where are you

where are you? where are You?
oh, there are.

I like the song Taxi Ride by Tori Amos... and most of the other songs on the album.

I'm glad your on my side.

I think I'm stuck a little.

a little... ha a lot.


Maybe i'm close to the point of accepting that this pain like your herniated disk is going to be here forever. for as long as I live. Maybe I'm getting there. maybe. I'm not really there. but here is my hope... supposedly it is an innate property of we souls incarnate... that is the peace and the love that comes from connection with the divine. I believe there is divinity in our world... I know, and you do to... there has to be something deeper than just walking around and talking and making money. I know because the only thing that brought me joy or any kind of fulfillment today was encouraging the new girl on the job and comforting her in her struggle, and giving love and genuine service to the shining souls in their old and smelly body machines coming for dinner at work. That is what made me feel real. Not my pretty dress or my makeup. So it's scarce these days. But nonetheless... I can't seem to find my way past this. And I don't even know what that would look like on me. I don't know what good it does to reach out and try to express, but I guess I just wish there was some way to

see u
or hear
and there's no way
no where
no body
So I get to sit here trapped in my existence trying to find out why I'm here.
It's not even that because it was that before you left.

It's more dealing with my own guilt I guess, and trying to believe that I am worth sticking it out, staying here. Is it? I don't know.

At this point Im over emotional and this is just pointless venting. I have too much inside me to make sense of or to be able to connect to anyone, which is why I am so isolated in my life. which is a big part of why i feel like you tore away my oxygen mask while we were finding our way through the depths of the ocean, and swam away to the surface with my only way to breathe. It's a little over the top but so are you. geez. obviously I need to meditate and calm down. ok so seperate from the emotions. regardless, i treasure the us that was. as flawed and truncated as it was.

so i guess I just keep on tripping all over my life and trying
and yes I will connect with the truth and the love and peace inherent in my soul.

you are beautiful
my best