expression

Word of the Day

Vertiginous:

Inclined to change quickly; unstable

so glad

well i'm glad of one thing...

that you're here for me. that i can feel you close to me these days. it's funny, i never would've thought it would evolve into this, seeing as the craziness of having you gone was the biggest shock of my life... but it's ironic that now your presence would be that one sure thing... when everything is so uncertain. I'm learning to be ok with that uncertainty. I just don't know how it will all end. My life is so strange. I don't know, I guess all I wanted to say, was that I miss you. But I love talking to you and thinking about you, hearing your tunes when I get in the car, hearing your words echo in my head at times when I forget who I am. And I really was reminded today that you're not gone. And it blesses me to think/know that you are there when I think of you. Sometimes I think maybe I don't need anyone else to know me. And all the time I am very doubtful that anyone could ever understand me quite like you. and that is something to be grateful for. you're the best. i love your mind i love your body i love your soul. my soul loves your soul, just so you know... it's just a little forever something you might remember called sweet love. thanks for being a friend.

no fingernails to grope with

well I bit them all off last night... what was left of em. no matter. they'll grow back.

maybe I'll get my scale in the mail today. I needed a bathroom scale, and I found one on amazon, and got it, and then I found a $50 amazon card in my wallet so i got it free. then I was like damn I coulda got an even more expensive one. but maybe i can find an mp3 player and some headphones for cheap and use the rest of it for that... hmmm. then i can go running and actually listen to music, which sometimes makes me go further, faster...

but then again, there's something about listening to the sound of my breath... trying to keep it even and low and deep, and hearing my foot steps. but it's nice to have music too.

this is it. I am back. it is time to revisit the other extreme. even though i'm sure it would be better to stay away from the extremes but that's a hard thing to do. something sent me over the edge for a while. it's so wierd every time I feel so wild and lost and crazy and out of control, i for one miss Joe something awful... so bad and would give anything to talk to him - but secondly i feel him there. i feel very close to him, i feel like he is checking in with me and giving my hand a little squeeze and telling me to hold on, it'll be ok... like he's keeping me company when I feel most alone. it's kind of a beautiful thing. it makes me miss him more, but it makes me glad for the crisis cus it's like i get to be with him again.

perhaps, i should accept that my life is a series of these fluctuating phases, and i should concern myself only with the hope that they average out to some kind of forward progress. hmmm. i want to find my footing. i want to be able to depend on something in myself and have some steadiness.

but i think my personality is the epitome of that "groundlessness" that Pema Chodron talks about. we are always hoping that we will get it together, get the ground under our feet and then we can start enjoying life and being who we were meant to be. it's always wishing our experience of life was different in some way. but things are never going to be steady. we can never be completely secure. everything waxes and wanes and constantly changes and problems arise and good things happen and bad things happen. and the only security is in knowing we will never get the ground under our feet. so that is obviously my challenge. beginning with hoplessness. not insisting to myself that i must escape or fix the panic and the pain and the things not working out.

i can never seem to depend on myself for anything, so my life is an excellent practice field for this. i embody all sorts of contradictions and changes and what not... chaos, unpredictability...

so that's me! yeay....

haha

oh well. for today, i want to get in a set of the stairs before 12, so I'll go do that now. and i want to eat my fish meals that i put together and maybe some grapefruit... and be nice to myself. unjudgmentatl, forgiving, compassionate, healing... all those things.

and we will move on with life one day at a time.

vague i know

but damn that feels good

if only it wasn't so frowned upon

but why should I give a fuck?

don't know...

trying to figure this out

i'm sure i should go to yoga instead of

oh well...

i should chill out.

the friend who's not afraid to hurt me

i remember this...

i'm walking towards the water

thinking to myself and trying to find

my hope and my reasons and

this girl walks up to me and says

oh you poor thing

here this might make you feel better

you should feel better

you shouldn't have to be without something

she pulls out anything she can think of

and shoves it in my face until i scream at her to stop

but she doesn't and instead she says

there's not enough time and too much, you need more to fill you up

or else you might just explode!

and continues her frantic game until I'm pinned to the

ground by the weight of too much and not enough

well I keep walking feeling heavier and

disappointed, and a little scared that I might never

recover and then I'll never be able to fly away

from this loud and violent malay...

and then this girl walks up to me and says

my god you are such a mess

you're ugly

I hate you

and pulls out a razor blade and slices me out of the

background, and she looks at me alone in the void

limp and disassociated

dripping strange hues of pain(t)

and smiles

it's ok

now we can be friends

and i look around and realize

she's right

here i am torn out of the canvas

and all the colors are a little brighter

all my fears a little clearer

all the troubles a little lighter

I don't know how long i'll last

outside the painting of my past

but at least i know i'm real

and different than all those souls

fiending for oblivion

stealing attention

and i know

i can think this through

again

not yet knowing what is always right to do

but right now

i have a friend willing to wake me up

however it needs to be done

and everybody's different

sometimes different is solitary

sometimes wild and red

and back and forth

and delinquent

weak and underacheiving

and sometimes it is an unstoppable genius

and sometimes it is misunderstood

and controversial

and all the time

it is new and beautiful and true

the other world and it's all about love

yeah i'm just gonna go home
and see if i can dissappear
it's indulgent
usually works pretty well actually
because my house is a vortex
step inside and you get catapulted
through a wormhole to
some sort of other world
on the other side that no one can see
usually something different each time
i like the feeling when i'm lost inside the piano
and my fingers wont stop
and i wish someone could see me then
but that might mess the whole thing up
anyway... i'm running out of time sure
but i think beauty, accomplishment,
progress, life
and the dishes and the laundry and the garbage and the cooking
can wait one more day
cus i just don't have it in me tonight

lots of love though all the time
hold on to love and you'll be fine
and try to love all the bits
of time and sorts of people
mean or kind
and eventually you'll know
that you are here
and there is
a why
to find
you will.

How I feel right now in the strokes of my friends pen

enough to hear you

I would just like to say...

I love this music. The music of my dear friend named Joe. It's beautiful and special and unique... and it makes me feel like you're here. Brings you close to me, and it's perfect because sometimes there's really no remedy, there's nothing else that I can think of to do, no one I want to talk to besides you. It's just you. Certain days, certain things I go through... and I just want to sit down with you and take a load off. And listen to your new song that you made. Well there are no more new songs, which is a shame, but damn mr you sure did good with what you had... and now it's like a friend to me... well mostly its like you. I don't know how to say it. I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking and of words... just wanted to say thanks for staying near me. I don't know whats going to happen in this crazy world. But I've got you forever. All compact and synthesized in a sound... and I'm better communicating that way anyway. Anyway, good job friend...

I gotta go home now.

It's getting late

All right
As the excitement fades
And I begin to feel
The bruises on my back
From the bathroom floor
I wonder
What if it's not ok?

Hello you
Meet me
I am not one
To think twice
I'm a wild sort of girl
I like to risk it
That's the fun part
And then find out what my chances were
That part's hit and miss

Some people might not
Approve
But I just don't know
What to change
What to keep
How much of me
Is me

Shouldn't I be
Me?

Or maybe I should keep
Trying to be
You
Again.

Yosemite Wish You Were Here

Stream of

I want to float away
On a cloud
With my mister man

It's hard
I just don’t really care about
Much of anything
Right now.

If only
Well none of that
But say I could tell myself
Just make it to the end
Of the day girl
Just make it
Cus then you will go home
And give your mister a big kiss
And everything wont matter
Once you grab his little body and
Close your eyes and smell the way
He smells
It will be ok

Well mister... I'm trying to find
A reason trying
To get a little bit more vodka from underneath my desk
Only a girl like me would open up a bottle
Right in front of 12 people in the conference room
As Joy is getting up
She's almost leaving
Thank god

Nothing is wrong with a bloody mary
In the afternoon.

Thing is
I don't really care who sees
I don't care who knows
To lose this job perhaps a blessing
in disguise
All I know is that I feel so blurry
I feel so not myself
Am I me? Is this me?
I feel like nobody.
I definitely do not feel special.
What is this whole life thing anyway?
Some sort of game where the object
Is to fool yourself the most
Fool yourself into thinking
You're special. You can do something meaningful.
I don't know. Seems like we're all just people.
If Bach hadn't have done what he had done,
Things for me would be a lot different.
But what if I can't give something beautiful that
People need. That people will be blessed by...

What good are all these buildings we're making
What good is this silly job I'm doing.
Well if kids aren't educated things go to shit.
They need a place to be educated. They need facilities.
So many people. So many roles. So many things to do.
What's a girl like me doing here? Floundering around
Looking for
A purpose.
Looking for
love.
Looking for
Myself.
Now I've had my vodka...
And I guess I can see past
My debilitating
Indecision, confusion, striving and questioning
And pressure to be doing something else...
Just enough to realize what I'm feeling here.
I miss my mr. I miss my best friend. I
Miss someone to relate to period.
I can see your face as you react to
All this if I was talkin to you
Or emailing or somethin
And it's real cute. Yeah that's you
My mr. If worse comes to worse
I always know that
you understand (would've
Understood)
Not much of a comfort. Unless
You're still around.
Can you show me mr?
I miss you so bad right now
I can taste it, and it tastes like
A mugfull of tomato juice and tabasco sauce
And vodka.

It's no wonder I'm in
That state of perpetual falling apart
Slapping sense into myself
Pulling it together
And falling apart again

I come home one unfulfilling day
After another
Feeling as if I've lost another
I've lost another day
Cross another day
Off my life calendar
And I'm not anywhere closer
To being somebody
And I'm that much closer to being
Old
Weak
Tireder
Obsolete
Ugly
Dog-like in that I won't ever
Learn that language
Or live in a foreign country
Or get another degree
Or fall in love
Or be a good mother
Or be beautiful and strong
And desired
And nothing but muscle
And be smart
And compete
win
know things
have insight and pretty handwriting
do something important

And I come home
To clutter and stink
More work that seems a waste
And there's four hours only
And you have to do EVERYTHING
In that time
Of course work out
No one work out is enough. Everything.
Of course you have to practice random things
You wish you were better at
Piano. Jazz. Sing. Write. Write more.
Learn chord progressions and voicings
And work on soloing. EVERYTHING.
And study German. Maybe French.
And Sociology. Everything.
Buy a computer, learn production
Make enough money so you can fucking do something
Which means moving, getting more jobs
Making resumes, applying for shit going on interviews
All without internet at home
But also clean up. And also do that
Primping self care shit like
Face mask and whiten teeth
And take a shower
And get rid of your 26 year old
Wrinkles
I feel tired. I'm only 26!
This is crazy. I know it's not
Necessary. It should be easier than this.
Who the fuck am I and what should I be doing then!!!!!???????
Who is going to tell me. Who is going to help me.
No one. No one knows. Mommy loves me - but no rationale or
Contemporary insight.
Daddy doesn't want to be involved, and I can't trust him
Enough to tell him
And it would just make him feel uncomfortable
Anyway
It's all on me.
And since you meaning me
Since I obviously can't handle it
What does that mean?
Why am I here? What am I doing?
Is this a momentary "feeling"
Cus whatever I get them too frequently for them
To be momentary.
Another sip.
This feels better
Feeling something. Else. But I know my workout is jeoprardized.
can never spell that word
And I know I consumed too much today. Calorie-wise...
Might get bigger instead of smaller.
I feel so small as far as worth
And yet I only want to get smaller in size.
Smaller, but stronger.
God this is just a fucking mess.
And if only I had a friend like Joe
To help me keep things in perspective.
Or at least look me in the eye and give me a hug and
Say I know.
And I could know he really does know. Cus it's just as hard.
And then we could love eachother and make a pact
That we'll keep trying
even though
and that
Yeah we're smart people
We can do this if anyone can
And we can find a dream
And be someone.
What if - I didn't even care about
Being someone.
Then I could call that asshole
Anonymous random text
And dissappear in a cloud of
Chemical ecstasy.

But I've only ever been half in
Half out - never full on turned my back
On life, on normalcy, on purpose
On responsibility, on myself, on societal
Expectations, on my own aspirations, on
Fucking potential
Screw that man... It's too uncertain
I wanna feel good fo sho. And fuck it if it's emtpty chemicals in my brain.
nah... but I'm too obligated... there must be a reason if I feel so compelled
to live

Demara's happy cus she gets to go on vacation.
That makes me happy. Happy makes me cry.
Sad makes me cry. Weird.
I'm just glad she can feel that feeling right now.
Anticipation, hope, excitement, peace, fun,
A whole whatever weeks in front of her she can try and
Forget about all this bull shit crappy stress.

Whatever,
I enjoy this stream of consciousness stuff.
A bunch of Steely Dan came on my Itunes
Which reminds me of my mr.
One of my favorite things was
He knew so much cool music that I wouldve never heard
And that was one of the things I took for granted...
Like his cd collection, and his knowledge -
Of course Joe has this encyclopedic wealth of trivia
For both music and sports... And I always thought that would be there for me.
And that it would come from him...
With his smile - only the most beautiful smile I've ever seen
And his immediate full commitment to the topic
At hand and excitement in discussing it
The kind of joy that was written all over his face
As a result of a simple conversation
A debate on a topic he knew about... Cared about
I just loved seeing his sweet face engaged and lifted
And so intent. A happy mr that I love.

Anyway... That's completely gone
And me being the stupid
Non-detail long term remembering girl that I am
It's all lost mostly.
I do have lamont dozier
And a lot of associations with songs that I
Remember...

Ah. There it is. No choice but to move forward. There's no choice.
Cus otherwise I'm dead in the water
And it would be so so easy to give up
So if I have this fucking drive
That can save me from suicide
Where I HAVE to be someone
I HAVE to make something of myself.
I HAVE to be special and be happy and
Help people. There has to be
a reason why
I'm alive.
And If I feel that way....
There must be something.

If only...
If only's do no one
Any good
I just would only amputate
All of my limbs to
Have a couple days
With my mr.

God I miss you.
My Brother My Lover My Best Friend My Future My Past My Making Sense My Confirmation My Beauty My Reason Why My Hope My Calming My
this is right My it's ok My I get you My We can DO Anything!

I'm tired of trying to fill in the Hole.
Fill in the Whole.
I guess this whole game is
It'll come as it comes.

Whatever. I'm here.
I'm familiar with tears.
I'm a friend of my fears.
I'm ready to