not a whole lot to work with

negative balances in all accounts
over the limit credit balances
irs debt in the amount of several thousand
student loans in neglect
utilities not paid in 5 months
rent check sent but not covered by checking account
cell phone bill due
income in the amount of 300 coming but not until the second week in october
no real job to help me
and no one to ask for help

I know a way but it's prohibited
and I'm supposed to be cool with this? ridiculous. maybe i could take my cello to a pawn shop.
It's no skin off my teeth to sell what I'm willing to give. this is so frustrating I'm suffocated before I even open my mouth to breathe. nothing makes you feel worthless like the inability to make money.

so today i'm looking for bullshit jobs. it's hard with a stapled up limping leg, but I guess I'll try anyway. I could keep trying and hope that somehow I'll be able to pay for school so that I can get a masters degree and move on with my life, or.....

I could erase my identity and start again in Bali or something... throw all of this bullshit away and take off with miss kitty and leave it all behind. tempting.

my life is fucked up at this point. alone alone alone. might as well live on the moon. maybe that's where I'll go. where you don't have to pay for your oxygen because there isn't any.

---------------------------------------------------------

ok now that the frustration and helplessness has been vented, lets turn back to hope and faith.

i will find a way to make money and take care of the most pressing things first. litle by little i will make progress on the debt and the life that I want. I will not hide my needs or my wants. I will not punish myself for feeling pain and for being stuck in the middle of a struggle. I will trust myself: my intellect, my will, my creativity and resilience. I will believe that I can succeed. ugh. it's kind of hard to get on board with the optimism.

whatever. Im going to get a job for now. I'm going to pick some OT programs and apply and enroll. i'm going to put my best efforts into the commitments currently on the calendar and not be paralyzed by fear or despondency. I will focus on love and count my own victory as a victory for life and all others in the world.

yeah. and I'll do my fucking taxes.

and I'll believe that there's some reason or purpose to keep going. yada yada yada you.

I am a child of God. God loves me. Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok.