort of feel like i was someone in a family of a world of someones. maybe i'll be that person again sometime. and i have the companionship of my memories of a friend who eased the burden of living for me, for little insignificant confused me, just by being there with me in the pressure of it all and understanding. i will go take a walk with them. funny how that special love lasts on and on even after the person is gone. that's nice.
Monday, April 6, 2009
A day for good things
Maybe by the time April 6th falls on a Saturday I will understand all this and be at peace with it. Or just be at peace with it. That will be in the year 2013. If that isn't a reasonable goal I don't know what is. Anyway... happy birthday to my Mr. I would like to think he joined me today for a spicy tuna roll and some sake.
What is currently on my mind is....
It is a new chapter. Gone are the days of chasing after pleasure and trying to avoid pain or discomfort. No more hiding and striving and floundering to escape the present... for so long I have been keenly aware of what is not right in the world, and recklessly thrown myself into whatever feeling came from my thoughts, and been angry and hurt that I am not happy - unhappy for so many reasons. Well, somewhere in all of that mess I have a choice to think, to feel, and to do.
Here I am. My best friend is gone. The lump that rises in my throat and the tears squeezing out into my eyes are reactions to that thought. It's ok to feel pain and utter loss.
There is something about you, my best most closest friend... all this stuff I'm working on tryin to be a better person and grow up and stuff... I wish you were here. We coulda done some cool stuff. We coulda been happy. And coulda figured shit out. You woulda felt better. And now I'm just real confused. No reference point. But I'm beginning to realize that that's ok. Spicy tuna is tasty.
All right so today I remember, your cute fingers with certain freckles on them, the way it felt to squeeze your hand, how sometimes I would get so excited (about my mr. that is)... that I would have to squeeze your hand SO hard and squeal a little at the same time... and it would be cus I had a friend named mr that I loved. I remember my favorite smile of yours - that happened when you laughed at something funny and started off with no sound, and your mouth would open real wide and your eyes would raise and it makes me happy. I remember that one time you made me laugh really hard at something... and we laughed together and then in the middle of laughing I suddenly out of nowhere started crying... and you threw your arms around me so tender mr and held me and I felt silly and you said it's ok Hil, and loved me... Oh friend. Do you know that my favorite thing was to be close to you, my head on your shoulder and breathe in your smell and hear you say "it's going to be ok". Or even just hear you breathing. The amount of peace that would give me was immeasureable. If you only knew what an infinite comfort that was. And I remember your back... your sensitive spot... how I wished so much I could just rest my hand on it and somehow make the pain go away and make all the tense muscles let go and make it better. I remember your rusty red eyebrows and smoothing them like I could wipe away your worries. Your unmanageable exuberance about the things you loved. I remember the way you listened to me. And patiently waited for me to open up and encouraged me and taught me how to converse and taught me so many things. I remember your innocence.
Im sorry for all my negative flavoring and negative expectations... Really you taught me so much. I was just scared. We both were I guess. If only... I know these if only's are indulgent... but if only you would come back. Did you think I didn't love you anymore? Because I did. Hoplessly I did. And I believed in you! And in you and me and I thought we could get better and get smarter and grow up a bit and we'd be ok, we'd be better for eachother not so toxic... I know you coulda made it. We could of made it. I know it's not ok for me to "blame" myself and there's no point, but it's easy to think that I gave you the wrong impression, that my stupid decisions messed things up for you... but it was you that got yourself to that point where you were willing to pull the trigger... and I feel now alone and inadequate and utterly rejected. I mean, that could be construed as the ultimate complete rejection... But I will put a stop to that train of thought. Because all in all you left me with a beautiful love. I wish I could tell you face to face what you mean to me. And I miss all your innocent loving ways. You are always in my heart and always on my mind, and I send you sweet love all the time.
Happy Birthday my best.
What is currently on my mind is....
It is a new chapter. Gone are the days of chasing after pleasure and trying to avoid pain or discomfort. No more hiding and striving and floundering to escape the present... for so long I have been keenly aware of what is not right in the world, and recklessly thrown myself into whatever feeling came from my thoughts, and been angry and hurt that I am not happy - unhappy for so many reasons. Well, somewhere in all of that mess I have a choice to think, to feel, and to do.
Here I am. My best friend is gone. The lump that rises in my throat and the tears squeezing out into my eyes are reactions to that thought. It's ok to feel pain and utter loss.
There is something about you, my best most closest friend... all this stuff I'm working on tryin to be a better person and grow up and stuff... I wish you were here. We coulda done some cool stuff. We coulda been happy. And coulda figured shit out. You woulda felt better. And now I'm just real confused. No reference point. But I'm beginning to realize that that's ok. Spicy tuna is tasty.
All right so today I remember, your cute fingers with certain freckles on them, the way it felt to squeeze your hand, how sometimes I would get so excited (about my mr. that is)... that I would have to squeeze your hand SO hard and squeal a little at the same time... and it would be cus I had a friend named mr that I loved. I remember my favorite smile of yours - that happened when you laughed at something funny and started off with no sound, and your mouth would open real wide and your eyes would raise and it makes me happy. I remember that one time you made me laugh really hard at something... and we laughed together and then in the middle of laughing I suddenly out of nowhere started crying... and you threw your arms around me so tender mr and held me and I felt silly and you said it's ok Hil, and loved me... Oh friend. Do you know that my favorite thing was to be close to you, my head on your shoulder and breathe in your smell and hear you say "it's going to be ok". Or even just hear you breathing. The amount of peace that would give me was immeasureable. If you only knew what an infinite comfort that was. And I remember your back... your sensitive spot... how I wished so much I could just rest my hand on it and somehow make the pain go away and make all the tense muscles let go and make it better. I remember your rusty red eyebrows and smoothing them like I could wipe away your worries. Your unmanageable exuberance about the things you loved. I remember the way you listened to me. And patiently waited for me to open up and encouraged me and taught me how to converse and taught me so many things. I remember your innocence.
Im sorry for all my negative flavoring and negative expectations... Really you taught me so much. I was just scared. We both were I guess. If only... I know these if only's are indulgent... but if only you would come back. Did you think I didn't love you anymore? Because I did. Hoplessly I did. And I believed in you! And in you and me and I thought we could get better and get smarter and grow up a bit and we'd be ok, we'd be better for eachother not so toxic... I know you coulda made it. We could of made it. I know it's not ok for me to "blame" myself and there's no point, but it's easy to think that I gave you the wrong impression, that my stupid decisions messed things up for you... but it was you that got yourself to that point where you were willing to pull the trigger... and I feel now alone and inadequate and utterly rejected. I mean, that could be construed as the ultimate complete rejection... But I will put a stop to that train of thought. Because all in all you left me with a beautiful love. I wish I could tell you face to face what you mean to me. And I miss all your innocent loving ways. You are always in my heart and always on my mind, and I send you sweet love all the time.
Happy Birthday my best.
Friday, April 3, 2009
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