A day for good things

Maybe by the time April 6th falls on a Saturday I will understand all this and be at peace with it. Or just be at peace with it. That will be in the year 2013. If that isn't a reasonable goal I don't know what is. Anyway... happy birthday to my Mr. I would like to think he joined me today for a spicy tuna roll and some sake.

What is currently on my mind is....

It is a new chapter. Gone are the days of chasing after pleasure and trying to avoid pain or discomfort. No more hiding and striving and floundering to escape the present... for so long I have been keenly aware of what is not right in the world, and recklessly thrown myself into whatever feeling came from my thoughts, and been angry and hurt that I am not happy - unhappy for so many reasons. Well, somewhere in all of that mess I have a choice to think, to feel, and to do.

Here I am. My best friend is gone. The lump that rises in my throat and the tears squeezing out into my eyes are reactions to that thought. It's ok to feel pain and utter loss.

There is something about you, my best most closest friend... all this stuff I'm working on tryin to be a better person and grow up and stuff... I wish you were here. We coulda done some cool stuff. We coulda been happy. And coulda figured shit out. You woulda felt better. And now I'm just real confused. No reference point. But I'm beginning to realize that that's ok. Spicy tuna is tasty.

All right so today I remember, your cute fingers with certain freckles on them, the way it felt to squeeze your hand, how sometimes I would get so excited (about my mr. that is)... that I would have to squeeze your hand SO hard and squeal a little at the same time... and it would be cus I had a friend named mr that I loved. I remember my favorite smile of yours - that happened when you laughed at something funny and started off with no sound, and your mouth would open real wide and your eyes would raise and it makes me happy. I remember that one time you made me laugh really hard at something... and we laughed together and then in the middle of laughing I suddenly out of nowhere started crying... and you threw your arms around me so tender mr and held me and I felt silly and you said it's ok Hil, and loved me... Oh friend. Do you know that my favorite thing was to be close to you, my head on your shoulder and breathe in your smell and hear you say "it's going to be ok". Or even just hear you breathing. The amount of peace that would give me was immeasureable. If you only knew what an infinite comfort that was. And I remember your back... your sensitive spot... how I wished so much I could just rest my hand on it and somehow make the pain go away and make all the tense muscles let go and make it better. I remember your rusty red eyebrows and smoothing them like I could wipe away your worries. Your unmanageable exuberance about the things you loved. I remember the way you listened to me. And patiently waited for me to open up and encouraged me and taught me how to converse and taught me so many things. I remember your innocence.

Im sorry for all my negative flavoring and negative expectations... Really you taught me so much. I was just scared. We both were I guess. If only... I know these if only's are indulgent... but if only you would come back. Did you think I didn't love you anymore? Because I did. Hoplessly I did. And I believed in you! And in you and me and I thought we could get better and get smarter and grow up a bit and we'd be ok, we'd be better for eachother not so toxic... I know you coulda made it. We could of made it. I know it's not ok for me to "blame" myself and there's no point, but it's easy to think that I gave you the wrong impression, that my stupid decisions messed things up for you... but it was you that got yourself to that point where you were willing to pull the trigger... and I feel now alone and inadequate and utterly rejected. I mean, that could be construed as the ultimate complete rejection... But I will put a stop to that train of thought. Because all in all you left me with a beautiful love. I wish I could tell you face to face what you mean to me. And I miss all your innocent loving ways. You are always in my heart and always on my mind, and I send you sweet love all the time.

Happy Birthday my best.