I know it feels like you're going crazy... but that's all in your head.
But isn't my head where crazy comes from? I mean... hello. It is all in my head, and that's exactly the problem.
Well this isn't really crazy. It's more like succumbing. I dislike myself for my inability to jump straight to proactive positivity, optimism, accomplishing something amazing.
You really need to lower your standards. You are accomplishing amazing things. Like managing to not follow the footsteps to the shadows to the dense nowhere to the vast nothing on the other side... You are somehow still here, and happy sometimes, and energetic sometimes, and if it weren't for just wanting so much, and wanting to be so much, you would be averagely above average. Whatever. That's not really whats on my mind.
Well spit it out then.
I'm trying. Maybe I don't really know all the words to articulate the complexity of what I feel.
Maybe it's not necessary to articulate it.
Well how can I understand it if I can't articulate it?
HMMMM. I guess just be more like an animal. You know, when a horse goes blind, or when a dog gets arthritis or a bad hip or something... even if it was because of some other being's action or lack therof, they don't feel all sorts of feelings about it. They definitely don't blog for hours about it. They don't feel sorry for themselves, or have to go to therapy to get over their resentment issues. Emily told me that. Of course they want to feel better, but they don't feel sad for their own pain. They may experience post-traumatic stress or whatever or have fear and stuff. I guess plenty of dogs have had to go to Cesar Milans dog rehab center for fear issues or whatever. I don't know.
Yeah, well I was in the elevator today with the fedex guy, and I was thinking about how we're people but we're really just animals. He has a body, I have a body. These body things have the same functions, some of them smelly, some of them annoying, some of them stigmatized... that just seems so silly when you realize you are just an animal. The only difference is intelligence manifested in the ability to speak - to articulate or think our thoughts in words rather than instinctualized actions. (that and the debated existence of a soul). So why would I let a thing like language seperate me from my nature as just another organism so much that I experience fear and shame and self loathing, jealousy, anger, and the entire spectrum of wierd feelings to the point where I battle unwillingness to live? It's ridiculous. Why can't I be content simply to live? You would never see a wild animal jumping off a cliff because it thought, 'oh i'm never going to be able to take down that gazelle, or even if I do, I'm not gonna be able to take down as many as that big tiger in the next territory. My kids are going to hate me for not being to get as much meat... and I'll never be the king of the jungle, and anyway, this is too hard, i just don't feel like it.... etc'. Of course you also wouldn't find that tiger worrying about rent, and making money, and feeling frusterated because it can't afford to let the wild spirit inside them run free to do what it yearns to do... you also wouldn't find it longing for a friend that the wild dogs took down two years ago - entertaining the idea of finding the pack in the hopes of seeing that little friend again... and feeling incapable of handling all these intricacies of living life without him. And being utterly defeated - knocked down by the confusion, the dead end, the sudden drop off, and feeling so hurt so hurt so hurt that you would leave me this way... woah I guess I got a little distracted there...
Yeah you did. Wanna bring it back? You always say you can't leave a conversation until all the little tangents and digressions are brought back... full circle right?
Yeah I do. Skyscraper I love you... Time for a new EQ. I guess all I'm trying to say is: 1) Im just an animal with a heart and a brain and speech - so that interaction with the rest of my species is made necessary. It's a lot more simple to think of things that way... and screw it if I have to fart in the elevator. I don't care if someone else has to. If I were a dog I'd take a dump where I wanted to when I wanted... regardless if someone was there or not. Anyway... takes some of the pressure off to know I'm just like a little cub or foal or kid or pup or chick (well I am a chick and a kid - haha mr) that was born without asking to into the life and place I was and here I am... 2)For some reason I feel driven to sit here after work, spending precious and much needed time writing, delving, sifting, tossing, ruminating, trying to spell this all out. If I were to just go home I think I would just try to distract myself and I'd never get anyywhere... Even with the looming nebulous non-conclusion that will be more like a beautiful burnout I will have gotten somewhere. Most likely will just go keep living I guess. 3) um, there was a three... I think it's that, I can only do what I can do. I need to acknowledge that i'm doing my best, and just keep trying to get better. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe sometimes I just feel like I'm giving in to the pain and sitting in it not getting any better, but really I think the truth is that the pain is there. I have to feel it to get through it. Of course it's kind of debilitating. Do you have any idea how exhausting and time consuming it is to grieve?
I can imagine.
It's so hard. I tell him all the time - mr it hurts. and I still have episodes of the screaming why why whys and the I wish it had been me, and feeling like nothing is as important to me - NOTHING is more important than seeing you again and talking to you and asking you a million questions to figure out what happened and to say I'm sorry and to tell all the things - try and make things right, try and find understanding, and help you... you didn't have to be alone. AAAGH it's so fucking frustrating. How am I supposed to take harsh shaking feelings like this and coral them into something positive? I'm angry at life for dealing this hand to me. I'm angry that I am denied your companionship. I'm angry that I have to meet all these challenges and you don't now. I'm angry that now I have to sift through our entire 5 year relationship and all the things that happened, and work through it all alone - all by myself. It's not fair. And I just have to guess at your perspective now - I have to be you AND me in the conversation. Retarded. It's just so stupid. So needless. Oh maybe you saw it this way, or maybe you thought this or that... and really since it ended in your intentional death it's hard to keep holding on tight to a positive result - you know, not give in to the guilt and the heavy darkness that's always close at my heels. So whatever, I can do it. I will. But can I just for a second say that this really sucks?
Yes you can. It does. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
these tears i've cried
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm floating in the darkness
well i can't believe that i would kep keep you from flying
and i would cry 1000 more if that's what it takes to sail you home
sail you home
sail you home
i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you
over silbury hill through the solar field
you know that i wil follow you
and if i find you will you still remember
playing at trains or does this little blue ball just fade away
over silbury hill through the solar field y
ou know that i will follow you
i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you
these tears i've cried
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if i'm floating in the darkness
well i can't believe that i would kep keep you from flying
and i will cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes to sail you home
sail you home
sail you home
Thank you tori amos.
Yeah, well thanks. It's nice sometimes to be given permission to grieve. I love my friend rebecca because she always says it's ok... of course thoughts about Joe are always coming up, memories of phrases, jokes, little cute things he would do.... and I automatically talk about it, but I'm used to shutting up around certain members of my family, because it seems to make them uncomfortable. I wonder if they are internally rolling their eyes. So my comments are always followed by an inwardly or audibly spoken "I'm sorry". But beautiful Rebecca always listens and encourages it. She always says, "it's ok, you can talk about him. tell me". I'm so glad I have her. And she tells me it's ok to talk about him in the present tense when sometimes I do by accident. So lately sometimes when I just feel so sad and there's nowhere to go and nothing to do I end up in front of the mirror being two people... my eyes burning with so much pain and sorrow and need for comfort, and my own eyes looking right back at me with love and acceptance and compassion... compassion that is also crying. I'm crying both because of and for my pain. It's nice. It usually helps. It tells me this is ok. You have a real reason to feel sad and this is real. All of this is real. It's ok. Feel it - go through it... and when there's no one to tell me there is love and support and 'we'll make it through this together' it's a relief to find I can do it for myself sort of. Or really. It's comforting to look into my own eyes. I see myself - find myself - gets rid of the sometimes bewildering detachment/isolation I feel - like I'm not really part of the world and I'm an alien or something.
That's good Hil. I would like to say while I have the chance, I'm proud of you. Just for being here. I love Joe. Joe loves you. I love you. That's kind of how it works I guess. This is actually pretty good therapy I think... as long as I/you don't develop a split personality. I don't think we can survive any more fracturing.
I don't know... I feel like nothing could be harder than this... if I get through this I think I could take anything... and knowing my life so far, I will have to. haha. that was a wry laugh.
Take heart my friend. All is full of love. You just have to trust it. (per Bjork)
You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it
Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at
Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love
All around you
So here we are, at the anticlimax. A plateau amidst the constantly climbing or falling emotional landscape. I'll take it. Time to rest for a while.
Here it is almost 7... i need to study music like mad. I'm not feeling very well. At least I feel better inside. I guess I wrote myself out.
off to home. and kitty. and the piano. sigh.
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