Ok so do you remember the Hide and Seek song... I may have written about his before.
I don't care.
I remember sitting with you in the dark... listening to it for the first time. That is one of my most treasured memories. I remember your apartment on Exposition. A block away from where you were stabbed... accross the street from where I thought I heard a gunshot and felt compelled to go out and see if someone got hurt, and you followed me (cus you were the sweetest), and then it was nothing and then we got locked out of our apartment because we both ran out without the keys. Wow. That was a night. And of course we had ordered pizza that I was going to pay for, and my wallet was inside. So the pizza guy came and then... I can't remember if we got to eat it or not. I do remember that we decided to break in to our own place... through the window. A window that was covered with metal bars specifically designed to keep people OUT. And I said, oh we'll just bend the bars to squeeze through... but before checking if that would actually work, we broke the window. And of course it didn't work. We tried to use my belt to bend the bars, and my belt broke. Man were you frusterated. And boy did I feel stupid and lame and sorry for you... I said, never you fear mr... I'll run to campus and figure it all out. So I ran to campus... by myself. Didn't get mugged... found a pay phone. I'm not sure how that helped, but I think mom looked up a locksmith for me. Or I called someone else to look it up. then it was back there. I think a locksmith showed up and we got let in. and then I'm sure as we lost ourselves in eachother and a cloud of sweet smelling smoke everything
was
just
fine
more than fine.
wonderful.
break: is it a problem that I am painfully aware of what goes on in my peripheral vision. why the fuck can't I just focus on one thing? I don't know. Hey everybody. work is over. I don't have to do one more stitch of work... no sir I can do whatever the hell I want to. so there. just thought I'd announce that. Because yes I am still technically at work, but yeah it' snot working hours so I can if I want make a basil mojito that's basically is just basil and vodka.
And then there's send the pain below... which reminds me of a strong mr telling about lifting weights in high school... and maybe thats where you hurt your back. =( and working out in the usc gym that was some of my favorite times, and I loved your maxing face when you were working hard. Hey mr... I can actually do dips now and pull ups. you would be proud... but then that's kind of slowed these days because I can't get out of my head. And then in the gym we'd hear that megolomaniac song... and remember the music video for that one? I always liked that song. You were my favorite work out buddy. Were were were were were. HATE that word.
So a musical journey to the past... How am I supposed to not hold on to the past when these things remind me of you and I love my memories because it's all I have left of you except faith. hmmm.
so now I need another good one... ummmmm
Caroline, No.
Oh mr. I don't think I've listened to this with headphones. Rocks my world. It's so heartbreaking. And I see you singing that last part.... oh caroline, no... did you know that the percussion sound at the beginning was made by the drummer Hal Blane using an empty Coke bottle. And I think you told me it was originally called Carole, I know. I love it mr. and then a train comes rolling by.... Could we ever bring them back once they had gone.... oh caroline no! Very tender mr. And you had the perfect falsetto voice for that part too. for that whole song. I don't think anyone be me ever got to hear how beautiful your voice was. was was was was . I hate that word. But it was beautiful.
I only get to write until the reflection from the sun makes it impossible to hear I mean see the computer.
I feel like I'm eating cat food spaghetti. It's all right. Chef Boyardee. hey I'll pretty much eat anything.
ok... I closed the blinds. Thing is... I'm tips now. I'm numbed sufficiently. I'm at that place where if I start thinking about you I'll go off the deep end. Is that your secret? I WANT TO KNOW!!!!! Did you just get fucking wasted and pull the trigger? I know you weren't smoking that whole week. I can't think about this. NO No NO. but I can see if you were drinking a whole bunch to just be like... fuck it. I can do it. I can do that one thing,. Because you don't really have to think about the future, about consequences when you're anesthetized. I want to see it. I want to see you. I hate seeing blue honda crvs. I hate remembering listening to this song... speeding cars, in it... listening to your voice give me your opinion on it... holding your hand - it's fucking hard this letting go shit. I don't like it. I feel you here in me all the time. It's enough all this is enough for me to just throw up my hands, make a martini and writie some songs. Fuck everything. Nothing matters. I can't even make you the special basil mojito drink my broham showed me. and I can't even show you what I've been writing lately. whatever. that's fine. whats not quite right now... whats slowing me up maybe is the past... all those years. back to hide and seek...
that room on 28th street... such wonderful beautiful times with you. I love that spot. I'm so tempted to go back and ask Daryl if I can live there again. silly. That is definitley not healthy. I fucking love Imogen Heap's voice. I think just a tiny bit more VK. Yeah... and then home and a song or two. and charging my phone. Yeah... so my other picture of this song... i wanted to listen to it a million times in a row... something you totally understand...(wuv!)... yeah and I went and sat in the blue dish chair we got from target and I put the speakers up real close to my ears super surround sound mr and listened to all of it... and made up my harmonies... and you came over and kissed me, and you had that cute smile. geez. oh mr. I feel like you're still here.
god. I want to live back then. I'm a lost scared girl.
I love you.
Yeah... so I remember that. I remember the curtains in the window, and our bed in the corner. And I remember you. and me. struggling to figure out our spinning worlds and confusions and love and passion and dreams... and loving eachother, and not knowing how to handle life. God. What a mess. And you're gone my friend. Here but gone. I am here. I am here. I am here. Here I am. Am I here? Sigh big time. I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. Is it horrible that I just want to go back back back in time. please. and I can't. Oh mr. What drug can I do to make me dream about you?
whatever.
your breath is in my ears
you music in my soul
your heart in my heart
Look at this art friend... what do you think they're singing about?
All games they play
Undead and awake and returning within
You are a devil, they say and its candy
How long Ive known this seed burst and grown
Youre the one that I love
You are the one that I trust, and its candy
When they speak of the open door
And the way youve flown its fine
When they show me the evidence
And theyre talking down your memory
Nevermind the words they waste
They cant see youre mine
Waiting here until words run out
Dreaming of the day when you
Open your arms in the light of our love...
I have to go... talking to my lil sis. gotta go home play a song and go to bed. hopefully I'll dream of you.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
another girl with father issues... how fucking original
I like my dad when he's drunk. Or a little bit tipsy. I think he does too. Maybe he likes to be a dad when he's tipsy...
I try to have compassion. I know he has not had great examples in fatherhood - poor guy. He was somehow able to be strong and at least go make something of himself. But he's not able to pass on how he was able to do that. Now he has plenty of money. Is he happy? I don't know. I as his daughter am not priveleged to know these things. Nor am I privileged to disclose to him that I am struggling. To ask for help. He looks down on me for "being like my mother". In my right mind I can't resent him... Because I know what kinda shit he went through. But in my wrong mind I resent him like crazy. Why? Because I wish I could talk to somebody. I wish he would man up and say, don't worry honey, you'll be just fine. Here's what you need to do A. B. C. I'm fucking 26 and I'm worry about this? What kind of screw up am I? Whatever I'm trying not to judge myself on my father's terms. But it's like, damn I could use some fucking help here and I can't even tell you what I'm struggling with. I can't even tell you honestly what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling. I have to put on some act like I got it together. I really am feeling so fucking hopeless I can't stand it. All I want is a way out. I'm thinking up all these ways of escape. And also knowing that it's probably not going to work out. And everybody wants me to get it together and answer my phone. Well geez. Joe didn't budge a bit. Oh Joe. I wish we coulda switched places. You kinow, like maybe just make the decision that this life isn't really working out for me, I'm going to move on to the next one. Whatever. I've gotta pull myself out of this on my own. That's the only answer.
I want to stop eating all together. Waaaaaaste away.
Wipe the slate clean. Start from nothing. Nothing matters. One way or another it doesn't really matter.
And I'm supposed to be focusing on faith hope love in that order.
Have some faith girl, it might help you.
But I can't I'm too tired. And too worried. I can't handle this life.
Well you're gonna handle it.
I gotta find some other way to live.
I try to have compassion. I know he has not had great examples in fatherhood - poor guy. He was somehow able to be strong and at least go make something of himself. But he's not able to pass on how he was able to do that. Now he has plenty of money. Is he happy? I don't know. I as his daughter am not priveleged to know these things. Nor am I privileged to disclose to him that I am struggling. To ask for help. He looks down on me for "being like my mother". In my right mind I can't resent him... Because I know what kinda shit he went through. But in my wrong mind I resent him like crazy. Why? Because I wish I could talk to somebody. I wish he would man up and say, don't worry honey, you'll be just fine. Here's what you need to do A. B. C. I'm fucking 26 and I'm worry about this? What kind of screw up am I? Whatever I'm trying not to judge myself on my father's terms. But it's like, damn I could use some fucking help here and I can't even tell you what I'm struggling with. I can't even tell you honestly what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling. I have to put on some act like I got it together. I really am feeling so fucking hopeless I can't stand it. All I want is a way out. I'm thinking up all these ways of escape. And also knowing that it's probably not going to work out. And everybody wants me to get it together and answer my phone. Well geez. Joe didn't budge a bit. Oh Joe. I wish we coulda switched places. You kinow, like maybe just make the decision that this life isn't really working out for me, I'm going to move on to the next one. Whatever. I've gotta pull myself out of this on my own. That's the only answer.
I want to stop eating all together. Waaaaaaste away.
Wipe the slate clean. Start from nothing. Nothing matters. One way or another it doesn't really matter.
And I'm supposed to be focusing on faith hope love in that order.
Have some faith girl, it might help you.
But I can't I'm too tired. And too worried. I can't handle this life.
Well you're gonna handle it.
I gotta find some other way to live.
Monday, August 17, 2009
I wanna show you this song
Hey..
Just cus I miss you so darn bad, thought I'd say hey.
Ummm mr don't know if you ever listened to Band of Horses... But theres this song. I like it. This would be the sort of song I'd come home and say hey mr listen to this one. Tell me everything. Tell me what you think. Like it? And you might like it or might not... I could never pick out your tastes, but you'd at least always talk to me about it. You'd listen to me say oh I like this guitar riff here, or this harmony in the chord progression, see listen.... Or something like that - and if you liked it I'd feel happy that I picked out a song you liked. You always had the coolest tastes. But anyway... I like this song. Way simple and amateur so then the emphasis is on the melody... You might say, ummm well it's a little repetitive in the guitar part... I don't know. I just like the chorus part... The "no one... Is ever gonna love you more than I do" part. And that pretty cute little part at the end in the geetar. Anyway, I don't know if you know how much easier that would make by day, to know I could go home and show you all the tunes I was listening to at this place this under my fingernails nerve grating place, in the chaos and confusion of my life where I just want to be a good girl, and it just seems like I can't, and I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I could go home and get a squeeze from a friend who understands. It would make everything just make a little bit more sense. And I don't know if I even valued it enough when you were here. Silly me. What am I missing out on now while I'm hiding trying to figure out what I can do to make it back to unconscious sleep... Maybe this antidepressant will work, maybe this workout will do the trick, maybe this plan will, oh fuck it - I can't get away - I like myself a lot more with a little vodka in my system... Oh mr. today will be a hard day. I am trying... Trying to be at peace, trying to see the truth, trying to love... It's just hard. I guess it's not supposed to be easy to keep yourself together. I wish you were here friend. I know you are, just in a different sort of way, and I just wish I didn't feel so lost, flailing around - I know where the truth is, but how am I supposed to stay there, I have to take care of all this stuff... Oh well. I'll be strong. Part of the reason why is cus of you. Cus I hear your voice in my head telling me, you can do it, you're a strong girl. So thanks friend.
It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was
But no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
And anything to make you smile
It is a better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one
and no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.
Do anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
Don't ever want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way
And no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
no one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard
Just cus I miss you so darn bad, thought I'd say hey.
Ummm mr don't know if you ever listened to Band of Horses... But theres this song. I like it. This would be the sort of song I'd come home and say hey mr listen to this one. Tell me everything. Tell me what you think. Like it? And you might like it or might not... I could never pick out your tastes, but you'd at least always talk to me about it. You'd listen to me say oh I like this guitar riff here, or this harmony in the chord progression, see listen.... Or something like that - and if you liked it I'd feel happy that I picked out a song you liked. You always had the coolest tastes. But anyway... I like this song. Way simple and amateur so then the emphasis is on the melody... You might say, ummm well it's a little repetitive in the guitar part... I don't know. I just like the chorus part... The "no one... Is ever gonna love you more than I do" part. And that pretty cute little part at the end in the geetar. Anyway, I don't know if you know how much easier that would make by day, to know I could go home and show you all the tunes I was listening to at this place this under my fingernails nerve grating place, in the chaos and confusion of my life where I just want to be a good girl, and it just seems like I can't, and I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I could go home and get a squeeze from a friend who understands. It would make everything just make a little bit more sense. And I don't know if I even valued it enough when you were here. Silly me. What am I missing out on now while I'm hiding trying to figure out what I can do to make it back to unconscious sleep... Maybe this antidepressant will work, maybe this workout will do the trick, maybe this plan will, oh fuck it - I can't get away - I like myself a lot more with a little vodka in my system... Oh mr. today will be a hard day. I am trying... Trying to be at peace, trying to see the truth, trying to love... It's just hard. I guess it's not supposed to be easy to keep yourself together. I wish you were here friend. I know you are, just in a different sort of way, and I just wish I didn't feel so lost, flailing around - I know where the truth is, but how am I supposed to stay there, I have to take care of all this stuff... Oh well. I'll be strong. Part of the reason why is cus of you. Cus I hear your voice in my head telling me, you can do it, you're a strong girl. So thanks friend.
It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was
But no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
And anything to make you smile
It is a better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one
and no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.
Do anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
Don't ever want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way
And no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
no one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
ok i get it sort of
Not feeling sorry for myself:
It's more about not indulging those painful overwhelming emotions. This is a very subtle thing. How do you feel them and accept them within yourself without over indulging them. Tricky. I shall try. So feeling pain is ok. but going over the top and sinking into a non-functional pity party is not ok. I don't know how much of this is controllable, but probably more than is immediately apparent to me.
All this stress:
I forgot that I am here, alive, in the world, and that simply by being I'm serving my purpose. There is this engrained idea in my head that I have to BE something, I have to DO all these things, and I have to look a certain way and I have to be smart (learned) and beautiful (according to everones different standards, and really good at everything from any sport to soduku and blah blah blah... that's a lot of pressure. Makes time feel to short. Means I can't really be living my life until I'm all up on everything. That's difficult when I'm scratching together enough money to buy new tennis shoes or a performance outfit and barely able to have enough for a load of laundry and gas. and my full time job sucks away all my time. and I'm struggling with the death of my best friend still. So I went to a yin yoga class last night that was so beautiful... a crazy journey in my racing and distractible head that is so riddled with negativity. An hour and a half went by I was still grappling with myself and struggling to not dissolve into self hatred... letting go and grabbing on, back and forth back and forth for the whole class. And it's not like I was enlightened at the end of it, but I continued to stand up to myself, to try to calm myself, to slow down, to find some love inside me, to find God... I felt so lost. And back and forth... i couldn't find me. I couldn't find God, I felt distant and removed from everything... but what I did find by the end, was some faith. Some faith that even if I can't feel it, God loves me. God holds me and everything else. This was such a relief. I envisioned God as my mother comforting me, and just opened up my heart with all the stress and pain and despair, hoplessness, guilt, love, etc.
Joe:
As I saw myself in the presence of my Divine Mother, seeking and longing to be swallowed by love and nurturing and comforting, I began to feel a closeness of an amazing calming soothing presence, and I thought I should try to let go of some of the overwhelming feelings about Joe I've been having. Because I miss him so much it's been almost unbearable. I know I'm not the only one who has lost someone. It's just that I don't understand how anyone does it. I just didn't have enough time with him. I just can't conveive of my future or my identity anymore, and everything seem so confusing. And I would give anything just to feel close to him again. That together with all the regret about, he would of been ok if this, and I coulda helped him figure things out if that, and what if what if... still? I made it past the one year mark. Still? how long is this going to take? How can a bear a lifetime of this kind of pain? Ok, so as I was sitting in the lap of this giant comforting mother, feeling some kind of strange peace, I felt from her, It's ok to feel all these things. It's ok. Don't be afraid. And I relinquished, I surrendered, and that felt better - the pain is still there, but it's ok to feel the pain. I don't have to run from it or be all better. and then as I allowed myself to feel everything withouth the fear it was kind of like a peaceful pain, a kind of pain that made me smile, and I said to God, divine mother - I don't know where he is, I lost him and I have all this love and I can't find Joe to give it to him, and I don't want him to be hurting. and she opened her arms and showed me that Joe was right there with her, see he's here with me too. and then I felt flooded with relief again because then I knew he was all right, and that I can find Joe with God in peace, and I was smiling at him, but just a few tears were falling, slow calm tears, and I looked at Joe, who was more of a voice and a heart that my heart recognized knew so well, and he reached out his hand to touch mine and a beautiful warm light was coming from him and his hand, and love was written all over his face and he smiled back, and said quietly, hey girl. and then I just stayed there for a moment in a peaceful beautiful space being held in the arms of God and resting together with my dearest friend being surrounded by love. Pretty soon I started to feel a little anxious that I was going to have to start moving again and go back to conciousness in the normal world, and I really just wanted to stay there, but then I knew that space is always there. And I have so much more peace knowing where to find Joe, and having faith that love is there - that there is divinity so much bigger than myself and my short little life span... that is the source of life. There is a source to go to.
ok, so faith leads to peace and love.
So as I left the studio at aroun 10:15 I walked back to the car garage, but I didn't want to get into the car and go home. I wanted to linger with these thoughts and the letting go and the memory of finally connecting with him. So I walked back. It was slightly windy, but warm. The full moon was shining so bright, I could see all the darker blue amidst the shining silver. It was beautiful. I just wanted to hear the sound of the waves. I walked accross to the beach slowly, remembering, smiling, breathing. And I sat there at the water listening... waves are so stereo, they go back and forth horizontally, split in the middle and surround you left and right, and then come back to crash into eachother in the center... I love the beach at night. The sand feels cool. The water looks like a black rolling mountain except on the edge where the foam of the waves shine... especially if there is a lot of moonlight. And I whispered my gratitude for everything. Thank you.
So that was where I realized, I don't have to work so hard. It's ridiculous. I just have to be, and seek love, seek the truth. So now, I try desperately to remember that.
I don't know how much of this stuff is "in my head" but I do believe in God, as a concept, as in something bigger than myself, as in a source of love. And I know that what I saw in my mind last night was the most comforting illuminating experience I've ever had, so it's worth so much regardless of what it is. and it felt real to me. I know in meditation they tell you to value highly any visions that are seen. and I do.
My intentions to get up at 5am and go buy coffee for the office were not realized. This threatened to derail me. But I'm holding on to peace. And of course feeling close to my mr. Now I just need to find a way to learn more. I think I need a teacher.
on to the rest of the day. love. peace. humility. faith.
It's more about not indulging those painful overwhelming emotions. This is a very subtle thing. How do you feel them and accept them within yourself without over indulging them. Tricky. I shall try. So feeling pain is ok. but going over the top and sinking into a non-functional pity party is not ok. I don't know how much of this is controllable, but probably more than is immediately apparent to me.
All this stress:
I forgot that I am here, alive, in the world, and that simply by being I'm serving my purpose. There is this engrained idea in my head that I have to BE something, I have to DO all these things, and I have to look a certain way and I have to be smart (learned) and beautiful (according to everones different standards, and really good at everything from any sport to soduku and blah blah blah... that's a lot of pressure. Makes time feel to short. Means I can't really be living my life until I'm all up on everything. That's difficult when I'm scratching together enough money to buy new tennis shoes or a performance outfit and barely able to have enough for a load of laundry and gas. and my full time job sucks away all my time. and I'm struggling with the death of my best friend still. So I went to a yin yoga class last night that was so beautiful... a crazy journey in my racing and distractible head that is so riddled with negativity. An hour and a half went by I was still grappling with myself and struggling to not dissolve into self hatred... letting go and grabbing on, back and forth back and forth for the whole class. And it's not like I was enlightened at the end of it, but I continued to stand up to myself, to try to calm myself, to slow down, to find some love inside me, to find God... I felt so lost. And back and forth... i couldn't find me. I couldn't find God, I felt distant and removed from everything... but what I did find by the end, was some faith. Some faith that even if I can't feel it, God loves me. God holds me and everything else. This was such a relief. I envisioned God as my mother comforting me, and just opened up my heart with all the stress and pain and despair, hoplessness, guilt, love, etc.
Joe:
As I saw myself in the presence of my Divine Mother, seeking and longing to be swallowed by love and nurturing and comforting, I began to feel a closeness of an amazing calming soothing presence, and I thought I should try to let go of some of the overwhelming feelings about Joe I've been having. Because I miss him so much it's been almost unbearable. I know I'm not the only one who has lost someone. It's just that I don't understand how anyone does it. I just didn't have enough time with him. I just can't conveive of my future or my identity anymore, and everything seem so confusing. And I would give anything just to feel close to him again. That together with all the regret about, he would of been ok if this, and I coulda helped him figure things out if that, and what if what if... still? I made it past the one year mark. Still? how long is this going to take? How can a bear a lifetime of this kind of pain? Ok, so as I was sitting in the lap of this giant comforting mother, feeling some kind of strange peace, I felt from her, It's ok to feel all these things. It's ok. Don't be afraid. And I relinquished, I surrendered, and that felt better - the pain is still there, but it's ok to feel the pain. I don't have to run from it or be all better. and then as I allowed myself to feel everything withouth the fear it was kind of like a peaceful pain, a kind of pain that made me smile, and I said to God, divine mother - I don't know where he is, I lost him and I have all this love and I can't find Joe to give it to him, and I don't want him to be hurting. and she opened her arms and showed me that Joe was right there with her, see he's here with me too. and then I felt flooded with relief again because then I knew he was all right, and that I can find Joe with God in peace, and I was smiling at him, but just a few tears were falling, slow calm tears, and I looked at Joe, who was more of a voice and a heart that my heart recognized knew so well, and he reached out his hand to touch mine and a beautiful warm light was coming from him and his hand, and love was written all over his face and he smiled back, and said quietly, hey girl. and then I just stayed there for a moment in a peaceful beautiful space being held in the arms of God and resting together with my dearest friend being surrounded by love. Pretty soon I started to feel a little anxious that I was going to have to start moving again and go back to conciousness in the normal world, and I really just wanted to stay there, but then I knew that space is always there. And I have so much more peace knowing where to find Joe, and having faith that love is there - that there is divinity so much bigger than myself and my short little life span... that is the source of life. There is a source to go to.
ok, so faith leads to peace and love.
So as I left the studio at aroun 10:15 I walked back to the car garage, but I didn't want to get into the car and go home. I wanted to linger with these thoughts and the letting go and the memory of finally connecting with him. So I walked back. It was slightly windy, but warm. The full moon was shining so bright, I could see all the darker blue amidst the shining silver. It was beautiful. I just wanted to hear the sound of the waves. I walked accross to the beach slowly, remembering, smiling, breathing. And I sat there at the water listening... waves are so stereo, they go back and forth horizontally, split in the middle and surround you left and right, and then come back to crash into eachother in the center... I love the beach at night. The sand feels cool. The water looks like a black rolling mountain except on the edge where the foam of the waves shine... especially if there is a lot of moonlight. And I whispered my gratitude for everything. Thank you.
So that was where I realized, I don't have to work so hard. It's ridiculous. I just have to be, and seek love, seek the truth. So now, I try desperately to remember that.
I don't know how much of this stuff is "in my head" but I do believe in God, as a concept, as in something bigger than myself, as in a source of love. And I know that what I saw in my mind last night was the most comforting illuminating experience I've ever had, so it's worth so much regardless of what it is. and it felt real to me. I know in meditation they tell you to value highly any visions that are seen. and I do.
My intentions to get up at 5am and go buy coffee for the office were not realized. This threatened to derail me. But I'm holding on to peace. And of course feeling close to my mr. Now I just need to find a way to learn more. I think I need a teacher.
on to the rest of the day. love. peace. humility. faith.
Monday, August 3, 2009
beautiful
I don't belong here
everything is too salty
I don't want to see my father.
why not?
I'm not good enough.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
ok. stupid bitch. stop feeling sorry for myourself. weakass baby.
see? better isn't it?
oh yes. I never saw that before. it never occured to me. this whole time i've been needlessly suffering all because I was pitying myself. brilliant.
and now what do you feel?
now I just want to shoot myself in the head?
see? better isn't it?
much better.
now go eat a bucket of shit.
ok! yeay. this is fun.
isn't it? life is the best. shit. buckets. what more could you ask for.
well I don't know, maybe a friend to eat with. but that might be too much to ask for.
yeah. and anyway he might just shoot himself in the head and leave you with your head burried in shit.
yeah. it's probably best this way.
you're not feeling sorry for yourself are you?
no, not at all. I love this. I love this empty meaningless job. I love never ever living up to my potential. I love overdraft fees. I love failure to appear court notices. I love hearing about Julia Hawkinsons personal deficiencies and how fast her kids are growing until I swallow my own vomit. I love the sound of miss peppy indian fashion model in the corner being happy and an incessantly ringing phone. I LOVE being alone and misunderstood and communicating poorly and fucking weekly safety tips and wanting someone to fucking crash into my car headlong so i don't have to fucking see my own face in the mirror anymore. I LOVE IT. I love never feeling sorry for myself but just slapping myself in the face a couple times and screaming at the world in the elevator. I love constant dissappointment. I love emptiness. I love huge huge huge mistakes mistakes mistakes that cause you to lose to lose to lose to lose the one person you could trust. it's b3eautiful. beautiful. I love it all. and the good thing is it's all a big joke. it's funny see?
well i don't know about that. i don't find anything very funny.
well that's because your a fucking blind ass prick with fucking i'm better than you up your perfumed ass hole.
oh. well hey. you're better now right?
yep. all better. I feel fantastic.
good because... SURPRISE!!! you're on candid camera! ok just kidding you're not really but you are on stage and everyone is watching you! yeay! haha. now THAT's funny. look at her blush and not know what to do with her hands. I'm gonna go take a dump. I feel like I have perot's head in my ass.
ok. I'm going to strip and fart in everyone's stupid stuck up faces. and then I'm going to pretend.
what else is new.
life is grand.
the end.
everything is too salty
I don't want to see my father.
why not?
I'm not good enough.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
ok. stupid bitch. stop feeling sorry for myourself. weakass baby.
see? better isn't it?
oh yes. I never saw that before. it never occured to me. this whole time i've been needlessly suffering all because I was pitying myself. brilliant.
and now what do you feel?
now I just want to shoot myself in the head?
see? better isn't it?
much better.
now go eat a bucket of shit.
ok! yeay. this is fun.
isn't it? life is the best. shit. buckets. what more could you ask for.
well I don't know, maybe a friend to eat with. but that might be too much to ask for.
yeah. and anyway he might just shoot himself in the head and leave you with your head burried in shit.
yeah. it's probably best this way.
you're not feeling sorry for yourself are you?
no, not at all. I love this. I love this empty meaningless job. I love never ever living up to my potential. I love overdraft fees. I love failure to appear court notices. I love hearing about Julia Hawkinsons personal deficiencies and how fast her kids are growing until I swallow my own vomit. I love the sound of miss peppy indian fashion model in the corner being happy and an incessantly ringing phone. I LOVE being alone and misunderstood and communicating poorly and fucking weekly safety tips and wanting someone to fucking crash into my car headlong so i don't have to fucking see my own face in the mirror anymore. I LOVE IT. I love never feeling sorry for myself but just slapping myself in the face a couple times and screaming at the world in the elevator. I love constant dissappointment. I love emptiness. I love huge huge huge mistakes mistakes mistakes that cause you to lose to lose to lose to lose the one person you could trust. it's b3eautiful. beautiful. I love it all. and the good thing is it's all a big joke. it's funny see?
well i don't know about that. i don't find anything very funny.
well that's because your a fucking blind ass prick with fucking i'm better than you up your perfumed ass hole.
oh. well hey. you're better now right?
yep. all better. I feel fantastic.
good because... SURPRISE!!! you're on candid camera! ok just kidding you're not really but you are on stage and everyone is watching you! yeay! haha. now THAT's funny. look at her blush and not know what to do with her hands. I'm gonna go take a dump. I feel like I have perot's head in my ass.
ok. I'm going to strip and fart in everyone's stupid stuck up faces. and then I'm going to pretend.
what else is new.
life is grand.
the end.
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