All the words to this song
old
and also young
for someone else to hear and sing your
truth along
not right but
not completely wrong
always at least either
never neither
often each
this session will end in 3 fucking minutes
stream of consciousness. yeah mine is about the same rate as this piece of crap computer. i am grateful i am grateful
what battle am i fighting right now
don't even know
i guess fear is most defining over-arching
theme
don't know why i would be
not really afraid
just alone
where is all the love
see how can I fucking concentrate with a red blinking light in my face and
weakness
whatever
oh well
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
11/14/2010
I can't see her apart from my eyes
The organ played an old friend to a song
In a long forgotten language of
Obsolete order
Absolute ardor
You would have heard it all
It was all ok, but glorious.
It was enough.
It was fullness,
looking for you.
Are
we
found
here?
The organ played an old friend to a song
In a long forgotten language of
Obsolete order
Absolute ardor
You would have heard it all
It was all ok, but glorious.
It was enough.
It was fullness,
looking for you.
Are
we
found
here?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Fictio
Why was I made this way?
Michelle looked at the reflection of herself from every possible angle, simultaneously constructing hypotheses and analyzing them from every angle. Any way she looked at it, things felt off somehow. Awkward. Wrong maybe? Perhaps arbitrary, fact is there she was in a somewhere and sometime, trying to figure out what kind of somebody she should be.
"It's a mystery", she thought with resignation and a shrug of her strong, almost masculine shoulders, and with that she turned away from the mirror and began to remove her clothes. When she was completely naked she sat down in the middle of the floor, hugging her knees and pondering the next burdensome question that had overshadowed her thoughts. "Am I ok? Is it ok to be me, this way?", she thought gently rocking back and forth. "It's obvious to me that there's a million things wrong with me, and there are so many people that probably wish I was perfecter in a lot of aspects, and I always try so hard to figure out what those aspects are and be what they want - cus that would be the best way to love them right? give them what they need.. or want? I guess I all the trying has turned out so many versions of me Michelle 1.0,1.3,2.3,and Michelle 7.0, that I really have no clue whats at the core of me. I mean what function am I supposed to perform? I mean what type of computer program am I? And what if it's lame? Ewwwww... scary...".
Michelle shut her eyes shut tight, as hard as she could, trying to imagine that she was invisible, or somehow undefined, existing only as the questions in her head and her passion for coloring rocks. Or the way she liked to capture all the littlest pretty things like a pretty blue piece of glass or a leaf in the shape of a heart, or the luminous fairy backside of a mother of pearl, and tuck it in her pocket to take it along like a little friend come to keep her company through the day. It always happened that somewhere later on down the line she would come across such a find, and spend some time thinking about why that wilted bendy leaf had been so dear to her, but it didn't matter because it still reminded her of love. "It's like getting a surprise present from yourself that you didn't even know about!", she said. Then she opened her eyes and immediately ten questions popped into her head:
xxxxxx
Man things are easier when you close your eyes and turn yourself into an idea...
RANDOM POETRY LOST AND FOUND
draft one: 1/?/10 draft two: 10/22
Nobody can hide from you
That one you know you are
Nobody can steal away your sway
or take the way you walk
so swagger like you when you can't break
through the face of time
As doubts arise and double vision blurs the line
Stand by you put your tag on
the molecules and let life follow
you to become you invented by
awake and refined by make
and no one can take it from you.
4/30
Like a
grassy covered
empty lot
in a crowded city
graffiti colors offsetting
the natural
a deep breath
and let the next
moment
pass
Michelle looked at the reflection of herself from every possible angle, simultaneously constructing hypotheses and analyzing them from every angle. Any way she looked at it, things felt off somehow. Awkward. Wrong maybe? Perhaps arbitrary, fact is there she was in a somewhere and sometime, trying to figure out what kind of somebody she should be.
"It's a mystery", she thought with resignation and a shrug of her strong, almost masculine shoulders, and with that she turned away from the mirror and began to remove her clothes. When she was completely naked she sat down in the middle of the floor, hugging her knees and pondering the next burdensome question that had overshadowed her thoughts. "Am I ok? Is it ok to be me, this way?", she thought gently rocking back and forth. "It's obvious to me that there's a million things wrong with me, and there are so many people that probably wish I was perfecter in a lot of aspects, and I always try so hard to figure out what those aspects are and be what they want - cus that would be the best way to love them right? give them what they need.. or want? I guess I all the trying has turned out so many versions of me Michelle 1.0,1.3,2.3,and Michelle 7.0, that I really have no clue whats at the core of me. I mean what function am I supposed to perform? I mean what type of computer program am I? And what if it's lame? Ewwwww... scary...".
Michelle shut her eyes shut tight, as hard as she could, trying to imagine that she was invisible, or somehow undefined, existing only as the questions in her head and her passion for coloring rocks. Or the way she liked to capture all the littlest pretty things like a pretty blue piece of glass or a leaf in the shape of a heart, or the luminous fairy backside of a mother of pearl, and tuck it in her pocket to take it along like a little friend come to keep her company through the day. It always happened that somewhere later on down the line she would come across such a find, and spend some time thinking about why that wilted bendy leaf had been so dear to her, but it didn't matter because it still reminded her of love. "It's like getting a surprise present from yourself that you didn't even know about!", she said. Then she opened her eyes and immediately ten questions popped into her head:
xxxxxx
Man things are easier when you close your eyes and turn yourself into an idea...
RANDOM POETRY LOST AND FOUND
draft one: 1/?/10 draft two: 10/22
Nobody can hide from you
That one you know you are
Nobody can steal away your sway
or take the way you walk
so swagger like you when you can't break
through the face of time
As doubts arise and double vision blurs the line
Stand by you put your tag on
the molecules and let life follow
you to become you invented by
awake and refined by make
and no one can take it from you.
4/30
Like a
grassy covered
empty lot
in a crowded city
graffiti colors offsetting
the natural
a deep breath
and let the next
moment
pass
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
dreams
Natalie awoke to a half-lit overcast dawn sky and the sound of her boyfriend, Will, coming to bed. She opened her eyes wider and coughed, "what time is it?", she asked. "oh, um, six o'clock". He said it as if he was reluctant to tell her the truth. She let a puff of air out in a sort of incredulous or sardonic laugh and turned back over. As he lay his head next to her she could smell alcohol in his sweat and his breath. She could tell he was tired. She tried to put her finger on why she felt annoyed, but couldn't figure it out and, realizing that she missed him and longed to feel him hold her close, she reached over and took his arm, pulling it around her. As she faded back into the realm of dreams she half-debated with herself that she may as well get up if its six already, get an early start on the day... The impulse was all too easy to ignore.
Suddenly she was in her childhood home. Her siblings were there, her father was making something in the kitchen. Vaguely aware that she was dreaming she thought, this is odd, we are here as if it were 15 years ago, but still our old ages of the present. Mom and dad are 60, dad vibrant and youthful, mom staggering with every painful arthritic step. - But something was different. She looked closer at her mother to see a protruding belly that could only represent a pregnancy. Her mother doubled over in pain. "It's coming," she said, "I need to lie down". Oh my God, mom's in labor. at 60 years old?. Without even a blink of the eye or any kind of recognition of her pain or condition, Natalie's father continued on with his meal while she escorted her mother to the bedroom to lie down. As her mother growned in pain she heard her father put on some rock n' roll and turn the volume up. "Jesus, everyone in the neighborhood could hear that. Doesn't he care that mom needs help?".
She tried massaging her mom's back to no avail. She ran a bath for her hoping the warm water would relax her muscles. This is ridiculous. Why am I dreaming this? She finally went into the kitchen to confront her father about his callousness. Her plea was met only with disdain, and when she pushed harder, incredulous that he appeared to enjoy her pain she got a sharp slap in the face. He now thought of her as being on the enemy side. She knew she would have to help her mother alone. It did nothing but increase her anger, and she stared filled with contempt towards him, before walking out of the room. Her mom was doing no better, convinced now that she needed to get to a hospital quick. Natalie somehow knew that she would deliver a dead baby. Frustrated at her helplessness to make anything work or fix anything she looked up at the ceiling, feeling the acute pain and nothingness of being completely alone. And then, she woke up.
It was lighter outside. What time is it now? The boys are still passed out. I'm going to get up. She walked into the kitchen. Her mind still on her dream she half-heartedly started throwing away the beer cans that littered the counters. The majority of them had been barely touched. She saved those ones, putting them in the fridge for later as she wondered at the forgetfulness of the guys. "Why would they forget about the beer they were drinking and just open up a new one..." she murmured to herself. "ridiculous". She made some coffee and pulled the ice cream out of the freezer, thinking about her dream while she ate a few bites. Geez. Talk about disturbing. I really do have a hard time forgiving my father. The way he treated mom makes me feel worthless somehow. Maybe I will go back to bed. It's only noon. I've got time.
Suddenly she was in her childhood home. Her siblings were there, her father was making something in the kitchen. Vaguely aware that she was dreaming she thought, this is odd, we are here as if it were 15 years ago, but still our old ages of the present. Mom and dad are 60, dad vibrant and youthful, mom staggering with every painful arthritic step. - But something was different. She looked closer at her mother to see a protruding belly that could only represent a pregnancy. Her mother doubled over in pain. "It's coming," she said, "I need to lie down". Oh my God, mom's in labor. at 60 years old?. Without even a blink of the eye or any kind of recognition of her pain or condition, Natalie's father continued on with his meal while she escorted her mother to the bedroom to lie down. As her mother growned in pain she heard her father put on some rock n' roll and turn the volume up. "Jesus, everyone in the neighborhood could hear that. Doesn't he care that mom needs help?".
She tried massaging her mom's back to no avail. She ran a bath for her hoping the warm water would relax her muscles. This is ridiculous. Why am I dreaming this? She finally went into the kitchen to confront her father about his callousness. Her plea was met only with disdain, and when she pushed harder, incredulous that he appeared to enjoy her pain she got a sharp slap in the face. He now thought of her as being on the enemy side. She knew she would have to help her mother alone. It did nothing but increase her anger, and she stared filled with contempt towards him, before walking out of the room. Her mom was doing no better, convinced now that she needed to get to a hospital quick. Natalie somehow knew that she would deliver a dead baby. Frustrated at her helplessness to make anything work or fix anything she looked up at the ceiling, feeling the acute pain and nothingness of being completely alone. And then, she woke up.
It was lighter outside. What time is it now? The boys are still passed out. I'm going to get up. She walked into the kitchen. Her mind still on her dream she half-heartedly started throwing away the beer cans that littered the counters. The majority of them had been barely touched. She saved those ones, putting them in the fridge for later as she wondered at the forgetfulness of the guys. "Why would they forget about the beer they were drinking and just open up a new one..." she murmured to herself. "ridiculous". She made some coffee and pulled the ice cream out of the freezer, thinking about her dream while she ate a few bites. Geez. Talk about disturbing. I really do have a hard time forgiving my father. The way he treated mom makes me feel worthless somehow. Maybe I will go back to bed. It's only noon. I've got time.
Monday, September 20, 2010
ideal suicide, the
shelley asked where the household axe was, only to be told there wasn't one. "fine", she said, "where the fuck is the carving knife?". She already knew where it was.
in the kitchen. She without thinking chopped off her left hand at the mid wrist. Bleeding profusely she walked outside to the outdoor patio towards the back alley, stopping to hoist herself up and in to one of the four dumpsters surrounding her. Pausing to take in the smell of rotting food, piss, and car exhaust, she looked up to the sky and listened for a while, taking in the sound of distant sirens, the crying child at the far end of the apartment complex, and the homeless man in the alley spouting hatred and angst at himself and the silence that was his only confidante. Somewhat conscious of the fact that her last thought would be that she sympathized with that old rancid man, and that he was the only one that perhaps knew how she felt, she eased herself into the bulging garbage bags, took her truncated left appendage, still dripping blood, and, slightly light-headed, scooped up an ant that was crawling up her leg. She then focused on the carving knife still in her right hand, admiring how the blade reflected the moonlight. "wow, moon's almost full", she thought. She then without a sound or hesitance place he edge of the knife against her throat, pressed deep into the skin, and pulled it swiftly across her neck, severing her carotid artery. As she felt life oozing out of her in strong meaty pulses in sync with the slowing rhythm of her heart, she focused on the ant, still crawling up her left arm and the ranting of the lost soul in the alley way; and contemplated how she left part of herself behind, her left wrist and hand, in the apartment. "I guess it's a sort of apology", she thought. "haha, I hope they get it, but, knowing me, i mean knowing them they probably wont. life is funny, funny like a joke, or just funny like wierd, but either way, mine is over. finally. goodbye world. goodbye ant on my arm. goodbye moon. goodbye garbage. goodbye blood. goodbye struggle...goodbye...good..." as she lost consciousness, she welcomed the nothingness, the abyss, the letting go, and then, it was over.
They wouldn't find her until garbage day.
in the kitchen. She without thinking chopped off her left hand at the mid wrist. Bleeding profusely she walked outside to the outdoor patio towards the back alley, stopping to hoist herself up and in to one of the four dumpsters surrounding her. Pausing to take in the smell of rotting food, piss, and car exhaust, she looked up to the sky and listened for a while, taking in the sound of distant sirens, the crying child at the far end of the apartment complex, and the homeless man in the alley spouting hatred and angst at himself and the silence that was his only confidante. Somewhat conscious of the fact that her last thought would be that she sympathized with that old rancid man, and that he was the only one that perhaps knew how she felt, she eased herself into the bulging garbage bags, took her truncated left appendage, still dripping blood, and, slightly light-headed, scooped up an ant that was crawling up her leg. She then focused on the carving knife still in her right hand, admiring how the blade reflected the moonlight. "wow, moon's almost full", she thought. She then without a sound or hesitance place he edge of the knife against her throat, pressed deep into the skin, and pulled it swiftly across her neck, severing her carotid artery. As she felt life oozing out of her in strong meaty pulses in sync with the slowing rhythm of her heart, she focused on the ant, still crawling up her left arm and the ranting of the lost soul in the alley way; and contemplated how she left part of herself behind, her left wrist and hand, in the apartment. "I guess it's a sort of apology", she thought. "haha, I hope they get it, but, knowing me, i mean knowing them they probably wont. life is funny, funny like a joke, or just funny like wierd, but either way, mine is over. finally. goodbye world. goodbye ant on my arm. goodbye moon. goodbye garbage. goodbye blood. goodbye struggle...goodbye...good..." as she lost consciousness, she welcomed the nothingness, the abyss, the letting go, and then, it was over.
They wouldn't find her until garbage day.
not a whole lot to work with
negative balances in all accounts
over the limit credit balances
irs debt in the amount of several thousand
student loans in neglect
utilities not paid in 5 months
rent check sent but not covered by checking account
cell phone bill due
income in the amount of 300 coming but not until the second week in october
no real job to help me
and no one to ask for help
I know a way but it's prohibited
and I'm supposed to be cool with this? ridiculous. maybe i could take my cello to a pawn shop.
It's no skin off my teeth to sell what I'm willing to give. this is so frustrating I'm suffocated before I even open my mouth to breathe. nothing makes you feel worthless like the inability to make money.
so today i'm looking for bullshit jobs. it's hard with a stapled up limping leg, but I guess I'll try anyway. I could keep trying and hope that somehow I'll be able to pay for school so that I can get a masters degree and move on with my life, or.....
I could erase my identity and start again in Bali or something... throw all of this bullshit away and take off with miss kitty and leave it all behind. tempting.
my life is fucked up at this point. alone alone alone. might as well live on the moon. maybe that's where I'll go. where you don't have to pay for your oxygen because there isn't any.
---------------------------------------------------------
ok now that the frustration and helplessness has been vented, lets turn back to hope and faith.
i will find a way to make money and take care of the most pressing things first. litle by little i will make progress on the debt and the life that I want. I will not hide my needs or my wants. I will not punish myself for feeling pain and for being stuck in the middle of a struggle. I will trust myself: my intellect, my will, my creativity and resilience. I will believe that I can succeed. ugh. it's kind of hard to get on board with the optimism.
whatever. Im going to get a job for now. I'm going to pick some OT programs and apply and enroll. i'm going to put my best efforts into the commitments currently on the calendar and not be paralyzed by fear or despondency. I will focus on love and count my own victory as a victory for life and all others in the world.
yeah. and I'll do my fucking taxes.
and I'll believe that there's some reason or purpose to keep going. yada yada yada you.
I am a child of God. God loves me. Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok.
over the limit credit balances
irs debt in the amount of several thousand
student loans in neglect
utilities not paid in 5 months
rent check sent but not covered by checking account
cell phone bill due
income in the amount of 300 coming but not until the second week in october
no real job to help me
and no one to ask for help
I know a way but it's prohibited
and I'm supposed to be cool with this? ridiculous. maybe i could take my cello to a pawn shop.
It's no skin off my teeth to sell what I'm willing to give. this is so frustrating I'm suffocated before I even open my mouth to breathe. nothing makes you feel worthless like the inability to make money.
so today i'm looking for bullshit jobs. it's hard with a stapled up limping leg, but I guess I'll try anyway. I could keep trying and hope that somehow I'll be able to pay for school so that I can get a masters degree and move on with my life, or.....
I could erase my identity and start again in Bali or something... throw all of this bullshit away and take off with miss kitty and leave it all behind. tempting.
my life is fucked up at this point. alone alone alone. might as well live on the moon. maybe that's where I'll go. where you don't have to pay for your oxygen because there isn't any.
---------------------------------------------------------
ok now that the frustration and helplessness has been vented, lets turn back to hope and faith.
i will find a way to make money and take care of the most pressing things first. litle by little i will make progress on the debt and the life that I want. I will not hide my needs or my wants. I will not punish myself for feeling pain and for being stuck in the middle of a struggle. I will trust myself: my intellect, my will, my creativity and resilience. I will believe that I can succeed. ugh. it's kind of hard to get on board with the optimism.
whatever. Im going to get a job for now. I'm going to pick some OT programs and apply and enroll. i'm going to put my best efforts into the commitments currently on the calendar and not be paralyzed by fear or despondency. I will focus on love and count my own victory as a victory for life and all others in the world.
yeah. and I'll do my fucking taxes.
and I'll believe that there's some reason or purpose to keep going. yada yada yada you.
I am a child of God. God loves me. Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
where are you
where are you? where are You?
oh, there are.
I like the song Taxi Ride by Tori Amos... and most of the other songs on the album.
I'm glad your on my side.
I think I'm stuck a little.
a little... ha a lot.
Maybe i'm close to the point of accepting that this pain like your herniated disk is going to be here forever. for as long as I live. Maybe I'm getting there. maybe. I'm not really there. but here is my hope... supposedly it is an innate property of we souls incarnate... that is the peace and the love that comes from connection with the divine. I believe there is divinity in our world... I know, and you do to... there has to be something deeper than just walking around and talking and making money. I know because the only thing that brought me joy or any kind of fulfillment today was encouraging the new girl on the job and comforting her in her struggle, and giving love and genuine service to the shining souls in their old and smelly body machines coming for dinner at work. That is what made me feel real. Not my pretty dress or my makeup. So it's scarce these days. But nonetheless... I can't seem to find my way past this. And I don't even know what that would look like on me. I don't know what good it does to reach out and try to express, but I guess I just wish there was some way to
see u
or hear
and there's no way
no where
no body
So I get to sit here trapped in my existence trying to find out why I'm here.
It's not even that because it was that before you left.
It's more dealing with my own guilt I guess, and trying to believe that I am worth sticking it out, staying here. Is it? I don't know.
At this point Im over emotional and this is just pointless venting. I have too much inside me to make sense of or to be able to connect to anyone, which is why I am so isolated in my life. which is a big part of why i feel like you tore away my oxygen mask while we were finding our way through the depths of the ocean, and swam away to the surface with my only way to breathe. It's a little over the top but so are you. geez. obviously I need to meditate and calm down. ok so seperate from the emotions. regardless, i treasure the us that was. as flawed and truncated as it was.
so i guess I just keep on tripping all over my life and trying
and yes I will connect with the truth and the love and peace inherent in my soul.
you are beautiful
my best
oh, there are.
I like the song Taxi Ride by Tori Amos... and most of the other songs on the album.
I'm glad your on my side.
I think I'm stuck a little.
a little... ha a lot.
Maybe i'm close to the point of accepting that this pain like your herniated disk is going to be here forever. for as long as I live. Maybe I'm getting there. maybe. I'm not really there. but here is my hope... supposedly it is an innate property of we souls incarnate... that is the peace and the love that comes from connection with the divine. I believe there is divinity in our world... I know, and you do to... there has to be something deeper than just walking around and talking and making money. I know because the only thing that brought me joy or any kind of fulfillment today was encouraging the new girl on the job and comforting her in her struggle, and giving love and genuine service to the shining souls in their old and smelly body machines coming for dinner at work. That is what made me feel real. Not my pretty dress or my makeup. So it's scarce these days. But nonetheless... I can't seem to find my way past this. And I don't even know what that would look like on me. I don't know what good it does to reach out and try to express, but I guess I just wish there was some way to
see u
or hear
and there's no way
no where
no body
So I get to sit here trapped in my existence trying to find out why I'm here.
It's not even that because it was that before you left.
It's more dealing with my own guilt I guess, and trying to believe that I am worth sticking it out, staying here. Is it? I don't know.
At this point Im over emotional and this is just pointless venting. I have too much inside me to make sense of or to be able to connect to anyone, which is why I am so isolated in my life. which is a big part of why i feel like you tore away my oxygen mask while we were finding our way through the depths of the ocean, and swam away to the surface with my only way to breathe. It's a little over the top but so are you. geez. obviously I need to meditate and calm down. ok so seperate from the emotions. regardless, i treasure the us that was. as flawed and truncated as it was.
so i guess I just keep on tripping all over my life and trying
and yes I will connect with the truth and the love and peace inherent in my soul.
you are beautiful
my best
Friday, August 20, 2010
your rethra Arethra
yeah well I hope it works out for everyone
I really do
well ok
any way it works out it will be working out... so there
maybe it doesn't matter which way
I'm here for a time. I'll do my best while I can stand the up and down and the fighting and gauging and analyzing that goes on. honestly I'm fucking tired of trying to convince myself this is worth the struggle. but it's cool. it's already been determined that I can't trust my feelings, my head really. there's reason somewhere in there that can be maybe function independently from my moods and feelings and other thoughts that wage war against my system. How much of this have I brought on myself? A lot probably. How long before I can find some kind of equilibrium?
It's exhausting. Somebody out there. . . the loneliest hurting soul in pain... you are the one I send my love. I look you in the eyes and love you with every pathetic hurting inch of my heart, you are not alone. we are not alone. though it feels it.
this is me trying to make my own attempts at self persuasion worth something... persuade you too to keep trying. i've made it through 27 years of mediocrity and seasick how are yous so might as well see how the next 30... i think there were some moments of flight...i can never remember how that felt what was it? what was it? gimme that gimme that... i can't hold it, jesus I can't hold on to this....
I really do
well ok
any way it works out it will be working out... so there
maybe it doesn't matter which way
I'm here for a time. I'll do my best while I can stand the up and down and the fighting and gauging and analyzing that goes on. honestly I'm fucking tired of trying to convince myself this is worth the struggle. but it's cool. it's already been determined that I can't trust my feelings, my head really. there's reason somewhere in there that can be maybe function independently from my moods and feelings and other thoughts that wage war against my system. How much of this have I brought on myself? A lot probably. How long before I can find some kind of equilibrium?
It's exhausting. Somebody out there. . . the loneliest hurting soul in pain... you are the one I send my love. I look you in the eyes and love you with every pathetic hurting inch of my heart, you are not alone. we are not alone. though it feels it.
this is me trying to make my own attempts at self persuasion worth something... persuade you too to keep trying. i've made it through 27 years of mediocrity and seasick how are yous so might as well see how the next 30... i think there were some moments of flight...i can never remember how that felt what was it? what was it? gimme that gimme that... i can't hold it, jesus I can't hold on to this....
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
More of the same
Choosing to live takes so much persistence and patience. and other "ences". I know it's not supposed to be easy. duh. its just that for me in particular it seems to hurt so much to keep the struggle going on. All i can do is lean on the mercy of Love. the love-force that makes up whatever God is and the simple faith that there is a reason I am here. I'm often at the end of my rope when it comes to life. That doesn't seem right. I think the fact that I'm still here, still trying says something. Honestly when I look at the things I have felt and dealt with and honestly evaluate how I experience life - I am proud of myself. I haven't really done anything great or notable, and in my mind the mistakes seem multitudinous. But I have at least persevered up until now. My present and my future are shrouded in confusion. If only I could FEEL deeply the meaning and the purpose for continuing. I truly am inspired by the practice of meditation and Kriya yoga and the departure from physical/material sensations... I think that could help me - cus maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on feelings.
I think right now I'm just tired. All I can do is my best. A little bit better everyday.
There are so many suffering people out in the world... Perhaps my own suffering can help me grow compassion for others. For one special hurting woman in particular I send out the vibrating energy of acceptance and love and peace. Let our minds be strengthened to choose the good and not the bad. I am going to practice that myself now with calming my mind, slowing down... calmness leads to peace leads to joy and love and all that we would ever need. I wish I could ease the hurt somehow. Mine and yours.
So right now I concentrate on the things to be noted - reasons for gratitude - the wind in Hawaii is so beautiful. Warm and sweet smelling and slightly moist. The love and hope that has come as a windfall continues and is the same despite challenges and fear and I am exceedingly grateful. How blessed I am by love that needs only to be identified and accepted to be felt. Tyler and I have seen many rainbows caused by just the right amounts of light and rain. I am at peace. I am at peace. Just to live to the end of each day as right as I can... that is all that is required.
Love to all
truly
I think right now I'm just tired. All I can do is my best. A little bit better everyday.
There are so many suffering people out in the world... Perhaps my own suffering can help me grow compassion for others. For one special hurting woman in particular I send out the vibrating energy of acceptance and love and peace. Let our minds be strengthened to choose the good and not the bad. I am going to practice that myself now with calming my mind, slowing down... calmness leads to peace leads to joy and love and all that we would ever need. I wish I could ease the hurt somehow. Mine and yours.
So right now I concentrate on the things to be noted - reasons for gratitude - the wind in Hawaii is so beautiful. Warm and sweet smelling and slightly moist. The love and hope that has come as a windfall continues and is the same despite challenges and fear and I am exceedingly grateful. How blessed I am by love that needs only to be identified and accepted to be felt. Tyler and I have seen many rainbows caused by just the right amounts of light and rain. I am at peace. I am at peace. Just to live to the end of each day as right as I can... that is all that is required.
Love to all
truly
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
random writings
HAIKUS
your laughter
sour sardines in my head
Me hablo Ingles
there's the beat
face silhouettes
frosted light
your laughter
sour sardines in my head
Me hablo Ingles
there's the beat
face silhouettes
frosted light
Monday, June 14, 2010
Poetry at work
June 14 2010
THE WORD OF THE DAY
A new word for every day
a sound to keep the thoughts at bay
my choice to chase the dogs away
and run
I will
to kiss the sun
Embrace the life of now and then, body suits
and beauty therein - Today
is TRAJECTORY
to the freedom space above the clouds
flown on the lift force of love and affirmation to
answer the distant call from the new horizon
and I see myself there in time
for happy hour
captured by the truth
of you and me and
unity and the path (of trajectory) is the goal
the journey is all
for the strength of my soul
and the joy of "GO!"
LIVE!!!! that is all that is required.
JUNE 13
VERNA
While at work attending to a guest
I see the whole world
Bursting with microcosmic honesty
all wrapped up amidst her wrinkles
and shining out her eyes
with a piercing truth a lifetime
in a moment lost at sea
I offer her a menu
She shares some buoyancy
I love how in E.E. Cummings poems you get two for the price of one... three even, you can read it without the parenthesis, you can read it with, and you can even read only the parenthesis...
vilmorin wrote a poem about flowers from an anoymous giver... using the imagery of footsteps in the sand as an analogy for love lost, love hoped for... flowers flung from the parenthesis of a step she says...
I wish there was no sickness or death in the world. here's love to my sister in the hospital and my mom nearing the end of her autumn.
and to all my enemies and friends too.
THE WORD OF THE DAY
A new word for every day
a sound to keep the thoughts at bay
my choice to chase the dogs away
and run
I will
to kiss the sun
Embrace the life of now and then, body suits
and beauty therein - Today
is TRAJECTORY
to the freedom space above the clouds
flown on the lift force of love and affirmation to
answer the distant call from the new horizon
and I see myself there in time
for happy hour
captured by the truth
of you and me and
unity and the path (of trajectory) is the goal
the journey is all
for the strength of my soul
and the joy of "GO!"
LIVE!!!! that is all that is required.
JUNE 13
VERNA
While at work attending to a guest
I see the whole world
Bursting with microcosmic honesty
all wrapped up amidst her wrinkles
and shining out her eyes
with a piercing truth a lifetime
in a moment lost at sea
I offer her a menu
She shares some buoyancy
I love how in E.E. Cummings poems you get two for the price of one... three even, you can read it without the parenthesis, you can read it with, and you can even read only the parenthesis...
vilmorin wrote a poem about flowers from an anoymous giver... using the imagery of footsteps in the sand as an analogy for love lost, love hoped for... flowers flung from the parenthesis of a step she says...
I wish there was no sickness or death in the world. here's love to my sister in the hospital and my mom nearing the end of her autumn.
and to all my enemies and friends too.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Sometimes you have to let everything fall apart...
A song called Trim by Underworld
He-he-heat in your skin pull up a chair and unwind
Dog we don't share the taxi left us behind
Silhouette of a psychic reader in the market
And the straw wrapped around a bottle to take home
Barbecue chicken oil in a drum double strong wrong
Here comes the horn you call for
Woman in a box with her head in her box
Speaks French when spoken like a tourist French
Hey classic Coca-Cola in a can
When you wanna cool down
Heat she move up the street in waves
Sugar sugar clear your mind leave it all behind
Get in the boat and float join in on a high spot
And ride ride put on some smile stay for awhile
I think the poetry of Underworld is fascinating. Imagery and pretty sounding combinations of words... painting portraits of moments... taking ordinary things and noticing and putting them to words, people in the supermarket and broken fences and stuff. I see so many things that are poetic... tragic and joyful and life-full... the homeless woman collapsed in front of the Metro escalator, unresponsive and leaking, the sun turning the buildings into mirrors, augmenting the city, framing it in such a manageable way, the young man that lifts my spirits with a song on the accordion as I ride exhausted to home, feeling lost and somehow finding myself just a little in the notes, the little black boy not yet required to be self-aware doing michael jackson moves as he follows his father down he sidewalk, the shirtless and most likely insane but blissful man wading through the fountain, the obviously sad wife who seems so full of pain as her wealthy lawyer husband passes me a tip, the sight of my own scars and trying to find my way out of that horrible alone feeling...
anyway, i think it's amazing that they are so much more than an electronic band or guys that know how to use computers... they do something powerful with their music.
I want to do something powerful. I feel some kind of pressure to be working off Joe's Karma. like the only way I can keep loving him or make up for not loving him right before is by loving myself and keeping on to try and work and blah blah blah. But I know its a lot more than that. I think sometimes things still get to me that's all. And I wish I was little again and could talk to my mom and believe she could help me. and I wish I could talk to him. and I want to somehow share or be with his family and stuff and I cant and it's frustrating. I just have to keep on. Sleep will help I'm sure.
I must say it thrills me to see the sunrise every once and a while. And I long to share love with everyone. It's ok that I don't know exactly how. I believe in love and maybe that's enough for now. It make seem like everything else is going to pieces, but sometimes you just have to let everything fall apart.
He-he-heat in your skin pull up a chair and unwind
Dog we don't share the taxi left us behind
Silhouette of a psychic reader in the market
And the straw wrapped around a bottle to take home
Barbecue chicken oil in a drum double strong wrong
Here comes the horn you call for
Woman in a box with her head in her box
Speaks French when spoken like a tourist French
Hey classic Coca-Cola in a can
When you wanna cool down
Heat she move up the street in waves
Sugar sugar clear your mind leave it all behind
Get in the boat and float join in on a high spot
And ride ride put on some smile stay for awhile
I think the poetry of Underworld is fascinating. Imagery and pretty sounding combinations of words... painting portraits of moments... taking ordinary things and noticing and putting them to words, people in the supermarket and broken fences and stuff. I see so many things that are poetic... tragic and joyful and life-full... the homeless woman collapsed in front of the Metro escalator, unresponsive and leaking, the sun turning the buildings into mirrors, augmenting the city, framing it in such a manageable way, the young man that lifts my spirits with a song on the accordion as I ride exhausted to home, feeling lost and somehow finding myself just a little in the notes, the little black boy not yet required to be self-aware doing michael jackson moves as he follows his father down he sidewalk, the shirtless and most likely insane but blissful man wading through the fountain, the obviously sad wife who seems so full of pain as her wealthy lawyer husband passes me a tip, the sight of my own scars and trying to find my way out of that horrible alone feeling...
anyway, i think it's amazing that they are so much more than an electronic band or guys that know how to use computers... they do something powerful with their music.
I want to do something powerful. I feel some kind of pressure to be working off Joe's Karma. like the only way I can keep loving him or make up for not loving him right before is by loving myself and keeping on to try and work and blah blah blah. But I know its a lot more than that. I think sometimes things still get to me that's all. And I wish I was little again and could talk to my mom and believe she could help me. and I wish I could talk to him. and I want to somehow share or be with his family and stuff and I cant and it's frustrating. I just have to keep on. Sleep will help I'm sure.
I must say it thrills me to see the sunrise every once and a while. And I long to share love with everyone. It's ok that I don't know exactly how. I believe in love and maybe that's enough for now. It make seem like everything else is going to pieces, but sometimes you just have to let everything fall apart.
Monday, May 10, 2010
setting things straight at two thirghty-eight
ok i have six minutes to get it out
six
really bottom line
I have nothing to fear
It comes back to me
and decisions
but maybe you all don't see the same things
as me
that makes it a little more lonely
but
sucky sucky sup
i can go it alone too
not like i haven't before
there's always the tried and true
like you
and if anyone cares to do right
they do
far and few for sure
but there they are
and then we all pass it on to the next soul in need
but fuck
might as well just figure this out alone
anybody else just seems to eventually
um
clash
rrrrrrrrr
crash
rrrrrrrrrrrr
frictify
i don't know.
sad i guess...
but, I accept. i guess that's fine
what I expected really.
night folks
six
really bottom line
I have nothing to fear
It comes back to me
and decisions
but maybe you all don't see the same things
as me
that makes it a little more lonely
but
sucky sucky sup
i can go it alone too
not like i haven't before
there's always the tried and true
like you
and if anyone cares to do right
they do
far and few for sure
but there they are
and then we all pass it on to the next soul in need
but fuck
might as well just figure this out alone
anybody else just seems to eventually
um
clash
rrrrrrrrr
crash
rrrrrrrrrrrr
frictify
i don't know.
sad i guess...
but, I accept. i guess that's fine
what I expected really.
night folks
athena's demise incorporated
well
im tired of tossing and turning
chapter, oh no... epilogue
Damn it's been a while since I've seen the colbert report. =( This is sad. I have to say, he picked a fucking awesome ben and jerry's ice cream flava flave to put his name on.
I have a shit load to get done this week, a lot of things to be well rested for, and a lot of hours to catch up on... but shits on my mind. kinda sucks. and maybe I just wish I was at home. I gotta stay me.
even if no one the fuck really understands.
I'll play something good. At least i'm good for that.
peace
im tired of tossing and turning
chapter, oh no... epilogue
Damn it's been a while since I've seen the colbert report. =( This is sad. I have to say, he picked a fucking awesome ben and jerry's ice cream flava flave to put his name on.
I have a shit load to get done this week, a lot of things to be well rested for, and a lot of hours to catch up on... but shits on my mind. kinda sucks. and maybe I just wish I was at home. I gotta stay me.
even if no one the fuck really understands.
I'll play something good. At least i'm good for that.
peace
Monday, May 3, 2010
you are my menstrual cramps said the lion
this lady
i know visits her worst fears
fosters her sad tears
indulges her Self in base moods and emotions
longing to be free but feeling
entitled to sympathy and exempt from responsibility
and get this, she's angry at me
that I can't fix anything
which comes around to
give me
a pain in the ass
like heart burn from feeding my face with grease
she is my menstrual cramps
You Menstrual Cramp! You bloody cub killer
How dare you threaten the integrity,
the purity of my love and my family?
The carnal frame of me LONGS
to defend my pride with
PHYSICALITY!!!!
To give credence to the power i feel
to illustrate my banal feeling with violence.
If I were the lion I would do more
than parade around and
make a show of my superiority
I would deep-sink my teeth in after
SCREAGASMING my vengeful vitality
so that the whole desert and God himself can hear my passion
My outrageous offender
you will not eat in my territory
you will not threaten my future
I defeat, I win long before you retreat
for your every act is rooted in fear.
I am not a lion.
I am a soul all wrapped up and in demo launch
testing all the circuits of this weird body i'm wearing.
Neither am I a stuck in the mud wilder-beast
succumbing to the hackling hyenas
that rip ruby-dripping mouthfuls of my flesh,
eating me alive as I slowly
surrender my life and accept defeat.
I am a mind and a soul possessing unbelievable power not yet realized.
It is this power, this strength of mind and will to love,
to choose only good thoughts
that will win
that will love you
even when you hurt me
and so change your damage - your negativity and inconsiderate
self-minded thrashing
into good.
i know visits her worst fears
fosters her sad tears
indulges her Self in base moods and emotions
longing to be free but feeling
entitled to sympathy and exempt from responsibility
and get this, she's angry at me
that I can't fix anything
which comes around to
give me
a pain in the ass
like heart burn from feeding my face with grease
she is my menstrual cramps
You Menstrual Cramp! You bloody cub killer
How dare you threaten the integrity,
the purity of my love and my family?
The carnal frame of me LONGS
to defend my pride with
PHYSICALITY!!!!
To give credence to the power i feel
to illustrate my banal feeling with violence.
If I were the lion I would do more
than parade around and
make a show of my superiority
I would deep-sink my teeth in after
SCREAGASMING my vengeful vitality
so that the whole desert and God himself can hear my passion
My outrageous offender
you will not eat in my territory
you will not threaten my future
I defeat, I win long before you retreat
for your every act is rooted in fear.
I am not a lion.
I am a soul all wrapped up and in demo launch
testing all the circuits of this weird body i'm wearing.
Neither am I a stuck in the mud wilder-beast
succumbing to the hackling hyenas
that rip ruby-dripping mouthfuls of my flesh,
eating me alive as I slowly
surrender my life and accept defeat.
I am a mind and a soul possessing unbelievable power not yet realized.
It is this power, this strength of mind and will to love,
to choose only good thoughts
that will win
that will love you
even when you hurt me
and so change your damage - your negativity and inconsiderate
self-minded thrashing
into good.
Friday, April 30, 2010
tonglen
i just want to run
to the water
to your arms
to some comfort
and there is some in love
but there's pain
and I'm not afraid to feel it
I'll follow her example
that sweet mother
and turn all the pain
to compassion
and love
and hope that all beings
be free
to the water
to your arms
to some comfort
and there is some in love
but there's pain
and I'm not afraid to feel it
I'll follow her example
that sweet mother
and turn all the pain
to compassion
and love
and hope that all beings
be free
Venting - the girlfriend of my friend experience
How bout give this some time beotch:
you don't fucking know what the hell I do and continue to believe shit about me that you have basically made up in your head. I truly do not understand and I'm over it. you acted like you wanted to fuck up my relationship after feigning support and getting me to divulge sensitive information, time after time saying "i don't judge, i don't judge, you can be honest with me hilary". Then you refuse to believe me when I tell you of mt decision. Then you continue to hear things in an imaginitive but negative and mean light. It's ridiculous!!! Be honest with yourself and don't be afraid of what you find within you. I do the same. I can't keep arguing my point when I have assessed and found that I am erroneous. If you were trying to break us up or make him hate me it didn't work. I don't understand why would go to such lengths to do that- that is so completely malicious and insidious and just fucked up.
I thought you were a kind person. I liked you. Now it seems like you are preoccupied and consumed with your own interests, and that is the source of all suffering. That is what is causing your suffering right now, which is indirectly causing my suffering. Try PLEASE to see that there is a world greater than yourself. a bigger picture. And you have the choice to promote the good rather than this BULLSHIT.
I feel sorry for you.
I feel hurt.
I don't understand your approach, and frankly don't need to be abused in my relationships by someone who intelligently warps things and cares more about WINNING before trying for mutual peace and compromise. You will make a phenomenal lawyer.I have so much compassion for you cus it seems like you've been though a lot. Don't fucking abuse me just because that's how you learned to deal with your relationships.
Whatevers clever.
just ouch girl. imma having to put time in to recover from this bullshit and that seems wack. that's all. I will meditate and focus on forgiving and letting go. I've never been treated this way.It's strange coming from someone who is intellectually gifted but so fucking dense in relationship-wise. *******************************
not to end on that note but to end: I still continue to focus on LOVE, TRUTH, COMPASSION, FORGIVENESS, ALL the GOOD in the world.
It's a beautiful day. I have beautiful people in my life. T, B, J, E, D, M, S, all these beautiful people with god inside of them. God help me find you.
you don't fucking know what the hell I do and continue to believe shit about me that you have basically made up in your head. I truly do not understand and I'm over it. you acted like you wanted to fuck up my relationship after feigning support and getting me to divulge sensitive information, time after time saying "i don't judge, i don't judge, you can be honest with me hilary". Then you refuse to believe me when I tell you of mt decision. Then you continue to hear things in an imaginitive but negative and mean light. It's ridiculous!!! Be honest with yourself and don't be afraid of what you find within you. I do the same. I can't keep arguing my point when I have assessed and found that I am erroneous. If you were trying to break us up or make him hate me it didn't work. I don't understand why would go to such lengths to do that- that is so completely malicious and insidious and just fucked up.
I thought you were a kind person. I liked you. Now it seems like you are preoccupied and consumed with your own interests, and that is the source of all suffering. That is what is causing your suffering right now, which is indirectly causing my suffering. Try PLEASE to see that there is a world greater than yourself. a bigger picture. And you have the choice to promote the good rather than this BULLSHIT.
I feel sorry for you.
I feel hurt.
I don't understand your approach, and frankly don't need to be abused in my relationships by someone who intelligently warps things and cares more about WINNING before trying for mutual peace and compromise. You will make a phenomenal lawyer.I have so much compassion for you cus it seems like you've been though a lot. Don't fucking abuse me just because that's how you learned to deal with your relationships.
Whatevers clever.
just ouch girl. imma having to put time in to recover from this bullshit and that seems wack. that's all. I will meditate and focus on forgiving and letting go. I've never been treated this way.It's strange coming from someone who is intellectually gifted but so fucking dense in relationship-wise. *******************************
not to end on that note but to end: I still continue to focus on LOVE, TRUTH, COMPASSION, FORGIVENESS, ALL the GOOD in the world.
It's a beautiful day. I have beautiful people in my life. T, B, J, E, D, M, S, all these beautiful people with god inside of them. God help me find you.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
makesenseIwishIhad
I guess Im not the sort of person to turn around and fucking hitchike because turbulance is a possibility of. fear threatens always. as much as i desire a smooth ride i think id rather see your face sooner. and id rather order my vodka tonic and ill hold it in my hand if its gonna slopify on the tray because of the bumps in the sky road. i miss the power of you and your freedom. I dont want to be all thinking all the time and surveying the land beneath my jumping path. i want to jump into love. no i want to inhabit and radiate love always regardless of anything - oh yeah, that word is irregardless... hee hee. fuk it. i'm here. i'm queer. i'm near to you. and we're gonna find out what happens.
claiborne lives.
claiborne lives.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Requiem it up Verdi, damn
I all of a sudden
remembered
I love to be part of the
good sounds
all of them
loud and soft
and sad and angry
and lovely
I like to be part of
the music
part of the expression
of the world
of us
So onwards then...
remembered
I love to be part of the
good sounds
all of them
loud and soft
and sad and angry
and lovely
I like to be part of
the music
part of the expression
of the world
of us
So onwards then...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
the pain, the love, the light
i'm going to get back to the bravery
i am not afraid to feel i guess. it's easier not to, but it denies the beauty and all the glorious mysteries that for some reason I know, I am convinced make up the "big picture". There is a big picture. And it's bigger then myself. It's such a crushing and bittersweet release to humble myself... to lessen the importance of me in my world feeling ok and getting somewhere, to acknowledge my insignificance and my ignorance.
so then what do I believe in?
I watch me go left and right, pacing the hours away, lost in my own fight, trying to make sense of things and redeem the night, and it's too busy to hear the music in the air, too loud to receive whats already there, and i move faster and try harder
and then you pin me down to prove there is a truth
it's in the stillness
like when you can't see the stars because
you're afraid to turn off the flashlight and
be alone in the dark
but really they have more light to give
than what i get from the push of a button
always shining even when i can't see
ohhhh gratitude... that's all.
i am not afraid to feel i guess. it's easier not to, but it denies the beauty and all the glorious mysteries that for some reason I know, I am convinced make up the "big picture". There is a big picture. And it's bigger then myself. It's such a crushing and bittersweet release to humble myself... to lessen the importance of me in my world feeling ok and getting somewhere, to acknowledge my insignificance and my ignorance.
so then what do I believe in?
I watch me go left and right, pacing the hours away, lost in my own fight, trying to make sense of things and redeem the night, and it's too busy to hear the music in the air, too loud to receive whats already there, and i move faster and try harder
and then you pin me down to prove there is a truth
it's in the stillness
like when you can't see the stars because
you're afraid to turn off the flashlight and
be alone in the dark
but really they have more light to give
than what i get from the push of a button
always shining even when i can't see
ohhhh gratitude... that's all.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
It's simple, but not necessarily easy
Things are never what they seem to be
one thing might mean a thousand things
to me I can't ever say and seem to
you a simple truth, are you sure
yeah I'm sure
son you aint sure of nothin
Because there is no perfect
crosstitch seam to give a "should"
to mark where my world stops
and yours begins
its all one
and you could easily be me
see it through my history but we're
not necessarily any closer to clarity
we keep trying to find some kind of magic key
and really you are
the rest of me
one thing might mean a thousand things
to me I can't ever say and seem to
you a simple truth, are you sure
yeah I'm sure
son you aint sure of nothin
Because there is no perfect
crosstitch seam to give a "should"
to mark where my world stops
and yours begins
its all one
and you could easily be me
see it through my history but we're
not necessarily any closer to clarity
we keep trying to find some kind of magic key
and really you are
the rest of me
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Talk to you
I love you
I love your brain
I love your heart
I love your body
I love you soul
hey - maybe that's you calling =)
talk to you
Paintings of order
and shape and sun between the
buildings, structures holding us
keeping us safe with patterns
of systematic living
I miss you every single day
I know
you're here
in different ways
the things we choose
only wanting not to lose, all the limits you dream
when you put on your vertigo shoes
well I want to hear the whispers
i'll keep my eyes open
don't worry babe
you know there's nothing to lose
I love your brain
I love your heart
I love your body
I love you soul
hey - maybe that's you calling =)
talk to you
Paintings of order
and shape and sun between the
buildings, structures holding us
keeping us safe with patterns
of systematic living
I miss you every single day
I know
you're here
in different ways
the things we choose
only wanting not to lose, all the limits you dream
when you put on your vertigo shoes
well I want to hear the whispers
i'll keep my eyes open
don't worry babe
you know there's nothing to lose
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Faith in the freedom of my soul to will and choose, the will to change my thoughts, the thoughts to affirm my faith.
out of the power of thought every worthwhile accomplishment is born
Even if circumstances or inner resistance obstruct your efforts to change, you can assert your soul’s freedom to choose what is for your highest good. You need not rely on yourself alone.
I have so much to change. I must free myself of the entitled demanding of pleasure and comfort. Ridiculous. sigh. I will just keep working on it.
I suppose I shall just focus on the love.
Even if circumstances or inner resistance obstruct your efforts to change, you can assert your soul’s freedom to choose what is for your highest good. You need not rely on yourself alone.
I have so much to change. I must free myself of the entitled demanding of pleasure and comfort. Ridiculous. sigh. I will just keep working on it.
I suppose I shall just focus on the love.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Your happiness my happines
And she just gets so happy
whenyou
breathe yours
you could tell
he was so
everyone loves
and of course
we live the same
life today and then
tomorrow afternightt
will beat the same light pattern
see. we ARE beautiful. The shadow of a sundial.
Each space full of it's own time and reaching further
in fearless generosity
and then she gets to
trip and dance and twirl
across the the bridge of our fervor
and when would we be
without
her forgetting
spinning
a second to hold us all
in the same breath
in the same reason
in the same love
whenyou
breathe yours
you could tell
he was so
everyone loves
and of course
we live the same
life today and then
tomorrow afternightt
will beat the same light pattern
see. we ARE beautiful. The shadow of a sundial.
Each space full of it's own time and reaching further
in fearless generosity
and then she gets to
trip and dance and twirl
across the the bridge of our fervor
and when would we be
without
her forgetting
spinning
a second to hold us all
in the same breath
in the same reason
in the same love
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Abundance
My first not so positive thoughts this morning were erased and replaced by love after seeing texts from my dear friend reminding me of love, and listening to a voicemail from my Emmy singing a pretty happy birthday to me, telling me she was going to do everything for me today. Walking the dogs for me. Taking them to doggy school for me. Eating a baked potato for me. She's cute.
At this point of my story, I accept the details of my reality, i value my reality, and i appreciate the lessons that i am to learn in order to progress. Love and beauty abound in mysterious ways, available for discovery and acknowledgement. There are many questions to ask, and a world of choices to make. There is meaning to my little corner of the world, a reason for my unique experience of humanity. I have to build my dream, but when I do my dream is now. The whole planet and universe stirs at the aspirations enabled by a hopeful imagination. Excitement replaces the need for the comfortable or familiar. My general goal in life is not to attain some kind of status, financial security or affluence, superiority, notoriety, and it is not to do or be something big or make an extreme contribution to the world, and it is not to follow some conventional life milestone road map and hit each checkpoint: College-check. Spouse-Check. Career-check. House-check. Child/family-check...etc. The goal, the point of all this is only the development of my consciousness.
Every difficulty contains the key to the growth of my wisdom and joy. Resistance to these challenges only blinds me from the beauty that connects it all. I will remember to sail the skies to reach the distant suns... a new perspective, an alternate view cleared by the threatening winds... and I see new skylines.
Stand on hills of long forgotten yesterdays
Pass amongst your memories told returning ways
As certain as we walk today
Press over moments leaving you
Out in the city running free
Days pass as seconds turn the key
The strength of the moment lies with you
Out tender outward lights of you
Shine over mountains make the view
The strength of you seeing lies with you
Other thoughts - I took my shower around 12:30 pm, because I slept in. My mind was focused on glass half full affirmations, and choosing positivity encouragement. and all of a sudden Joe comes to mind, and I burst into tears... this wasn't good because I was in the process of shaving my legs. I'm used to this. Random waves of emotion. It feels good in a way - at least if I'm clear headed... But it's just hard to not think what things would be like if he was still here. Maybe he'd be here with me, maybe he'd just call me. His voice and sweet little heart would make me so happy. A day like my birthday, requiring a kind of recognition and reinstatement of my identity... it automatically includes the past two years. It's hard. I accept I accept. I will learn this painful lesson for the sake of what is good. It's beautiful to me today - it's lovely to love me and my life... and to love someone that left me so much. It's like he's part of me so celebrating my birthday includes celebrating knowing him and fighting to survive the separation of death. I die and am reborn with each thought of him, and the subsequent calm deep breathing and the "tonglen" breath... the sending out love and compassion to all the hurting people. I miss you Joe. I love you. Thanks for loving me. I'll feel it forever cus you did such a darn good job, straight up mr man style.
All right, so I am full of what is good and worthy of hope and love.
I will sea i mean see the ocean today.
I will be conscious. I will see life in abundance around and in me. It's all about the love.
At this point of my story, I accept the details of my reality, i value my reality, and i appreciate the lessons that i am to learn in order to progress. Love and beauty abound in mysterious ways, available for discovery and acknowledgement. There are many questions to ask, and a world of choices to make. There is meaning to my little corner of the world, a reason for my unique experience of humanity. I have to build my dream, but when I do my dream is now. The whole planet and universe stirs at the aspirations enabled by a hopeful imagination. Excitement replaces the need for the comfortable or familiar. My general goal in life is not to attain some kind of status, financial security or affluence, superiority, notoriety, and it is not to do or be something big or make an extreme contribution to the world, and it is not to follow some conventional life milestone road map and hit each checkpoint: College-check. Spouse-Check. Career-check. House-check. Child/family-check...etc. The goal, the point of all this is only the development of my consciousness.
Every difficulty contains the key to the growth of my wisdom and joy. Resistance to these challenges only blinds me from the beauty that connects it all. I will remember to sail the skies to reach the distant suns... a new perspective, an alternate view cleared by the threatening winds... and I see new skylines.
Stand on hills of long forgotten yesterdays
Pass amongst your memories told returning ways
As certain as we walk today
Press over moments leaving you
Out in the city running free
Days pass as seconds turn the key
The strength of the moment lies with you
Out tender outward lights of you
Shine over mountains make the view
The strength of you seeing lies with you
Other thoughts - I took my shower around 12:30 pm, because I slept in. My mind was focused on glass half full affirmations, and choosing positivity encouragement. and all of a sudden Joe comes to mind, and I burst into tears... this wasn't good because I was in the process of shaving my legs. I'm used to this. Random waves of emotion. It feels good in a way - at least if I'm clear headed... But it's just hard to not think what things would be like if he was still here. Maybe he'd be here with me, maybe he'd just call me. His voice and sweet little heart would make me so happy. A day like my birthday, requiring a kind of recognition and reinstatement of my identity... it automatically includes the past two years. It's hard. I accept I accept. I will learn this painful lesson for the sake of what is good. It's beautiful to me today - it's lovely to love me and my life... and to love someone that left me so much. It's like he's part of me so celebrating my birthday includes celebrating knowing him and fighting to survive the separation of death. I die and am reborn with each thought of him, and the subsequent calm deep breathing and the "tonglen" breath... the sending out love and compassion to all the hurting people. I miss you Joe. I love you. Thanks for loving me. I'll feel it forever cus you did such a darn good job, straight up mr man style.
All right, so I am full of what is good and worthy of hope and love.
I will sea i mean see the ocean today.
I will be conscious. I will see life in abundance around and in me. It's all about the love.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The circles - 1/6/2010
All I want is to stand
beneath the moon
and wonder and smile
and sing
I have nothing to fear.
I have many things to love.
Last year was no longer than this moment
and, if I listen I can hear the ocean
that breathed outside my window long ago in steady rhythm
to steal away my mind in motion and wash my worries
out to sea
as if to say to me as I toss here restlessly:
though it may seem trivial, this moment is no more brief
nor less sacred than tomorrow
So the pain panic rests in a deep breath of stillness
this sighing song sings the ebb and flow
sounds the inhale, exhale of life and death
in perfect embrace
like a starfish watching the come and go
waiting for the tide
letting the passing moments pass
holding on till it's time to let go
beneath the moon
and wonder and smile
and sing
I have nothing to fear.
I have many things to love.
Last year was no longer than this moment
and, if I listen I can hear the ocean
that breathed outside my window long ago in steady rhythm
to steal away my mind in motion and wash my worries
out to sea
as if to say to me as I toss here restlessly:
though it may seem trivial, this moment is no more brief
nor less sacred than tomorrow
So the pain panic rests in a deep breath of stillness
this sighing song sings the ebb and flow
sounds the inhale, exhale of life and death
in perfect embrace
like a starfish watching the come and go
waiting for the tide
letting the passing moments pass
holding on till it's time to let go
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