Freedom

Freedom looks different from here.

Freedom is nothingness
Freedom is the ocean
when you finally reach it
and put your hands on either side
of your face to block the periphery
so there is nothing
nothing but sky and sea

Freedom is quiet solitary choice
Freedom is the old man
shuffling slowly down the sidewalk
looking to the west
clutching a blanket that will gain value
as the days fill the months
and he begins to see his shallow white breath at night
and the smiles he has from time to time
are never stolen
they never make it past the tangles of his dull gray beard

Healing

"When we are training in the art of peace, we are not given any promises that, because of our noble intentions, everything will be okay. In fact, there are no promises of fruition at all. Instead, we are encouraged to simply look deeply at joy and sorrow, at laughing and crying, at hoping and fearing, at all that lives and dies. We learn that what truly heals is gratitude and tenderness".

-Pema Chodron

nine eleven

success in that the work day is almost over

I'm just about at that place...

where i resign myself to turn away from the night

commit to another chapter.

ugh. I resist the thought but I want to give things a good ol college try.

have to say at least 50% of that desire is just not wanting to let people down.

I kind of just want to sing and dance the years away all life long. is there anything wrong with that?

give me a couple ounces and i'll let it all go

all of it

it's friday folks

i'm out of here

alone

alone
so alone
it's just a feeling
i'll take a loan on better days
how many times
have i been here before
...

that's all i can remember of that song.

I feel horrible right now. If I'm going to be honest. That's how I feel.
Horrible.
Alone.
Confused.
Pretend pretend.
I just don't know if I care enough. Nothing is what it seems.
I want to be good. but I can't.
I don't even have a claim to you anymore. So many people loved you. Not just me. I love you a lot. Not enough. The most? Did you like my love the most? It doesn't matter. Fact is, here I am. Alone. I'm just me. I'm nothing. Nothing is ok. I guess.

I just don't really care. Honestly. I want to just blow up and out and down and cry and truly show how I feel but I can't. I have to pretend. I don't know if I can live here. It's an act. It's a decision. Do I really have to make that decision. I want to stay other. Like mr. I want to be with him. and even that is unreliable. The best I could get isn't enough. Nothing is enough. Somebody help me... love help me find my way back to you... I want to love. I want to be good.

if you cry i'll throw my arms around you and my tears will mingle with yours
and i'll contain your shaking and hold you until the calm comes
close your eyes
when you wake it will be better
it will be better
just listen
to my voice
hmmmm
i
love
you

be kind please rewind

in my mind
the bloody knife
i hate the way i look in pictures
it's time to go it's time to go
even your death is disorganized
ceasing to be
the only order untouched by
unreliable variability
death. final. ending. complete. comprehensive. beautiful.
what am i writing about?
if he had never met me,
if i had never met him,
would we still be breathing
dust and ashes
in and out
check the expiration on that
don't wanna get sick
that thought has been in there for months i think
oh whatever
just be positive, it's probably fine
i'll take this moment to say
i warned you
thanks everyone
but i just can't stay
this way
it will never be like it was
too heavy all around
i'll touch base when i hit the ground

Charcoal

Come with me
It’s much quieter
Over here
Wrapped up tight and empty
And seeing clear through the illusion
Of life
And we can sink together
You near to me and I to you
Sinking deep, deep into her love
And rest

I’ve got an empty bed upon which I rest my tired bones
I’ve got a sleepy field upon which I like to roam
Come on little friend, come on little friend, my world is wide open

I want to go to a wide open world with you
It’s been too long
One time I went to sleep
Oceanswept I slept and dreamt of sad songs
And while I slept
You left a kiss on my cheek
I didn’t know
But now you’re gone I feel it there
Still right on my cheek
Kissing away
And now I dream of you

Come on little friend
We can sink together
You near to me and I to you
Sinking deep, deep into her love
And rest

wednesday

Stitches or no stiches.

Ok. The cut on my knee is still oozing a little bit of blood. It's been almost 34 hours. I know that's not a good sign. It's a good gash. I miss my mr. I don't want to go to the hospital... Partly because it will cost money, partly because I would have to leave work and that would be a hastle. I've always kind of liked scars. Not Kind of. Really. They have a story to tell to me. This can be a reminder of this experience, of my stupidity, of my triumphing over yet another hurdle. HOPEFULLY A LESSON LEARNED. I'm fine with another scar. Benefits of stitches would be the attention, legitimate evidence of the accident... Pity me feel sorry for me. Anyway... I attempted to squueeeeze it shut under a bandage, but I know as soon as I start moving it will come undone. It's weird - it doesn't hurt. Maybe nerves around the knee area are built to sustain more injury or something. I don't know. But whatever. I don't think I have it in me to go to the hospital, plus it would be urgent care and that SUCKS. And I just read anything over 12 hours old won't be stitched. Who knows if this internet info is reliable but I'll believe it. So fuck it. Here comes another beautiful keloid. Damn. Whatever. This isn't me anyway... I'm just stuck inside this old hunk of bones(in the words of my best friend). Oh mr. I think maybe I need to eat something. I feel a little loopy doop.

I really hope these racing thoughts stop... I can't do anything. Ummm how many hours of sleep did I get last night? Hmmm.

she's done it again folks... amazing

Yeah you've really done it this time. you have a highly abnormal abnormally high capacity for trouble. catastrophe capacity. Just call me CC.

Ok. Completely emotionally detached and objective.

Options:
1. Gunshot to the head
2. Mitigation: money money money try and fix the car try and fix their car, hope no one sues me for injuries then there's the red light bull shit ticket failure to appear money money can't afford sell my self prostitution 30 dollars for 20 minutes 60 dollars for 50 minutes
3. disappear. Find my passport and leave the country.
4. why can't I just let it all go and give it all up? Why why why why.

I hate this feeling. All too familiar. Regret. Remorse. An ache to reverse time and just have things back the way they were. There are several interesting aspects to this predicament and my perspective on it. The overriding one is that my situation couldn't possibly be worse. I mean before the accident. Now it’s a worser worst. But really at a certain point there's no where to go in terms of pain and turmoil. The pain - psychological, emotional, physical pain from losing Joe is like a constant companion... By my side in every situation. There isn't anything that can take that away, and there isn't anything that can top it. I've racked my brain. I've been through over and over again that whole long drawn out questioning and what ifs and if onlys and pleading to go back and have another chance and wanting to erase erase... So here it is again on a smaller scale. If only I had gone slower. If only I had gone home earlier. If only I hadn't decided to make that last stop. What was I thinking? Is it because of the medication? What if someone (besides me) had been killed? Why couldn't I have been killed. Would have made this thing so much easier for me. How fucking selfish of you Hil how can you think that? Your poor family. Look at all the crap they have to put up with because you're alive, and your death would only make it 100x worse. Stuck. You're stuck here. You just have to face it all with the limited resources you have and go through it and somehow magically figure out how you are supposed to live... Other people seem to have found a way to be happy without damaging themselves or their property or jeopardizing the safety of others... I feel so embarrassed of myself. That's why I would never tell my dad. Yes dad. That's me. Another car accident. They're just getting worse and worse. It's because I'm a girl isn't it? It's because I'm so much like my mother isn't it? I'm a good driver. But I'm a horrible driver. I suck basically. I have to say I'm trying. I'm trying to fix myself. Hence medication that might be helping, but apparently impairs my... Excuses. There's not even anybody I can make it up to. No one I can apologize to. Myself? It's not like anything I can say to the other driver will help him. And I tried and he seemed unwilling to accept. It does no good to be sorry. To feel sorry. Ok so back to emotionless objectivity...

Further influencing my perspective is my financial situation. I was already dead broke teeter tottering on a rock floating in the lava slowly melting melting... Waiting for a new rock to float by so I can jump before I melt. I haven't made rent on time for the past 5,6 months... I've gotten used to that ooh I don't know if I have enough in my account to cover this - oh well scenario. And also the waiting till the next paycheck procrastination. So the fact that I now am paying 35 bucks a day for a rental and have many hundreds that I will have to pay to even begin to resolve things, it's just one more thing... My car might not make it out alive from this craziness, and where will that leave me? I don't know. The bus. Carpools. Exploiting my relationships because I need something. Like a ride. Anyway... The excrement cake was already there, this is just icing. It doesn't really feel that different from before except for my headache. My sorriness. My longing for a hug - someone strong that can tell me I am too. The gash in my knee and yet another crossroads. Because if I was going to do it this would be a good time - a good excuse to check out. I'm off! But that's so fucking weak I hate myself for just thinking it. What a freakin baby. You laid the tracks yourself and now you wanna get off the train? That is LAME. I have no respect for that. But then again do I really have a whole lot of respect left at all? Not really. I guess right now my desire to escape is overidden by my desire to redeem myself. Hey world, I'm sticking around. I'll do my best to right my wrongs, even though it seems hopeless at the moment... But I'll make up for it somehow. That's one side of me anyway. I suppose I could look at the series of events in the past couple of years and see it as a losing streak... A string of failures... Or I could look at things as really tough challenges that somehow I've made it through.. So far. I've gotten this far. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that I won't be able to change and be that good person. Scared that I've really screwed up - that I can't handle my life. I just make a mess of everything. I'm good at a lot of things, but I'm not the most competent life-liver. Frustrating. I want to start over.

But I remember I am completely emotionally detached and rational right now. Yes I am. So I could throw up my hands and cry... But perhaps it's better to just act. Just do what I have to do. Don't think. Don't feel. Just do the right thing. So what is the objective? Somehow managing rehearsals/performances etc. This means planning transportation. Working out things with the insurance company. Should I go to the doctor? I probably have a minor concussion which is why I was so shaken up after the accident, and couldn't remember events after it. But I don't have a whole lot of time for the doctor. Ugh. Objective! Transportation. To the tune of the ringing in my ears plus 35 dollars a day. OK. That’s where borrowing money comes in. My poor mom giving me part of her inheritance and I don't even know when I can pay it back. Gotta find some cash. How can I do that? I think probably selling everything I can part with.

This is ridiculous. This is my chance. My chance to relive it all. Yes. It's my fault. At Fault Am I. I'm sorry everyone. I am numb and motionless inside... I am stuck inside me somewhere. This is me walking around at work trying to look busy. This is me answering the phone. This is me trying to feel trying to see the future. The future where I will make good choices, maybe get good driver status and live beneath my means, where I will be calm and consistent and where I will have lots of love in my life and give of my good to the world. Where is the future? It's nice to think of the future as being a place rather than a time. It makes it seem like I can GO there. It is very very far away. I can make it. I make a good endurance athlete. The important part is to just keep going. Eventually you get there.

I feel weird. And it doesn't really matter. I don't want to be me. I just want to be absorbed into the energy of everyone and the world... Be part of it but not an individual. I just don't have a good success rate. And I think I would do better without a body. Just to be a soul flitting around. Sigh. Oh goodness. I guess there's no harm in planning my escape route in the unlikely event of DISASTER.

Tip-toe tight rope walker on the fine line
Leaning side to side between
Potential and waste
Fighting fatigue
Yearning for
A bell to ring
And punctuate the ending
Some fanfare, applause
Good job next performer
But the show must go on
Take your shoes off
Take a breath
Make a wish
It's gonna be a while


doo doo doo dee doo

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here