Take two

Ok.... so I take it back. I need some time with my very fondest deepest connecting moments, with my best friend. That would be Joseph Robert Lynn. I guess I am ready for today to be over. Not necessarily looking forward to tomorrow starting. I feel restricted and claustrophic and like I have no say or control. I can't be trusted to make my own decisions - I always end up fucking it up... so people that care about me try to step in and provide "structure" and "boundaries." I want to run far far away to some place where maybe it wont be a lifetime of effort and trial and error and struggle just to get to a functional place. ugh. That was me complaining. Nice to meet me. I dont need to be afraid. I need to just wake up tomorrow. Joe I'm trying so hard to keep hoping and trying and look to tomorrow. All that time I didn't realize that you had made up your mind. And I wish that I could of been a more positive healthy person. The kind of sad and pathetic thing is that I am every bit the mess I was back then, if not more. But see I always come back at myself with the thought that it might have been very very different if you were still here. So I'm letting go of remorse... it's negative and pointless - doesn't change anything. I am clinging to the you that I feel so incomplete without... the you that seeped creativity and intelligence from your pores... the guy who never stopped making poetry... whether the tool was a keyboard, a frisbee, drumsticks, a computer, some weird synth thing from the 60s, or a pen in your hand... whether during class or outside of it.... They guy who wrote little thoughts to me, your special girl in the margins of your class notes and was right there with me emotionally through so many hard times... they guy who tackled me with a kiss after having heard a song I wrote, the guy that makes my night if you show up randomly in a dream... See I only get see your face once every several months now... I always feel such gratitude to be reminded of your face. and today... because you were on my mind and I was cleaning out things... I came across some posthumous messages... and I was very encouraged. I like the idea of being me so much more when I remember you were part of my life. Pretty much all other times I'm not really feeling it.

There is definitely an uplifting, positive message, but the amazing brilliance of this song is that it could be uplifting for either someone who is relying the newness of tomorrow to continue living, or someone who knows that his tomorrow will be new in a much more drastic way, to which living is irrelevant. Either the comfort is to close the book knowing there will be another chapter, or the relief is that you won't ever have to read that book ever again!!!!

Which way am I reading it? Well , your way... which I can do because your decision and absence color everything I think, do, say, read... etc. Its like I am sensitive to observing your perspective at the same time as being obligated to oppose it... I "HAVE" to. j/k. Actually.. this song gives me peace big time. I do so love you, and I love it very much when you say things like that. Bottom line, why worry? It only prevents you from experiencing the present, like the setting of the sun or the rainfall that reminds us that there are simple, beautiful, reliable truths that will be there to help show us the way. Always. Always.

I love you Joe. Thanks for this. Thanks God. =)

A song by Joe Lynn:

There's a time

just when the

day breaks

The sun hits upon the fields

There's a sight that makes my mind race

A glimpse of polished steel;

The feel of mighty wheels

There's a girl

I know oh so well

She keeps my heart with tender loving care

There's a tale I've heard many tell

About a boy + girl and what they share

It's too much for one child to bear

I love the fields

I love the sun

I love when the day is done

I know there'll be a new one coming

I love the rain

I love the clouds

I love when the seasons change

I know there'll be a new one coming

There's a feel

That comes in the air

Just before it's about to pour

There was a time

When I didn't care

And called to the sky for more and more

It chilled my body to the core

And when the sun sets

I know the next day is on its way