dreams

Natalie awoke to a half-lit overcast dawn sky and the sound of her boyfriend, Will, coming to bed. She opened her eyes wider and coughed, "what time is it?", she asked. "oh, um, six o'clock". He said it as if he was reluctant to tell her the truth. She let a puff of air out in a sort of incredulous or sardonic laugh and turned back over. As he lay his head next to her she could smell alcohol in his sweat and his breath. She could tell he was tired. She tried to put her finger on why she felt annoyed, but couldn't figure it out and, realizing that she missed him and longed to feel him hold her close, she reached over and took his arm, pulling it around her. As she faded back into the realm of dreams she half-debated with herself that she may as well get up if its six already, get an early start on the day... The impulse was all too easy to ignore.

Suddenly she was in her childhood home. Her siblings were there, her father was making something in the kitchen. Vaguely aware that she was dreaming she thought, this is odd, we are here as if it were 15 years ago, but still our old ages of the present. Mom and dad are 60, dad vibrant and youthful, mom staggering with every painful arthritic step. - But something was different. She looked closer at her mother to see a protruding belly that could only represent a pregnancy. Her mother doubled over in pain. "It's coming," she said, "I need to lie down". Oh my God, mom's in labor. at 60 years old?. Without even a blink of the eye or any kind of recognition of her pain or condition, Natalie's father continued on with his meal while she escorted her mother to the bedroom to lie down. As her mother growned in pain she heard her father put on some rock n' roll and turn the volume up. "Jesus, everyone in the neighborhood could hear that. Doesn't he care that mom needs help?".

She tried massaging her mom's back to no avail. She ran a bath for her hoping the warm water would relax her muscles. This is ridiculous. Why am I dreaming this? She finally went into the kitchen to confront her father about his callousness. Her plea was met only with disdain, and when she pushed harder, incredulous that he appeared to enjoy her pain she got a sharp slap in the face. He now thought of her as being on the enemy side. She knew she would have to help her mother alone. It did nothing but increase her anger, and she stared filled with contempt towards him, before walking out of the room. Her mom was doing no better, convinced now that she needed to get to a hospital quick. Natalie somehow knew that she would deliver a dead baby. Frustrated at her helplessness to make anything work or fix anything she looked up at the ceiling, feeling the acute pain and nothingness of being completely alone. And then, she woke up.

It was lighter outside. What time is it now? The boys are still passed out. I'm going to get up. She walked into the kitchen. Her mind still on her dream she half-heartedly started throwing away the beer cans that littered the counters. The majority of them had been barely touched. She saved those ones, putting them in the fridge for later as she wondered at the forgetfulness of the guys. "Why would they forget about the beer they were drinking and just open up a new one..." she murmured to herself. "ridiculous". She made some coffee and pulled the ice cream out of the freezer, thinking about her dream while she ate a few bites. Geez. Talk about disturbing. I really do have a hard time forgiving my father. The way he treated mom makes me feel worthless somehow. Maybe I will go back to bed. It's only noon. I've got time.

ideal suicide, the

shelley asked where the household axe was, only to be told there wasn't one. "fine", she said, "where the fuck is the carving knife?". She already knew where it was.

in the kitchen. She without thinking chopped off her left hand at the mid wrist. Bleeding profusely she walked outside to the outdoor patio towards the back alley, stopping to hoist herself up and in to one of the four dumpsters surrounding her. Pausing to take in the smell of rotting food, piss, and car exhaust, she looked up to the sky and listened for a while, taking in the sound of distant sirens, the crying child at the far end of the apartment complex, and the homeless man in the alley spouting hatred and angst at himself and the silence that was his only confidante. Somewhat conscious of the fact that her last thought would be that she sympathized with that old rancid man, and that he was the only one that perhaps knew how she felt, she eased herself into the bulging garbage bags, took her truncated left appendage, still dripping blood, and, slightly light-headed, scooped up an ant that was crawling up her leg. She then focused on the carving knife still in her right hand, admiring how the blade reflected the moonlight. "wow, moon's almost full", she thought. She then without a sound or hesitance place he edge of the knife against her throat, pressed deep into the skin, and pulled it swiftly across her neck, severing her carotid artery. As she felt life oozing out of her in strong meaty pulses in sync with the slowing rhythm of her heart, she focused on the ant, still crawling up her left arm and the ranting of the lost soul in the alley way; and contemplated how she left part of herself behind, her left wrist and hand, in the apartment. "I guess it's a sort of apology", she thought. "haha, I hope they get it, but, knowing me, i mean knowing them they probably wont. life is funny, funny like a joke, or just funny like wierd, but either way, mine is over. finally. goodbye world. goodbye ant on my arm. goodbye moon. goodbye garbage. goodbye blood. goodbye struggle...goodbye...good..." as she lost consciousness, she welcomed the nothingness, the abyss, the letting go, and then, it was over.

They wouldn't find her until garbage day.

not a whole lot to work with

negative balances in all accounts
over the limit credit balances
irs debt in the amount of several thousand
student loans in neglect
utilities not paid in 5 months
rent check sent but not covered by checking account
cell phone bill due
income in the amount of 300 coming but not until the second week in october
no real job to help me
and no one to ask for help

I know a way but it's prohibited
and I'm supposed to be cool with this? ridiculous. maybe i could take my cello to a pawn shop.
It's no skin off my teeth to sell what I'm willing to give. this is so frustrating I'm suffocated before I even open my mouth to breathe. nothing makes you feel worthless like the inability to make money.

so today i'm looking for bullshit jobs. it's hard with a stapled up limping leg, but I guess I'll try anyway. I could keep trying and hope that somehow I'll be able to pay for school so that I can get a masters degree and move on with my life, or.....

I could erase my identity and start again in Bali or something... throw all of this bullshit away and take off with miss kitty and leave it all behind. tempting.

my life is fucked up at this point. alone alone alone. might as well live on the moon. maybe that's where I'll go. where you don't have to pay for your oxygen because there isn't any.

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ok now that the frustration and helplessness has been vented, lets turn back to hope and faith.

i will find a way to make money and take care of the most pressing things first. litle by little i will make progress on the debt and the life that I want. I will not hide my needs or my wants. I will not punish myself for feeling pain and for being stuck in the middle of a struggle. I will trust myself: my intellect, my will, my creativity and resilience. I will believe that I can succeed. ugh. it's kind of hard to get on board with the optimism.

whatever. Im going to get a job for now. I'm going to pick some OT programs and apply and enroll. i'm going to put my best efforts into the commitments currently on the calendar and not be paralyzed by fear or despondency. I will focus on love and count my own victory as a victory for life and all others in the world.

yeah. and I'll do my fucking taxes.

and I'll believe that there's some reason or purpose to keep going. yada yada yada you.

I am a child of God. God loves me. Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok.

where are you

where are you? where are You?
oh, there are.

I like the song Taxi Ride by Tori Amos... and most of the other songs on the album.

I'm glad your on my side.

I think I'm stuck a little.

a little... ha a lot.


Maybe i'm close to the point of accepting that this pain like your herniated disk is going to be here forever. for as long as I live. Maybe I'm getting there. maybe. I'm not really there. but here is my hope... supposedly it is an innate property of we souls incarnate... that is the peace and the love that comes from connection with the divine. I believe there is divinity in our world... I know, and you do to... there has to be something deeper than just walking around and talking and making money. I know because the only thing that brought me joy or any kind of fulfillment today was encouraging the new girl on the job and comforting her in her struggle, and giving love and genuine service to the shining souls in their old and smelly body machines coming for dinner at work. That is what made me feel real. Not my pretty dress or my makeup. So it's scarce these days. But nonetheless... I can't seem to find my way past this. And I don't even know what that would look like on me. I don't know what good it does to reach out and try to express, but I guess I just wish there was some way to

see u
or hear
and there's no way
no where
no body
So I get to sit here trapped in my existence trying to find out why I'm here.
It's not even that because it was that before you left.

It's more dealing with my own guilt I guess, and trying to believe that I am worth sticking it out, staying here. Is it? I don't know.

At this point Im over emotional and this is just pointless venting. I have too much inside me to make sense of or to be able to connect to anyone, which is why I am so isolated in my life. which is a big part of why i feel like you tore away my oxygen mask while we were finding our way through the depths of the ocean, and swam away to the surface with my only way to breathe. It's a little over the top but so are you. geez. obviously I need to meditate and calm down. ok so seperate from the emotions. regardless, i treasure the us that was. as flawed and truncated as it was.

so i guess I just keep on tripping all over my life and trying
and yes I will connect with the truth and the love and peace inherent in my soul.

you are beautiful
my best