Everytime the day
darkens down and goes away
Pictures open in my head of me and you
Silent and cliche, all the things we did and didn't say
Covered up by what we did and didn't do
Going through every out I used to cope
to make the repitition stop
What was I supposed to say?
Now I never leave my zone
we're both alone
I'm coming home
I wish I'd never seen your face.
~Elliott Smith
Probably one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Reminds me of a friend of mine.
For a little contrast another song that is my mr all over
Oh Mr Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there Mr Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Everybody smiles at you
Mr. Blue you did it right
But soon comes Mr. Night
Creepin' over
Now his hand is on your shoulder
Never mind I'll remember you this way
Yeah, so it's clean up the desk and rush out for cycing class. Oh yeah it's at 6 not 6:30. I forgot.
Ummm, I bet you wish you has stuck around for all the fun of a mundane job and striving striving, and the craziness that life is when all of a sudden you have to care about the formatting of a transmittal or what color font you use for the table of contents. I was laughing today thinking about that. Felt like maybe you were there hanging out with me since you were so strong in my mind and maybe listening to cool tunes with me, so I was thinking, geez, i bet you're really bummed you missed out on all this super fun stuff. wink. haha. I have to go. Just Keep Moving and maybe you'll pull ahead in the last lap or two...
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
a stranger to myself and to the world
You explain this world to me with an image. I realize then that you have been reduced to poetry: I shall never know. Have I the time to become indignant? You have already changed theories. So that science that was to teach me everything ends up in a hypothesis, that lucidity founders in metaphor, that uncertainty is resolved in a work of art. What need had I of so many efforts?
The soft lines of these hills and the hand of evening on this troubled heart teach me much more. I have returned to my beginning. I realize that if through science I can seize phenomena and enumerate them, I cannot for all that apprehend the world. Were I to trace its entire relief with my finger, I should not know any more. And you give me the choice between a description that is sure but that teaches me nothing and hypotheses that claim to teach me but that are not sure.
A stranger to myself and to the world, armed solely with a thought that negates itself as soon as it asserts, what is this condition in which I can have peace only by refusing to know and to live, in which the appetite for conquest bumps into walls that defy its assaults? To will is to stir up paradoxes.
~ Albert Camus, from An Absurd Reasoning
Camus touches on the duality of man's longing for knowledge (to understand the world) and mans need for happiness, and the struggle that results from the clashing of those dynamics. The world and life cannot be fully explained or understood. Chaos and irrationality are a part of life. This reminds of Pema Chodrons writings on our constant striving for security - a security that cannot be because of the nature of the world. Things are always in transition, always changing. Something will always happen to upset your balance. You will never get the ground under your feet. It is unrealistic to think so. The trick is to embrace that shakiness, the uncertainty, the chaos... she calls it staying with the feeling of hopelessness and says that is the path of true awakening. Maybe hopelessness (not despair) can allow us to stop struggling so hard, to relax with all those fears and worries and questions, to not necessarily understand death but to have a healthy relationship with it. There's a lot more to that essay, but it's pretty dense. Will take some time to digest it.
I like the way Camus writes. I will have to read more.
It's been a long day. It is time for me to move on to better things. I will go play soccer at 6:30, have dinner and then see about getting a couple loads of laundry done. This office feels so stifling... Very soon I will be on my way to different things.
I really value clarity of mind. And yet I often jeopardize my own clarity of mind. Today I feel a bit foggy. I think I can identify some reasons why I may feel this way. This is something to take note of for the future (although it might not in any way alter my choices, but awareness is the goal I think).
The soft lines of these hills and the hand of evening on this troubled heart teach me much more. I have returned to my beginning. I realize that if through science I can seize phenomena and enumerate them, I cannot for all that apprehend the world. Were I to trace its entire relief with my finger, I should not know any more. And you give me the choice between a description that is sure but that teaches me nothing and hypotheses that claim to teach me but that are not sure.
A stranger to myself and to the world, armed solely with a thought that negates itself as soon as it asserts, what is this condition in which I can have peace only by refusing to know and to live, in which the appetite for conquest bumps into walls that defy its assaults? To will is to stir up paradoxes.
~ Albert Camus, from An Absurd Reasoning
Camus touches on the duality of man's longing for knowledge (to understand the world) and mans need for happiness, and the struggle that results from the clashing of those dynamics. The world and life cannot be fully explained or understood. Chaos and irrationality are a part of life.
Acceptance is the only option... which Camus likens to "the total absence of hope (which has nothing to do with despair)".
I like the way Camus writes. I will have to read more.
It's been a long day. It is time for me to move on to better things. I will go play soccer at 6:30, have dinner and then see about getting a couple loads of laundry done. This office feels so stifling... Very soon I will be on my way to different things.
I really value clarity of mind. And yet I often jeopardize my own clarity of mind. Today I feel a bit foggy. I think I can identify some reasons why I may feel this way. This is something to take note of for the future (although it might not in any way alter my choices, but awareness is the goal I think).
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
how are you feeling
I am feeling helpless
I am feeling more like an observer than a participant in life.
That's ok.
What's it worth?
Enough is never enough
Lets have a little moan
Put the world to rest sit back and watch it all slide by
It's a view from a train
Pay somebody else to drive
See the suits
I see the suits
Sunning themselves on the steps
Of the supermarket
and I think of you when I'm alone like this
Burning from the inside...
OH my.
Everything is so fast. How do you make it slow down? Don't ask me.
I remember how it felt to be so close... to be intertwined, my legs and your legs all wound around eachother. So warm. So close. Enveloped in the unique smell of our combined scents. That seemed to make the spinning stop. Wish there was a word for how much I miss that.
I'm gonna go run it all out till I'm too tired to think.
I am feeling more like an observer than a participant in life.
That's ok.
What's it worth?
Enough is never enough
Lets have a little moan
Put the world to rest sit back and watch it all slide by
It's a view from a train
Pay somebody else to drive
See the suits
I see the suits
Sunning themselves on the steps
Of the supermarket
and I think of you when I'm alone like this
Burning from the inside...
OH my.
Everything is so fast. How do you make it slow down? Don't ask me.
I remember how it felt to be so close... to be intertwined, my legs and your legs all wound around eachother. So warm. So close. Enveloped in the unique smell of our combined scents. That seemed to make the spinning stop. Wish there was a word for how much I miss that.
I'm gonna go run it all out till I'm too tired to think.
Friday, July 17, 2009
(miscellaneous)
I recognize it
I forgot what I was going to write about it... But lets see.
Analysis.
I WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD! I want to swallow it whole and spit out all sorts of creations and be wild and have fun and....
Yes I believe I exhibit the behavior of mania from time to time. Things get too much... And so what do I do?
In my frustration, I buy all sorts of sushi. I buy all sorts of alcohol. I eat. I drink. I purposefully get blitzed so that I am over flirtatious with everyone. So that I cannot contain my sexuality. I have fun. I talk and laugh loudly. I drunk dial people late at night trying to find the hookup. I consider drugs. I go knock on peoples doors at midnight. In hindsight... As fun as it is, I think I should rein it in a bit. It's a little bit overwhelmoverthetop. And it's dangerous.
So that's that.
So now, all I care about is keeping the energy up. Cleaning my apartment. I will! Yes I will. I can do it. That will be tomorrow morning. I won't stay up too late tonight. Or maybe I'll stay up all night. Ha ha ha
ok. I must contain myself if I want to not have a bad low.
Last night was an adventure into excessive behavior that resulted from frustrations that had escalated through the day... So I wanted to go CRAZY. I purposefully didn't even try to control myself... Kind of an experiment. I was observing my manic behavior. But I did have fun... All the way through. It was interesting. Since I was kind of aware of it but allowing it I have a better picture of what it's like now... For the other people and for myself. Like the next day when I look at my phone and random calls/texts made to random people, etc.
This is because my sister (the doctor one) said that I seem to be more manic depressive then just depressed... Which totally makes sense. That's where you fluctuate between extemes of the emotional spectrum instead of having a neutral normal place. I never realized before. I've had a long-time diagnosis with severe depression, but I think she might be right, so I've kind of been trying to track my behavior. Whatever. So yeah I'm going to be working a little harder on finding a middle ground for my moods.
Because before my witnessing myself... I would have said but no I really like that. I like to be crazy. I like to feel that wildness. Well now I think it looks kinda bad. It's not realistic. It could become tiresome. It can get me into trouble. Like is there a reason the garage gate was broken this morning? Who knows. Yes I like to be uncontrollably happy, but I think I can put a little moderation in the mix and still keep some happy fun fun ness in there. And probably end up with a lot more enjoyable and rememberable nights, more productive days and cleaner less embarrasing relationships.
Yups.
Here I go. Yoga. Invoices. Clean up. Dancing. Fun Fun Fun Fun Fun. The most wonerful wonerful thing about me is that I'm the only oneIMMMMM the only one.
I forgot what I was going to write about it... But lets see.
Analysis.
I WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD! I want to swallow it whole and spit out all sorts of creations and be wild and have fun and....
Yes I believe I exhibit the behavior of mania from time to time. Things get too much... And so what do I do?
In my frustration, I buy all sorts of sushi. I buy all sorts of alcohol. I eat. I drink. I purposefully get blitzed so that I am over flirtatious with everyone. So that I cannot contain my sexuality. I have fun. I talk and laugh loudly. I drunk dial people late at night trying to find the hookup. I consider drugs. I go knock on peoples doors at midnight. In hindsight... As fun as it is, I think I should rein it in a bit. It's a little bit overwhelmoverthetop. And it's dangerous.
So that's that.
So now, all I care about is keeping the energy up. Cleaning my apartment. I will! Yes I will. I can do it. That will be tomorrow morning. I won't stay up too late tonight. Or maybe I'll stay up all night. Ha ha ha
ok. I must contain myself if I want to not have a bad low.
Last night was an adventure into excessive behavior that resulted from frustrations that had escalated through the day... So I wanted to go CRAZY. I purposefully didn't even try to control myself... Kind of an experiment. I was observing my manic behavior. But I did have fun... All the way through. It was interesting. Since I was kind of aware of it but allowing it I have a better picture of what it's like now... For the other people and for myself. Like the next day when I look at my phone and random calls/texts made to random people, etc.
This is because my sister (the doctor one) said that I seem to be more manic depressive then just depressed... Which totally makes sense. That's where you fluctuate between extemes of the emotional spectrum instead of having a neutral normal place. I never realized before. I've had a long-time diagnosis with severe depression, but I think she might be right, so I've kind of been trying to track my behavior. Whatever. So yeah I'm going to be working a little harder on finding a middle ground for my moods.
Because before my witnessing myself... I would have said but no I really like that. I like to be crazy. I like to feel that wildness. Well now I think it looks kinda bad. It's not realistic. It could become tiresome. It can get me into trouble. Like is there a reason the garage gate was broken this morning? Who knows. Yes I like to be uncontrollably happy, but I think I can put a little moderation in the mix and still keep some happy fun fun ness in there. And probably end up with a lot more enjoyable and rememberable nights, more productive days and cleaner less embarrasing relationships.
Yups.
Here I go. Yoga. Invoices. Clean up. Dancing. Fun Fun Fun Fun Fun. The most wonerful wonerful thing about me is that I'm the only oneIMMMMM the only one.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
limes, serving sizes, and my favorite meal - entry from yesterday
Ok, lemon and water has been recommended many times, but I have discovered that I much prefer lime and water. Lime is amazing. I love it. And in a tight spot I can pretend I'm drinking a Vodka soda/tonic.
Check in with the servings...
I actually have been doing ok with the veggies... I just got worried because it seems to fill up a lot of room on my plate, and makes me so full... This is a good thing. I am very surpised at how filling veggies are.
My favorite meal these days goes like this:
Prepare toaster oven or baking sheet with a layer of foil. Take 6-8 oz white fish of choice and put it in the middle of the tray, sprinkle cut cilantro on top.
Cut a couple slices of:
Zuchini
Squash (italian, yellow, summer are in season right now)
Red pepper
Broccoli
Onion
White mushroom
You only need a little of each because all of them together will make about 1.5 to 2 cups. Top with cut up cilantro and fresh diced garlic. 2 cups is a total of four servings of vegetables, so this is enough for 2 meals (lunch/dinner) and a snack.
Then I put this pretty and colorful mix around my fish of choice (6-8 oz for two meals depending on how active I will be that day), and squeeze lemon juice over the whole thing.
Cover with another piece of foil and cook at 275-300 degrees for 25 minutes, or until fish is cooked.
I take a half portion for my lunch, and garnish with some apple slices and/or other fruit.
Surprisingly, the perfect bite has fish, mixed veggies, and a little apple bit... The sweetness of the apple is the perfect compliment to the spicy garlic, and tart lemon.
Favorite part of this, it's all natural. Only fruit, veggies and fish. No olive oil or butter, etc. The lemon juice ties the whole thing together and is not overpowering once cooked. And the flavor of the veggies comes out, so you can really focus on the individual flavors of each different kind of veggie. I drink a good 20 oz of water before I eat and more during, and I am full and satisfied by the end of the meal.
Just need to find a way to make this process faster... like cut up the veggies and portion them out beforehand.
Check in with the servings...
I actually have been doing ok with the veggies... I just got worried because it seems to fill up a lot of room on my plate, and makes me so full... This is a good thing. I am very surpised at how filling veggies are.
My favorite meal these days goes like this:
Prepare toaster oven or baking sheet with a layer of foil. Take 6-8 oz white fish of choice and put it in the middle of the tray, sprinkle cut cilantro on top.
Cut a couple slices of:
Zuchini
Squash (italian, yellow, summer are in season right now)
Red pepper
Broccoli
Onion
White mushroom
You only need a little of each because all of them together will make about 1.5 to 2 cups. Top with cut up cilantro and fresh diced garlic. 2 cups is a total of four servings of vegetables, so this is enough for 2 meals (lunch/dinner) and a snack.
Then I put this pretty and colorful mix around my fish of choice (6-8 oz for two meals depending on how active I will be that day), and squeeze lemon juice over the whole thing.
Cover with another piece of foil and cook at 275-300 degrees for 25 minutes, or until fish is cooked.
I take a half portion for my lunch, and garnish with some apple slices and/or other fruit.
Surprisingly, the perfect bite has fish, mixed veggies, and a little apple bit... The sweetness of the apple is the perfect compliment to the spicy garlic, and tart lemon.
Favorite part of this, it's all natural. Only fruit, veggies and fish. No olive oil or butter, etc. The lemon juice ties the whole thing together and is not overpowering once cooked. And the flavor of the veggies comes out, so you can really focus on the individual flavors of each different kind of veggie. I drink a good 20 oz of water before I eat and more during, and I am full and satisfied by the end of the meal.
Just need to find a way to make this process faster... like cut up the veggies and portion them out beforehand.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
thoughts and research and more trying
Affirmation of the day:
I am filled with divine light and love. It satisfies me. It fills me with peace and a desire for what is good, and an openness to share with others. I choose to be mindful of each action and am empowered to find balance in mind, body, and spirit. It is a beautiful day. I am happy.
Ok.Quick recap:
Weekend: fun but I did not complete all my objectives
I did not make it to yoga.
I did not post my ads and work on resumes.
I did not do much on the apt.
And now it's Tuesday. I overslept today instead of getting up early and walking to work. Woke up with a start at 8:30am after having weird dreams that I don't remember. And was not able to wake up early yesterday either. It's ok, but I need to continue to persevere and gently try and figure out what will work for me.
Yesterday - ate well. Mainly fruit, veggies, fish, and a little chicken at night. Did three sets of stairs in the building - that’s 1,236 stairs. Went running at the beach, but my body felt tired so I didn't do much... Turned into intervals on the beach, which was all right. Managed to do a short ab workout when I got home. So all very well and good.
I am working on forgiving myself for past mistakes. It's very hard in the realm of what went on with Joe. I'm still amazed at the feelings that suddenly well up. The other challenge is to take things one at a time, not get overwhelmed by a barage of thoughts and intentions, but to focus on the action at hand.
I went to SRF on Sunday and it was good. Have a desire to learn more. Going to try and do the meditation this Thursday, and might buy a ticket to the convocation in August.
Goal for today, refil prescriptions, write music lesson advertisement. Maybe cycling class tonight. We'll see.
My mood, mind, everything is getting more and more weird with each minute.
Frustrating. I better pull myself together. Whatever. Think I'm just emotional. Well I guess I always am. I miss my mister. I miss that friend of mine that I could talk to. I'm really trying to open up and feel this stuff and go through it. I just feel like I'm never going to be on the other side and I don't want to. Because I'm scared that I'll lose him. Funny..not... But having a relationship with someone who's dead is like having a relationship with someone who is just never there... Except at least you could have the comfort, the asurance that they were warmed by the same sun and breathing the same air. I guess my favorite thing of all would be to see him... If he could give me a sign that he's there. I see things from time to time, and wonder if I'm fooling myself, but it makes me happy anyway. And I wonder and hope so much that reincarnation is true and that I can see him again in my life. Even if he's just a little guy. It's silly. But not really. I truly feel that to my core whatever ages we were we would be good friends. I so so so wish he hadn't ripped himself out of my life like that... Leaving me with all this confusion about what happened and such a longing for his presence.
So getting work done today has been impossible. I'm feeling bogged down again, and so afraid at feeling that way. I fear the lows. And I see all these dangers of when all of a sudden I feel good and I just want to fly or something and it's a crazy high, but I love the way it feels and I don't know if it's ok, and I fear it isn't, but I fear not feeling that... And I always think, yeah I can make this last, I can be a successful amazingly productive intelligent person and get all this stuff done no problem! And then a week later... Oh no here it comes again. I can't take it... And trying to talk to myself and pull myself away from it, and what the fuck is all worth? C'mon it's worth something hil... But I just think it's fucking stupid! I spend so much time trying to be my own psychiatrist and read all this shit and do the right thing and it's just back and forth and up and down. It's exhausting... I'm over it... Unless I'm up. I just wish my friend was around.
So I was going to try for the cycling class tonight. Maybe I should do a yoga instead... Either would probably be good. I should try for the 6pm cycling... Yoga could be an option for tomorrow morning. I think today is gone well yes it is. 5pm already.
Sometimes I just can't take the stress. I am doing research on emotional extremes. Found an interesting article on "Emotional Sobriety and the Addicted Traumatized Family."
"Emotional sobriety or the restoration of balanced functioning both within the self and in the family is where treatment is heading. Each member of the family who has lived in the atmosphere we describe in this article needs and deserves help in sorting out the complicated effects of living with chronic pain and stress. Treatment for addiction and codependency, in my experience, requires a full network of stabilizing experiences and relationships so that while dysfunctional dynamics are deconstructed and defenses dismantled, the skills of emotional sobriety are also being slowly and incrementally built or rebuilt."
It outlines some of the swings in functioning that family members go through after experiencing a dysfunctional environment. The swings are:
Set-up #1: High Intensity vs. Shutdown/Dissociation
Set-up #2: Over Functioning vs. Under Functioning
Set-up #3: Enmeshment/Disengagement
Set-up #4: Impulsivity vs. Rigidity
Set-up #5: Grandiosity vs. Low Self Worth
Set-up #6: Caretaking vs. Neglect
Set-up #7: Abuse vs. Victimization
Here's an example of the article: read the whole thing at http://www.bhcjournal.com/News/ProfessionalPerspective/tabid/255/Default.aspx?ArticleId=22834&PageNumber=1
Set-up #1: High Intensity vs. Shutdown/Dissociation
When family members become overwhelmed, when they experience the unpredictable and disturbing behavior surrounding them as too intense to manage, they may shut down in an unconscious attempt to minimize personal damage. It goes something like this: We get scared, adrenaline courses through our body and revs us up for fight or flight. We either release that adrenaline by fighting or taking off, or we freeze, we shut down. Like a circuit breaker that has gotten too hot, our limbic system flips and switches to the “off” position. We slam on our emotional breaks.
This mind/body action of alternating between feeling flooded with intense emotion then numbing or shutting down reflects the “black and white functioning” that those who have felt psychologically traumatized often report experiencing. These dynamics may manifest in feeling and behavior patterns that mirror living in emotional extremes rather than in emotional sobriety.
The Solution: What we need to learn to do when we get scared is to talk ourselves down from these high pitches so that we are in a position to talk out rather than act out our feelings. We may need to take a break in order to feel more balanced and less reactive. Activities that can bring our fear reaction back into balance are deep breathing, calming exercise or simply reflecting on what might be getting triggered in us before we swing into action.
#6: Caretaking vs. Neglect
Caretaking can be part of a fear or grief response; an attempt to attend to in another person that which needs to be attended to within the self. We may, for example, project our own unconscious anxiety or pain onto someone else, seeing it as about them rather than understanding it as our own. Then we set about attending to “their” symptoms, fixing them, rather than fixing ourselves. It is a form of care that is all too often motivated by our own unidentified pain rather than a genuine awareness of another’s distress. Because this is the case, neglect can be its dark side. We neglect or don’t see what is really needed within another person because we can’t identify real need within ourselves.
Neglect is a passive aggressive form or hurting someone. It can take the form of ignoring, withholding care, nurturing and attention, or simply not engaging in the kinds of behaviors that reflect attunement and care. People who have been habitually neglected can have a difficult time identifying what’s wrong because there is no easy behavior on which to pin their sense of woundedness. They may feel that they have too many needs for anyone to meet or they may be mistrustful of deep connection. In an attempt to avoid further pain, they may push away the very vehicle that might help them to heal — namely relationships.
The Solution: Good self care and a steady relationship with a recovery network — a therapist, a therapy group and 12-step programs — can slowly, over time, help create a new sense of connectedness with self and others, and build the skills of emotional sobriety.
I identified with all of them to a certain extent. The solutions to these things... Make me feel overwhelmed. Where am I supposed to find the time/money/resources to get all fixed up? I'm trying already anyway... Best I can do is keep fighting on my own. God. Sometimes I'm just so sick of it. I want a hug right now. And there's nobody... Sigh.
You know it's only love that gets you through... It's only love, it's only love that gets you through.
Have faith self. I suppose I should start getting ready to go. I'm two steps away from throwing my hands up and taking a nap, going for a drink, etc. etc...
here we go
I am filled with divine light and love. It satisfies me. It fills me with peace and a desire for what is good, and an openness to share with others. I choose to be mindful of each action and am empowered to find balance in mind, body, and spirit. It is a beautiful day. I am happy.
Ok.Quick recap:
Weekend: fun but I did not complete all my objectives
I did not make it to yoga.
I did not post my ads and work on resumes.
I did not do much on the apt.
And now it's Tuesday. I overslept today instead of getting up early and walking to work. Woke up with a start at 8:30am after having weird dreams that I don't remember. And was not able to wake up early yesterday either. It's ok, but I need to continue to persevere and gently try and figure out what will work for me.
Yesterday - ate well. Mainly fruit, veggies, fish, and a little chicken at night. Did three sets of stairs in the building - that’s 1,236 stairs. Went running at the beach, but my body felt tired so I didn't do much... Turned into intervals on the beach, which was all right. Managed to do a short ab workout when I got home. So all very well and good.
I am working on forgiving myself for past mistakes. It's very hard in the realm of what went on with Joe. I'm still amazed at the feelings that suddenly well up. The other challenge is to take things one at a time, not get overwhelmed by a barage of thoughts and intentions, but to focus on the action at hand.
I went to SRF on Sunday and it was good. Have a desire to learn more. Going to try and do the meditation this Thursday, and might buy a ticket to the convocation in August.
Goal for today, refil prescriptions, write music lesson advertisement. Maybe cycling class tonight. We'll see.
My mood, mind, everything is getting more and more weird with each minute.
Frustrating. I better pull myself together. Whatever. Think I'm just emotional. Well I guess I always am. I miss my mister. I miss that friend of mine that I could talk to. I'm really trying to open up and feel this stuff and go through it. I just feel like I'm never going to be on the other side and I don't want to. Because I'm scared that I'll lose him. Funny..not... But having a relationship with someone who's dead is like having a relationship with someone who is just never there... Except at least you could have the comfort, the asurance that they were warmed by the same sun and breathing the same air. I guess my favorite thing of all would be to see him... If he could give me a sign that he's there. I see things from time to time, and wonder if I'm fooling myself, but it makes me happy anyway. And I wonder and hope so much that reincarnation is true and that I can see him again in my life. Even if he's just a little guy. It's silly. But not really. I truly feel that to my core whatever ages we were we would be good friends. I so so so wish he hadn't ripped himself out of my life like that... Leaving me with all this confusion about what happened and such a longing for his presence.
So getting work done today has been impossible. I'm feeling bogged down again, and so afraid at feeling that way. I fear the lows. And I see all these dangers of when all of a sudden I feel good and I just want to fly or something and it's a crazy high, but I love the way it feels and I don't know if it's ok, and I fear it isn't, but I fear not feeling that... And I always think, yeah I can make this last, I can be a successful amazingly productive intelligent person and get all this stuff done no problem! And then a week later... Oh no here it comes again. I can't take it... And trying to talk to myself and pull myself away from it, and what the fuck is all worth? C'mon it's worth something hil... But I just think it's fucking stupid! I spend so much time trying to be my own psychiatrist and read all this shit and do the right thing and it's just back and forth and up and down. It's exhausting... I'm over it... Unless I'm up. I just wish my friend was around.
So I was going to try for the cycling class tonight. Maybe I should do a yoga instead... Either would probably be good. I should try for the 6pm cycling... Yoga could be an option for tomorrow morning. I think today is gone well yes it is. 5pm already.
Sometimes I just can't take the stress. I am doing research on emotional extremes. Found an interesting article on "Emotional Sobriety and the Addicted Traumatized Family."
"Emotional sobriety or the restoration of balanced functioning both within the self and in the family is where treatment is heading. Each member of the family who has lived in the atmosphere we describe in this article needs and deserves help in sorting out the complicated effects of living with chronic pain and stress. Treatment for addiction and codependency, in my experience, requires a full network of stabilizing experiences and relationships so that while dysfunctional dynamics are deconstructed and defenses dismantled, the skills of emotional sobriety are also being slowly and incrementally built or rebuilt."
It outlines some of the swings in functioning that family members go through after experiencing a dysfunctional environment. The swings are:
Set-up #1: High Intensity vs. Shutdown/Dissociation
Set-up #2: Over Functioning vs. Under Functioning
Set-up #3: Enmeshment/Disengagement
Set-up #4: Impulsivity vs. Rigidity
Set-up #5: Grandiosity vs. Low Self Worth
Set-up #6: Caretaking vs. Neglect
Set-up #7: Abuse vs. Victimization
Here's an example of the article: read the whole thing at http://www.bhcjournal.com/News/ProfessionalPerspective/tabid/255/Default.aspx?ArticleId=22834&PageNumber=1
Set-up #1: High Intensity vs. Shutdown/Dissociation
When family members become overwhelmed, when they experience the unpredictable and disturbing behavior surrounding them as too intense to manage, they may shut down in an unconscious attempt to minimize personal damage. It goes something like this: We get scared, adrenaline courses through our body and revs us up for fight or flight. We either release that adrenaline by fighting or taking off, or we freeze, we shut down. Like a circuit breaker that has gotten too hot, our limbic system flips and switches to the “off” position. We slam on our emotional breaks.
This mind/body action of alternating between feeling flooded with intense emotion then numbing or shutting down reflects the “black and white functioning” that those who have felt psychologically traumatized often report experiencing. These dynamics may manifest in feeling and behavior patterns that mirror living in emotional extremes rather than in emotional sobriety.
The Solution: What we need to learn to do when we get scared is to talk ourselves down from these high pitches so that we are in a position to talk out rather than act out our feelings. We may need to take a break in order to feel more balanced and less reactive. Activities that can bring our fear reaction back into balance are deep breathing, calming exercise or simply reflecting on what might be getting triggered in us before we swing into action.
#6: Caretaking vs. Neglect
Caretaking can be part of a fear or grief response; an attempt to attend to in another person that which needs to be attended to within the self. We may, for example, project our own unconscious anxiety or pain onto someone else, seeing it as about them rather than understanding it as our own. Then we set about attending to “their” symptoms, fixing them, rather than fixing ourselves. It is a form of care that is all too often motivated by our own unidentified pain rather than a genuine awareness of another’s distress. Because this is the case, neglect can be its dark side. We neglect or don’t see what is really needed within another person because we can’t identify real need within ourselves.
Neglect is a passive aggressive form or hurting someone. It can take the form of ignoring, withholding care, nurturing and attention, or simply not engaging in the kinds of behaviors that reflect attunement and care. People who have been habitually neglected can have a difficult time identifying what’s wrong because there is no easy behavior on which to pin their sense of woundedness. They may feel that they have too many needs for anyone to meet or they may be mistrustful of deep connection. In an attempt to avoid further pain, they may push away the very vehicle that might help them to heal — namely relationships.
The Solution: Good self care and a steady relationship with a recovery network — a therapist, a therapy group and 12-step programs — can slowly, over time, help create a new sense of connectedness with self and others, and build the skills of emotional sobriety.
I identified with all of them to a certain extent. The solutions to these things... Make me feel overwhelmed. Where am I supposed to find the time/money/resources to get all fixed up? I'm trying already anyway... Best I can do is keep fighting on my own. God. Sometimes I'm just so sick of it. I want a hug right now. And there's nobody... Sigh.
You know it's only love that gets you through... It's only love, it's only love that gets you through.
Have faith self. I suppose I should start getting ready to go. I'm two steps away from throwing my hands up and taking a nap, going for a drink, etc. etc...
here we go
Friday, July 10, 2009
quicky
The rundown...
Didn't make it to Yoga... was too tired.
But I did do three flights of stairs.
Ate very well.
Fish, Veggies, Fruit, One piece of sprouted bread...
about to head to happy hour.
worried about money.
will do the following this weekend:
Submit an add for music lessons
dishes
office order for work
joe is heavy on my mind and heart and I'm trying to do the mindfullness meditation... it's a challenge...
I will drink moderately tonight. and drinking does not mean bad food!
Didn't make it to Yoga... was too tired.
But I did do three flights of stairs.
Ate very well.
Fish, Veggies, Fruit, One piece of sprouted bread...
about to head to happy hour.
worried about money.
will do the following this weekend:
Submit an add for music lessons
dishes
office order for work
joe is heavy on my mind and heart and I'm trying to do the mindfullness meditation... it's a challenge...
I will drink moderately tonight. and drinking does not mean bad food!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
an unnecessary update
so far
eats:
Clumps of grapes
Several Strawberries
one piece healthy grain bread
2 ir 3 oz tillapia
veggies: broccoli, summer squash, zuchini, red pepper, onion, garlic, cilantro, carrot medley
30z chicken that Joy gave me
one quarter apple, one quarter orange, clump of grapes, strawberry
Lots of water/lemon juice
have yet to eat
the rest of the fish and veggies (dinner maybe?)
and fruit - that should do it for the day. yep.
so that's good
exercise:
1 flight of 412 stairs (about to do a second)
two sets 12 pushups
30 seconds plank
to do: blink blink blink ummm i'll get back to ya
ok... well here at the end of the day I'm feeling a little drained. Don't know what it is. Should I crack and have a little coffee while I finish up here? or should I hope my energy will return once I breathe some fresh air.
I think instead of prioritizing the workout, I should prioritize ENJOYMENT of my workout.
I would enjoy seeing the beach. Or doing anything outside. Even jumping around. Or a game of vball or tennis...
ok no volleyball tonight. I think a run at the beach or jumping rope at the park is in order, finished up by 15 minute abs.
I commit. To 45 minutes of physical activity. Oh and I will be walking home so that's a plus.
Next, try and clear the drain.
Next:
Make a plan for ticket, decide on drive or fly to SF, refresh other objectives (doc/dentist,job, move)
Read meditation thing
Meditate
Music if there's time
Bedtime 10:30
I am going to try for yoga tomorrow. Somehow get pumped and go. It will be very good for me, and I have happy hour and the birthday thingy at night. Speaking of I should get something for her. hmm.
Pay rent tomorrow. better late than never.
That's it. AND STICK TO THE PLAN. You can do it. I love you.
eats:
Clumps of grapes
Several Strawberries
one piece healthy grain bread
2 ir 3 oz tillapia
veggies: broccoli, summer squash, zuchini, red pepper, onion, garlic, cilantro, carrot medley
30z chicken that Joy gave me
one quarter apple, one quarter orange, clump of grapes, strawberry
Lots of water/lemon juice
have yet to eat
the rest of the fish and veggies (dinner maybe?)
and fruit - that should do it for the day. yep.
so that's good
exercise:
1 flight of 412 stairs (about to do a second)
two sets 12 pushups
30 seconds plank
to do: blink blink blink ummm i'll get back to ya
ok... well here at the end of the day I'm feeling a little drained. Don't know what it is. Should I crack and have a little coffee while I finish up here? or should I hope my energy will return once I breathe some fresh air.
I think instead of prioritizing the workout, I should prioritize ENJOYMENT of my workout.
I would enjoy seeing the beach. Or doing anything outside. Even jumping around. Or a game of vball or tennis...
ok no volleyball tonight. I think a run at the beach or jumping rope at the park is in order, finished up by 15 minute abs.
I commit. To 45 minutes of physical activity. Oh and I will be walking home so that's a plus.
Next, try and clear the drain.
Next:
Make a plan for ticket, decide on drive or fly to SF, refresh other objectives (doc/dentist,job, move)
Read meditation thing
Meditate
Music if there's time
Bedtime 10:30
I am going to try for yoga tomorrow. Somehow get pumped and go. It will be very good for me, and I have happy hour and the birthday thingy at night. Speaking of I should get something for her. hmm.
Pay rent tomorrow. better late than never.
That's it. AND STICK TO THE PLAN. You can do it. I love you.
a step in the right direction
so, howd I do?
Well all in all I think I have done well.
I got home, put on my shoes and did a little walk/run to blockbuster to return my rentals.
When I got home I put on some music and started some resistance training, intending to do at least three circuits of the four exercises, dumbell rows, romanian lifts, pushups, abs, at least 10 reps, with 2 minutes of jumping around to get my heart rate up... jumping jacks, dancing, whatever. I discovered my stair climbing had made me a bit sore in a good way - like I needed to stretch my muscles and stuff. So in the middle of my first circuit, all the power goes off. My immediate worry was that I didn't pay my bill and so I decided I better rectify that asap - which means getting dressed and going to work to use the internet/phone. My phone has no battery and no way to charge it with the power off. So I walk outside, and there were two smokers hanging out on the balcony beneath mine so I asked them if their power was out as well, to which they replied yes...
so then slightly bummed my workout was interrupted, I decided to go to the store and get the shopping done instead, thinking that I did my 30 mins of activity, and plus the stair climbing my body had been challenged a little. IT'S OK!. Shopping took longer than expected as always... and cost more than expected, as always.... so $50 later I had all sorts of fruits, veggies, and some tillapia fillets, lemon juice, cat litter, and some drain clearer... keep your fingers cross it works so I can do the dishes and not breed flies in my sink.
Arriving home in the dark I stuck things in the fridge, pulled out leftover asian food for dinner, lit candles, and ate outside. When the power came on I just left the lights out, because it was nice. Well actually I didn't know when the power went on because I didn't have anything "on" to let me know, but I saw lights accross the street, momentarily felt a little silly, and then just decided to pretend it was still out. I thought, I'm glad my guitar doesn't run on electricity, and I pulled it out and played a tune or two. I love to sing. I love to hear and make music. I do. It's one thing I know... If only I could have more, and have more words, I have music in my head but lack the words that express things right... I suppose that's where the practice comes in. Sigh.
Anyway, the only place I went wrong was in having a peanut butter jelly sandwich AFTER dinner, which I didn't need, but I thought since I'm starting the detox today might as well use up the last bagel.
I did a night time routine... this is good! washed face, brushed teeth... that is a good healthy habit. good girl! Had a bit of trouble getting to sleep and slight fitful sleep when I did, kept waking up to the sound of my grinding teeth... hate that... woke up at 5:30... the light was just starting to fade in, snoozed about twenty times and all in all ended up getting out of bed around 7:15/7:20am. Ok... not failure - IMPROVEMENT!!! Improvement by a whole 30 minutes. Determined to follow through I put food together for the day, jumped in and out of the shower, put some lotion on my face... got dressed real quick and put on my running shoes to WALK TO WORK! Yeay! I have begun the day well. A walk to work, several prayers and affirmations and breathing. and then a half liter of water, one cup of coffee, a 80 calorie piece of high fiber, sprouted grain/oat/soy bread which surprising tastes good! (I think it's Exekial bread). five strawberries, a clump of grapes and lemon water that I'm still working on for breakfast. So we're doing well. We're detoxing. We are cleaning out mind body soul.... this is good.
So to adjust for better results tomorrow... I will continue to move back my GETTING UP time by 20 or thirty minutes, because that was what I was able to do this morning. Makes more sense then jumping the time back 3 hours all at once. Gentle. ok so that would mean tomorrow is 6:50 or 7am. Unless I decide to do 5:30am yoga. which would be nice. We'll see.
and I will continue to journal like this. Hilighting or bolding positive "me" sort of things. So I can see how well I'm doing, and what I like, and solidify who this crazy girl is.
and now I move on to calm peaceful productive work with a happy attitude of gratitude, believing that my life today in this moment is a work of art that will evolve and unfold throughout the day, and I can try and make it beautiful. No. I can make it beautiful. It is beautiful.
and a quick shout out to my best friend mister man who is always on my mind. Mon amour durera toujours.
Well all in all I think I have done well.
I got home, put on my shoes and did a little walk/run to blockbuster to return my rentals.
When I got home I put on some music and started some resistance training, intending to do at least three circuits of the four exercises, dumbell rows, romanian lifts, pushups, abs, at least 10 reps, with 2 minutes of jumping around to get my heart rate up... jumping jacks, dancing, whatever. I discovered my stair climbing had made me a bit sore in a good way - like I needed to stretch my muscles and stuff. So in the middle of my first circuit, all the power goes off. My immediate worry was that I didn't pay my bill and so I decided I better rectify that asap - which means getting dressed and going to work to use the internet/phone. My phone has no battery and no way to charge it with the power off. So I walk outside, and there were two smokers hanging out on the balcony beneath mine so I asked them if their power was out as well, to which they replied yes...
so then slightly bummed my workout was interrupted, I decided to go to the store and get the shopping done instead, thinking that I did my 30 mins of activity, and plus the stair climbing my body had been challenged a little. IT'S OK!. Shopping took longer than expected as always... and cost more than expected, as always.... so $50 later I had all sorts of fruits, veggies, and some tillapia fillets, lemon juice, cat litter, and some drain clearer... keep your fingers cross it works so I can do the dishes and not breed flies in my sink.
Arriving home in the dark I stuck things in the fridge, pulled out leftover asian food for dinner, lit candles, and ate outside. When the power came on I just left the lights out, because it was nice. Well actually I didn't know when the power went on because I didn't have anything "on" to let me know, but I saw lights accross the street, momentarily felt a little silly, and then just decided to pretend it was still out. I thought, I'm glad my guitar doesn't run on electricity, and I pulled it out and played a tune or two. I love to sing. I love to hear and make music. I do. It's one thing I know... If only I could have more, and have more words, I have music in my head but lack the words that express things right... I suppose that's where the practice comes in. Sigh.
Anyway, the only place I went wrong was in having a peanut butter jelly sandwich AFTER dinner, which I didn't need, but I thought since I'm starting the detox today might as well use up the last bagel.
I did a night time routine... this is good! washed face, brushed teeth... that is a good healthy habit. good girl! Had a bit of trouble getting to sleep and slight fitful sleep when I did, kept waking up to the sound of my grinding teeth... hate that... woke up at 5:30... the light was just starting to fade in, snoozed about twenty times and all in all ended up getting out of bed around 7:15/7:20am. Ok... not failure - IMPROVEMENT!!! Improvement by a whole 30 minutes. Determined to follow through I put food together for the day, jumped in and out of the shower, put some lotion on my face... got dressed real quick and put on my running shoes to WALK TO WORK! Yeay! I have begun the day well. A walk to work, several prayers and affirmations and breathing. and then a half liter of water, one cup of coffee, a 80 calorie piece of high fiber, sprouted grain/oat/soy bread which surprising tastes good! (I think it's Exekial bread). five strawberries, a clump of grapes and lemon water that I'm still working on for breakfast. So we're doing well. We're detoxing. We are cleaning out mind body soul.... this is good.
So to adjust for better results tomorrow... I will continue to move back my GETTING UP time by 20 or thirty minutes, because that was what I was able to do this morning. Makes more sense then jumping the time back 3 hours all at once. Gentle. ok so that would mean tomorrow is 6:50 or 7am. Unless I decide to do 5:30am yoga. which would be nice. We'll see.
and I will continue to journal like this. Hilighting or bolding positive "me" sort of things. So I can see how well I'm doing, and what I like, and solidify who this crazy girl is.
and now I move on to calm peaceful productive work with a happy attitude of gratitude, believing that my life today in this moment is a work of art that will evolve and unfold throughout the day, and I can try and make it beautiful. No. I can make it beautiful. It is beautiful.
and a quick shout out to my best friend mister man who is always on my mind. Mon amour durera toujours.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Commitment
Commitment 1.
I have decided to commit to a three day detox plan. There are a couple problems. I want to do this now, but there are several events this weekend that will incorporate alcohol, which really doesn't go with a detox plan. So I think I'll have to compromise. I will have day 1 tomorrow, day 2 friday and then pause... drink moderately friday and saturday and continue normal healthy diet, restart the detox on Sunday or Monday. Ok? ok. I'm considering doing the Master Cleanse diet at some point (http://themastercleanse.org/), but it seems much more involved and will require planning and preperation. We'll see.
Day one:
---
Water!! or water with lemon
light whole grain cereal/oatmeal/bread
fresh fruit juice
---
vegetables
a few ounces of fish
---
same for dinner
Day Two:
---
Water!! or water with lemon
fresh fruit
---
dark green salad
with olive oil/lemon
---
steamed veggies and fish
Day Three:
---
lemon water and fruit only
steamed vegetables for dinner
Buy:
lemons or lemon juice
vegetables
fish
some kind of whole grain cereal
ok done and done... starty offy tomorrowy.
Of course two days later and plane tickets are 40 bucks more. sucks.
my tooth hurts.
ok to drive or fly. I don't know. have to think about that tonight.
I did two flights of stairs today. that's 824 stairs thank you very much.
I would like to be done with a little exercise by 7:30pm. then a quick shoperoo done by 8:30. maybe get some draino and finish the dishes. read/meditate/organize starting 9:30. bed by 10:30.
Commitment 2: I commit to becoming an early riser. See: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/05/how-to-become-an-early-riser/
The challenge... to get up when the alarm goes off. I will begin by actually getting up... and inching the wake up time earlier. Right now it's usually 7:40 or later when I finally decide I can't put off the day any longer, and race to decide which is more important, wash face or brush teeth cus there isn't time for both, check on kitty rations real quick and dash to the car to race to work getting there you know... close enough in my opinion, at pretty much 8am. So anything 7 or earlier will be success, but I have to decide tonight what I want that to be. I think 5:30am would be ambitious but leave me time for 1. shower, wash face, AND brush teeth (wow) 2. stretch or exercise 3. a little soul time to get composed for the day 4 maybe even walk to work! ok, so 5:30 it is.
I commit! I'm writing it here for all you invisible friends out there so that I have accountability! Because by writing it and sharing it it becomes real. and I will have to confess it if I fail. but I'm not afraid of failure. but I'm hungry for success. I really need to stand behind this one because morning and sleep makes me wishy washy. so whatever. wish me good luck.
and I want to send out a lot of love. Sometimes I think I get scared because I don't have enough places to put my love.... like in Magnolia "I have a lot of love to give, I just don't know where to put it"... So I send it out today, in my imperfection and confusion and hurting as I seek to love myself and love my struggles, I feel a lot of love for all you out there, all fighting your own battles. I hope for the light. I hope for peace. Here I go.
Commitment 3
I will have some sort of activity tonight, 30 minutes at least. Lets do Back, Hamstrings, Pushups, Abs, and a little run around the neighborhood. Sounds good. I'll go for
Dumbell rows or reverse flys for back
single leg romanian deadlifts for hamstrings, walking lunges
pushups, army style, slow for chest, shoulders, arms
reverse crunch, hanging leg raise, scissor kicks, and side bridges/oblique crunches
KEEP IT SIMPLE. HAVE FUN. LOVE YOURSELF. k lets go.
I have decided to commit to a three day detox plan. There are a couple problems. I want to do this now, but there are several events this weekend that will incorporate alcohol, which really doesn't go with a detox plan. So I think I'll have to compromise. I will have day 1 tomorrow, day 2 friday and then pause... drink moderately friday and saturday and continue normal healthy diet, restart the detox on Sunday or Monday. Ok? ok. I'm considering doing the Master Cleanse diet at some point (http://themastercleanse.org/), but it seems much more involved and will require planning and preperation. We'll see.
Day one:
---
Water!! or water with lemon
light whole grain cereal/oatmeal/bread
fresh fruit juice
---
vegetables
a few ounces of fish
---
same for dinner
Day Two:
---
Water!! or water with lemon
fresh fruit
---
dark green salad
with olive oil/lemon
---
steamed veggies and fish
Day Three:
---
lemon water and fruit only
steamed vegetables for dinner
Buy:
lemons or lemon juice
vegetables
fish
some kind of whole grain cereal
ok done and done... starty offy tomorrowy.
Of course two days later and plane tickets are 40 bucks more. sucks.
my tooth hurts.
ok to drive or fly. I don't know. have to think about that tonight.
I did two flights of stairs today. that's 824 stairs thank you very much.
I would like to be done with a little exercise by 7:30pm. then a quick shoperoo done by 8:30. maybe get some draino and finish the dishes. read/meditate/organize starting 9:30. bed by 10:30.
Commitment 2: I commit to becoming an early riser. See: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/05/how-to-become-an-early-riser/
The challenge... to get up when the alarm goes off. I will begin by actually getting up... and inching the wake up time earlier. Right now it's usually 7:40 or later when I finally decide I can't put off the day any longer, and race to decide which is more important, wash face or brush teeth cus there isn't time for both, check on kitty rations real quick and dash to the car to race to work getting there you know... close enough in my opinion, at pretty much 8am. So anything 7 or earlier will be success, but I have to decide tonight what I want that to be. I think 5:30am would be ambitious but leave me time for 1. shower, wash face, AND brush teeth (wow) 2. stretch or exercise 3. a little soul time to get composed for the day 4 maybe even walk to work! ok, so 5:30 it is.
I commit! I'm writing it here for all you invisible friends out there so that I have accountability! Because by writing it and sharing it it becomes real. and I will have to confess it if I fail. but I'm not afraid of failure. but I'm hungry for success. I really need to stand behind this one because morning and sleep makes me wishy washy. so whatever. wish me good luck.
and I want to send out a lot of love. Sometimes I think I get scared because I don't have enough places to put my love.... like in Magnolia "I have a lot of love to give, I just don't know where to put it"... So I send it out today, in my imperfection and confusion and hurting as I seek to love myself and love my struggles, I feel a lot of love for all you out there, all fighting your own battles. I hope for the light. I hope for peace. Here I go.
Commitment 3
I will have some sort of activity tonight, 30 minutes at least. Lets do Back, Hamstrings, Pushups, Abs, and a little run around the neighborhood. Sounds good. I'll go for
Dumbell rows or reverse flys for back
single leg romanian deadlifts for hamstrings, walking lunges
pushups, army style, slow for chest, shoulders, arms
reverse crunch, hanging leg raise, scissor kicks, and side bridges/oblique crunches
KEEP IT SIMPLE. HAVE FUN. LOVE YOURSELF. k lets go.
visualization for today
I am muddling. Muddling is better than sinking. and as I fight through my day talking myself through the "whelms" (as in over or under- whelmed) and hoping no one will see me squirming over here trying to supress my crying spells, I am trying to envision myself a courageous warrior, never to give up or accept defeat and getting stronger with every step, and most of all surrounded all the time by a big white unconditional complete compassionate loving light like a hug that makes me impervious or at least strengthens me against the darkness of all these enemies and obstacles...
This seems to be helping. Although I still feel like I'm not getting anything done, but I am. I did a flight of stairs today. 10 pushups. I finished updating some contacts. GOOD GIRL. I'M PROUD OF YOU. We're supposed to praise ourselves for every little good thing that we do - it works a hundred times better to change ourselves than criticizing the bad stuff we do. So every little thing. Yes that's good. yes that's good. taking a sip of tea, yes that's good. making a UPS label, yes that's good. looking in the mirror without making a puke face at yourself, yes that's good. looking into your own eyes and say i forgive you, i love you, very good girl! and talking to coworker in a civil friendly manner, yes good girl. closing the email and wikipedia articles and song lyrics and news and focusing on only work for a while, yes very good! and so on.
This seems to be helping. Although I still feel like I'm not getting anything done, but I am. I did a flight of stairs today. 10 pushups. I finished updating some contacts. GOOD GIRL. I'M PROUD OF YOU. We're supposed to praise ourselves for every little good thing that we do - it works a hundred times better to change ourselves than criticizing the bad stuff we do. So every little thing. Yes that's good. yes that's good. taking a sip of tea, yes that's good. making a UPS label, yes that's good. looking in the mirror without making a puke face at yourself, yes that's good. looking into your own eyes and say i forgive you, i love you, very good girl! and talking to coworker in a civil friendly manner, yes good girl. closing the email and wikipedia articles and song lyrics and news and focusing on only work for a while, yes very good! and so on.
plans
I was thinking I could try a new font today. It's a day for newness. It's a new day.
Time for another plan.
After being completely derailed for a total of almost 2 weeks, I feel as if I've gained 10 pounds of fat, lost 10 pounds of muscle, and grown down to a childs state, completely lost sight of my immediate future, my long term future, and what I can do to change it, degraded myself completely by not taking care of myself in the most basic of ways, i.e. brushing my teeth, drinking water, wearing clean clothes... I have allowed myself to hide by any and all possible means, closing blinds, watching movies, reading... Anything to spare me the horror of being by myself with myself in the middle of this mess that is my life... And the thought of slowly wittling away at this chunk of spew is something awful... Nauseating, crazifying, makes me feel like a demon or something. All right, so I have been self diagnosing and self correcting for years. It's time to go right ahead and do it again. I'm past the point of thinking there is one fix that will do me for life... Right? Not happening. What I accept is that I will continue to trip and fall and pick myself up for the entirety of my life. That's how it goes. And depending on my mentality it can be a beautiful thing. Right? right. (Reluctant capitulation).
SO what is actually going on here? I am FRIGHTENED by the reality of my life. Traffic Tickets. Money. Rent. Cleanliness. Clothes. Always fighting these URGES. Health. Friends and social life. Music... Am I wasting my time? School. Am I smart enough? Learning more. Doing more. Men. Why am I alone. Where is that one person who loved me. What the hell happened in that whole foggy 5 years? I'm supposed to BE someone. Not enough time. Not enough focus. I have to change jobs. I have to move. I have to find a roomate. I have to get a computer. A lot of it is money problems I think.
So in full support of the notion that people can change... meaning me - I CAN GET BETTER! I CAN IMPROVE. I CAN SUCCEED - I will now formulate a new plan. These plans rarely come to fruition, but it's not the plan itself that pulls me out of the despair, it's the little flame of hope I fan by making the plan.
So we're off. Lets start by saying (and believing)some affirmations. Ok well first lets find some appropriate ones.
Google search: How to love yourself.
Just got intercepted by live broadcast of the memorial service. Lucky Michael Jackson.
Loving myself can hold for a second.
Ok...
1. Love is a choice. Make the choice to love yourself: Learning to love yourself starts with making a conscious decision, an intention to become happy and lead a fulfilled life. Loving yourself is honoring your essence - your unique/eternal spirit.
2. Forgive yourself
3. Nurture yourself - find out what makes you feel good and do it
4. Stop Worrying
5. Trust yourself
6. Grow Spiritually
7. Make Positive affirmations each day. "I love and accept myself completely and unconditionally"; "I deserve to be happy and balanced in mind, body, spirit."
8. Be gentle and kind in changing the ways of your mind
9. Be loving to your negatives - acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need, and now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. Lovingly release the old patterns.
10. Look in the mirror in your eyes with love and say "I forgive myself for believing that I was not worthy of love."
Express gratitude for the person you are.
Ok. I will find and express fogiveness and love for myself. I will be patient with my slow progress. I will accept the imperfection of everything with love. I will nurture my spirituality.
Really it all comes down to love. That is the goal and the reason and the key and the door to freedom... And so that has to be my main focus.
THE PLAN:
I'm drawing blanks and shooting myself with them.
Simplicity is the key. And love.
This is where I'll start:
1. Diet (detox focus)
2. Prayer - meditation - Prioritize finding some time for this.
3. Exercise - I know what to do here... Don't make it harder than it is. Just do a little bit everyday.
4. Focus on Love and Gratitude, and Conciousness/Mindfulness... Experiencing and noting every tiny thing
NEXT DAY
Ok so now it's Wednesday 7/8. It is 8:42am. This morning I walked in almost 15 minutes late... And I know he'll round up... And Boss was right outside the elevator. Great. Thanks. Excellent. Now sitting with my coffee after having emptied the dishwasher I'm pretty much over it. When people say "MY coffee" rather than just "coffee" or "some coffee"... What does that mean? I'm making it mine... Exerting my control in having it... Exerting my posession of it, expressing a familiarity with having coffee, being cutsy... I don't know. It certainly sounds more cozy. Whatever. More on status. My stomach hurts. I've done it to myself with the smooth move tea and the late night indulging. So I'll accept the punishment. But I have to figure something out with that. I deserve to have control and balance in my eating habits. Simple as that. It's not a big deal. Don't make it a big deal. Whatever, anyway, the fact of being late has faded in with the myriad of other things I'm trying to "work through" today. No wonder things take such a long time for me. Because just to do something, or intending to do something sloughs up all sorts of "issues" and problem areas and logical fallacies and self criticism... That I must then pick apart and counteract and conquer just to get to the place of starting the task. And completing the task is a different story all together. Really I am warring against my own personal nightmare antagonists. I should come up with a warrior name for myself - visualizing myself as a courageous and strong warrior adds a little sense of adventure to this whole situation. And whenever beset by my enemies I can dissappear into my sexy superhero outfit and fight them off with my warrior skills. Haha!
So we are still working on a plan. This plan will initiate a gentle introduction back into a healthy routine that continually keeps the balance and peace of my mind, body, and soul a solid priority. It must address all three of those things or it will fail. I intend to find a groove that can help me stay on track indefinitely. And I trust myself to make the decisions and take the actions that will get me to the right place.
-I AM DESERVING OF EVERYTHING I DESIRE
-I AM COMPLETELY ADORED BY THE DIVINE SOURCE OF LOVE
-I AM A POWERFUL, AND LOVING, UNIQUE, WISE AND JOYOUS SPIRIT THAT CAN NAVIGATE ALL CHALLENGES GIVEN TO ME
-I LOVE YOU
Ok, so I will visualize desired outcomes. Instead of criticising myself I will praise myself for every little good thing. I will let go of worry and simply focus on being kind and gentle. I will continue to guide myself back to experiencing each moment, each opportunity, each feeling without judgement or dishonesty - instead of trying to escape or change things - goal is to open and feel and experience mindfulness.
So my sister was really nice to come over last night and be with me... Force me to open up a little, although it was more like gentle persuasion. It was very nice. She says I put up walls, and that she loves me and is there for me and all I need to do is ask if I need help...among lots of other things I needed to hear - like we'll get through this... I'll feel better soon and she'll help me... It'll be ok. I guess it reminded me it's ok to hurt. And I do. I'll admit it straight up. Right now I'm hurting a lot for some reason. She's very right about the walls though. This is something I will have to get to the bottom of. What is that defense mechanism and why is it there? Why is it that when it gets too much for me I just shut down instead of going to someone like my sister for help or just a talk? Why do I feel like I have to hide how I feel, pretend like I'm fine, or isolate if I can't pretend... Why do I feel incapable of talking about how I feel? Maybe it's a trust thing... I don't want to trust anyone with that vulnerable hurting child or something. It really is an odd place to go. And scary. So that's something to think about. Anyway, thank you sister, for being patient as I convince myself to accept love from people, and for being consistent, helping me trust you.
Whatever... I will start with just today.
The plan:
- At least one flight of stairs (one flight done yeay!)
pushups/dips where I can
a walk or an hour of activity tonight - doable! Start slow and be loving and patient every step of the way!
-Bedtime at 1030pm. Meditate at 1015. start getting ready for bed at 10pm
-10 minute meditation
-Diet... Work on having a start time and a finish time. An end of the meal. Brush your teeth, walk or exercise, or have a lot of water to "top off".
- Water -Shoot for 3-4 liters (96-128 oz, 12-16 cups) of water per day. No less than 2 liters.
Ok. Now don't get scared. We are going to find a way to deal with the following:
NOW:
Traffic Ticket 7/31/09
Rent
Plane ticket home/drive?
Laundry/clothing situation
Dishes and sink
ASAP:
Dentist - just make an appt.
PSYCH - adjust dosage, refil
Docs appts
New or additional job
Move
Computers
We will tackle the most pressing items and develop a plan. Everything will be ok. That's all for now. Slow and easy, one thing at a time. And remember I love you. Wow. When I say that to myself it reminds me of Joe. Funny. I associate those words with him. And I can hear him saying them. It makes me feel like all that love I feel for him is magically turned back and given to me. And that's nice. Gives me a reference point. I sure do miss that friend of mine.
Time for another plan.
After being completely derailed for a total of almost 2 weeks, I feel as if I've gained 10 pounds of fat, lost 10 pounds of muscle, and grown down to a childs state, completely lost sight of my immediate future, my long term future, and what I can do to change it, degraded myself completely by not taking care of myself in the most basic of ways, i.e. brushing my teeth, drinking water, wearing clean clothes... I have allowed myself to hide by any and all possible means, closing blinds, watching movies, reading... Anything to spare me the horror of being by myself with myself in the middle of this mess that is my life... And the thought of slowly wittling away at this chunk of spew is something awful... Nauseating, crazifying, makes me feel like a demon or something. All right, so I have been self diagnosing and self correcting for years. It's time to go right ahead and do it again. I'm past the point of thinking there is one fix that will do me for life... Right? Not happening. What I accept is that I will continue to trip and fall and pick myself up for the entirety of my life. That's how it goes. And depending on my mentality it can be a beautiful thing. Right? right. (Reluctant capitulation).
SO what is actually going on here? I am FRIGHTENED by the reality of my life. Traffic Tickets. Money. Rent. Cleanliness. Clothes. Always fighting these URGES. Health. Friends and social life. Music... Am I wasting my time? School. Am I smart enough? Learning more. Doing more. Men. Why am I alone. Where is that one person who loved me. What the hell happened in that whole foggy 5 years? I'm supposed to BE someone. Not enough time. Not enough focus. I have to change jobs. I have to move. I have to find a roomate. I have to get a computer. A lot of it is money problems I think.
So in full support of the notion that people can change... meaning me - I CAN GET BETTER! I CAN IMPROVE. I CAN SUCCEED - I will now formulate a new plan. These plans rarely come to fruition, but it's not the plan itself that pulls me out of the despair, it's the little flame of hope I fan by making the plan.
So we're off. Lets start by saying (and believing)some affirmations. Ok well first lets find some appropriate ones.
Google search: How to love yourself.
Just got intercepted by live broadcast of the memorial service. Lucky Michael Jackson.
Loving myself can hold for a second.
Ok...
1. Love is a choice. Make the choice to love yourself: Learning to love yourself starts with making a conscious decision, an intention to become happy and lead a fulfilled life. Loving yourself is honoring your essence - your unique/eternal spirit.
2. Forgive yourself
3. Nurture yourself - find out what makes you feel good and do it
4. Stop Worrying
5. Trust yourself
6. Grow Spiritually
7. Make Positive affirmations each day. "I love and accept myself completely and unconditionally"; "I deserve to be happy and balanced in mind, body, spirit."
8. Be gentle and kind in changing the ways of your mind
9. Be loving to your negatives - acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need, and now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. Lovingly release the old patterns.
10. Look in the mirror in your eyes with love and say "I forgive myself for believing that I was not worthy of love."
Express gratitude for the person you are.
Ok. I will find and express fogiveness and love for myself. I will be patient with my slow progress. I will accept the imperfection of everything with love. I will nurture my spirituality.
Really it all comes down to love. That is the goal and the reason and the key and the door to freedom... And so that has to be my main focus.
THE PLAN:
I'm drawing blanks and shooting myself with them.
Simplicity is the key. And love.
This is where I'll start:
1. Diet (detox focus)
2. Prayer - meditation - Prioritize finding some time for this.
3. Exercise - I know what to do here... Don't make it harder than it is. Just do a little bit everyday.
4. Focus on Love and Gratitude, and Conciousness/Mindfulness... Experiencing and noting every tiny thing
NEXT DAY
Ok so now it's Wednesday 7/8. It is 8:42am. This morning I walked in almost 15 minutes late... And I know he'll round up... And Boss was right outside the elevator. Great. Thanks. Excellent. Now sitting with my coffee after having emptied the dishwasher I'm pretty much over it. When people say "MY coffee" rather than just "coffee" or "some coffee"... What does that mean? I'm making it mine... Exerting my control in having it... Exerting my posession of it, expressing a familiarity with having coffee, being cutsy... I don't know. It certainly sounds more cozy. Whatever. More on status. My stomach hurts. I've done it to myself with the smooth move tea and the late night indulging. So I'll accept the punishment. But I have to figure something out with that. I deserve to have control and balance in my eating habits. Simple as that. It's not a big deal. Don't make it a big deal. Whatever, anyway, the fact of being late has faded in with the myriad of other things I'm trying to "work through" today. No wonder things take such a long time for me. Because just to do something, or intending to do something sloughs up all sorts of "issues" and problem areas and logical fallacies and self criticism... That I must then pick apart and counteract and conquer just to get to the place of starting the task. And completing the task is a different story all together. Really I am warring against my own personal nightmare antagonists. I should come up with a warrior name for myself - visualizing myself as a courageous and strong warrior adds a little sense of adventure to this whole situation. And whenever beset by my enemies I can dissappear into my sexy superhero outfit and fight them off with my warrior skills. Haha!
So we are still working on a plan. This plan will initiate a gentle introduction back into a healthy routine that continually keeps the balance and peace of my mind, body, and soul a solid priority. It must address all three of those things or it will fail. I intend to find a groove that can help me stay on track indefinitely. And I trust myself to make the decisions and take the actions that will get me to the right place.
-I AM DESERVING OF EVERYTHING I DESIRE
-I AM COMPLETELY ADORED BY THE DIVINE SOURCE OF LOVE
-I AM A POWERFUL, AND LOVING, UNIQUE, WISE AND JOYOUS SPIRIT THAT CAN NAVIGATE ALL CHALLENGES GIVEN TO ME
-I LOVE YOU
Ok, so I will visualize desired outcomes. Instead of criticising myself I will praise myself for every little good thing. I will let go of worry and simply focus on being kind and gentle. I will continue to guide myself back to experiencing each moment, each opportunity, each feeling without judgement or dishonesty - instead of trying to escape or change things - goal is to open and feel and experience mindfulness.
So my sister was really nice to come over last night and be with me... Force me to open up a little, although it was more like gentle persuasion. It was very nice. She says I put up walls, and that she loves me and is there for me and all I need to do is ask if I need help...among lots of other things I needed to hear - like we'll get through this... I'll feel better soon and she'll help me... It'll be ok. I guess it reminded me it's ok to hurt. And I do. I'll admit it straight up. Right now I'm hurting a lot for some reason. She's very right about the walls though. This is something I will have to get to the bottom of. What is that defense mechanism and why is it there? Why is it that when it gets too much for me I just shut down instead of going to someone like my sister for help or just a talk? Why do I feel like I have to hide how I feel, pretend like I'm fine, or isolate if I can't pretend... Why do I feel incapable of talking about how I feel? Maybe it's a trust thing... I don't want to trust anyone with that vulnerable hurting child or something. It really is an odd place to go. And scary. So that's something to think about. Anyway, thank you sister, for being patient as I convince myself to accept love from people, and for being consistent, helping me trust you.
Whatever... I will start with just today.
The plan:
- At least one flight of stairs (one flight done yeay!)
pushups/dips where I can
a walk or an hour of activity tonight - doable! Start slow and be loving and patient every step of the way!
-Bedtime at 1030pm. Meditate at 1015. start getting ready for bed at 10pm
-10 minute meditation
-Diet... Work on having a start time and a finish time. An end of the meal. Brush your teeth, walk or exercise, or have a lot of water to "top off".
- Water -Shoot for 3-4 liters (96-128 oz, 12-16 cups) of water per day. No less than 2 liters.
Ok. Now don't get scared. We are going to find a way to deal with the following:
NOW:
Traffic Ticket 7/31/09
Rent
Plane ticket home/drive?
Laundry/clothing situation
Dishes and sink
ASAP:
Dentist - just make an appt.
PSYCH - adjust dosage, refil
Docs appts
New or additional job
Move
Computers
We will tackle the most pressing items and develop a plan. Everything will be ok. That's all for now. Slow and easy, one thing at a time. And remember I love you. Wow. When I say that to myself it reminds me of Joe. Funny. I associate those words with him. And I can hear him saying them. It makes me feel like all that love I feel for him is magically turned back and given to me. And that's nice. Gives me a reference point. I sure do miss that friend of mine.
Monday, July 6, 2009
sick day (used to be)
If you were here today
I'd call in sick
So I could spend it with you
Or waste it with you
Either way is fine
As long as it's with you
And I'd make you a peanut butter jelly sandwich.
Cus for some reason it always tastes better
When someone else makes it for you
And we could make time stop
For just a while
And pretend there is nothing chasing us
No tomorrow
No yesterday
Nothing ahead nothing behind
Only two little friends
With their heads snuggled up close
Sleeping the day away.
I'd call in sick
So I could spend it with you
Or waste it with you
Either way is fine
As long as it's with you
And I'd make you a peanut butter jelly sandwich.
Cus for some reason it always tastes better
When someone else makes it for you
And we could make time stop
For just a while
And pretend there is nothing chasing us
No tomorrow
No yesterday
Nothing ahead nothing behind
Only two little friends
With their heads snuggled up close
Sleeping the day away.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Libera Me
Forgive me for this self indulgent art...
funny how when i feel like shit, i try and express myself in any way that isn't self destructive, and inevitably i end up feeling guilty about feeling like shit. tomorrow i'll get up and do it all over again, and try to convince myself that it matters... so i say fuck it. maybe i'll find that number. maybe i won't. maybe i'll crash in a coma when i get home. maybe i'll decide to fight and drag myself outside to battle my demons amidst the concrete and the other zombies that wander around thinking they've got it or knowing they don't. because maybe i'd feel better if i saw the sun every once in a while. maybe maybe just one last time i could convince my brain, convince my body that nothing matters, everything's all right anyway. why is everything playing tricks on me? i just want to feel good for a moment. and after that moment i want it to last as long as it can. and instead i get to sit here swallowed up by stink and wine stained carpet fibers and evil cockroaches, forever alone and behind forever trying to catch up. sometimes i get a taste of freedom... i want more. i want to stop wanting. i want to dissappear.
and hey folks... just as a reminder... everything is going to be just fine just fine.
echoplex by nin
nice and high and far apart
just like they said
i built this place with broken parts
just like they said
you chip away the old version of you
you'd be surprised at what you can do
i'm safe in here
irrelevant
just like they said
my voice just echoes off these walls
you feel me breathe
i am watching you
i see it all
the many ways you can't get to me
i see it all
i see the hell you put yourself through
oh the things i could do (if i wanted to)
my voice just echoes off these walls
my voice just echoes off these walls
i don't need anything at all
my voice just echoes off these walls
and i just slowly fade away
you will never ever get to me in here
just like they said
i built this place with broken parts
just like they said
you chip away the old version of you
you'd be surprised at what you can do
i'm safe in here
irrelevant
just like they said
my voice just echoes off these walls
you feel me breathe
i am watching you
i see it all
the many ways you can't get to me
i see it all
i see the hell you put yourself through
oh the things i could do (if i wanted to)
my voice just echoes off these walls
my voice just echoes off these walls
i don't need anything at all
my voice just echoes off these walls
and i just slowly fade away
you will never ever get to me in here
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