I am muddling. Muddling is better than sinking. and as I fight through my day talking myself through the "whelms" (as in over or under- whelmed) and hoping no one will see me squirming over here trying to supress my crying spells, I am trying to envision myself a courageous warrior, never to give up or accept defeat and getting stronger with every step, and most of all surrounded all the time by a big white unconditional complete compassionate loving light like a hug that makes me impervious or at least strengthens me against the darkness of all these enemies and obstacles...
This seems to be helping. Although I still feel like I'm not getting anything done, but I am. I did a flight of stairs today. 10 pushups. I finished updating some contacts. GOOD GIRL. I'M PROUD OF YOU. We're supposed to praise ourselves for every little good thing that we do - it works a hundred times better to change ourselves than criticizing the bad stuff we do. So every little thing. Yes that's good. yes that's good. taking a sip of tea, yes that's good. making a UPS label, yes that's good. looking in the mirror without making a puke face at yourself, yes that's good. looking into your own eyes and say i forgive you, i love you, very good girl! and talking to coworker in a civil friendly manner, yes good girl. closing the email and wikipedia articles and song lyrics and news and focusing on only work for a while, yes very good! and so on.
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