Hide and Seek

Ok so do you remember the Hide and Seek song... I may have written about his before.

I don't care.

I remember sitting with you in the dark... listening to it for the first time. That is one of my most treasured memories. I remember your apartment on Exposition. A block away from where you were stabbed... accross the street from where I thought I heard a gunshot and felt compelled to go out and see if someone got hurt, and you followed me (cus you were the sweetest), and then it was nothing and then we got locked out of our apartment because we both ran out without the keys. Wow. That was a night. And of course we had ordered pizza that I was going to pay for, and my wallet was inside. So the pizza guy came and then... I can't remember if we got to eat it or not. I do remember that we decided to break in to our own place... through the window. A window that was covered with metal bars specifically designed to keep people OUT. And I said, oh we'll just bend the bars to squeeze through... but before checking if that would actually work, we broke the window. And of course it didn't work. We tried to use my belt to bend the bars, and my belt broke. Man were you frusterated. And boy did I feel stupid and lame and sorry for you... I said, never you fear mr... I'll run to campus and figure it all out. So I ran to campus... by myself. Didn't get mugged... found a pay phone. I'm not sure how that helped, but I think mom looked up a locksmith for me. Or I called someone else to look it up. then it was back there. I think a locksmith showed up and we got let in. and then I'm sure as we lost ourselves in eachother and a cloud of sweet smelling smoke everything
was
just
fine
more than fine.
wonderful.

break: is it a problem that I am painfully aware of what goes on in my peripheral vision. why the fuck can't I just focus on one thing? I don't know. Hey everybody. work is over. I don't have to do one more stitch of work... no sir I can do whatever the hell I want to. so there. just thought I'd announce that. Because yes I am still technically at work, but yeah it' snot working hours so I can if I want make a basil mojito that's basically is just basil and vodka.

And then there's send the pain below... which reminds me of a strong mr telling about lifting weights in high school... and maybe thats where you hurt your back. =( and working out in the usc gym that was some of my favorite times, and I loved your maxing face when you were working hard. Hey mr... I can actually do dips now and pull ups. you would be proud... but then that's kind of slowed these days because I can't get out of my head. And then in the gym we'd hear that megolomaniac song... and remember the music video for that one? I always liked that song. You were my favorite work out buddy. Were were were were were. HATE that word.

So a musical journey to the past... How am I supposed to not hold on to the past when these things remind me of you and I love my memories because it's all I have left of you except faith. hmmm.

so now I need another good one... ummmmm

Caroline, No.

Oh mr. I don't think I've listened to this with headphones. Rocks my world. It's so heartbreaking. And I see you singing that last part.... oh caroline, no... did you know that the percussion sound at the beginning was made by the drummer Hal Blane using an empty Coke bottle. And I think you told me it was originally called Carole, I know. I love it mr. and then a train comes rolling by.... Could we ever bring them back once they had gone.... oh caroline no! Very tender mr. And you had the perfect falsetto voice for that part too. for that whole song. I don't think anyone be me ever got to hear how beautiful your voice was. was was was was . I hate that word. But it was beautiful.

I only get to write until the reflection from the sun makes it impossible to hear I mean see the computer.

I feel like I'm eating cat food spaghetti. It's all right. Chef Boyardee. hey I'll pretty much eat anything.

ok... I closed the blinds. Thing is... I'm tips now. I'm numbed sufficiently. I'm at that place where if I start thinking about you I'll go off the deep end. Is that your secret? I WANT TO KNOW!!!!! Did you just get fucking wasted and pull the trigger? I know you weren't smoking that whole week. I can't think about this. NO No NO. but I can see if you were drinking a whole bunch to just be like... fuck it. I can do it. I can do that one thing,. Because you don't really have to think about the future, about consequences when you're anesthetized. I want to see it. I want to see you. I hate seeing blue honda crvs. I hate remembering listening to this song... speeding cars, in it... listening to your voice give me your opinion on it... holding your hand - it's fucking hard this letting go shit. I don't like it. I feel you here in me all the time. It's enough all this is enough for me to just throw up my hands, make a martini and writie some songs. Fuck everything. Nothing matters. I can't even make you the special basil mojito drink my broham showed me. and I can't even show you what I've been writing lately. whatever. that's fine. whats not quite right now... whats slowing me up maybe is the past... all those years. back to hide and seek...

that room on 28th street... such wonderful beautiful times with you. I love that spot. I'm so tempted to go back and ask Daryl if I can live there again. silly. That is definitley not healthy. I fucking love Imogen Heap's voice. I think just a tiny bit more VK. Yeah... and then home and a song or two. and charging my phone. Yeah... so my other picture of this song... i wanted to listen to it a million times in a row... something you totally understand...(wuv!)... yeah and I went and sat in the blue dish chair we got from target and I put the speakers up real close to my ears super surround sound mr and listened to all of it... and made up my harmonies... and you came over and kissed me, and you had that cute smile. geez. oh mr. I feel like you're still here.

god. I want to live back then. I'm a lost scared girl.

I love you.

Yeah... so I remember that. I remember the curtains in the window, and our bed in the corner. And I remember you. and me. struggling to figure out our spinning worlds and confusions and love and passion and dreams... and loving eachother, and not knowing how to handle life. God. What a mess. And you're gone my friend. Here but gone. I am here. I am here. I am here. Here I am. Am I here? Sigh big time. I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. Is it horrible that I just want to go back back back in time. please. and I can't. Oh mr. What drug can I do to make me dream about you?

whatever.

your breath is in my ears
you music in my soul
your heart in my heart

Look at this art friend... what do you think they're singing about?

All games they play
Undead and awake and returning within
You are a devil, they say and its candy
How long Ive known this seed burst and grown
Youre the one that I love
You are the one that I trust, and its candy

When they speak of the open door
And the way youve flown its fine
When they show me the evidence
And theyre talking down your memory
Nevermind the words they waste
They cant see youre mine
Waiting here until words run out
Dreaming of the day when you
Open your arms in the light of our love...


I have to go... talking to my lil sis. gotta go home play a song and go to bed. hopefully I'll dream of you.