your rethra Arethra

yeah well I hope it works out for everyone

I really do

well ok

any way it works out it will be working out... so there

maybe it doesn't matter which way

I'm here for a time. I'll do my best while I can stand the up and down and the fighting and gauging and analyzing that goes on. honestly I'm fucking tired of trying to convince myself this is worth the struggle. but it's cool. it's already been determined that I can't trust my feelings, my head really. there's reason somewhere in there that can be maybe function independently from my moods and feelings and other thoughts that wage war against my system. How much of this have I brought on myself? A lot probably. How long before I can find some kind of equilibrium?

It's exhausting. Somebody out there. . . the loneliest hurting soul in pain... you are the one I send my love. I look you in the eyes and love you with every pathetic hurting inch of my heart, you are not alone. we are not alone. though it feels it.

this is me trying to make my own attempts at self persuasion worth something... persuade you too to keep trying. i've made it through 27 years of mediocrity and seasick how are yous so might as well see how the next 30... i think there were some moments of flight...i can never remember how that felt what was it? what was it? gimme that gimme that... i can't hold it, jesus I can't hold on to this....

impossible

they say that every situation is workable.

well ok

but it's hard to see

More of the same

Choosing to live takes so much persistence and patience. and other "ences". I know it's not supposed to be easy. duh. its just that for me in particular it seems to hurt so much to keep the struggle going on. All i can do is lean on the mercy of Love. the love-force that makes up whatever God is and the simple faith that there is a reason I am here. I'm often at the end of my rope when it comes to life. That doesn't seem right. I think the fact that I'm still here, still trying says something. Honestly when I look at the things I have felt and dealt with and honestly evaluate how I experience life - I am proud of myself. I haven't really done anything great or notable, and in my mind the mistakes seem multitudinous. But I have at least persevered up until now. My present and my future are shrouded in confusion. If only I could FEEL deeply the meaning and the purpose for continuing. I truly am inspired by the practice of meditation and Kriya yoga and the departure from physical/material sensations... I think that could help me - cus maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on feelings.

I think right now I'm just tired. All I can do is my best. A little bit better everyday.

There are so many suffering people out in the world... Perhaps my own suffering can help me grow compassion for others. For one special hurting woman in particular I send out the vibrating energy of acceptance and love and peace. Let our minds be strengthened to choose the good and not the bad. I am going to practice that myself now with calming my mind, slowing down... calmness leads to peace leads to joy and love and all that we would ever need. I wish I could ease the hurt somehow. Mine and yours.

So right now I concentrate on the things to be noted - reasons for gratitude - the wind in Hawaii is so beautiful. Warm and sweet smelling and slightly moist. The love and hope that has come as a windfall continues and is the same despite challenges and fear and I am exceedingly grateful. How blessed I am by love that needs only to be identified and accepted to be felt. Tyler and I have seen many rainbows caused by just the right amounts of light and rain. I am at peace. I am at peace. Just to live to the end of each day as right as I can... that is all that is required.

Love to all
truly