Things I wanna tell you

So there' a friend I'm very fond of that always used to love hearing my stories... when I'd get all excited and stuff.

So of course when I have something so fun and blissful and beautiful and I want to share it... well there's another moment when I feel your absence so acutely. It kind of stings. It kind of throbs. I kind of want to curl into a ball close all around it and just scream and moan and weep... but I know I am supposed to open up to it instead of closing up - you know, accept it, allow it, experience each ache. I find that I am so ready to find some kind of distraction... like pinching yourself to take your mind off of your real pain. Or Something. Anyway, each time I open instead of closing or running away, it hurts (of course) and takes a long time to get back to normal - to get back to my life as it is. I can't really be around people... and floods of memories come up and it's launching into that whole dialogue that I've been through so many times over and over again. And I guess I just hope that all this is somehow going to help me get better? I don't know... most of those times I feel like I don't even want to (get better that is) - I only want you to come back. That's why I'm kind of afraid to move forward because maybe somewhere in my silly heart I feel like you'll get further and further away... maybe I still harbor some kind of weird dillusion that you can come back... I know that can't happen in my head, but my heart doesn't feel that way... is that the "bargaining" people talk about? I don't know.

I was going to leave work and go practice in the parking garage... an hour and a half ago. I was only going to write down what I intended to talk about, but here I am actually talking about it. I really feel like I don't have time to deal with these feelings... I have to go do things and keep living and stuff. I already decided I'm gonna do that so there's no use rationalizing potential alternatives just because all of a sudden I can't keep the pain at bay. And then it's like FINE- go ahead, charge at me, run me down, I'm not even going to try and hold it off anymore. And then what next?

See it's so annoying, when you encounter something you can't stand- a situation absolutely deplorable- and there's nothing you can do to change it. I think up until now there have been lots of things that I've gotten frustrated with because I couldn't change them, but always eventually I convinced myself that I could accept those things. Not so with is. I guess sometimes... oh yeah it's just the up and down rollercoaster.

I went to a training session for this camp called Comfort Zone... (http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/) that is a camp for kids who are grieving the death of someone close to them. I so believe in this camp. Anyone interested in volunteering or supporting it in some way should. Anyway, just talking about death in a group) all of whom either experienced a painful loss or who just had a desire to help those who had) was pretty amazing. I maybe should have found more of a support group before... it was nice to not be alone... and I could see it in their eyes unlike the experience I've had on online groups, where it's just typing and digital smiley faces and cyber-hugs. Anyway... that feeling was beautiful and I know I could help a kid trying to survive this kind of pain... and maybe that would help me to find meaning in all of this.

Anyway that and singing the Verdi Requiem with the LA Phil this weekend, both things just made me miss you like crazy. If only you could have been there or if I could have told you all about it. It was amazing. It was tremendous. So many things reminded me of you and there were all sorts of parts I knew you would have liked and you could have given me your impression of Verdi and really babe there's nobody like you... so that's just gone, because I can't have that conversation with anyone. It's really sad. On the way home from Saturday's performance, I needed gas and I happened to be near USC and you were so strong on my mind, so I decided to revisit that gas station. That AM/PM where it all went down. It's kind of like a dream in my head - last stop of the night, going home to our spot together, sleep to look forward too, and then someone tries to mug me, and me screaming and running from them, and you getting out of the car to help me, and of course the next thing seeing your blood dripping profusely all over the parking lot - realizing you had been stabbed, calling 911, them taking forever, cops almost mocking us as they callously took our statement and decided almost immediately that there was no use looking for suspects... and then the hospital and the smell of morphine, and your poor arm and you being lost in a wierd tunnel of muted pain... and staying close to you all night to try and give you an anchor. I loved you so much then. You were so strong.

I think it's good to you know, confront these places and memories every once in a while... I'm trying to NOT be self-indulgent, but how the heck would I differentiate anyway. Whatever it's all up to me I suppose, and I felt like I wanted to go there because of you... I just remember the courage you had that night, your calmness, your ability to handle that scary situation that I still can't really comprehend. And I remember the fear that came on you after you started to heal, and how going to that gas station or certain areas would freak you out and your arm would start hurting. So anyway, I stopped at the same gas pump. I got out and set up everything to fill up... and walked the parking lot. I was looking for you because I'm so silly. Whatever it's me I don't have to have an opinion on how my head and heart go through this... but I was looking for your blood. Of course this is four years later, of course I'm not going to be able to find any drops... any evidence of that night. I'm sorry babe, but that was crazy. That was a crazy experience and both of us were probably affected in so many ways we didn't realize... and we were so ill equipped to process it and lacking good resources to help us. And everyone just said "you guys should get some after trauma counseling" and we were like groan, especially you, and I just thought I was brave enough to handle it. Right. And then fear and anger was always a couple thoughts away...

anyway, mr., mr man... I went there. I missed you more. I grieved for that night and what happened to you and all the hurt that followed. And I admired you - I just missed everything about you. And of course opened to those feelings of guilt and sorryness - i'm so sorry i'm so sorry... and it does nothing. And that's it.

There's no real resolution to this story, because it's not over. It never will be, and I will never fully understand. Sad. These are all feelings and thoughts and I needn't try to change them or label them as good or bad. They just are. It's a part of me - part of who I am now. So then I just have to turn the ship back into the wind and continue braving the storm and continue to hope.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you all about the concerts. They were so cool mr. And a million other things I think and feel but just can't seem to articulate right now.

I've gotta go or it's going to be tomorrow before I get anything done.