Stream of

I want to float away
On a cloud
With my mister man

It's hard
I just don’t really care about
Much of anything
Right now.

If only
Well none of that
But say I could tell myself
Just make it to the end
Of the day girl
Just make it
Cus then you will go home
And give your mister a big kiss
And everything wont matter
Once you grab his little body and
Close your eyes and smell the way
He smells
It will be ok

Well mister... I'm trying to find
A reason trying
To get a little bit more vodka from underneath my desk
Only a girl like me would open up a bottle
Right in front of 12 people in the conference room
As Joy is getting up
She's almost leaving
Thank god

Nothing is wrong with a bloody mary
In the afternoon.

Thing is
I don't really care who sees
I don't care who knows
To lose this job perhaps a blessing
in disguise
All I know is that I feel so blurry
I feel so not myself
Am I me? Is this me?
I feel like nobody.
I definitely do not feel special.
What is this whole life thing anyway?
Some sort of game where the object
Is to fool yourself the most
Fool yourself into thinking
You're special. You can do something meaningful.
I don't know. Seems like we're all just people.
If Bach hadn't have done what he had done,
Things for me would be a lot different.
But what if I can't give something beautiful that
People need. That people will be blessed by...

What good are all these buildings we're making
What good is this silly job I'm doing.
Well if kids aren't educated things go to shit.
They need a place to be educated. They need facilities.
So many people. So many roles. So many things to do.
What's a girl like me doing here? Floundering around
Looking for
A purpose.
Looking for
love.
Looking for
Myself.
Now I've had my vodka...
And I guess I can see past
My debilitating
Indecision, confusion, striving and questioning
And pressure to be doing something else...
Just enough to realize what I'm feeling here.
I miss my mr. I miss my best friend. I
Miss someone to relate to period.
I can see your face as you react to
All this if I was talkin to you
Or emailing or somethin
And it's real cute. Yeah that's you
My mr. If worse comes to worse
I always know that
you understand (would've
Understood)
Not much of a comfort. Unless
You're still around.
Can you show me mr?
I miss you so bad right now
I can taste it, and it tastes like
A mugfull of tomato juice and tabasco sauce
And vodka.

It's no wonder I'm in
That state of perpetual falling apart
Slapping sense into myself
Pulling it together
And falling apart again

I come home one unfulfilling day
After another
Feeling as if I've lost another
I've lost another day
Cross another day
Off my life calendar
And I'm not anywhere closer
To being somebody
And I'm that much closer to being
Old
Weak
Tireder
Obsolete
Ugly
Dog-like in that I won't ever
Learn that language
Or live in a foreign country
Or get another degree
Or fall in love
Or be a good mother
Or be beautiful and strong
And desired
And nothing but muscle
And be smart
And compete
win
know things
have insight and pretty handwriting
do something important

And I come home
To clutter and stink
More work that seems a waste
And there's four hours only
And you have to do EVERYTHING
In that time
Of course work out
No one work out is enough. Everything.
Of course you have to practice random things
You wish you were better at
Piano. Jazz. Sing. Write. Write more.
Learn chord progressions and voicings
And work on soloing. EVERYTHING.
And study German. Maybe French.
And Sociology. Everything.
Buy a computer, learn production
Make enough money so you can fucking do something
Which means moving, getting more jobs
Making resumes, applying for shit going on interviews
All without internet at home
But also clean up. And also do that
Primping self care shit like
Face mask and whiten teeth
And take a shower
And get rid of your 26 year old
Wrinkles
I feel tired. I'm only 26!
This is crazy. I know it's not
Necessary. It should be easier than this.
Who the fuck am I and what should I be doing then!!!!!???????
Who is going to tell me. Who is going to help me.
No one. No one knows. Mommy loves me - but no rationale or
Contemporary insight.
Daddy doesn't want to be involved, and I can't trust him
Enough to tell him
And it would just make him feel uncomfortable
Anyway
It's all on me.
And since you meaning me
Since I obviously can't handle it
What does that mean?
Why am I here? What am I doing?
Is this a momentary "feeling"
Cus whatever I get them too frequently for them
To be momentary.
Another sip.
This feels better
Feeling something. Else. But I know my workout is jeoprardized.
can never spell that word
And I know I consumed too much today. Calorie-wise...
Might get bigger instead of smaller.
I feel so small as far as worth
And yet I only want to get smaller in size.
Smaller, but stronger.
God this is just a fucking mess.
And if only I had a friend like Joe
To help me keep things in perspective.
Or at least look me in the eye and give me a hug and
Say I know.
And I could know he really does know. Cus it's just as hard.
And then we could love eachother and make a pact
That we'll keep trying
even though
and that
Yeah we're smart people
We can do this if anyone can
And we can find a dream
And be someone.
What if - I didn't even care about
Being someone.
Then I could call that asshole
Anonymous random text
And dissappear in a cloud of
Chemical ecstasy.

But I've only ever been half in
Half out - never full on turned my back
On life, on normalcy, on purpose
On responsibility, on myself, on societal
Expectations, on my own aspirations, on
Fucking potential
Screw that man... It's too uncertain
I wanna feel good fo sho. And fuck it if it's emtpty chemicals in my brain.
nah... but I'm too obligated... there must be a reason if I feel so compelled
to live

Demara's happy cus she gets to go on vacation.
That makes me happy. Happy makes me cry.
Sad makes me cry. Weird.
I'm just glad she can feel that feeling right now.
Anticipation, hope, excitement, peace, fun,
A whole whatever weeks in front of her she can try and
Forget about all this bull shit crappy stress.

Whatever,
I enjoy this stream of consciousness stuff.
A bunch of Steely Dan came on my Itunes
Which reminds me of my mr.
One of my favorite things was
He knew so much cool music that I wouldve never heard
And that was one of the things I took for granted...
Like his cd collection, and his knowledge -
Of course Joe has this encyclopedic wealth of trivia
For both music and sports... And I always thought that would be there for me.
And that it would come from him...
With his smile - only the most beautiful smile I've ever seen
And his immediate full commitment to the topic
At hand and excitement in discussing it
The kind of joy that was written all over his face
As a result of a simple conversation
A debate on a topic he knew about... Cared about
I just loved seeing his sweet face engaged and lifted
And so intent. A happy mr that I love.

Anyway... That's completely gone
And me being the stupid
Non-detail long term remembering girl that I am
It's all lost mostly.
I do have lamont dozier
And a lot of associations with songs that I
Remember...

Ah. There it is. No choice but to move forward. There's no choice.
Cus otherwise I'm dead in the water
And it would be so so easy to give up
So if I have this fucking drive
That can save me from suicide
Where I HAVE to be someone
I HAVE to make something of myself.
I HAVE to be special and be happy and
Help people. There has to be
a reason why
I'm alive.
And If I feel that way....
There must be something.

If only...
If only's do no one
Any good
I just would only amputate
All of my limbs to
Have a couple days
With my mr.

God I miss you.
My Brother My Lover My Best Friend My Future My Past My Making Sense My Confirmation My Beauty My Reason Why My Hope My Calming My
this is right My it's ok My I get you My We can DO Anything!

I'm tired of trying to fill in the Hole.
Fill in the Whole.
I guess this whole game is
It'll come as it comes.

Whatever. I'm here.
I'm familiar with tears.
I'm a friend of my fears.
I'm ready to