the cycle

depression
begets
inaction
begets
despair
begets
anger
begets
action
begets
enthusiasm
begets
high expectations
begets
over-achievement
begets
disapointment
begets
exhaustion
begets
depression


at least it sometimes goes that way. not like there's any sense to the cycle at all. i need a mother and a hiatus from life. i so wish i was one of those people... one of those people everyone wanted to be around because they're happy. i'm working on it, but i don't think the prognosis is good. in which case, I don't really want to make anyone else suffer my presence. thank god my fucking cat doesn't care. i'm sure i'm just under the weather. maybe i'm sick. i have to keep hoping the next week will be better or some bull shit like that. i'm fucking tired of this shit though. what the hell am i even doing here? what is the fucking point of continuing to try in my life when it doesn't seem as though i can ever help anyone because i can't fucking be happy. it's ridiculous. it's really of no consequence. i'd like to say i'm not one to back out of a challenge, but i don't really want to undertake a multi-decade long challenge. i think right now i'm the one that needs help. i don't even have anyone i can go to and ask for a hug. so i have to swallow my feelings and slap myself away from the emotions and tell myself i don't need it. there's no one to help me. i'm supposed to do it all myself. i feel like i've tried a lot. and i don't know that it's gotten me very far. especially as far as how i'm feeling. i feel like a weak ineffective sad confused little girl. I guess instead of going home and hiding under the covers and escaping into sleep i will go to beach. i always feel better at the beach. and i will push through this... and there will be some other day sometime where i feel better. yeah. just gotta focus on that. and also, i think there was sometime a long time ago when i was happy more often. when i was a nice girl. when i could sort of feel like i was someone in a family of a world of someones. maybe i'll be that person again sometime. and i have the companionship of my memories of a friend who eased the burden of living for me, for little insignificant confused me, just by being there with me in the pressure of it all and understanding. i will go take a walk with them. funny how that special love lasts on and on even after the person is gone. that's nice.