Twelve OClock Tales

Take two

2011-08-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

Ok.... so I take it back. I need some time with my very fondest deepest connecting moments, with my best friend. That would be Joseph Robert Lynn. I guess I am ready for today to be over. Not necessarily looking forward to tomorrow starting. I feel restricted and claustrophic and like I have no say or control. I can't be trusted to make my own decisions - I always end up fucking it up... so people that care about me try to step in and provide "structure" and "boundaries." I want to run far far away to some place where maybe it wont be a lifetime of effort and trial and error and struggle just to get to a functional place. ugh. That was me complaining. Nice to meet me. I dont need to be afraid. I need to just wake up tomorrow. Joe I'm trying so hard to keep hoping and trying and look to tomorrow. All that time I didn't realize that you had made up your mind. And I wish that I could of been a more positive healthy person. The kind of sad and pathetic thing is that I am every bit the mess I was back then, if not more. But see I always come back at myself with the thought that it might have been very very different if you were still here. So I'm letting go of remorse... it's negative and pointless - doesn't change anything. I am clinging to the you that I feel so incomplete without... the you that seeped creativity and intelligence from your pores... the guy who never stopped making poetry... whether the tool was a keyboard, a frisbee, drumsticks, a computer, some weird synth thing from the 60s, or a pen in your hand... whether during class or outside of it.... They guy who wrote little thoughts to me, your special girl in the margins of your class notes and was right there with me emotionally through so many hard times... they guy who tackled me with a kiss after having heard a song I wrote, the guy that makes my night if you show up randomly in a dream... See I only get see your face once every several months now... I always feel such gratitude to be reminded of your face. and today... because you were on my mind and I was cleaning out things... I came across some posthumous messages... and I was very encouraged. I like the idea of being me so much more when I remember you were part of my life. Pretty much all other times I'm not really feeling it.

There is definitely an uplifting, positive message, but the amazing brilliance of this song is that it could be uplifting for either someone who is relying the newness of tomorrow to continue living, or someone who knows that his tomorrow will be new in a much more drastic way, to which living is irrelevant. Either the comfort is to close the book knowing there will be another chapter, or the relief is that you won't ever have to read that book ever again!!!!

Which way am I reading it? Well , your way... which I can do because your decision and absence color everything I think, do, say, read... etc. Its like I am sensitive to observing your perspective at the same time as being obligated to oppose it... I "HAVE" to. j/k. Actually.. this song gives me peace big time. I do so love you, and I love it very much when you say things like that. Bottom line, why worry? It only prevents you from experiencing the present, like the setting of the sun or the rainfall that reminds us that there are simple, beautiful, reliable truths that will be there to help show us the way. Always. Always.

I love you Joe. Thanks for this. Thanks God. =)

A song by Joe Lynn:

There's a time

just when the

day breaks

The sun hits upon the fields

There's a sight that makes my mind race

A glimpse of polished steel;

The feel of mighty wheels

There's a girl

I know oh so well

She keeps my heart with tender loving care

There's a tale I've heard many tell

About a boy + girl and what they share

It's too much for one child to bear

I love the fields

I love the sun

I love when the day is done

I know there'll be a new one coming

I love the rain

I love the clouds

I love when the seasons change

I know there'll be a new one coming

There's a feel

That comes in the air

Just before it's about to pour

There was a time

When I didn't care

And called to the sky for more and more

It chilled my body to the core

And when the sun sets

I know the next day is on its way

The end of these

2011-06-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

I have decided to move on from this blog, not that my stories of grief, elation, pain, bliss, frustration and wonder have ended. My journey continues. I choose to focus on a different aspect of life. It's the end of the last chapter of four years of a grief process, which will continue on for the rest of my life. Book 1 was the venting of a lifetime: somewhat self-indulgent in that I "could not" meaning would not control the passion that overcame me. Understandably so, this stuff is so hard. It hurts. It's confusing. I'm young and without clear guidance, positive energy, and consistent intentional actions it is impossible to conquer these things. But the love and help that I need is there. It is up to me to accept love. M talks about Joe being unable to receive the love that was being given him - the help that was being offered... he could not accept it while he was here, but he is learning how now in the astral world. I hope that this is true. And I want to learn to accept love and help here and now, so that I can be a good girl. If anyone has seen 127 hours, this movie speaks to this. Sometimes we get caught up in our own opinion of how strong and self-sufficient we "should" be, when really, we all need each other, and we all need God. We can't do everything on our own. It's okay to lean on someone else for a while, and learn to be strong. So I'm back in baby hummingbird mode, tiny and hungry, studying my heroes, learning how to sing with my wings and be a happy darting big hummingbird humming along from flower to flower helping myself and the world grow. I will begin a new blog.

I saw in a bathroom stall just last night a message from a friendly loving soul to me, and I give it now to you. Give it to someone else when you get a chance. We are all the same, together:

"There is still hope.
There is always hope."

That familiar hole inside of me

2011-05-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

I need
love
close
close-os-er
Closer
to me
I need you
the music of your soul
in my ears
the entirety of your
YOU-ness
all up in my world
and maybe what I
True-
ly
need
is a source
a solid ground of guidance and tender care
from her-him that which defines love
It's a connection to Mulungu
that triggers the letting go
Or perhaps just nutures it
i am not the world
i am not this visual representation of me
this version of me doesn't do justice to the
I'm not here
this is'nt happening
I only am drawn closer to
the LOVE
for which I am created
that matches exactly
to the "T"
like a puzzle piece
the void in me filled perfectly
in a blissful, satisfying
everything-in-it's-right-place
sort of
rightness.
As human
I understand this love as Mommy,
as SAFE,
as comfort and completeness -
a deep breath of needing nothing
it is a gentle answer to my WHY
rather I no longer have
Need for why
I only am
Life is in the surrendering of ALL
to that "IS".
Yes.
Yes.
Yes

"He who sparkles in your eyes, who lights the heavens and hides in the souls of all creatures is God, your Self."
- Siva Yogaswami of the Natha Sampradaya.

Day of Joe

2011-04-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today is your day
Joe is
You are
red vines and good times
sunshiny smiles and shimmering sounds
and love in my heart
in a long soft strong unwavering
beam

i'm for you today.

happy birthday joe.

Affirmation

2011-02-20T16:39:00.000-08:00

I am a sailboat
floating in an ocean of You
Filled with the Wind of Your Love
Blowing me on a path unknown
Illuminated with the light of Your Grace
And all that is good
All that I am
Every thing and Every where and Every one
All that I ever will need
Is right now
Right here

6:22 and counting

2010-12-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

All the words to this song
old
and also young
for someone else to hear and sing your
truth along
not right but
not completely wrong
always at least either
never neither
often each
this session will end in 3 fucking minutes

stream of consciousness. yeah mine is about the same rate as this piece of crap computer. i am grateful i am grateful

what battle am i fighting right now
don't even know
i guess fear is most defining over-arching
theme

don't know why i would be
not really afraid

just alone

where is all the love

see how can I fucking concentrate with a red blinking light in my face and
weakness

whatever

oh well

11/14/2010

2010-11-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

I can't see her apart from my eyes

The organ played an old friend to a song
In a long forgotten language of
Obsolete order
Absolute ardor
You would have heard it all

It was all ok, but glorious.
It was enough.
It was fullness,
looking for you.

Are
we
found
here?

Fictio

2010-10-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Why was I made this way?

Michelle looked at the reflection of herself from every possible angle, simultaneously constructing hypotheses and analyzing them from every angle. Any way she looked at it, things felt off somehow. Awkward. Wrong maybe? Perhaps arbitrary, fact is there she was in a somewhere and sometime, trying to figure out what kind of somebody she should be.

"It's a mystery", she thought with resignation and a shrug of her strong, almost masculine shoulders, and with that she turned away from the mirror and began to remove her clothes. When she was completely naked she sat down in the middle of the floor, hugging her knees and pondering the next burdensome question that had overshadowed her thoughts. "Am I ok? Is it ok to be me, this way?", she thought gently rocking back and forth. "It's obvious to me that there's a million things wrong with me, and there are so many people that probably wish I was perfecter in a lot of aspects, and I always try so hard to figure out what those aspects are and be what they want - cus that would be the best way to love them right? give them what they need.. or want? I guess I all the trying has turned out so many versions of me Michelle 1.0,1.3,2.3,and Michelle 7.0, that I really have no clue whats at the core of me. I mean what function am I supposed to perform? I mean what type of computer program am I? And what if it's lame? Ewwwww... scary...".

Michelle shut her eyes shut tight, as hard as she could, trying to imagine that she was invisible, or somehow undefined, existing only as the questions in her head and her passion for coloring rocks. Or the way she liked to capture all the littlest pretty things like a pretty blue piece of glass or a leaf in the shape of a heart, or the luminous fairy backside of a mother of pearl, and tuck it in her pocket to take it along like a little friend come to keep her company through the day. It always happened that somewhere later on down the line she would come across such a find, and spend some time thinking about why that wilted bendy leaf had been so dear to her, but it didn't matter because it still reminded her of love. "It's like getting a surprise present from yourself that you didn't even know about!", she said. Then she opened her eyes and immediately ten questions popped into her head:
xxxxxx

Man things are easier when you close your eyes and turn yourself into an idea...

RANDOM POETRY LOST AND FOUND
draft one: 1/?/10 draft two: 10/22

Nobody can hide from you
That one you know you are
Nobody can steal away your sway
or take the way you walk
so swagger like you when you can't break
through the face of time
As doubts arise and double vision blurs the line
Stand by you put your tag on
the molecules and let life follow
you to become you invented by
awake and refined by make
and no one can take it from you.

4/30
Like a
grassy covered
empty lot
in a crowded city
graffiti colors offsetting
the natural

a deep breath
and let the next
moment
pass

dreams

2010-09-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

Natalie awoke to a half-lit overcast dawn sky and the sound of her boyfriend, Will, coming to bed. She opened her eyes wider and coughed, "what time is it?", she asked. "oh, um, six o'clock". He said it as if he was reluctant to tell her the truth. She let a puff of air out in a sort of incredulous or sardonic laugh and turned back over. As he lay his head next to her she could smell alcohol in his sweat and his breath. She could tell he was tired. She tried to put her finger on why she felt annoyed, but couldn't figure it out and, realizing that she missed him and longed to feel him hold her close, she reached over and took his arm, pulling it around her. As she faded back into the realm of dreams she half-debated with herself that she may as well get up if its six already, get an early start on the day... The impulse was all too easy to ignore.

Suddenly she was in her childhood home. Her siblings were there, her father was making something in the kitchen. Vaguely aware that she was dreaming she thought, this is odd, we are here as if it were 15 years ago, but still our old ages of the present. Mom and dad are 60, dad vibrant and youthful, mom staggering with every painful arthritic step. - But something was different. She looked closer at her mother to see a protruding belly that could only represent a pregnancy. Her mother doubled over in pain. "It's coming," she said, "I need to lie down". Oh my God, mom's in labor. at 60 years old?. Without even a blink of the eye or any kind of recognition of her pain or condition, Natalie's father continued on with his meal while she escorted her mother to the bedroom to lie down. As her mother growned in pain she heard her father put on some rock n' roll and turn the volume up. "Jesus, everyone in the neighborhood could hear that. Doesn't he care that mom needs help?".

She tried massaging her mom's back to no avail. She ran a bath for her hoping the warm water would relax her muscles. This is ridiculous. Why am I dreaming this? She finally went into the kitchen to confront her father about his callousness. Her plea was met only with disdain, and when she pushed harder, incredulous that he appeared to enjoy her pain she got a sharp slap in the face. He now thought of her as being on the enemy side. She knew she would have to help her mother alone. It did nothing but increase her anger, and she stared filled with contempt towards him, before walking out of the room. Her mom was doing no better, convinced now that she needed to get to a hospital quick. Natalie somehow knew that she would deliver a dead baby. Frustrated at her helplessness to make anything work or fix anything she looked up at the ceiling, feeling the acute pain and nothingness of being completely alone. And then, she woke up.

It was lighter outside. What time is it now? The boys are still passed out. I'm going to get up. She walked into the kitchen. Her mind still on her dream she half-heartedly started throwing away the beer cans that littered the counters. The majority of them had been barely touched. She saved those ones, putting them in the fridge for later as she wondered at the forgetfulness of the guys. "Why would they forget about the beer they were drinking and just open up a new one..." she murmured to herself. "ridiculous". She made some coffee and pulled the ice cream out of the freezer, thinking about her dream while she ate a few bites. Geez. Talk about disturbing. I really do have a hard time forgiving my father. The way he treated mom makes me feel worthless somehow. Maybe I will go back to bed. It's only noon. I've got time.

ideal suicide, the

2010-09-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

shelley asked where the household axe was, only to be told there wasn't one. "fine", she said, "where the fuck is the carving knife?". She already knew where it was.

in the kitchen. She without thinking chopped off her left hand at the mid wrist. Bleeding profusely she walked outside to the outdoor patio towards the back alley, stopping to hoist herself up and in to one of the four dumpsters surrounding her. Pausing to take in the smell of rotting food, piss, and car exhaust, she looked up to the sky and listened for a while, taking in the sound of distant sirens, the crying child at the far end of the apartment complex, and the homeless man in the alley spouting hatred and angst at himself and the silence that was his only confidante. Somewhat conscious of the fact that her last thought would be that she sympathized with that old rancid man, and that he was the only one that perhaps knew how she felt, she eased herself into the bulging garbage bags, took her truncated left appendage, still dripping blood, and, slightly light-headed, scooped up an ant that was crawling up her leg. She then focused on the carving knife still in her right hand, admiring how the blade reflected the moonlight. "wow, moon's almost full", she thought. She then without a sound or hesitance place he edge of the knife against her throat, pressed deep into the skin, and pulled it swiftly across her neck, severing her carotid artery. As she felt life oozing out of her in strong meaty pulses in sync with the slowing rhythm of her heart, she focused on the ant, still crawling up her left arm and the ranting of the lost soul in the alley way; and contemplated how she left part of herself behind, her left wrist and hand, in the apartment. "I guess it's a sort of apology", she thought. "haha, I hope they get it, but, knowing me, i mean knowing them they probably wont. life is funny, funny like a joke, or just funny like wierd, but either way, mine is over. finally. goodbye world. goodbye ant on my arm. goodbye moon. goodbye garbage. goodbye blood. goodbye struggle...goodbye...good..." as she lost consciousness, she welcomed the nothingness, the abyss, the letting go, and then, it was over.

They wouldn't find her until garbage day.

not a whole lot to work with

2010-09-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

negative balances in all accounts
over the limit credit balances
irs debt in the amount of several thousand
student loans in neglect
utilities not paid in 5 months
rent check sent but not covered by checking account
cell phone bill due
income in the amount of 300 coming but not until the second week in october
no real job to help me
and no one to ask for help

I know a way but it's prohibited
and I'm supposed to be cool with this? ridiculous. maybe i could take my cello to a pawn shop.
It's no skin off my teeth to sell what I'm willing to give. this is so frustrating I'm suffocated before I even open my mouth to breathe. nothing makes you feel worthless like the inability to make money.

so today i'm looking for bullshit jobs. it's hard with a stapled up limping leg, but I guess I'll try anyway. I could keep trying and hope that somehow I'll be able to pay for school so that I can get a masters degree and move on with my life, or.....

I could erase my identity and start again in Bali or something... throw all of this bullshit away and take off with miss kitty and leave it all behind. tempting.

my life is fucked up at this point. alone alone alone. might as well live on the moon. maybe that's where I'll go. where you don't have to pay for your oxygen because there isn't any.

---------------------------------------------------------

ok now that the frustration and helplessness has been vented, lets turn back to hope and faith.

i will find a way to make money and take care of the most pressing things first. litle by little i will make progress on the debt and the life that I want. I will not hide my needs or my wants. I will not punish myself for feeling pain and for being stuck in the middle of a struggle. I will trust myself: my intellect, my will, my creativity and resilience. I will believe that I can succeed. ugh. it's kind of hard to get on board with the optimism.

whatever. Im going to get a job for now. I'm going to pick some OT programs and apply and enroll. i'm going to put my best efforts into the commitments currently on the calendar and not be paralyzed by fear or despondency. I will focus on love and count my own victory as a victory for life and all others in the world.

yeah. and I'll do my fucking taxes.

and I'll believe that there's some reason or purpose to keep going. yada yada yada you.

I am a child of God. God loves me. Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok.

where are you

2010-09-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

where are you? where are You?
oh, there are.

I like the song Taxi Ride by Tori Amos... and most of the other songs on the album.

I'm glad your on my side.

I think I'm stuck a little.

a little... ha a lot.

Maybe i'm close to the point of accepting that this pain like your herniated disk is going to be here forever. for as long as I live. Maybe I'm getting there. maybe. I'm not really there. but here is my hope... supposedly it is an innate property of we souls incarnate... that is the peace and the love that comes from connection with the divine. I believe there is divinity in our world... I know, and you do to... there has to be something deeper than just walking around and talking and making money. I know because the only thing that brought me joy or any kind of fulfillment today was encouraging the new girl on the job and comforting her in her struggle, and giving love and genuine service to the shining souls in their old and smelly body machines coming for dinner at work. That is what made me feel real. Not my pretty dress or my makeup. So it's scarce these days. But nonetheless... I can't seem to find my way past this. And I don't even know what that would look like on me. I don't know what good it does to reach out and try to express, but I guess I just wish there was some way to

see u
or hear
and there's no way
no where
no body
So I get to sit here trapped in my existence trying to find out why I'm here.
It's not even that because it was that before you left.

It's more dealing with my own guilt I guess, and trying to believe that I am worth sticking it out, staying here. Is it? I don't know.

At this point Im over emotional and this is just pointless venting. I have too much inside me to make sense of or to be able to connect to anyone, which is why I am so isolated in my life. which is a big part of why i feel like you tore away my oxygen mask while we were finding our way through the depths of the ocean, and swam away to the surface with my only way to breathe. It's a little over the top but so are you. geez. obviously I need to meditate and calm down. ok so seperate from the emotions. regardless, i treasure the us that was. as flawed and truncated as it was.

so i guess I just keep on tripping all over my life and trying
and yes I will connect with the truth and the love and peace inherent in my soul.

you are beautiful
my best

your rethra Arethra

2010-08-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

yeah well I hope it works out for everyone

I really do

well ok

any way it works out it will be working out... so there

maybe it doesn't matter which way

I'm here for a time. I'll do my best while I can stand the up and down and the fighting and gauging and analyzing that goes on. honestly I'm fucking tired of trying to convince myself this is worth the struggle. but it's cool. it's already been determined that I can't trust my feelings, my head really. there's reason somewhere in there that can be maybe function independently from my moods and feelings and other thoughts that wage war against my system. How much of this have I brought on myself? A lot probably. How long before I can find some kind of equilibrium?

It's exhausting. Somebody out there. . . the loneliest hurting soul in pain... you are the one I send my love. I look you in the eyes and love you with every pathetic hurting inch of my heart, you are not alone. we are not alone. though it feels it.

this is me trying to make my own attempts at self persuasion worth something... persuade you too to keep trying. i've made it through 27 years of mediocrity and seasick how are yous so might as well see how the next 30... i think there were some moments of flight...i can never remember how that felt what was it? what was it? gimme that gimme that... i can't hold it, jesus I can't hold on to this....

impossible

2010-08-14T00:46:00.000-07:00

they say that every situation is workable.

well ok

but it's hard to see

More of the same

2010-08-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

Choosing to live takes so much persistence and patience. and other "ences". I know it's not supposed to be easy. duh. its just that for me in particular it seems to hurt so much to keep the struggle going on. All i can do is lean on the mercy of Love. the love-force that makes up whatever God is and the simple faith that there is a reason I am here. I'm often at the end of my rope when it comes to life. That doesn't seem right. I think the fact that I'm still here, still trying says something. Honestly when I look at the things I have felt and dealt with and honestly evaluate how I experience life - I am proud of myself. I haven't really done anything great or notable, and in my mind the mistakes seem multitudinous. But I have at least persevered up until now. My present and my future are shrouded in confusion. If only I could FEEL deeply the meaning and the purpose for continuing. I truly am inspired by the practice of meditation and Kriya yoga and the departure from physical/material sensations... I think that could help me - cus maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on feelings.

I think right now I'm just tired. All I can do is my best. A little bit better everyday.

There are so many suffering people out in the world... Perhaps my own suffering can help me grow compassion for others. For one special hurting woman in particular I send out the vibrating energy of acceptance and love and peace. Let our minds be strengthened to choose the good and not the bad. I am going to practice that myself now with calming my mind, slowing down... calmness leads to peace leads to joy and love and all that we would ever need. I wish I could ease the hurt somehow. Mine and yours.

So right now I concentrate on the things to be noted - reasons for gratitude - the wind in Hawaii is so beautiful. Warm and sweet smelling and slightly moist. The love and hope that has come as a windfall continues and is the same despite challenges and fear and I am exceedingly grateful. How blessed I am by love that needs only to be identified and accepted to be felt. Tyler and I have seen many rainbows caused by just the right amounts of light and rain. I am at peace. I am at peace. Just to live to the end of each day as right as I can... that is all that is required.

Love to all
truly

random writings

2010-06-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

HAIKUS

your laughter
sour sardines in my head
Me hablo Ingles

there's the beat
face silhouettes
frosted light

Poetry at work

2010-06-14T20:47:00.001-07:00

June 14 2010
THE WORD OF THE DAY

A new word for every day
a sound to keep the thoughts at bay
my choice to chase the dogs away
and run
I will
to kiss the sun
Embrace the life of now and then, body suits
and beauty therein - Today
is TRAJECTORY
to the freedom space above the clouds
flown on the lift force of love and affirmation to
answer the distant call from the new horizon

and I see myself there in time
for happy hour
captured by the truth
of you and me and
unity and the path (of trajectory) is the goal
the journey is all
for the strength of my soul
and the joy of "GO!"

LIVE!!!! that is all that is required.

JUNE 13
VERNA

While at work attending to a guest
I see the whole world
Bursting with microcosmic honesty
all wrapped up amidst her wrinkles
and shining out her eyes

with a piercing truth a lifetime
in a moment lost at sea
I offer her a menu
She shares some buoyancy

I love how in E.E. Cummings poems you get two for the price of one... three even, you can read it without the parenthesis, you can read it with, and you can even read only the parenthesis...

vilmorin wrote a poem about flowers from an anoymous giver... using the imagery of footsteps in the sand as an analogy for love lost, love hoped for... flowers flung from the parenthesis of a step she says...

I wish there was no sickness or death in the world. here's love to my sister in the hospital and my mom nearing the end of her autumn.

and to all my enemies and friends too.

Sometimes you have to let everything fall apart...

2010-05-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

A song called Trim by Underworld

He-he-heat in your skin pull up a chair and unwind
Dog we don't share the taxi left us behind
Silhouette of a psychic reader in the market
And the straw wrapped around a bottle to take home

Barbecue chicken oil in a drum double strong wrong
Here comes the horn you call for
Woman in a box with her head in her box
Speaks French when spoken like a tourist French

Hey classic Coca-Cola in a can
When you wanna cool down

Heat she move up the street in waves
Sugar sugar clear your mind leave it all behind
Get in the boat and float join in on a high spot
And ride ride put on some smile stay for awhile

I think the poetry of Underworld is fascinating. Imagery and pretty sounding combinations of words... painting portraits of moments... taking ordinary things and noticing and putting them to words, people in the supermarket and broken fences and stuff. I see so many things that are poetic... tragic and joyful and life-full... the homeless woman collapsed in front of the Metro escalator, unresponsive and leaking, the sun turning the buildings into mirrors, augmenting the city, framing it in such a manageable way, the young man that lifts my spirits with a song on the accordion as I ride exhausted to home, feeling lost and somehow finding myself just a little in the notes, the little black boy not yet required to be self-aware doing michael jackson moves as he follows his father down he sidewalk, the shirtless and most likely insane but blissful man wading through the fountain, the obviously sad wife who seems so full of pain as her wealthy lawyer husband passes me a tip, the sight of my own scars and trying to find my way out of that horrible alone feeling...

anyway, i think it's amazing that they are so much more than an electronic band or guys that know how to use computers... they do something powerful with their music.

I want to do something powerful. I feel some kind of pressure to be working off Joe's Karma. like the only way I can keep loving him or make up for not loving him right before is by loving myself and keeping on to try and work and blah blah blah. But I know its a lot more than that. I think sometimes things still get to me that's all. And I wish I was little again and could talk to my mom and believe she could help me. and I wish I could talk to him. and I want to somehow share or be with his family and stuff and I cant and it's frustrating. I just have to keep on. Sleep will help I'm sure.

I must say it thrills me to see the sunrise every once and a while. And I long to share love with everyone. It's ok that I don't know exactly how. I believe in love and maybe that's enough for now. It make seem like everything else is going to pieces, but sometimes you just have to let everything fall apart.

setting things straight at two thirghty-eight

2010-05-10T02:31:00.000-07:00

ok i have six minutes to get it out
six

really bottom line
I have nothing to fear

It comes back to me
and decisions

but maybe you all don't see the same things
as me

that makes it a little more lonely
but

sucky sucky sup
i can go it alone too

not like i haven't before
there's always the tried and true
like you
and if anyone cares to do right
they do
far and few for sure
but there they are
and then we all pass it on to the next soul in need

but fuck
might as well just figure this out alone
anybody else just seems to eventually
um
clash
rrrrrrrrr
crash
rrrrrrrrrrrr
frictify
i don't know.

sad i guess...

but, I accept. i guess that's fine
what I expected really.

night folks

athena's demise incorporated

2010-05-10T00:55:00.000-07:00

well

im tired of tossing and turning

chapter, oh no... epilogue

Damn it's been a while since I've seen the colbert report. =( This is sad. I have to say, he picked a fucking awesome ben and jerry's ice cream flava flave to put his name on.

I have a shit load to get done this week, a lot of things to be well rested for, and a lot of hours to catch up on... but shits on my mind. kinda sucks. and maybe I just wish I was at home. I gotta stay me.

even if no one the fuck really understands.

I'll play something good. At least i'm good for that.

peace

you are my menstrual cramps said the lion

2010-05-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

this lady
i know visits her worst fears
fosters her sad tears
indulges her Self in base moods and emotions
longing to be free but feeling
entitled to sympathy and exempt from responsibility
and get this, she's angry at me
that I can't fix anything
which comes around to
give me
a pain in the ass
like heart burn from feeding my face with grease
she is my menstrual cramps

You Menstrual Cramp! You bloody cub killer
How dare you threaten the integrity,
the purity of my love and my family?
The carnal frame of me LONGS
to defend my pride with
PHYSICALITY!!!!
To give credence to the power i feel
to illustrate my banal feeling with violence.
If I were the lion I would do more
than parade around and
make a show of my superiority
I would deep-sink my teeth in after
SCREAGASMING my vengeful vitality
so that the whole desert and God himself can hear my passion
My outrageous offender
you will not eat in my territory
you will not threaten my future
I defeat, I win long before you retreat
for your every act is rooted in fear.

I am not a lion.
I am a soul all wrapped up and in demo launch
testing all the circuits of this weird body i'm wearing.
Neither am I a stuck in the mud wilder-beast
succumbing to the hackling hyenas
that rip ruby-dripping mouthfuls of my flesh,
eating me alive as I slowly
surrender my life and accept defeat.
I am a mind and a soul possessing unbelievable power not yet realized.
It is this power, this strength of mind and will to love,
to choose only good thoughts
that will win
that will love you
even when you hurt me
and so change your damage - your negativity and inconsiderate
self-minded thrashing
into good.

tonglen

2010-04-30T22:43:00.000-07:00

i just want to run
to the water
to your arms
to some comfort
and there is some in love
but there's pain
and I'm not afraid to feel it

I'll follow her example
that sweet mother
and turn all the pain
to compassion
and love
and hope that all beings
be free

Venting - the girlfriend of my friend experience

2010-04-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

How bout give this some time beotch:

you don't fucking know what the hell I do and continue to believe shit about me that you have basically made up in your head. I truly do not understand and I'm over it. you acted like you wanted to fuck up my relationship after feigning support and getting me to divulge sensitive information, time after time saying "i don't judge, i don't judge, you can be honest with me hilary". Then you refuse to believe me when I tell you of mt decision. Then you continue to hear things in an imaginitive but negative and mean light. It's ridiculous!!! Be honest with yourself and don't be afraid of what you find within you. I do the same. I can't keep arguing my point when I have assessed and found that I am erroneous. If you were trying to break us up or make him hate me it didn't work. I don't understand why would go to such lengths to do that- that is so completely malicious and insidious and just fucked up.

I thought you were a kind person. I liked you. Now it seems like you are preoccupied and consumed with your own interests, and that is the source of all suffering. That is what is causing your suffering right now, which is indirectly causing my suffering. Try PLEASE to see that there is a world greater than yourself. a bigger picture. And you have the choice to promote the good rather than this BULLSHIT.

I feel sorry for you.

I feel hurt.

I don't understand your approach, and frankly don't need to be abused in my relationships by someone who intelligently warps things and cares more about WINNING before trying for mutual peace and compromise. You will make a phenomenal lawyer.I have so much compassion for you cus it seems like you've been though a lot. Don't fucking abuse me just because that's how you learned to deal with your relationships.

Whatevers clever.

just ouch girl. imma having to put time in to recover from this bullshit and that seems wack. that's all. I will meditate and focus on forgiving and letting go. I've never been treated this way.It's strange coming from someone who is intellectually gifted but so fucking dense in relationship-wise. *******************************

not to end on that note but to end: I still continue to focus on LOVE, TRUTH, COMPASSION, FORGIVENESS, ALL the GOOD in the world.

It's a beautiful day. I have beautiful people in my life. T, B, J, E, D, M, S, all these beautiful people with god inside of them. God help me find you.

makesenseIwishIhad

2010-04-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

I guess Im not the sort of person to turn around and fucking hitchike because turbulance is a possibility of. fear threatens always. as much as i desire a smooth ride i think id rather see your face sooner. and id rather order my vodka tonic and ill hold it in my hand if its gonna slopify on the tray because of the bumps in the sky road. i miss the power of you and your freedom. I dont want to be all thinking all the time and surveying the land beneath my jumping path. i want to jump into love. no i want to inhabit and radiate love always regardless of anything - oh yeah, that word is irregardless... hee hee. fuk it. i'm here. i'm queer. i'm near to you. and we're gonna find out what happens.

claiborne lives.

Requiem it up Verdi, damn

2010-04-04T16:38:00.000-07:00

I all of a sudden
remembered

I love to be part of the
good sounds
all of them
loud and soft
and sad and angry
and lovely
I like to be part of
the music
part of the expression
of the world
of us

So onwards then...

the pain, the love, the light

2010-03-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

i'm going to get back to the bravery

i am not afraid to feel i guess. it's easier not to, but it denies the beauty and all the glorious mysteries that for some reason I know, I am convinced make up the "big picture". There is a big picture. And it's bigger then myself. It's such a crushing and bittersweet release to humble myself... to lessen the importance of me in my world feeling ok and getting somewhere, to acknowledge my insignificance and my ignorance.

so then what do I believe in?

I watch me go left and right, pacing the hours away, lost in my own fight, trying to make sense of things and redeem the night, and it's too busy to hear the music in the air, too loud to receive whats already there, and i move faster and try harder
and then you pin me down to prove there is a truth

it's in the stillness

like when you can't see the stars because
you're afraid to turn off the flashlight and
be alone in the dark

but really they have more light to give
than what i get from the push of a button

always shining even when i can't see

ohhhh gratitude... that's all.

It's simple, but not necessarily easy

2010-02-11T21:50:00.000-08:00

Things are never what they seem to be
one thing might mean a thousand things
to me I can't ever say and seem to
you a simple truth, are you sure
yeah I'm sure
son you aint sure of nothin

Because there is no perfect
crosstitch seam to give a "should"
to mark where my world stops
and yours begins

its all one
and you could easily be me
see it through my history but we're
not necessarily any closer to clarity
we keep trying to find some kind of magic key
and really you are
the rest of me

Talk to you

2010-01-31T02:54:00.000-08:00

I love you
I love your brain
I love your heart
I love your body
I love you soul
hey - maybe that's you calling =)
talk to you

Paintings of order
and shape and sun between the
buildings, structures holding us
keeping us safe with patterns
of systematic living

I miss you every single day

I know
you're here
in different ways

the things we choose
only wanting not to lose, all the limits you dream
when you put on your vertigo shoes

well I want to hear the whispers
i'll keep my eyes open
don't worry babe
you know there's nothing to lose

Faith in the freedom of my soul to will and choose, the will to change my thoughts, the thoughts to affirm my faith.

2010-01-21T21:00:00.000-08:00

out of the power of thought every worthwhile accomplishment is born

Even if circumstances or inner resistance obstruct your efforts to change, you can assert your soul’s freedom to choose what is for your highest good. You need not rely on yourself alone.

I have so much to change. I must free myself of the entitled demanding of pleasure and comfort. Ridiculous. sigh. I will just keep working on it.

I suppose I shall just focus on the love.

Your happiness my happines

2010-01-16T00:15:00.000-08:00

And she just gets so happy
whenyou
breathe yours

you could tell
he was so
everyone loves
and of course
we live the same
life today and then
tomorrow afternightt
will beat the same light pattern

see. we ARE beautiful. The shadow of a sundial.
Each space full of it's own time and reaching further
in fearless generosity

and then she gets to
trip and dance and twirl
across the the bridge of our fervor
and when would we be
without
her forgetting

spinning
a second to hold us all
in the same breath
in the same reason
in the same love

Abundance

2010-01-14T15:14:00.001-08:00

My first not so positive thoughts this morning were erased and replaced by love after seeing texts from my dear friend reminding me of love, and listening to a voicemail from my Emmy singing a pretty happy birthday to me, telling me she was going to do everything for me today. Walking the dogs for me. Taking them to doggy school for me. Eating a baked potato for me. She's cute.

At this point of my story, I accept the details of my reality, i value my reality, and i appreciate the lessons that i am to learn in order to progress. Love and beauty abound in mysterious ways, available for discovery and acknowledgement. There are many questions to ask, and a world of choices to make. There is meaning to my little corner of the world, a reason for my unique experience of humanity. I have to build my dream, but when I do my dream is now. The whole planet and universe stirs at the aspirations enabled by a hopeful imagination. Excitement replaces the need for the comfortable or familiar. My general goal in life is not to attain some kind of status, financial security or affluence, superiority, notoriety, and it is not to do or be something big or make an extreme contribution to the world, and it is not to follow some conventional life milestone road map and hit each checkpoint: College-check. Spouse-Check. Career-check. House-check. Child/family-check...etc. The goal, the point of all this is only the development of my consciousness.
Every difficulty contains the key to the growth of my wisdom and joy. Resistance to these challenges only blinds me from the beauty that connects it all. I will remember to sail the skies to reach the distant suns... a new perspective, an alternate view cleared by the threatening winds... and I see new skylines.

Stand on hills of long forgotten yesterdays
Pass amongst your memories told returning ways
As certain as we walk today
Press over moments leaving you
Out in the city running free
Days pass as seconds turn the key
The strength of the moment lies with you
Out tender outward lights of you
Shine over mountains make the view
The strength of you seeing lies with you

Other thoughts - I took my shower around 12:30 pm, because I slept in. My mind was focused on glass half full affirmations, and choosing positivity encouragement. and all of a sudden Joe comes to mind, and I burst into tears... this wasn't good because I was in the process of shaving my legs. I'm used to this. Random waves of emotion. It feels good in a way - at least if I'm clear headed... But it's just hard to not think what things would be like if he was still here. Maybe he'd be here with me, maybe he'd just call me. His voice and sweet little heart would make me so happy. A day like my birthday, requiring a kind of recognition and reinstatement of my identity... it automatically includes the past two years. It's hard. I accept I accept. I will learn this painful lesson for the sake of what is good. It's beautiful to me today - it's lovely to love me and my life... and to love someone that left me so much. It's like he's part of me so celebrating my birthday includes celebrating knowing him and fighting to survive the separation of death. I die and am reborn with each thought of him, and the subsequent calm deep breathing and the "tonglen" breath... the sending out love and compassion to all the hurting people. I miss you Joe. I love you. Thanks for loving me. I'll feel it forever cus you did such a darn good job, straight up mr man style.

All right, so I am full of what is good and worthy of hope and love.

I will sea i mean see the ocean today.

I will be conscious. I will see life in abundance around and in me. It's all about the love.

The circles - 1/6/2010

2010-01-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

All I want is to stand
beneath the moon
and wonder and smile
and sing

I have nothing to fear.
I have many things to love.

Last year was no longer than this moment
and, if I listen I can hear the ocean
that breathed outside my window long ago in steady rhythm
to steal away my mind in motion and wash my worries
out to sea

as if to say to me as I toss here restlessly:
though it may seem trivial, this moment is no more brief
nor less sacred than tomorrow

So the pain panic rests in a deep breath of stillness
this sighing song sings the ebb and flow
sounds the inhale, exhale of life and death
in perfect embrace

like a starfish watching the come and go
waiting for the tide
letting the passing moments pass
holding on till it's time to let go

There is no need

2009-12-31T03:39:00.000-08:00

to explain

There is no need

to explain

There is no need

for anything precious or common

There is no need

to postpone

or rush

I need to choose

I love the sky at night.

Wow

2009-12-28T00:45:00.000-08:00

2009-12-22T14:49:00.001-08:00

I"M SORRY EVERYONE

I'M FUCKING IMPATIENT

2009-12-22T14:25:00.001-08:00

somebody

please be out there'

please convince me that it will be right
it's good

it's right to end my life.

it's ok.

is it ok that I wish not to see the beginning of a new year?

that I want to see one person, one soul

that I want to fly

please be ok.

I might be crazy, but i don't care

And I won't tell you

for fear that you'll think me crazy

not that it matters

cmon you all fuckin wish you could end your lives

and you don't

and you're hankering to see the person who's
willing to pull the trigger
or jump

I'm going to name the child I have in my next life
ladder
chair
skydive
pooponyourface
joyeatspuke
joysmellslikevaginaanushole
deathissweet
fuckyou

See?

2009-12-11T17:51:00.000-08:00

yeah I can't even go there... I look at your smile in the pictures in my head and I - damn - you know there's nothing I can say right now. I can't articulate it... and it doesn't matter. It's just how many times can you say you miss someone so much, how many times can you just want and pray and plead that things are different than what they are... It's silly.

All I know is that love in the entire wholistic sense of the world... the most broadest and all encompassing definition... love is worth life.

I just love my friend Joe. And hey... I'm glad that this is my life if only because of the craziness and calamity and sorrow.. and of course wonder and spontaneity and love... I'm just glad that I had such an amazing person in my life. It sucks that he's not here now. I can't toss all these thoughts and stuff around in my head right now... I just feel a very powerful love for all the basic true soul centered honest lovely people that are forgiving and compassionate and willing to love. And that's Joe.

Whatever... right now every word that comes out seems so lame and lacking... weak. So I will just go out into the rainy coolness and feel what I feel and look up into the sky and focus on the beauty and love that I still feel and that I feel I will have for my whole existence forever for the rest of my life... and that's what is beautiful. I feel him close to me all the time because of that... because this is me in my life.

wierd.

making sense is not coming so easily right now...

time to go home.

I love.

"Tenderness comse from pain" - Sade

ignorance

2009-12-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

Here's a question.

why is global warming causing freezing record-low temperatures?

we should call it global warming and colding.

actually there is a scientific factual reason behind this - I know - climate change was one of my GE classes... but who cares about science? It's not all that relevant to me in my vehicle-less - foraging for crumbs - either the mean or the cute guy gets the worm - disorganized - do you love me? - do I love you? - paycheck to paycheck crazy world. And my reality is only based on what is relevent to me. Like, lookee here - my mom is cold all you global warming peeps. get it together. for reals! I'm tired of this piddling around accumulating soda cans in our backyard, speed showering, waterless toothbrushing, no running through the sprinkler, no shaving cream or refrigerators or laminated name tags crap. I don't see any kind of positive turnaround trend... Why don't you think up some kind of global central air system? it's not that hard. just do it the same as in a house, but in the whole world.

ah but no one listens to little old me anyway.

you know it's freezing cold all up and down the coast... probably across the nation. So we can all pretend it's bringing us together if you want. Kinda like the holocaust brought people together. See? There is a happy face on one side of every coin. The face might be sort of mockingly smiling at you,, or smirk-smiling but hey - he's smiling. ("By the way why are there no American coins with a woman on it? are there no coin-worthy women in our history?? c'mon! I know there are no women presidents yet, but maybe we need to broaden the pool to include just generally cool people. My new goal is to kick Abe off the penny").

It's sad - even when Bush made us all start warring and stuff I still had to go work and make money. No prison camps or gas chambers for me... no desperate and profound clarification of the meaning of life. It's not fair. I might as well settle further into the soft bubble of ignorance, capture insignificant fleeting moments on my iphone and wait until I die from hyperstimulation.

Happy Monday everybody.

Midnight

2009-11-24T18:38:00.001-08:00

at once both the ending and the beginning, a moment
so long and so fast I can see myself in it
frozen in infinite suspension

This is my midnight
It’s dark and my eyes are tired from seeking the sacred
that lies at the core of the mundane

I think I dreamt that moment came and went
and while I slept I missed the silent passing
The death of today becoming the birth of tomorrow

I suppose I could be dreaming still
waiting for a sign that morning
will come with a warmth well worth the wait

If so, then,
when I dream I’m awake
it will be to the endless soft sound of now

like the hush
of my hand on your skin
Like the rolling wave of wind

chasing itself across the desert
like snow
falling on snow

Won't You Take Me Home

2009-11-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

Yes I know

I know it feels like you're going crazy... but that's all in your head.

But isn't my head where crazy comes from? I mean... hello. It is all in my head, and that's exactly the problem.

Well this isn't really crazy. It's more like succumbing. I dislike myself for my inability to jump straight to proactive positivity, optimism, accomplishing something amazing.

You really need to lower your standards. You are accomplishing amazing things. Like managing to not follow the footsteps to the shadows to the dense nowhere to the vast nothing on the other side... You are somehow still here, and happy sometimes, and energetic sometimes, and if it weren't for just wanting so much, and wanting to be so much, you would be averagely above average. Whatever. That's not really whats on my mind.

Well spit it out then.

I'm trying. Maybe I don't really know all the words to articulate the complexity of what I feel.

Maybe it's not necessary to articulate it.

Well how can I understand it if I can't articulate it?

HMMMM. I guess just be more like an animal. You know, when a horse goes blind, or when a dog gets arthritis or a bad hip or something... even if it was because of some other being's action or lack therof, they don't feel all sorts of feelings about it. They definitely don't blog for hours about it. They don't feel sorry for themselves, or have to go to therapy to get over their resentment issues. Emily told me that. Of course they want to feel better, but they don't feel sad for their own pain. They may experience post-traumatic stress or whatever or have fear and stuff. I guess plenty of dogs have had to go to Cesar Milans dog rehab center for fear issues or whatever. I don't know.

Yeah, well I was in the elevator today with the fedex guy, and I was thinking about how we're people but we're really just animals. He has a body, I have a body. These body things have the same functions, some of them smelly, some of them annoying, some of them stigmatized... that just seems so silly when you realize you are just an animal. The only difference is intelligence manifested in the ability to speak - to articulate or think our thoughts in words rather than instinctualized actions. (that and the debated existence of a soul). So why would I let a thing like language seperate me from my nature as just another organism so much that I experience fear and shame and self loathing, jealousy, anger, and the entire spectrum of wierd feelings to the point where I battle unwillingness to live? It's ridiculous. Why can't I be content simply to live? You would never see a wild animal jumping off a cliff because it thought, 'oh i'm never going to be able to take down that gazelle, or even if I do, I'm not gonna be able to take down as many as that big tiger in the next territory. My kids are going to hate me for not being to get as much meat... and I'll never be the king of the jungle, and anyway, this is too hard, i just don't feel like it.... etc'. Of course you also wouldn't find that tiger worrying about rent, and making money, and feeling frusterated because it can't afford to let the wild spirit inside them run free to do what it yearns to do... you also wouldn't find it longing for a friend that the wild dogs took down two years ago - entertaining the idea of finding the pack in the hopes of seeing that little friend again... and feeling incapable of handling all these intricacies of living life without him. And being utterly defeated - knocked down by the confusion, the dead end, the sudden drop off, and feeling so hurt so hurt so hurt that you would leave me this way... woah I guess I got a little distracted there...

Yeah you did. Wanna bring it back? You always say you can't leave a conversation until all the little tangents and digressions are brought back... full circle right?

Yeah I do. Skyscraper I love you... Time for a new EQ. I guess all I'm trying to say is: 1) Im just an animal with a heart and a brain and speech - so that interaction with the rest of my species is made necessary. It's a lot more simple to think of things that way... and screw it if I have to fart in the elevator. I don't care if someone else has to. If I were a dog I'd take a dump where I wanted to when I wanted... regardless if someone was there or not. Anyway... takes some of the pressure off to know I'm just like a little cub or foal or kid or pup or chick (well I am a chick and a kid - haha mr) that was born without asking to into the life and place I was and here I am... 2)For some reason I feel driven to sit here after work, spending precious and much needed time writing, delving, sifting, tossing, ruminating, trying to spell this all out. If I were to just go home I think I would just try to distract myself and I'd never get anyywhere... Even with the looming nebulous non-conclusion that will be more like a beautiful burnout I will have gotten somewhere. Most likely will just go keep living I guess. 3) um, there was a three... I think it's that, I can only do what I can do. I need to acknowledge that i'm doing my best, and just keep trying to get better. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe sometimes I just feel like I'm giving in to the pain and sitting in it not getting any better, but really I think the truth is that the pain is there. I have to feel it to get through it. Of course it's kind of debilitating. Do you have any idea how exhausting and time consuming it is to grieve?

I can imagine.

It's so hard. I tell him all the time - mr it hurts. and I still have episodes of the screaming why why whys and the I wish it had been me, and feeling like nothing is as important to me - NOTHING is more important than seeing you again and talking to you and asking you a million questions to figure out what happened and to say I'm sorry and to tell all the things - try and make things right, try and find understanding, and help you... you didn't have to be alone. AAAGH it's so fucking frustrating. How am I supposed to take harsh shaking feelings like this and coral them into something positive? I'm angry at life for dealing this hand to me. I'm angry that I am denied your companionship. I'm angry that I have to meet all these challenges and you don't now. I'm angry that now I have to sift through our entire 5 year relationship and all the things that happened, and work through it all alone - all by myself. It's not fair. And I just have to guess at your perspective now - I have to be you AND me in the conversation. Retarded. It's just so stupid. So needless. Oh maybe you saw it this way, or maybe you thought this or that... and really since it ended in your intentional death it's hard to keep holding on tight to a positive result - you know, not give in to the guilt and the heavy darkness that's always close at my heels. So whatever, I can do it. I will. But can I just for a second say that this really sucks?

Yes you can. It does. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

these tears i've cried
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm floating in the darkness
well i can't believe that i would kep keep you from flying
and i would cry 1000 more if that's what it takes to sail you home
sail you home
sail you home

i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you
over silbury hill through the solar field
you know that i wil follow you

and if i find you will you still remember
playing at trains or does this little blue ball just fade away
over silbury hill through the solar field y
ou know that i will follow you
i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you

these tears i've cried
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if i'm floating in the darkness
well i can't believe that i would kep keep you from flying
and i will cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes to sail you home
sail you home
sail you home

Thank you tori amos.

Yeah, well thanks. It's nice sometimes to be given permission to grieve. I love my friend rebecca because she always says it's ok... of course thoughts about Joe are always coming up, memories of phrases, jokes, little cute things he would do.... and I automatically talk about it, but I'm used to shutting up around certain members of my family, because it seems to make them uncomfortable. I wonder if they are internally rolling their eyes. So my comments are always followed by an inwardly or audibly spoken "I'm sorry". But beautiful Rebecca always listens and encourages it. She always says, "it's ok, you can talk about him. tell me". I'm so glad I have her. And she tells me it's ok to talk about him in the present tense when sometimes I do by accident. So lately sometimes when I just feel so sad and there's nowhere to go and nothing to do I end up in front of the mirror being two people... my eyes burning with so much pain and sorrow and need for comfort, and my own eyes looking right back at me with love and acceptance and compassion... compassion that is also crying. I'm crying both because of and for my pain. It's nice. It usually helps. It tells me this is ok. You have a real reason to feel sad and this is real. All of this is real. It's ok. Feel it - go through it... and when there's no one to tell me there is love and support and 'we'll make it through this together' it's a relief to find I can do it for myself sort of. Or really. It's comforting to look into my own eyes. I see myself - find myself - gets rid of the sometimes bewildering detachment/isolation I feel - like I'm not really part of the world and I'm an alien or something.

That's good Hil. I would like to say while I have the chance, I'm proud of you. Just for being here. I love Joe. Joe loves you. I love you. That's kind of how it works I guess. This is actually pretty good therapy I think... as long as I/you don't develop a split personality. I don't think we can survive any more fracturing.

I don't know... I feel like nothing could be harder than this... if I get through this I think I could take anything... and knowing my life so far, I will have to. haha. that was a wry laugh.

Take heart my friend. All is full of love. You just have to trust it. (per Bjork)

You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love
All around you

So here we are, at the anticlimax. A plateau amidst the constantly climbing or falling emotional landscape. I'll take it. Time to rest for a while.

Here it is almost 7... i need to study music like mad. I'm not feeling very well. At least I feel better inside. I guess I wrote myself out.

off to home. and kitty. and the piano. sigh.

Things I wanna tell you

2009-11-09T18:33:00.000-08:00

So there' a friend I'm very fond of that always used to love hearing my stories... when I'd get all excited and stuff.

So of course when I have something so fun and blissful and beautiful and I want to share it... well there's another moment when I feel your absence so acutely. It kind of stings. It kind of throbs. I kind of want to curl into a ball close all around it and just scream and moan and weep... but I know I am supposed to open up to it instead of closing up - you know, accept it, allow it, experience each ache. I find that I am so ready to find some kind of distraction... like pinching yourself to take your mind off of your real pain. Or Something. Anyway, each time I open instead of closing or running away, it hurts (of course) and takes a long time to get back to normal - to get back to my life as it is. I can't really be around people... and floods of memories come up and it's launching into that whole dialogue that I've been through so many times over and over again. And I guess I just hope that all this is somehow going to help me get better? I don't know... most of those times I feel like I don't even want to (get better that is) - I only want you to come back. That's why I'm kind of afraid to move forward because maybe somewhere in my silly heart I feel like you'll get further and further away... maybe I still harbor some kind of weird dillusion that you can come back... I know that can't happen in my head, but my heart doesn't feel that way... is that the "bargaining" people talk about? I don't know.

I was going to leave work and go practice in the parking garage... an hour and a half ago. I was only going to write down what I intended to talk about, but here I am actually talking about it. I really feel like I don't have time to deal with these feelings... I have to go do things and keep living and stuff. I already decided I'm gonna do that so there's no use rationalizing potential alternatives just because all of a sudden I can't keep the pain at bay. And then it's like FINE- go ahead, charge at me, run me down, I'm not even going to try and hold it off anymore. And then what next?

See it's so annoying, when you encounter something you can't stand- a situation absolutely deplorable- and there's nothing you can do to change it. I think up until now there have been lots of things that I've gotten frustrated with because I couldn't change them, but always eventually I convinced myself that I could accept those things. Not so with is. I guess sometimes... oh yeah it's just the up and down rollercoaster.

I went to a training session for this camp called Comfort Zone... (http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/) that is a camp for kids who are grieving the death of someone close to them. I so believe in this camp. Anyone interested in volunteering or supporting it in some way should. Anyway, just talking about death in a group) all of whom either experienced a painful loss or who just had a desire to help those who had) was pretty amazing. I maybe should have found more of a support group before... it was nice to not be alone... and I could see it in their eyes unlike the experience I've had on online groups, where it's just typing and digital smiley faces and cyber-hugs. Anyway... that feeling was beautiful and I know I could help a kid trying to survive this kind of pain... and maybe that would help me to find meaning in all of this.

Anyway that and singing the Verdi Requiem with the LA Phil this weekend, both things just made me miss you like crazy. If only you could have been there or if I could have told you all about it. It was amazing. It was tremendous. So many things reminded me of you and there were all sorts of parts I knew you would have liked and you could have given me your impression of Verdi and really babe there's nobody like you... so that's just gone, because I can't have that conversation with anyone. It's really sad. On the way home from Saturday's performance, I needed gas and I happened to be near USC and you were so strong on my mind, so I decided to revisit that gas station. That AM/PM where it all went down. It's kind of like a dream in my head - last stop of the night, going home to our spot together, sleep to look forward too, and then someone tries to mug me, and me screaming and running from them, and you getting out of the car to help me, and of course the next thing seeing your blood dripping profusely all over the parking lot - realizing you had been stabbed, calling 911, them taking forever, cops almost mocking us as they callously took our statement and decided almost immediately that there was no use looking for suspects... and then the hospital and the smell of morphine, and your poor arm and you being lost in a wierd tunnel of muted pain... and staying close to you all night to try and give you an anchor. I loved you so much then. You were so strong.

I think it's good to you know, confront these places and memories every once in a while... I'm trying to NOT be self-indulgent, but how the heck would I differentiate anyway. Whatever it's all up to me I suppose, and I felt like I wanted to go there because of you... I just remember the courage you had that night, your calmness, your ability to handle that scary situation that I still can't really comprehend. And I remember the fear that came on you after you started to heal, and how going to that gas station or certain areas would freak you out and your arm would start hurting. So anyway, I stopped at the same gas pump. I got out and set up everything to fill up... and walked the parking lot. I was looking for you because I'm so silly. Whatever it's me I don't have to have an opinion on how my head and heart go through this... but I was looking for your blood. Of course this is four years later, of course I'm not going to be able to find any drops... any evidence of that night. I'm sorry babe, but that was crazy. That was a crazy experience and both of us were probably affected in so many ways we didn't realize... and we were so ill equipped to process it and lacking good resources to help us. And everyone just said "you guys should get some after trauma counseling" and we were like groan, especially you, and I just thought I was brave enough to handle it. Right. And then fear and anger was always a couple thoughts away...

anyway, mr., mr man... I went there. I missed you more. I grieved for that night and what happened to you and all the hurt that followed. And I admired you - I just missed everything about you. And of course opened to those feelings of guilt and sorryness - i'm so sorry i'm so sorry... and it does nothing. And that's it.

There's no real resolution to this story, because it's not over. It never will be, and I will never fully understand. Sad. These are all feelings and thoughts and I needn't try to change them or label them as good or bad. They just are. It's a part of me - part of who I am now. So then I just have to turn the ship back into the wind and continue braving the storm and continue to hope.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you all about the concerts. They were so cool mr. And a million other things I think and feel but just can't seem to articulate right now.

I've gotta go or it's going to be tomorrow before I get anything done.

Stay

2009-10-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

In the Memory of all those I love (and mainy my best mr joe. joe lynn.)

Stay with me
Close so that I know
You are
I am
Truly being
Here
Now
So that I will never be lost
I find myself with you
Eating buffalo wings
Hearing about the Padres or the Chargers,
Bummer, they lost again...
Skipping my brain and any kind of rules
as my everything goes
straight to the keys
Painting a picture of us and all da guys
And all the stuff
In unrestrained sonic animation
And dancin aroun being silly as can be
Naked
Abandoning reason or ettiquette or maturity
Singing, dancing, loving like a child
And it's you that are always there
And your little soul with it's own flutters and stutters
And fearlessness
And longing for truth
And compassion and hunger for FREEDOM
I love that you.
It's pretty amazing.
You are, I mean.
I am you.
Forever.

pain killers

2009-10-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

Can I have a tylenol
For my heart
Being stretched to it's limit
With love
With longing
For you

It hurts mister. It hurts.
Sometimes I just miss you too bad.
And everyone always has to look over my shoulder
What's she doing now?

Oh mr. I love you. I wish I could still hear your voice
I definitely would check my voicemails if I thought
I'd have a message from you
Oh friend.

Certain times I feel it more than others.

Ho Hum

2009-10-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

This is such a hard thing.

I don't want to let go, and yet I'm looking down a long path that leads to exactly that, and talking myself into each little inching step, coaxing, persuading, reassuring because I have to. Because I'm trying to believe something good will come of all this. And as small and insignificant as I feel, as little my contributions to LIFE might seem, there's no way to be sure. If I were to yank myself out of my little role as me in this life, a 26 year old little girl enmeshed by ups and downs and all arounds and steady companion to chaos, confusion, struggle... I'm sure the scene would be incomplete - more incomplete if I flaked, you know? I mean, the void would be bigger than I think. I just know that Joe didn't know. He just didn't have a good perspective on all that. I don't blame him. I've felt that way... Actually I seem to get a refresher course every couple of weeks. Luckily right now I feel well enough to know that I can't trust me sometimes. Anyway. I started writing because he was so much on my mind. I'm listening to my familiar Bill Evans Autumn Leaves, wishing I had a glass of wine to sip on, remember the visceral special way my mister used to enjoy things like that. Not at all in a pretentious or snooty way, just eager and savoring. And being happy for the special.

Yeah so to maybe try and satisfy this aching I get where I just want to talk to him so badly... I want him back agh
I read emails or notes from him, hoping it will be like he's here or something... And it only makes me miss him more. But it also makes me love him more. I feel like I'm blindly groping through this crazy grief thing. I don't know if I'm doing it right. And all the experts say there's no one right way... Everybody's different. But I feel like this is never going to end. More time more time...

An old email from him november '06:

"I am going to work soon, which means I will join you in the Ho Hum Dept. But nonetheless, I love my mister. And I love big hamburgers. But I love the former more in a strictly non-dietary sense. Well, alright, not strictly.
Wuv.
m
i
s
t
e
R"

Dear emighesstee-eearh (mister),
I am about to leave the Ho Hum Dept. Yeay! I was so anxious to leave right at 5 but then I starting thinkin about you and got carried away. So now I'm really going to leave. And maybe I will go home and take a load off, have a beer, play a tune or two, and wuv my mister of course. Thanks for bein a friend. The best. Talk to you. Wuv, your tee double "o" ess eigh ee.

Freedom

2009-09-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

Freedom looks different from here.

Freedom is nothingness
Freedom is the ocean
when you finally reach it
and put your hands on either side
of your face to block the periphery
so there is nothing
nothing but sky and sea

Freedom is quiet solitary choice
Freedom is the old man
shuffling slowly down the sidewalk
looking to the west
clutching a blanket that will gain value
as the days fill the months
and he begins to see his shallow white breath at night
and the smiles he has from time to time
are never stolen
they never make it past the tangles of his dull gray beard

Healing

2009-09-22T02:35:00.000-07:00

"When we are training in the art of peace, we are not given any promises that, because of our noble intentions, everything will be okay. In fact, there are no promises of fruition at all. Instead, we are encouraged to simply look deeply at joy and sorrow, at laughing and crying, at hoping and fearing, at all that lives and dies. We learn that what truly heals is gratitude and tenderness".

-Pema Chodron

nine eleven

2009-09-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

success in that the work day is almost over

I'm just about at that place...

where i resign myself to turn away from the night

commit to another chapter.

ugh. I resist the thought but I want to give things a good ol college try.

have to say at least 50% of that desire is just not wanting to let people down.

I kind of just want to sing and dance the years away all life long. is there anything wrong with that?

give me a couple ounces and i'll let it all go

all of it

it's friday folks

i'm out of here

alone

2009-09-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

alone
so alone
it's just a feeling
i'll take a loan on better days
how many times
have i been here before
...

that's all i can remember of that song.

I feel horrible right now. If I'm going to be honest. That's how I feel.
Horrible.
Alone.
Confused.
Pretend pretend.
I just don't know if I care enough. Nothing is what it seems.
I want to be good. but I can't.
I don't even have a claim to you anymore. So many people loved you. Not just me. I love you a lot. Not enough. The most? Did you like my love the most? It doesn't matter. Fact is, here I am. Alone. I'm just me. I'm nothing. Nothing is ok. I guess.

I just don't really care. Honestly. I want to just blow up and out and down and cry and truly show how I feel but I can't. I have to pretend. I don't know if I can live here. It's an act. It's a decision. Do I really have to make that decision. I want to stay other. Like mr. I want to be with him. and even that is unreliable. The best I could get isn't enough. Nothing is enough. Somebody help me... love help me find my way back to you... I want to love. I want to be good.

if you cry i'll throw my arms around you and my tears will mingle with yours
and i'll contain your shaking and hold you until the calm comes
close your eyes
when you wake it will be better
it will be better
just listen
to my voice
hmmmm
i
love
you

be kind please rewind

2009-09-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

in my mind
the bloody knife
i hate the way i look in pictures
it's time to go it's time to go
even your death is disorganized
ceasing to be
the only order untouched by
unreliable variability
death. final. ending. complete. comprehensive. beautiful.
what am i writing about?
if he had never met me,
if i had never met him,
would we still be breathing
dust and ashes
in and out
check the expiration on that
don't wanna get sick
that thought has been in there for months i think
oh whatever
just be positive, it's probably fine
i'll take this moment to say
i warned you
thanks everyone
but i just can't stay
this way
it will never be like it was
too heavy all around
i'll touch base when i hit the ground

Charcoal

2009-09-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

Come with me
It’s much quieter
Over here
Wrapped up tight and empty
And seeing clear through the illusion
Of life
And we can sink together
You near to me and I to you
Sinking deep, deep into her love
And rest

I’ve got an empty bed upon which I rest my tired bones
I’ve got a sleepy field upon which I like to roam
Come on little friend, come on little friend, my world is wide open

I want to go to a wide open world with you
It’s been too long
One time I went to sleep
Oceanswept I slept and dreamt of sad songs
And while I slept
You left a kiss on my cheek
I didn’t know
But now you’re gone I feel it there
Still right on my cheek
Kissing away
And now I dream of you

Come on little friend
We can sink together
You near to me and I to you
Sinking deep, deep into her love
And rest

wednesday

2009-09-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

Stitches or no stiches.

Ok. The cut on my knee is still oozing a little bit of blood. It's been almost 34 hours. I know that's not a good sign. It's a good gash. I miss my mr. I don't want to go to the hospital... Partly because it will cost money, partly because I would have to leave work and that would be a hastle. I've always kind of liked scars. Not Kind of. Really. They have a story to tell to me. This can be a reminder of this experience, of my stupidity, of my triumphing over yet another hurdle. HOPEFULLY A LESSON LEARNED. I'm fine with another scar. Benefits of stitches would be the attention, legitimate evidence of the accident... Pity me feel sorry for me. Anyway... I attempted to squueeeeze it shut under a bandage, but I know as soon as I start moving it will come undone. It's weird - it doesn't hurt. Maybe nerves around the knee area are built to sustain more injury or something. I don't know. But whatever. I don't think I have it in me to go to the hospital, plus it would be urgent care and that SUCKS. And I just read anything over 12 hours old won't be stitched. Who knows if this internet info is reliable but I'll believe it. So fuck it. Here comes another beautiful keloid. Damn. Whatever. This isn't me anyway... I'm just stuck inside this old hunk of bones(in the words of my best friend). Oh mr. I think maybe I need to eat something. I feel a little loopy doop.

I really hope these racing thoughts stop... I can't do anything. Ummm how many hours of sleep did I get last night? Hmmm.

she's done it again folks... amazing

2009-09-01T16:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah you've really done it this time. you have a highly abnormal abnormally high capacity for trouble. catastrophe capacity. Just call me CC.

Ok. Completely emotionally detached and objective.

Options:
1. Gunshot to the head
2. Mitigation: money money money try and fix the car try and fix their car, hope no one sues me for injuries then there's the red light bull shit ticket failure to appear money money can't afford sell my self prostitution 30 dollars for 20 minutes 60 dollars for 50 minutes
3. disappear. Find my passport and leave the country.
4. why can't I just let it all go and give it all up? Why why why why.

I hate this feeling. All too familiar. Regret. Remorse. An ache to reverse time and just have things back the way they were. There are several interesting aspects to this predicament and my perspective on it. The overriding one is that my situation couldn't possibly be worse. I mean before the accident. Now it’s a worser worst. But really at a certain point there's no where to go in terms of pain and turmoil. The pain - psychological, emotional, physical pain from losing Joe is like a constant companion... By my side in every situation. There isn't anything that can take that away, and there isn't anything that can top it. I've racked my brain. I've been through over and over again that whole long drawn out questioning and what ifs and if onlys and pleading to go back and have another chance and wanting to erase erase... So here it is again on a smaller scale. If only I had gone slower. If only I had gone home earlier. If only I hadn't decided to make that last stop. What was I thinking? Is it because of the medication? What if someone (besides me) had been killed? Why couldn't I have been killed. Would have made this thing so much easier for me. How fucking selfish of you Hil how can you think that? Your poor family. Look at all the crap they have to put up with because you're alive, and your death would only make it 100x worse. Stuck. You're stuck here. You just have to face it all with the limited resources you have and go through it and somehow magically figure out how you are supposed to live... Other people seem to have found a way to be happy without damaging themselves or their property or jeopardizing the safety of others... I feel so embarrassed of myself. That's why I would never tell my dad. Yes dad. That's me. Another car accident. They're just getting worse and worse. It's because I'm a girl isn't it? It's because I'm so much like my mother isn't it? I'm a good driver. But I'm a horrible driver. I suck basically. I have to say I'm trying. I'm trying to fix myself. Hence medication that might be helping, but apparently impairs my... Excuses. There's not even anybody I can make it up to. No one I can apologize to. Myself? It's not like anything I can say to the other driver will help him. And I tried and he seemed unwilling to accept. It does no good to be sorry. To feel sorry. Ok so back to emotionless objectivity...

Further influencing my perspective is my financial situation. I was already dead broke teeter tottering on a rock floating in the lava slowly melting melting... Waiting for a new rock to float by so I can jump before I melt. I haven't made rent on time for the past 5,6 months... I've gotten used to that ooh I don't know if I have enough in my account to cover this - oh well scenario. And also the waiting till the next paycheck procrastination. So the fact that I now am paying 35 bucks a day for a rental and have many hundreds that I will have to pay to even begin to resolve things, it's just one more thing... My car might not make it out alive from this craziness, and where will that leave me? I don't know. The bus. Carpools. Exploiting my relationships because I need something. Like a ride. Anyway... The excrement cake was already there, this is just icing. It doesn't really feel that different from before except for my headache. My sorriness. My longing for a hug - someone strong that can tell me I am too. The gash in my knee and yet another crossroads. Because if I was going to do it this would be a good time - a good excuse to check out. I'm off! But that's so fucking weak I hate myself for just thinking it. What a freakin baby. You laid the tracks yourself and now you wanna get off the train? That is LAME. I have no respect for that. But then again do I really have a whole lot of respect left at all? Not really. I guess right now my desire to escape is overidden by my desire to redeem myself. Hey world, I'm sticking around. I'll do my best to right my wrongs, even though it seems hopeless at the moment... But I'll make up for it somehow. That's one side of me anyway. I suppose I could look at the series of events in the past couple of years and see it as a losing streak... A string of failures... Or I could look at things as really tough challenges that somehow I've made it through.. So far. I've gotten this far. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that I won't be able to change and be that good person. Scared that I've really screwed up - that I can't handle my life. I just make a mess of everything. I'm good at a lot of things, but I'm not the most competent life-liver. Frustrating. I want to start over.

But I remember I am completely emotionally detached and rational right now. Yes I am. So I could throw up my hands and cry... But perhaps it's better to just act. Just do what I have to do. Don't think. Don't feel. Just do the right thing. So what is the objective? Somehow managing rehearsals/performances etc. This means planning transportation. Working out things with the insurance company. Should I go to the doctor? I probably have a minor concussion which is why I was so shaken up after the accident, and couldn't remember events after it. But I don't have a whole lot of time for the doctor. Ugh. Objective! Transportation. To the tune of the ringing in my ears plus 35 dollars a day. OK. That’s where borrowing money comes in. My poor mom giving me part of her inheritance and I don't even know when I can pay it back. Gotta find some cash. How can I do that? I think probably selling everything I can part with.

This is ridiculous. This is my chance. My chance to relive it all. Yes. It's my fault. At Fault Am I. I'm sorry everyone. I am numb and motionless inside... I am stuck inside me somewhere. This is me walking around at work trying to look busy. This is me answering the phone. This is me trying to feel trying to see the future. The future where I will make good choices, maybe get good driver status and live beneath my means, where I will be calm and consistent and where I will have lots of love in my life and give of my good to the world. Where is the future? It's nice to think of the future as being a place rather than a time. It makes it seem like I can GO there. It is very very far away. I can make it. I make a good endurance athlete. The important part is to just keep going. Eventually you get there.

I feel weird. And it doesn't really matter. I don't want to be me. I just want to be absorbed into the energy of everyone and the world... Be part of it but not an individual. I just don't have a good success rate. And I think I would do better without a body. Just to be a soul flitting around. Sigh. Oh goodness. I guess there's no harm in planning my escape route in the unlikely event of DISASTER.

Tip-toe tight rope walker on the fine line
Leaning side to side between
Potential and waste
Fighting fatigue
Yearning for
A bell to ring
And punctuate the ending
Some fanfare, applause
Good job next performer
But the show must go on
Take your shoes off
Take a breath
Make a wish
It's gonna be a while

doo doo doo dee doo

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Hide and Seek

2009-08-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

Ok so do you remember the Hide and Seek song... I may have written about his before.

I don't care.

I remember sitting with you in the dark... listening to it for the first time. That is one of my most treasured memories. I remember your apartment on Exposition. A block away from where you were stabbed... accross the street from where I thought I heard a gunshot and felt compelled to go out and see if someone got hurt, and you followed me (cus you were the sweetest), and then it was nothing and then we got locked out of our apartment because we both ran out without the keys. Wow. That was a night. And of course we had ordered pizza that I was going to pay for, and my wallet was inside. So the pizza guy came and then... I can't remember if we got to eat it or not. I do remember that we decided to break in to our own place... through the window. A window that was covered with metal bars specifically designed to keep people OUT. And I said, oh we'll just bend the bars to squeeze through... but before checking if that would actually work, we broke the window. And of course it didn't work. We tried to use my belt to bend the bars, and my belt broke. Man were you frusterated. And boy did I feel stupid and lame and sorry for you... I said, never you fear mr... I'll run to campus and figure it all out. So I ran to campus... by myself. Didn't get mugged... found a pay phone. I'm not sure how that helped, but I think mom looked up a locksmith for me. Or I called someone else to look it up. then it was back there. I think a locksmith showed up and we got let in. and then I'm sure as we lost ourselves in eachother and a cloud of sweet smelling smoke everything
was
just
fine
more than fine.
wonderful.

break: is it a problem that I am painfully aware of what goes on in my peripheral vision. why the fuck can't I just focus on one thing? I don't know. Hey everybody. work is over. I don't have to do one more stitch of work... no sir I can do whatever the hell I want to. so there. just thought I'd announce that. Because yes I am still technically at work, but yeah it' snot working hours so I can if I want make a basil mojito that's basically is just basil and vodka.

And then there's send the pain below... which reminds me of a strong mr telling about lifting weights in high school... and maybe thats where you hurt your back. =( and working out in the usc gym that was some of my favorite times, and I loved your maxing face when you were working hard. Hey mr... I can actually do dips now and pull ups. you would be proud... but then that's kind of slowed these days because I can't get out of my head. And then in the gym we'd hear that megolomaniac song... and remember the music video for that one? I always liked that song. You were my favorite work out buddy. Were were were were were. HATE that word.

So a musical journey to the past... How am I supposed to not hold on to the past when these things remind me of you and I love my memories because it's all I have left of you except faith. hmmm.

so now I need another good one... ummmmm

Caroline, No.

Oh mr. I don't think I've listened to this with headphones. Rocks my world. It's so heartbreaking. And I see you singing that last part.... oh caroline, no... did you know that the percussion sound at the beginning was made by the drummer Hal Blane using an empty Coke bottle. And I think you told me it was originally called Carole, I know. I love it mr. and then a train comes rolling by.... Could we ever bring them back once they had gone.... oh caroline no! Very tender mr. And you had the perfect falsetto voice for that part too. for that whole song. I don't think anyone be me ever got to hear how beautiful your voice was. was was was was . I hate that word. But it was beautiful.

I only get to write until the reflection from the sun makes it impossible to hear I mean see the computer.

I feel like I'm eating cat food spaghetti. It's all right. Chef Boyardee. hey I'll pretty much eat anything.

ok... I closed the blinds. Thing is... I'm tips now. I'm numbed sufficiently. I'm at that place where if I start thinking about you I'll go off the deep end. Is that your secret? I WANT TO KNOW!!!!! Did you just get fucking wasted and pull the trigger? I know you weren't smoking that whole week. I can't think about this. NO No NO. but I can see if you were drinking a whole bunch to just be like... fuck it. I can do it. I can do that one thing,. Because you don't really have to think about the future, about consequences when you're anesthetized. I want to see it. I want to see you. I hate seeing blue honda crvs. I hate remembering listening to this song... speeding cars, in it... listening to your voice give me your opinion on it... holding your hand - it's fucking hard this letting go shit. I don't like it. I feel you here in me all the time. It's enough all this is enough for me to just throw up my hands, make a martini and writie some songs. Fuck everything. Nothing matters. I can't even make you the special basil mojito drink my broham showed me. and I can't even show you what I've been writing lately. whatever. that's fine. whats not quite right now... whats slowing me up maybe is the past... all those years. back to hide and seek...

that room on 28th street... such wonderful beautiful times with you. I love that spot. I'm so tempted to go back and ask Daryl if I can live there again. silly. That is definitley not healthy. I fucking love Imogen Heap's voice. I think just a tiny bit more VK. Yeah... and then home and a song or two. and charging my phone. Yeah... so my other picture of this song... i wanted to listen to it a million times in a row... something you totally understand...(wuv!)... yeah and I went and sat in the blue dish chair we got from target and I put the speakers up real close to my ears super surround sound mr and listened to all of it... and made up my harmonies... and you came over and kissed me, and you had that cute smile. geez. oh mr. I feel like you're still here.

god. I want to live back then. I'm a lost scared girl.

I love you.

Yeah... so I remember that. I remember the curtains in the window, and our bed in the corner. And I remember you. and me. struggling to figure out our spinning worlds and confusions and love and passion and dreams... and loving eachother, and not knowing how to handle life. God. What a mess. And you're gone my friend. Here but gone. I am here. I am here. I am here. Here I am. Am I here? Sigh big time. I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. Is it horrible that I just want to go back back back in time. please. and I can't. Oh mr. What drug can I do to make me dream about you?

whatever.

your breath is in my ears
you music in my soul
your heart in my heart

Look at this art friend... what do you think they're singing about?

All games they play
Undead and awake and returning within
You are a devil, they say and its candy
How long Ive known this seed burst and grown
Youre the one that I love
You are the one that I trust, and its candy

When they speak of the open door
And the way youve flown its fine
When they show me the evidence
And theyre talking down your memory
Nevermind the words they waste
They cant see youre mine
Waiting here until words run out
Dreaming of the day when you
Open your arms in the light of our love...

I have to go... talking to my lil sis. gotta go home play a song and go to bed. hopefully I'll dream of you.

4:21

2009-08-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

I am ready for my next drink

What will I do with my buzz?

write a song...

another girl with father issues... how fucking original

2009-08-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

I like my dad when he's drunk. Or a little bit tipsy. I think he does too. Maybe he likes to be a dad when he's tipsy...

I try to have compassion. I know he has not had great examples in fatherhood - poor guy. He was somehow able to be strong and at least go make something of himself. But he's not able to pass on how he was able to do that. Now he has plenty of money. Is he happy? I don't know. I as his daughter am not priveleged to know these things. Nor am I privileged to disclose to him that I am struggling. To ask for help. He looks down on me for "being like my mother". In my right mind I can't resent him... Because I know what kinda shit he went through. But in my wrong mind I resent him like crazy. Why? Because I wish I could talk to somebody. I wish he would man up and say, don't worry honey, you'll be just fine. Here's what you need to do A. B. C. I'm fucking 26 and I'm worry about this? What kind of screw up am I? Whatever I'm trying not to judge myself on my father's terms. But it's like, damn I could use some fucking help here and I can't even tell you what I'm struggling with. I can't even tell you honestly what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling. I have to put on some act like I got it together. I really am feeling so fucking hopeless I can't stand it. All I want is a way out. I'm thinking up all these ways of escape. And also knowing that it's probably not going to work out. And everybody wants me to get it together and answer my phone. Well geez. Joe didn't budge a bit. Oh Joe. I wish we coulda switched places. You kinow, like maybe just make the decision that this life isn't really working out for me, I'm going to move on to the next one. Whatever. I've gotta pull myself out of this on my own. That's the only answer.

I want to stop eating all together. Waaaaaaste away.

Wipe the slate clean. Start from nothing. Nothing matters. One way or another it doesn't really matter.

And I'm supposed to be focusing on faith hope love in that order.

Have some faith girl, it might help you.

But I can't I'm too tired. And too worried. I can't handle this life.

Well you're gonna handle it.

I gotta find some other way to live.

I wanna show you this song

2009-08-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

Hey..

Just cus I miss you so darn bad, thought I'd say hey.

Ummm mr don't know if you ever listened to Band of Horses... But theres this song. I like it. This would be the sort of song I'd come home and say hey mr listen to this one. Tell me everything. Tell me what you think. Like it? And you might like it or might not... I could never pick out your tastes, but you'd at least always talk to me about it. You'd listen to me say oh I like this guitar riff here, or this harmony in the chord progression, see listen.... Or something like that - and if you liked it I'd feel happy that I picked out a song you liked. You always had the coolest tastes. But anyway... I like this song. Way simple and amateur so then the emphasis is on the melody... You might say, ummm well it's a little repetitive in the guitar part... I don't know. I just like the chorus part... The "no one... Is ever gonna love you more than I do" part. And that pretty cute little part at the end in the geetar. Anyway, I don't know if you know how much easier that would make by day, to know I could go home and show you all the tunes I was listening to at this place this under my fingernails nerve grating place, in the chaos and confusion of my life where I just want to be a good girl, and it just seems like I can't, and I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I could go home and get a squeeze from a friend who understands. It would make everything just make a little bit more sense. And I don't know if I even valued it enough when you were here. Silly me. What am I missing out on now while I'm hiding trying to figure out what I can do to make it back to unconscious sleep... Maybe this antidepressant will work, maybe this workout will do the trick, maybe this plan will, oh fuck it - I can't get away - I like myself a lot more with a little vodka in my system... Oh mr. today will be a hard day. I am trying... Trying to be at peace, trying to see the truth, trying to love... It's just hard. I guess it's not supposed to be easy to keep yourself together. I wish you were here friend. I know you are, just in a different sort of way, and I just wish I didn't feel so lost, flailing around - I know where the truth is, but how am I supposed to stay there, I have to take care of all this stuff... Oh well. I'll be strong. Part of the reason why is cus of you. Cus I hear your voice in my head telling me, you can do it, you're a strong girl. So thanks friend.

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is a better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

and no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

Do anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
Don't ever want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

And no one
is ever gonna love you more than I do
no one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard

ok i get it sort of

2009-08-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

Not feeling sorry for myself:

It's more about not indulging those painful overwhelming emotions. This is a very subtle thing. How do you feel them and accept them within yourself without over indulging them. Tricky. I shall try. So feeling pain is ok. but going over the top and sinking into a non-functional pity party is not ok. I don't know how much of this is controllable, but probably more than is immediately apparent to me.

All this stress:

I forgot that I am here, alive, in the world, and that simply by being I'm serving my purpose. There is this engrained idea in my head that I have to BE something, I have to DO all these things, and I have to look a certain way and I have to be smart (learned) and beautiful (according to everones different standards, and really good at everything from any sport to soduku and blah blah blah... that's a lot of pressure. Makes time feel to short. Means I can't really be living my life until I'm all up on everything. That's difficult when I'm scratching together enough money to buy new tennis shoes or a performance outfit and barely able to have enough for a load of laundry and gas. and my full time job sucks away all my time. and I'm struggling with the death of my best friend still. So I went to a yin yoga class last night that was so beautiful... a crazy journey in my racing and distractible head that is so riddled with negativity. An hour and a half went by I was still grappling with myself and struggling to not dissolve into self hatred... letting go and grabbing on, back and forth back and forth for the whole class. And it's not like I was enlightened at the end of it, but I continued to stand up to myself, to try to calm myself, to slow down, to find some love inside me, to find God... I felt so lost. And back and forth... i couldn't find me. I couldn't find God, I felt distant and removed from everything... but what I did find by the end, was some faith. Some faith that even if I can't feel it, God loves me. God holds me and everything else. This was such a relief. I envisioned God as my mother comforting me, and just opened up my heart with all the stress and pain and despair, hoplessness, guilt, love, etc.

Joe:

As I saw myself in the presence of my Divine Mother, seeking and longing to be swallowed by love and nurturing and comforting, I began to feel a closeness of an amazing calming soothing presence, and I thought I should try to let go of some of the overwhelming feelings about Joe I've been having. Because I miss him so much it's been almost unbearable. I know I'm not the only one who has lost someone. It's just that I don't understand how anyone does it. I just didn't have enough time with him. I just can't conveive of my future or my identity anymore, and everything seem so confusing. And I would give anything just to feel close to him again. That together with all the regret about, he would of been ok if this, and I coulda helped him figure things out if that, and what if what if... still? I made it past the one year mark. Still? how long is this going to take? How can a bear a lifetime of this kind of pain? Ok, so as I was sitting in the lap of this giant comforting mother, feeling some kind of strange peace, I felt from her, It's ok to feel all these things. It's ok. Don't be afraid. And I relinquished, I surrendered, and that felt better - the pain is still there, but it's ok to feel the pain. I don't have to run from it or be all better. and then as I allowed myself to feel everything withouth the fear it was kind of like a peaceful pain, a kind of pain that made me smile, and I said to God, divine mother - I don't know where he is, I lost him and I have all this love and I can't find Joe to give it to him, and I don't want him to be hurting. and she opened her arms and showed me that Joe was right there with her, see he's here with me too. and then I felt flooded with relief again because then I knew he was all right, and that I can find Joe with God in peace, and I was smiling at him, but just a few tears were falling, slow calm tears, and I looked at Joe, who was more of a voice and a heart that my heart recognized knew so well, and he reached out his hand to touch mine and a beautiful warm light was coming from him and his hand, and love was written all over his face and he smiled back, and said quietly, hey girl. and then I just stayed there for a moment in a peaceful beautiful space being held in the arms of God and resting together with my dearest friend being surrounded by love. Pretty soon I started to feel a little anxious that I was going to have to start moving again and go back to conciousness in the normal world, and I really just wanted to stay there, but then I knew that space is always there. And I have so much more peace knowing where to find Joe, and having faith that love is there - that there is divinity so much bigger than myself and my short little life span... that is the source of life. There is a source to go to.

ok, so faith leads to peace and love.

So as I left the studio at aroun 10:15 I walked back to the car garage, but I didn't want to get into the car and go home. I wanted to linger with these thoughts and the letting go and the memory of finally connecting with him. So I walked back. It was slightly windy, but warm. The full moon was shining so bright, I could see all the darker blue amidst the shining silver. It was beautiful. I just wanted to hear the sound of the waves. I walked accross to the beach slowly, remembering, smiling, breathing. And I sat there at the water listening... waves are so stereo, they go back and forth horizontally, split in the middle and surround you left and right, and then come back to crash into eachother in the center... I love the beach at night. The sand feels cool. The water looks like a black rolling mountain except on the edge where the foam of the waves shine... especially if there is a lot of moonlight. And I whispered my gratitude for everything. Thank you.

So that was where I realized, I don't have to work so hard. It's ridiculous. I just have to be, and seek love, seek the truth. So now, I try desperately to remember that.

I don't know how much of this stuff is "in my head" but I do believe in God, as a concept, as in something bigger than myself, as in a source of love. And I know that what I saw in my mind last night was the most comforting illuminating experience I've ever had, so it's worth so much regardless of what it is. and it felt real to me. I know in meditation they tell you to value highly any visions that are seen. and I do.

My intentions to get up at 5am and go buy coffee for the office were not realized. This threatened to derail me. But I'm holding on to peace. And of course feeling close to my mr. Now I just need to find a way to learn more. I think I need a teacher.

on to the rest of the day. love. peace. humility. faith.

2009-08-03T10:48:00.001-07:00

it doesn't matter anymore
if it mattered before

beautiful

2009-08-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

I don't belong here

everything is too salty

I don't want to see my father.

why not?

I'm not good enough.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

ok. stupid bitch. stop feeling sorry for myourself. weakass baby.

see? better isn't it?

oh yes. I never saw that before. it never occured to me. this whole time i've been needlessly suffering all because I was pitying myself. brilliant.

and now what do you feel?

now I just want to shoot myself in the head?

see? better isn't it?

much better.

now go eat a bucket of shit.

ok! yeay. this is fun.

isn't it? life is the best. shit. buckets. what more could you ask for.

well I don't know, maybe a friend to eat with. but that might be too much to ask for.

yeah. and anyway he might just shoot himself in the head and leave you with your head burried in shit.

yeah. it's probably best this way.

you're not feeling sorry for yourself are you?

no, not at all. I love this. I love this empty meaningless job. I love never ever living up to my potential. I love overdraft fees. I love failure to appear court notices. I love hearing about Julia Hawkinsons personal deficiencies and how fast her kids are growing until I swallow my own vomit. I love the sound of miss peppy indian fashion model in the corner being happy and an incessantly ringing phone. I LOVE being alone and misunderstood and communicating poorly and fucking weekly safety tips and wanting someone to fucking crash into my car headlong so i don't have to fucking see my own face in the mirror anymore. I LOVE IT. I love never feeling sorry for myself but just slapping myself in the face a couple times and screaming at the world in the elevator. I love constant dissappointment. I love emptiness. I love huge huge huge mistakes mistakes mistakes that cause you to lose to lose to lose to lose the one person you could trust. it's b3eautiful. beautiful. I love it all. and the good thing is it's all a big joke. it's funny see?

well i don't know about that. i don't find anything very funny.

well that's because your a fucking blind ass prick with fucking i'm better than you up your perfumed ass hole.

oh. well hey. you're better now right?

yep. all better. I feel fantastic.

good because... SURPRISE!!! you're on candid camera! ok just kidding you're not really but you are on stage and everyone is watching you! yeay! haha. now THAT's funny. look at her blush and not know what to do with her hands. I'm gonna go take a dump. I feel like I have perot's head in my ass.

ok. I'm going to strip and fart in everyone's stupid stuck up faces. and then I'm going to pretend.

what else is new.

life is grand.

the end.

songs that remind me

2009-07-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

Everytime the day
darkens down and goes away
Pictures open in my head of me and you
Silent and cliche, all the things we did and didn't say
Covered up by what we did and didn't do
Going through every out I used to cope
to make the repitition stop
What was I supposed to say?

Now I never leave my zone
we're both alone
I'm coming home
I wish I'd never seen your face.

~Elliott Smith

Probably one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Reminds me of a friend of mine.

For a little contrast another song that is my mr all over

Oh Mr Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there Mr Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Everybody smiles at you

Mr. Blue you did it right
But soon comes Mr. Night
Creepin' over
Now his hand is on your shoulder
Never mind I'll remember you this way

Yeah, so it's clean up the desk and rush out for cycing class. Oh yeah it's at 6 not 6:30. I forgot.

Ummm, I bet you wish you has stuck around for all the fun of a mundane job and striving striving, and the craziness that life is when all of a sudden you have to care about the formatting of a transmittal or what color font you use for the table of contents. I was laughing today thinking about that. Felt like maybe you were there hanging out with me since you were so strong in my mind and maybe listening to cool tunes with me, so I was thinking, geez, i bet you're really bummed you missed out on all this super fun stuff. wink. haha. I have to go. Just Keep Moving and maybe you'll pull ahead in the last lap or two...

a stranger to myself and to the world

2009-07-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

You explain this world to me with an image. I realize then that you have been reduced to poetry: I shall never know. Have I the time to become indignant? You have already changed theories. So that science that was to teach me everything ends up in a hypothesis, that lucidity founders in metaphor, that uncertainty is resolved in a work of art. What need had I of so many efforts?

The soft lines of these hills and the hand of evening on this troubled heart teach me much more. I have returned to my beginning. I realize that if through science I can seize phenomena and enumerate them, I cannot for all that apprehend the world. Were I to trace its entire relief with my finger, I should not know any more. And you give me the choice between a description that is sure but that teaches me nothing and hypotheses that claim to teach me but that are not sure.

A stranger to myself and to the world, armed solely with a thought that negates itself as soon as it asserts, what is this condition in which I can have peace only by refusing to know and to live, in which the appetite for conquest bumps into walls that defy its assaults? To will is to stir up paradoxes.

~ Albert Camus, from An Absurd Reasoning

Camus touches on the duality of man's longing for knowledge (to understand the world) and mans need for happiness, and the struggle that results from the clashing of those dynamics. The world and life cannot be fully explained or understood. Chaos and irrationality are a part of life.

Acceptance is the only option... which Camus likens to "the total absence of hope (which has nothing to do with despair)".

This reminds of Pema Chodrons writings on our constant striving for security - a security that cannot be because of the nature of the world. Things are always in transition, always changing. Something will always happen to upset your balance. You will never get the ground under your feet. It is unrealistic to think so. The trick is to embrace that shakiness, the uncertainty, the chaos... she calls it staying with the feeling of hopelessness and says that is the path of true awakening. Maybe hopelessness (not despair) can allow us to stop struggling so hard, to relax with all those fears and worries and questions, to not necessarily understand death but to have a healthy relationship with it. There's a lot more to that essay, but it's pretty dense. Will take some time to digest it.

I like the way Camus writes. I will have to read more.

It's been a long day. It is time for me to move on to better things. I will go play soccer at 6:30, have dinner and then see about getting a couple loads of laundry done. This office feels so stifling... Very soon I will be on my way to different things.

I really value clarity of mind. And yet I often jeopardize my own clarity of mind. Today I feel a bit foggy. I think I can identify some reasons why I may feel this way. This is something to take note of for the future (although it might not in any way alter my choices, but awareness is the goal I think).

how are you feeling

2009-07-21T13:50:00.000-07:00

I am feeling helpless

I am feeling more like an observer than a participant in life.

That's ok.

What's it worth?
Enough is never enough
Lets have a little moan
Put the world to rest sit back and watch it all slide by
It's a view from a train
Pay somebody else to drive
See the suits
I see the suits
Sunning themselves on the steps
Of the supermarket
and I think of you when I'm alone like this
Burning from the inside...

OH my.
Everything is so fast. How do you make it slow down? Don't ask me.

I remember how it felt to be so close... to be intertwined, my legs and your legs all wound around eachother. So warm. So close. Enveloped in the unique smell of our combined scents. That seemed to make the spinning stop. Wish there was a word for how much I miss that.

I'm gonna go run it all out till I'm too tired to think.

(miscellaneous)

2009-07-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

I recognize it

I forgot what I was going to write about it... But lets see.

Analysis.

I WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD! I want to swallow it whole and spit out all sorts of creations and be wild and have fun and....

Yes I believe I exhibit the behavior of mania from time to time. Things get too much... And so what do I do?

In my frustration, I buy all sorts of sushi. I buy all sorts of alcohol. I eat. I drink. I purposefully get blitzed so that I am over flirtatious with everyone. So that I cannot contain my sexuality. I have fun. I talk and laugh loudly. I drunk dial people late at night trying to find the hookup. I consider drugs. I go knock on peoples doors at midnight. In hindsight... As fun as it is, I think I should rein it in a bit. It's a little bit overwhelmoverthetop. And it's dangerous.

So that's that.

So now, all I care about is keeping the energy up. Cleaning my apartment. I will! Yes I will. I can do it. That will be tomorrow morning. I won't stay up too late tonight. Or maybe I'll stay up all night. Ha ha ha

ok. I must contain myself if I want to not have a bad low.

Last night was an adventure into excessive behavior that resulted from frustrations that had escalated through the day... So I wanted to go CRAZY. I purposefully didn't even try to control myself... Kind of an experiment. I was observing my manic behavior. But I did have fun... All the way through. It was interesting. Since I was kind of aware of it but allowing it I have a better picture of what it's like now... For the other people and for myself. Like the next day when I look at my phone and random calls/texts made to random people, etc.

This is because my sister (the doctor one) said that I seem to be more manic depressive then just depressed... Which totally makes sense. That's where you fluctuate between extemes of the emotional spectrum instead of having a neutral normal place. I never realized before. I've had a long-time diagnosis with severe depression, but I think she might be right, so I've kind of been trying to track my behavior. Whatever. So yeah I'm going to be working a little harder on finding a middle ground for my moods.

Because before my witnessing myself... I would have said but no I really like that. I like to be crazy. I like to feel that wildness. Well now I think it looks kinda bad. It's not realistic. It could become tiresome. It can get me into trouble. Like is there a reason the garage gate was broken this morning? Who knows. Yes I like to be uncontrollably happy, but I think I can put a little moderation in the mix and still keep some happy fun fun ness in there. And probably end up with a lot more enjoyable and rememberable nights, more productive days and cleaner less embarrasing relationships.

Yups.

Here I go. Yoga. Invoices. Clean up. Dancing. Fun Fun Fun Fun Fun. The most wonerful wonerful thing about me is that I'm the only oneIMMMMM the only one.

limes, serving sizes, and my favorite meal - entry from yesterday

2009-07-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, lemon and water has been recommended many times, but I have discovered that I much prefer lime and water. Lime is amazing. I love it. And in a tight spot I can pretend I'm drinking a Vodka soda/tonic.

Check in with the servings...

I actually have been doing ok with the veggies... I just got worried because it seems to fill up a lot of room on my plate, and makes me so full... This is a good thing. I am very surpised at how filling veggies are.

My favorite meal these days goes like this:

Prepare toaster oven or baking sheet with a layer of foil. Take 6-8 oz white fish of choice and put it in the middle of the tray, sprinkle cut cilantro on top.

Cut a couple slices of:

Zuchini
Squash (italian, yellow, summer are in season right now)
Red pepper
Broccoli
Onion
White mushroom

You only need a little of each because all of them together will make about 1.5 to 2 cups. Top with cut up cilantro and fresh diced garlic. 2 cups is a total of four servings of vegetables, so this is enough for 2 meals (lunch/dinner) and a snack.

Then I put this pretty and colorful mix around my fish of choice (6-8 oz for two meals depending on how active I will be that day), and squeeze lemon juice over the whole thing.

Cover with another piece of foil and cook at 275-300 degrees for 25 minutes, or until fish is cooked.

I take a half portion for my lunch, and garnish with some apple slices and/or other fruit.

Surprisingly, the perfect bite has fish, mixed veggies, and a little apple bit... The sweetness of the apple is the perfect compliment to the spicy garlic, and tart lemon.

Favorite part of this, it's all natural. Only fruit, veggies and fish. No olive oil or butter, etc. The lemon juice ties the whole thing together and is not overpowering once cooked. And the flavor of the veggies comes out, so you can really focus on the individual flavors of each different kind of veggie. I drink a good 20 oz of water before I eat and more during, and I am full and satisfied by the end of the meal.

Just need to find a way to make this process faster... like cut up the veggies and portion them out beforehand.

thoughts and research and more trying

2009-07-14T17:18:00.001-07:00

Affirmation of the day:

I am filled with divine light and love. It satisfies me. It fills me with peace and a desire for what is good, and an openness to share with others. I choose to be mindful of each action and am empowered to find balance in mind, body, and spirit. It is a beautiful day. I am happy.

Ok.Quick recap:

Weekend: fun but I did not complete all my objectives
I did not make it to yoga.
I did not post my ads and work on resumes.
I did not do much on the apt.

And now it's Tuesday. I overslept today instead of getting up early and walking to work. Woke up with a start at 8:30am after having weird dreams that I don't remember. And was not able to wake up early yesterday either. It's ok, but I need to continue to persevere and gently try and figure out what will work for me.

Yesterday - ate well. Mainly fruit, veggies, fish, and a little chicken at night. Did three sets of stairs in the building - that’s 1,236 stairs. Went running at the beach, but my body felt tired so I didn't do much... Turned into intervals on the beach, which was all right. Managed to do a short ab workout when I got home. So all very well and good.

I am working on forgiving myself for past mistakes. It's very hard in the realm of what went on with Joe. I'm still amazed at the feelings that suddenly well up. The other challenge is to take things one at a time, not get overwhelmed by a barage of thoughts and intentions, but to focus on the action at hand.

I went to SRF on Sunday and it was good. Have a desire to learn more. Going to try and do the meditation this Thursday, and might buy a ticket to the convocation in August.

Goal for today, refil prescriptions, write music lesson advertisement. Maybe cycling class tonight. We'll see.

My mood, mind, everything is getting more and more weird with each minute.

Frustrating. I better pull myself together. Whatever. Think I'm just emotional. Well I guess I always am. I miss my mister. I miss that friend of mine that I could talk to. I'm really trying to open up and feel this stuff and go through it. I just feel like I'm never going to be on the other side and I don't want to. Because I'm scared that I'll lose him. Funny..not... But having a relationship with someone who's dead is like having a relationship with someone who is just never there... Except at least you could have the comfort, the asurance that they were warmed by the same sun and breathing the same air. I guess my favorite thing of all would be to see him... If he could give me a sign that he's there. I see things from time to time, and wonder if I'm fooling myself, but it makes me happy anyway. And I wonder and hope so much that reincarnation is true and that I can see him again in my life. Even if he's just a little guy. It's silly. But not really. I truly feel that to my core whatever ages we were we would be good friends. I so so so wish he hadn't ripped himself out of my life like that... Leaving me with all this confusion about what happened and such a longing for his presence.

So getting work done today has been impossible. I'm feeling bogged down again, and so afraid at feeling that way. I fear the lows. And I see all these dangers of when all of a sudden I feel good and I just want to fly or something and it's a crazy high, but I love the way it feels and I don't know if it's ok, and I fear it isn't, but I fear not feeling that... And I always think, yeah I can make this last, I can be a successful amazingly productive intelligent person and get all this stuff done no problem! And then a week later... Oh no here it comes again. I can't take it... And trying to talk to myself and pull myself away from it, and what the fuck is all worth? C'mon it's worth something hil... But I just think it's fucking stupid! I spend so much time trying to be my own psychiatrist and read all this shit and do the right thing and it's just back and forth and up and down. It's exhausting... I'm over it... Unless I'm up. I just wish my friend was around.

So I was going to try for the cycling class tonight. Maybe I should do a yoga instead... Either would probably be good. I should try for the 6pm cycling... Yoga could be an option for tomorrow morning. I think today is gone well yes it is. 5pm already.

Sometimes I just can't take the stress. I am doing research on emotional extremes. Found an interesting article on "Emotional Sobriety and the Addicted Traumatized Family."

"Emotional sobriety or the restoration of balanced functioning both within the self and in the family is where treatment is heading. Each member of the family who has lived in the atmosphere we describe in this article needs and deserves help in sorting out the complicated effects of living with chronic pain and stress. Treatment for addiction and codependency, in my experience, requires a full network of stabilizing experiences and relationships so that while dysfunctional dynamics are deconstructed and defenses dismantled, the skills of emotional sobriety are also being slowly and incrementally built or rebuilt."

It outlines some of the swings in functioning that family members go through after experiencing a dysfunctional environment. The swings are:

Set-up #1: High Intensity vs. Shutdown/Dissociation
Set-up #2: Over Functioning vs. Under Functioning
Set-up #3: Enmeshment/Disengagement
Set-up #4: Impulsivity vs. Rigidity
Set-up #5: Grandiosity vs. Low Self Worth
Set-up #6: Caretaking vs. Neglect
Set-up #7: Abuse vs. Victimization

Here's an example of the article: read the whole thing at http://www.bhcjournal.com/News/ProfessionalPerspective/tabid/255/Default.aspx?ArticleId=22834&PageNumber=1

Set-up #1: High Intensity vs. Shutdown/Dissociation
When family members become overwhelmed, when they experience the unpredictable and disturbing behavior surrounding them as too intense to manage, they may shut down in an unconscious attempt to minimize personal damage. It goes something like this: We get scared, adrenaline courses through our body and revs us up for fight or flight. We either release that adrenaline by fighting or taking off, or we freeze, we shut down. Like a circuit breaker that has gotten too hot, our limbic system flips and switches to the “off” position. We slam on our emotional breaks.

This mind/body action of alternating between feeling flooded with intense emotion then numbing or shutting down reflects the “black and white functioning” that those who have felt psychologically traumatized often report experiencing. These dynamics may manifest in feeling and behavior patterns that mirror living in emotional extremes rather than in emotional sobriety.

The Solution: What we need to learn to do when we get scared is to talk ourselves down from these high pitches so that we are in a position to talk out rather than act out our feelings. We may need to take a break in order to feel more balanced and less reactive. Activities that can bring our fear reaction back into balance are deep breathing, calming exercise or simply reflecting on what might be getting triggered in us before we swing into action.

#6: Caretaking vs. Neglect
Caretaking can be part of a fear or grief response; an attempt to attend to in another person that which needs to be attended to within the self. We may, for example, project our own unconscious anxiety or pain onto someone else, seeing it as about them rather than understanding it as our own. Then we set about attending to “their” symptoms, fixing them, rather than fixing ourselves. It is a form of care that is all too often motivated by our own unidentified pain rather than a genuine awareness of another’s distress. Because this is the case, neglect can be its dark side. We neglect or don’t see what is really needed within another person because we can’t identify real need within ourselves.

Neglect is a passive aggressive form or hurting someone. It can take the form of ignoring, withholding care, nurturing and attention, or simply not engaging in the kinds of behaviors that reflect attunement and care. People who have been habitually neglected can have a difficult time identifying what’s wrong because there is no easy behavior on which to pin their sense of woundedness. They may feel that they have too many needs for anyone to meet or they may be mistrustful of deep connection. In an attempt to avoid further pain, they may push away the very vehicle that might help them to heal — namely relationships.

The Solution: Good self care and a steady relationship with a recovery network — a therapist, a therapy group and 12-step programs — can slowly, over time, help create a new sense of connectedness with self and others, and build the skills of emotional sobriety.

I identified with all of them to a certain extent. The solutions to these things... Make me feel overwhelmed. Where am I supposed to find the time/money/resources to get all fixed up? I'm trying already anyway... Best I can do is keep fighting on my own. God. Sometimes I'm just so sick of it. I want a hug right now. And there's nobody... Sigh.

You know it's only love that gets you through... It's only love, it's only love that gets you through.

Have faith self. I suppose I should start getting ready to go. I'm two steps away from throwing my hands up and taking a nap, going for a drink, etc. etc...

here we go

quicky

2009-07-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

The rundown...

Didn't make it to Yoga... was too tired.
But I did do three flights of stairs.
Ate very well.
Fish, Veggies, Fruit, One piece of sprouted bread...

about to head to happy hour.

worried about money.

will do the following this weekend:
Submit an add for music lessons
dishes
office order for work

joe is heavy on my mind and heart and I'm trying to do the mindfullness meditation... it's a challenge...

I will drink moderately tonight. and drinking does not mean bad food!

an unnecessary update

2009-07-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

so far

eats:
Clumps of grapes
Several Strawberries
one piece healthy grain bread
2 ir 3 oz tillapia
veggies: broccoli, summer squash, zuchini, red pepper, onion, garlic, cilantro, carrot medley
30z chicken that Joy gave me
one quarter apple, one quarter orange, clump of grapes, strawberry

Lots of water/lemon juice

have yet to eat
the rest of the fish and veggies (dinner maybe?)
and fruit - that should do it for the day. yep.

so that's good

exercise:
1 flight of 412 stairs (about to do a second)
two sets 12 pushups
30 seconds plank

to do: blink blink blink ummm i'll get back to ya

ok... well here at the end of the day I'm feeling a little drained. Don't know what it is. Should I crack and have a little coffee while I finish up here? or should I hope my energy will return once I breathe some fresh air.

I think instead of prioritizing the workout, I should prioritize ENJOYMENT of my workout.

I would enjoy seeing the beach. Or doing anything outside. Even jumping around. Or a game of vball or tennis...

ok no volleyball tonight. I think a run at the beach or jumping rope at the park is in order, finished up by 15 minute abs.

I commit. To 45 minutes of physical activity. Oh and I will be walking home so that's a plus.
Next, try and clear the drain.

Next:
Make a plan for ticket, decide on drive or fly to SF, refresh other objectives (doc/dentist,job, move)
Read meditation thing
Meditate
Music if there's time
Bedtime 10:30
I am going to try for yoga tomorrow. Somehow get pumped and go. It will be very good for me, and I have happy hour and the birthday thingy at night. Speaking of I should get something for her. hmm.

Pay rent tomorrow. better late than never.

That's it. AND STICK TO THE PLAN. You can do it. I love you.

a step in the right direction

2009-07-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

so, howd I do?

Well all in all I think I have done well.

I got home, put on my shoes and did a little walk/run to blockbuster to return my rentals.
When I got home I put on some music and started some resistance training, intending to do at least three circuits of the four exercises, dumbell rows, romanian lifts, pushups, abs, at least 10 reps, with 2 minutes of jumping around to get my heart rate up... jumping jacks, dancing, whatever. I discovered my stair climbing had made me a bit sore in a good way - like I needed to stretch my muscles and stuff. So in the middle of my first circuit, all the power goes off. My immediate worry was that I didn't pay my bill and so I decided I better rectify that asap - which means getting dressed and going to work to use the internet/phone. My phone has no battery and no way to charge it with the power off. So I walk outside, and there were two smokers hanging out on the balcony beneath mine so I asked them if their power was out as well, to which they replied yes...

so then slightly bummed my workout was interrupted, I decided to go to the store and get the shopping done instead, thinking that I did my 30 mins of activity, and plus the stair climbing my body had been challenged a little. IT'S OK!. Shopping took longer than expected as always... and cost more than expected, as always.... so $50 later I had all sorts of fruits, veggies, and some tillapia fillets, lemon juice, cat litter, and some drain clearer... keep your fingers cross it works so I can do the dishes and not breed flies in my sink.

Arriving home in the dark I stuck things in the fridge, pulled out leftover asian food for dinner, lit candles, and ate outside. When the power came on I just left the lights out, because it was nice. Well actually I didn't know when the power went on because I didn't have anything "on" to let me know, but I saw lights accross the street, momentarily felt a little silly, and then just decided to pretend it was still out. I thought, I'm glad my guitar doesn't run on electricity, and I pulled it out and played a tune or two. I love to sing. I love to hear and make music. I do. It's one thing I know... If only I could have more, and have more words, I have music in my head but lack the words that express things right... I suppose that's where the practice comes in. Sigh.

Anyway, the only place I went wrong was in having a peanut butter jelly sandwich AFTER dinner, which I didn't need, but I thought since I'm starting the detox today might as well use up the last bagel.

I did a night time routine... this is good! washed face, brushed teeth... that is a good healthy habit. good girl! Had a bit of trouble getting to sleep and slight fitful sleep when I did, kept waking up to the sound of my grinding teeth... hate that... woke up at 5:30... the light was just starting to fade in, snoozed about twenty times and all in all ended up getting out of bed around 7:15/7:20am. Ok... not failure - IMPROVEMENT!!! Improvement by a whole 30 minutes. Determined to follow through I put food together for the day, jumped in and out of the shower, put some lotion on my face... got dressed real quick and put on my running shoes to WALK TO WORK! Yeay! I have begun the day well. A walk to work, several prayers and affirmations and breathing. and then a half liter of water, one cup of coffee, a 80 calorie piece of high fiber, sprouted grain/oat/soy bread which surprising tastes good! (I think it's Exekial bread). five strawberries, a clump of grapes and lemon water that I'm still working on for breakfast. So we're doing well. We're detoxing. We are cleaning out mind body soul.... this is good.

So to adjust for better results tomorrow... I will continue to move back my GETTING UP time by 20 or thirty minutes, because that was what I was able to do this morning. Makes more sense then jumping the time back 3 hours all at once. Gentle. ok so that would mean tomorrow is 6:50 or 7am. Unless I decide to do 5:30am yoga. which would be nice. We'll see.

and I will continue to journal like this. Hilighting or bolding positive "me" sort of things. So I can see how well I'm doing, and what I like, and solidify who this crazy girl is.

and now I move on to calm peaceful productive work with a happy attitude of gratitude, believing that my life today in this moment is a work of art that will evolve and unfold throughout the day, and I can try and make it beautiful. No. I can make it beautiful. It is beautiful.

and a quick shout out to my best friend mister man who is always on my mind. Mon amour durera toujours.

Commitment

2009-07-08T17:16:00.000-07:00

Commitment 1.
I have decided to commit to a three day detox plan. There are a couple problems. I want to do this now, but there are several events this weekend that will incorporate alcohol, which really doesn't go with a detox plan. So I think I'll have to compromise. I will have day 1 tomorrow, day 2 friday and then pause... drink moderately friday and saturday and continue normal healthy diet, restart the detox on Sunday or Monday. Ok? ok. I'm considering doing the Master Cleanse diet at some point (http://themastercleanse.org/), but it seems much more involved and will require planning and preperation. We'll see.

Day one:
---
Water!! or water with lemon
light whole grain cereal/oatmeal/bread
fresh fruit juice
---
vegetables
a few ounces of fish
---
same for dinner

Day Two:
---
Water!! or water with lemon
fresh fruit
---
dark green salad
with olive oil/lemon
---
steamed veggies and fish

Day Three:
---
lemon water and fruit only
steamed vegetables for dinner

Buy:
lemons or lemon juice
vegetables
fish
some kind of whole grain cereal

ok done and done... starty offy tomorrowy.

Of course two days later and plane tickets are 40 bucks more. sucks.
my tooth hurts.
ok to drive or fly. I don't know. have to think about that tonight.

I did two flights of stairs today. that's 824 stairs thank you very much.

I would like to be done with a little exercise by 7:30pm. then a quick shoperoo done by 8:30. maybe get some draino and finish the dishes. read/meditate/organize starting 9:30. bed by 10:30.

Commitment 2: I commit to becoming an early riser. See: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/05/how-to-become-an-early-riser/

The challenge... to get up when the alarm goes off. I will begin by actually getting up... and inching the wake up time earlier. Right now it's usually 7:40 or later when I finally decide I can't put off the day any longer, and race to decide which is more important, wash face or brush teeth cus there isn't time for both, check on kitty rations real quick and dash to the car to race to work getting there you know... close enough in my opinion, at pretty much 8am. So anything 7 or earlier will be success, but I have to decide tonight what I want that to be. I think 5:30am would be ambitious but leave me time for 1. shower, wash face, AND brush teeth (wow) 2. stretch or exercise 3. a little soul time to get composed for the day 4 maybe even walk to work! ok, so 5:30 it is.

I commit! I'm writing it here for all you invisible friends out there so that I have accountability! Because by writing it and sharing it it becomes real. and I will have to confess it if I fail. but I'm not afraid of failure. but I'm hungry for success. I really need to stand behind this one because morning and sleep makes me wishy washy. so whatever. wish me good luck.

and I want to send out a lot of love. Sometimes I think I get scared because I don't have enough places to put my love.... like in Magnolia "I have a lot of love to give, I just don't know where to put it"... So I send it out today, in my imperfection and confusion and hurting as I seek to love myself and love my struggles, I feel a lot of love for all you out there, all fighting your own battles. I hope for the light. I hope for peace. Here I go.

Commitment 3
I will have some sort of activity tonight, 30 minutes at least. Lets do Back, Hamstrings, Pushups, Abs, and a little run around the neighborhood. Sounds good. I'll go for
Dumbell rows or reverse flys for back
single leg romanian deadlifts for hamstrings, walking lunges
pushups, army style, slow for chest, shoulders, arms
reverse crunch, hanging leg raise, scissor kicks, and side bridges/oblique crunches

KEEP IT SIMPLE. HAVE FUN. LOVE YOURSELF. k lets go.

visualization for today

2009-07-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

I am muddling. Muddling is better than sinking. and as I fight through my day talking myself through the "whelms" (as in over or under- whelmed) and hoping no one will see me squirming over here trying to supress my crying spells, I am trying to envision myself a courageous warrior, never to give up or accept defeat and getting stronger with every step, and most of all surrounded all the time by a big white unconditional complete compassionate loving light like a hug that makes me impervious or at least strengthens me against the darkness of all these enemies and obstacles...

This seems to be helping. Although I still feel like I'm not getting anything done, but I am. I did a flight of stairs today. 10 pushups. I finished updating some contacts. GOOD GIRL. I'M PROUD OF YOU. We're supposed to praise ourselves for every little good thing that we do - it works a hundred times better to change ourselves than criticizing the bad stuff we do. So every little thing. Yes that's good. yes that's good. taking a sip of tea, yes that's good. making a UPS label, yes that's good. looking in the mirror without making a puke face at yourself, yes that's good. looking into your own eyes and say i forgive you, i love you, very good girl! and talking to coworker in a civil friendly manner, yes good girl. closing the email and wikipedia articles and song lyrics and news and focusing on only work for a while, yes very good! and so on.

plans

2009-07-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

I was thinking I could try a new font today. It's a day for newness. It's a new day.

Time for another plan.

After being completely derailed for a total of almost 2 weeks, I feel as if I've gained 10 pounds of fat, lost 10 pounds of muscle, and grown down to a childs state, completely lost sight of my immediate future, my long term future, and what I can do to change it, degraded myself completely by not taking care of myself in the most basic of ways, i.e. brushing my teeth, drinking water, wearing clean clothes... I have allowed myself to hide by any and all possible means, closing blinds, watching movies, reading... Anything to spare me the horror of being by myself with myself in the middle of this mess that is my life... And the thought of slowly wittling away at this chunk of spew is something awful... Nauseating, crazifying, makes me feel like a demon or something. All right, so I have been self diagnosing and self correcting for years. It's time to go right ahead and do it again. I'm past the point of thinking there is one fix that will do me for life... Right? Not happening. What I accept is that I will continue to trip and fall and pick myself up for the entirety of my life. That's how it goes. And depending on my mentality it can be a beautiful thing. Right? right. (Reluctant capitulation).

SO what is actually going on here? I am FRIGHTENED by the reality of my life. Traffic Tickets. Money. Rent. Cleanliness. Clothes. Always fighting these URGES. Health. Friends and social life. Music... Am I wasting my time? School. Am I smart enough? Learning more. Doing more. Men. Why am I alone. Where is that one person who loved me. What the hell happened in that whole foggy 5 years? I'm supposed to BE someone. Not enough time. Not enough focus. I have to change jobs. I have to move. I have to find a roomate. I have to get a computer. A lot of it is money problems I think.

So in full support of the notion that people can change... meaning me - I CAN GET BETTER! I CAN IMPROVE. I CAN SUCCEED - I will now formulate a new plan. These plans rarely come to fruition, but it's not the plan itself that pulls me out of the despair, it's the little flame of hope I fan by making the plan.
So we're off. Lets start by saying (and believing)some affirmations. Ok well first lets find some appropriate ones.

Google search: How to love yourself.
Just got intercepted by live broadcast of the memorial service. Lucky Michael Jackson.

Loving myself can hold for a second.

Ok...
1. Love is a choice. Make the choice to love yourself: Learning to love yourself starts with making a conscious decision, an intention to become happy and lead a fulfilled life. Loving yourself is honoring your essence - your unique/eternal spirit.
2. Forgive yourself
3. Nurture yourself - find out what makes you feel good and do it
4. Stop Worrying
5. Trust yourself
6. Grow Spiritually
7. Make Positive affirmations each day. "I love and accept myself completely and unconditionally"; "I deserve to be happy and balanced in mind, body, spirit."
8. Be gentle and kind in changing the ways of your mind
9. Be loving to your negatives - acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need, and now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. Lovingly release the old patterns.
10. Look in the mirror in your eyes with love and say "I forgive myself for believing that I was not worthy of love."

Express gratitude for the person you are.

Ok. I will find and express fogiveness and love for myself. I will be patient with my slow progress. I will accept the imperfection of everything with love. I will nurture my spirituality.
Really it all comes down to love. That is the goal and the reason and the key and the door to freedom... And so that has to be my main focus.

THE PLAN:
I'm drawing blanks and shooting myself with them.
Simplicity is the key. And love.

This is where I'll start:
1. Diet (detox focus)
2. Prayer - meditation - Prioritize finding some time for this.
3. Exercise - I know what to do here... Don't make it harder than it is. Just do a little bit everyday.
4. Focus on Love and Gratitude, and Conciousness/Mindfulness... Experiencing and noting every tiny thing

NEXT DAY
Ok so now it's Wednesday 7/8. It is 8:42am. This morning I walked in almost 15 minutes late... And I know he'll round up... And Boss was right outside the elevator. Great. Thanks. Excellent. Now sitting with my coffee after having emptied the dishwasher I'm pretty much over it. When people say "MY coffee" rather than just "coffee" or "some coffee"... What does that mean? I'm making it mine... Exerting my control in having it... Exerting my posession of it, expressing a familiarity with having coffee, being cutsy... I don't know. It certainly sounds more cozy. Whatever. More on status. My stomach hurts. I've done it to myself with the smooth move tea and the late night indulging. So I'll accept the punishment. But I have to figure something out with that. I deserve to have control and balance in my eating habits. Simple as that. It's not a big deal. Don't make it a big deal. Whatever, anyway, the fact of being late has faded in with the myriad of other things I'm trying to "work through" today. No wonder things take such a long time for me. Because just to do something, or intending to do something sloughs up all sorts of "issues" and problem areas and logical fallacies and self criticism... That I must then pick apart and counteract and conquer just to get to the place of starting the task. And completing the task is a different story all together. Really I am warring against my own personal nightmare antagonists. I should come up with a warrior name for myself - visualizing myself as a courageous and strong warrior adds a little sense of adventure to this whole situation. And whenever beset by my enemies I can dissappear into my sexy superhero outfit and fight them off with my warrior skills. Haha!

So we are still working on a plan. This plan will initiate a gentle introduction back into a healthy routine that continually keeps the balance and peace of my mind, body, and soul a solid priority. It must address all three of those things or it will fail. I intend to find a groove that can help me stay on track indefinitely. And I trust myself to make the decisions and take the actions that will get me to the right place.

-I AM DESERVING OF EVERYTHING I DESIRE
-I AM COMPLETELY ADORED BY THE DIVINE SOURCE OF LOVE
-I AM A POWERFUL, AND LOVING, UNIQUE, WISE AND JOYOUS SPIRIT THAT CAN NAVIGATE ALL CHALLENGES GIVEN TO ME
-I LOVE YOU

Ok, so I will visualize desired outcomes. Instead of criticising myself I will praise myself for every little good thing. I will let go of worry and simply focus on being kind and gentle. I will continue to guide myself back to experiencing each moment, each opportunity, each feeling without judgement or dishonesty - instead of trying to escape or change things - goal is to open and feel and experience mindfulness.

So my sister was really nice to come over last night and be with me... Force me to open up a little, although it was more like gentle persuasion. It was very nice. She says I put up walls, and that she loves me and is there for me and all I need to do is ask if I need help...among lots of other things I needed to hear - like we'll get through this... I'll feel better soon and she'll help me... It'll be ok. I guess it reminded me it's ok to hurt. And I do. I'll admit it straight up. Right now I'm hurting a lot for some reason. She's very right about the walls though. This is something I will have to get to the bottom of. What is that defense mechanism and why is it there? Why is it that when it gets too much for me I just shut down instead of going to someone like my sister for help or just a talk? Why do I feel like I have to hide how I feel, pretend like I'm fine, or isolate if I can't pretend... Why do I feel incapable of talking about how I feel? Maybe it's a trust thing... I don't want to trust anyone with that vulnerable hurting child or something. It really is an odd place to go. And scary. So that's something to think about. Anyway, thank you sister, for being patient as I convince myself to accept love from people, and for being consistent, helping me trust you.

Whatever... I will start with just today.
The plan:
- At least one flight of stairs (one flight done yeay!)
pushups/dips where I can
a walk or an hour of activity tonight - doable! Start slow and be loving and patient every step of the way!
-Bedtime at 1030pm. Meditate at 1015. start getting ready for bed at 10pm
-10 minute meditation
-Diet... Work on having a start time and a finish time. An end of the meal. Brush your teeth, walk or exercise, or have a lot of water to "top off".
- Water -Shoot for 3-4 liters (96-128 oz, 12-16 cups) of water per day. No less than 2 liters.

Ok. Now don't get scared. We are going to find a way to deal with the following:
NOW:
Traffic Ticket 7/31/09
Rent
Plane ticket home/drive?
Laundry/clothing situation
Dishes and sink

ASAP:
Dentist - just make an appt.
PSYCH - adjust dosage, refil
Docs appts
New or additional job
Move
Computers

We will tackle the most pressing items and develop a plan. Everything will be ok. That's all for now. Slow and easy, one thing at a time. And remember I love you. Wow. When I say that to myself it reminds me of Joe. Funny. I associate those words with him. And I can hear him saying them. It makes me feel like all that love I feel for him is magically turned back and given to me. And that's nice. Gives me a reference point. I sure do miss that friend of mine.

sick day (used to be)

2009-07-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

If you were here today
I'd call in sick
So I could spend it with you
Or waste it with you
Either way is fine
As long as it's with you
And I'd make you a peanut butter jelly sandwich.
Cus for some reason it always tastes better
When someone else makes it for you
And we could make time stop
For just a while
And pretend there is nothing chasing us
No tomorrow
No yesterday
Nothing ahead nothing behind
Only two little friends
With their heads snuggled up close
Sleeping the day away.

2009-07-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

i have nothing to write.

but here's an empty toast to finding peace and centering again... somehow

here's a toast to trying anyway.

Libera Me

2009-07-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for this self indulgent art...

funny how when i feel like shit, i try and express myself in any way that isn't self destructive, and inevitably i end up feeling guilty about feeling like shit. tomorrow i'll get up and do it all over again, and try to convince myself that it matters... so i say fuck it. maybe i'll find that number. maybe i won't. maybe i'll crash in a coma when i get home. maybe i'll decide to fight and drag myself outside to battle my demons amidst the concrete and the other zombies that wander around thinking they've got it or knowing they don't. because maybe i'd feel better if i saw the sun every once in a while. maybe maybe just one last time i could convince my brain, convince my body that nothing matters, everything's all right anyway. why is everything playing tricks on me? i just want to feel good for a moment. and after that moment i want it to last as long as it can. and instead i get to sit here swallowed up by stink and wine stained carpet fibers and evil cockroaches, forever alone and behind forever trying to catch up. sometimes i get a taste of freedom... i want more. i want to stop wanting. i want to dissappear.

and hey folks... just as a reminder... everything is going to be just fine just fine.

echoplex by nin

2009-07-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

nice and high and far apart
just like they said
i built this place with broken parts
just like they said
you chip away the old version of you
you'd be surprised at what you can do
i'm safe in here
irrelevant
just like they said

my voice just echoes off these walls

you feel me breathe
i am watching you
i see it all
the many ways you can't get to me
i see it all
i see the hell you put yourself through
oh the things i could do (if i wanted to)

my voice just echoes off these walls
my voice just echoes off these walls
i don't need anything at all
my voice just echoes off these walls

and i just slowly fade away

you will never ever get to me in here

expression

2009-06-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

Word of the Day

2009-06-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

Vertiginous:

Inclined to change quickly; unstable

so glad

2009-06-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

well i'm glad of one thing...

that you're here for me. that i can feel you close to me these days. it's funny, i never would've thought it would evolve into this, seeing as the craziness of having you gone was the biggest shock of my life... but it's ironic that now your presence would be that one sure thing... when everything is so uncertain. I'm learning to be ok with that uncertainty. I just don't know how it will all end. My life is so strange. I don't know, I guess all I wanted to say, was that I miss you. But I love talking to you and thinking about you, hearing your tunes when I get in the car, hearing your words echo in my head at times when I forget who I am. And I really was reminded today that you're not gone. And it blesses me to think/know that you are there when I think of you. Sometimes I think maybe I don't need anyone else to know me. And all the time I am very doubtful that anyone could ever understand me quite like you. and that is something to be grateful for. you're the best. i love your mind i love your body i love your soul. my soul loves your soul, just so you know... it's just a little forever something you might remember called sweet love. thanks for being a friend.

no fingernails to grope with

2009-06-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

well I bit them all off last night... what was left of em. no matter. they'll grow back.

maybe I'll get my scale in the mail today. I needed a bathroom scale, and I found one on amazon, and got it, and then I found a $50 amazon card in my wallet so i got it free. then I was like damn I coulda got an even more expensive one. but maybe i can find an mp3 player and some headphones for cheap and use the rest of it for that... hmmm. then i can go running and actually listen to music, which sometimes makes me go further, faster...

but then again, there's something about listening to the sound of my breath... trying to keep it even and low and deep, and hearing my foot steps. but it's nice to have music too.

this is it. I am back. it is time to revisit the other extreme. even though i'm sure it would be better to stay away from the extremes but that's a hard thing to do. something sent me over the edge for a while. it's so wierd every time I feel so wild and lost and crazy and out of control, i for one miss Joe something awful... so bad and would give anything to talk to him - but secondly i feel him there. i feel very close to him, i feel like he is checking in with me and giving my hand a little squeeze and telling me to hold on, it'll be ok... like he's keeping me company when I feel most alone. it's kind of a beautiful thing. it makes me miss him more, but it makes me glad for the crisis cus it's like i get to be with him again.

perhaps, i should accept that my life is a series of these fluctuating phases, and i should concern myself only with the hope that they average out to some kind of forward progress. hmmm. i want to find my footing. i want to be able to depend on something in myself and have some steadiness.

but i think my personality is the epitome of that "groundlessness" that Pema Chodron talks about. we are always hoping that we will get it together, get the ground under our feet and then we can start enjoying life and being who we were meant to be. it's always wishing our experience of life was different in some way. but things are never going to be steady. we can never be completely secure. everything waxes and wanes and constantly changes and problems arise and good things happen and bad things happen. and the only security is in knowing we will never get the ground under our feet. so that is obviously my challenge. beginning with hoplessness. not insisting to myself that i must escape or fix the panic and the pain and the things not working out.

i can never seem to depend on myself for anything, so my life is an excellent practice field for this. i embody all sorts of contradictions and changes and what not... chaos, unpredictability...

so that's me! yeay....

haha

oh well. for today, i want to get in a set of the stairs before 12, so I'll go do that now. and i want to eat my fish meals that i put together and maybe some grapefruit... and be nice to myself. unjudgmentatl, forgiving, compassionate, healing... all those things.

and we will move on with life one day at a time.

vague i know

2009-06-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

but damn that feels good

if only it wasn't so frowned upon

but why should I give a fuck?

don't know...

trying to figure this out

i'm sure i should go to yoga instead of

oh well...

i should chill out.

the friend who's not afraid to hurt me

2009-06-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

i remember this...

i'm walking towards the water

thinking to myself and trying to find

my hope and my reasons and

this girl walks up to me and says

oh you poor thing

here this might make you feel better

you should feel better

you shouldn't have to be without something

she pulls out anything she can think of

and shoves it in my face until i scream at her to stop

but she doesn't and instead she says

there's not enough time and too much, you need more to fill you up

or else you might just explode!

and continues her frantic game until I'm pinned to the

ground by the weight of too much and not enough

well I keep walking feeling heavier and

disappointed, and a little scared that I might never

recover and then I'll never be able to fly away

from this loud and violent malay...

and then this girl walks up to me and says

my god you are such a mess

you're ugly

I hate you

and pulls out a razor blade and slices me out of the

background, and she looks at me alone in the void

limp and disassociated

dripping strange hues of pain(t)

and smiles

it's ok

now we can be friends

and i look around and realize

she's right

here i am torn out of the canvas

and all the colors are a little brighter

all my fears a little clearer

all the troubles a little lighter

I don't know how long i'll last

outside the painting of my past

but at least i know i'm real

and different than all those souls

fiending for oblivion

stealing attention

and i know

i can think this through

again

not yet knowing what is always right to do

but right now

i have a friend willing to wake me up

however it needs to be done

and everybody's different

sometimes different is solitary

sometimes wild and red

and back and forth

and delinquent

weak and underacheiving

and sometimes it is an unstoppable genius

and sometimes it is misunderstood

and controversial

and all the time

it is new and beautiful and true

the other world and it's all about love

2009-06-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

yeah i'm just gonna go home
and see if i can dissappear
it's indulgent
usually works pretty well actually
because my house is a vortex
step inside and you get catapulted
through a wormhole to
some sort of other world
on the other side that no one can see
usually something different each time
i like the feeling when i'm lost inside the piano
and my fingers wont stop
and i wish someone could see me then
but that might mess the whole thing up
anyway... i'm running out of time sure
but i think beauty, accomplishment,
progress, life
and the dishes and the laundry and the garbage and the cooking
can wait one more day
cus i just don't have it in me tonight

lots of love though all the time
hold on to love and you'll be fine
and try to love all the bits
of time and sorts of people
mean or kind
and eventually you'll know
that you are here
and there is
a why
to find
you will.

How I feel right now in the strokes of my friends pen

2009-06-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

enough to hear you

2009-06-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

I would just like to say...

I love this music. The music of my dear friend named Joe. It's beautiful and special and unique... and it makes me feel like you're here. Brings you close to me, and it's perfect because sometimes there's really no remedy, there's nothing else that I can think of to do, no one I want to talk to besides you. It's just you. Certain days, certain things I go through... and I just want to sit down with you and take a load off. And listen to your new song that you made. Well there are no more new songs, which is a shame, but damn mr you sure did good with what you had... and now it's like a friend to me... well mostly its like you. I don't know how to say it. I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking and of words... just wanted to say thanks for staying near me. I don't know whats going to happen in this crazy world. But I've got you forever. All compact and synthesized in a sound... and I'm better communicating that way anyway. Anyway, good job friend...

I gotta go home now.

It's getting late

2009-06-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

All right
As the excitement fades
And I begin to feel
The bruises on my back
From the bathroom floor
I wonder
What if it's not ok?

Hello you
Meet me
I am not one
To think twice
I'm a wild sort of girl
I like to risk it
That's the fun part
And then find out what my chances were
That part's hit and miss

Some people might not
Approve
But I just don't know
What to change
What to keep
How much of me
Is me

Shouldn't I be
Me?

Or maybe I should keep
Trying to be
You
Again.

Yosemite Wish You Were Here

2009-06-04T16:34:00.000-07:00

Stream of

2009-06-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

I want to float away
On a cloud
With my mister man

It's hard
I just don’t really care about
Much of anything
Right now.

If only
Well none of that
But say I could tell myself
Just make it to the end
Of the day girl
Just make it
Cus then you will go home
And give your mister a big kiss
And everything wont matter
Once you grab his little body and
Close your eyes and smell the way
He smells
It will be ok

Well mister... I'm trying to find
A reason trying
To get a little bit more vodka from underneath my desk
Only a girl like me would open up a bottle
Right in front of 12 people in the conference room
As Joy is getting up
She's almost leaving
Thank god

Nothing is wrong with a bloody mary
In the afternoon.

Thing is
I don't really care who sees
I don't care who knows
To lose this job perhaps a blessing
in disguise
All I know is that I feel so blurry
I feel so not myself
Am I me? Is this me?
I feel like nobody.
I definitely do not feel special.
What is this whole life thing anyway?
Some sort of game where the object
Is to fool yourself the most
Fool yourself into thinking
You're special. You can do something meaningful.
I don't know. Seems like we're all just people.
If Bach hadn't have done what he had done,
Things for me would be a lot different.
But what if I can't give something beautiful that
People need. That people will be blessed by...

What good are all these buildings we're making
What good is this silly job I'm doing.
Well if kids aren't educated things go to shit.
They need a place to be educated. They need facilities.
So many people. So many roles. So many things to do.
What's a girl like me doing here? Floundering around
Looking for
A purpose.
Looking for
love.
Looking for
Myself.
Now I've had my vodka...
And I guess I can see past
My debilitating
Indecision, confusion, striving and questioning
And pressure to be doing something else...
Just enough to realize what I'm feeling here.
I miss my mr. I miss my best friend. I
Miss someone to relate to period.
I can see your face as you react to
All this if I was talkin to you
Or emailing or somethin
And it's real cute. Yeah that's you
My mr. If worse comes to worse
I always know that
you understand (would've
Understood)
Not much of a comfort. Unless
You're still around.
Can you show me mr?
I miss you so bad right now
I can taste it, and it tastes like
A mugfull of tomato juice and tabasco sauce
And vodka.

It's no wonder I'm in
That state of perpetual falling apart
Slapping sense into myself
Pulling it together
And falling apart again

I come home one unfulfilling day
After another
Feeling as if I've lost another
I've lost another day
Cross another day
Off my life calendar
And I'm not anywhere closer
To being somebody
And I'm that much closer to being
Old
Weak
Tireder
Obsolete
Ugly
Dog-like in that I won't ever
Learn that language
Or live in a foreign country
Or get another degree
Or fall in love
Or be a good mother
Or be beautiful and strong
And desired
And nothing but muscle
And be smart
And compete
win
know things
have insight and pretty handwriting
do something important

And I come home
To clutter and stink
More work that seems a waste
And there's four hours only
And you have to do EVERYTHING
In that time
Of course work out
No one work out is enough. Everything.
Of course you have to practice random things
You wish you were better at
Piano. Jazz. Sing. Write. Write more.
Learn chord progressions and voicings
And work on soloing. EVERYTHING.
And study German. Maybe French.
And Sociology. Everything.
Buy a computer, learn production
Make enough money so you can fucking do something
Which means moving, getting more jobs
Making resumes, applying for shit going on interviews
All without internet at home
But also clean up. And also do that
Primping self care shit like
Face mask and whiten teeth
And take a shower
And get rid of your 26 year old
Wrinkles
I feel tired. I'm only 26!
This is crazy. I know it's not
Necessary. It should be easier than this.
Who the fuck am I and what should I be doing then!!!!!???????
Who is going to tell me. Who is going to help me.
No one. No one knows. Mommy loves me - but no rationale or
Contemporary insight.
Daddy doesn't want to be involved, and I can't trust him
Enough to tell him
And it would just make him feel uncomfortable
Anyway
It's all on me.
And since you meaning me
Since I obviously can't handle it
What does that mean?
Why am I here? What am I doing?
Is this a momentary "feeling"
Cus whatever I get them too frequently for them
To be momentary.
Another sip.
This feels better
Feeling something. Else. But I know my workout is jeoprardized.
can never spell that word
And I know I consumed too much today. Calorie-wise...
Might get bigger instead of smaller.
I feel so small as far as worth
And yet I only want to get smaller in size.
Smaller, but stronger.
God this is just a fucking mess.
And if only I had a friend like Joe
To help me keep things in perspective.
Or at least look me in the eye and give me a hug and
Say I know.
And I could know he really does know. Cus it's just as hard.
And then we could love eachother and make a pact
That we'll keep trying
even though
and that
Yeah we're smart people
We can do this if anyone can
And we can find a dream
And be someone.
What if - I didn't even care about
Being someone.
Then I could call that asshole
Anonymous random text
And dissappear in a cloud of
Chemical ecstasy.

But I've only ever been half in
Half out - never full on turned my back
On life, on normalcy, on purpose
On responsibility, on myself, on societal
Expectations, on my own aspirations, on
Fucking potential
Screw that man... It's too uncertain
I wanna feel good fo sho. And fuck it if it's emtpty chemicals in my brain.
nah... but I'm too obligated... there must be a reason if I feel so compelled
to live

Demara's happy cus she gets to go on vacation.
That makes me happy. Happy makes me cry.
Sad makes me cry. Weird.
I'm just glad she can feel that feeling right now.
Anticipation, hope, excitement, peace, fun,
A whole whatever weeks in front of her she can try and
Forget about all this bull shit crappy stress.

Whatever,
I enjoy this stream of consciousness stuff.
A bunch of Steely Dan came on my Itunes
Which reminds me of my mr.
One of my favorite things was
He knew so much cool music that I wouldve never heard
And that was one of the things I took for granted...
Like his cd collection, and his knowledge -
Of course Joe has this encyclopedic wealth of trivia
For both music and sports... And I always thought that would be there for me.
And that it would come from him...
With his smile - only the most beautiful smile I've ever seen
And his immediate full commitment to the topic
At hand and excitement in discussing it
The kind of joy that was written all over his face
As a result of a simple conversation
A debate on a topic he knew about... Cared about
I just loved seeing his sweet face engaged and lifted
And so intent. A happy mr that I love.

Anyway... That's completely gone
And me being the stupid
Non-detail long term remembering girl that I am
It's all lost mostly.
I do have lamont dozier
And a lot of associations with songs that I
Remember...

Ah. There it is. No choice but to move forward. There's no choice.
Cus otherwise I'm dead in the water
And it would be so so easy to give up
So if I have this fucking drive
That can save me from suicide
Where I HAVE to be someone
I HAVE to make something of myself.
I HAVE to be special and be happy and
Help people. There has to be
a reason why
I'm alive.
And If I feel that way....
There must be something.

If only...
If only's do no one
Any good
I just would only amputate
All of my limbs to
Have a couple days
With my mr.

God I miss you.
My Brother My Lover My Best Friend My Future My Past My Making Sense My Confirmation My Beauty My Reason Why My Hope My Calming My
this is right My it's ok My I get you My We can DO Anything!

I'm tired of trying to fill in the Hole.
Fill in the Whole.
I guess this whole game is
It'll come as it comes.

Whatever. I'm here.
I'm familiar with tears.
I'm a friend of my fears.
I'm ready to

yama mara

2009-05-18T17:48:00.000-07:00

Cool Quotes

2009-04-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

“Anyone desperate enough for suicide...should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.”
-Richard Bach

“Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live”
-Charles Caleb Colton

“Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”
-Doug Stanhope

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”
-Ben Okri

“Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living.”
-Terry Pratchett

“He would say, 'How funny it will all seem, all you've gone through, when I'm not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away...' And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.”
-Arthur Rimbaud

“It’s illogical, but I guess you could take a vitamin in the morning, and commit suicide in the afternoon.”
-Unknown

“To run away from trouble is a form of cowardice and, while it is true that the suicide braves death, he does it not for some noble object but to escape some ill.”
-Aristotle

“Live or die, But don't poison everything.”
-Ann Sexton

Times Like These

2009-04-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

At times like these I talk to you as if you're here
As if you can see my tears and kiss them away, kiss them away
It's gonna be ok, I love you
I like to pretend you can, you are
And think of what you'd say to me if you could see
The place I'm in, the war I fight,
and all the times I need you like the moon needs the night
All the moments I miss you thinking I'll just pick up the phone
Give you a call, tell you all about it, listen to your voice and
hear about your life so I don't have to feel so alone in this world
In this striving world of pressure.
Just your voice on the voicemail greeting is enough
To make me smile. And I can sing a silly song to make sure you know
I'm thinking of you - I'm yours and no one else in the world
Has my heart. It's just you.
Where are you? Where are you? Why am I?
Why?
I'm just a girl!
Yeah but you’re a beautiful girl, you're my girl.
Ahh, right there's a Mister Man for the ages.
Might as well accept it. You don't always get what you want.
It would be foolish to think so.
I for one can NEVER get what I want.
'Cause that would be you.

the cycle

2009-04-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

depression
begets
inaction
begets
despair
begets
anger
begets
action
begets
enthusiasm
begets
high expectations
begets
over-achievement
begets
disapointment
begets
exhaustion
begets
depression

at least it sometimes goes that way. not like there's any sense to the cycle at all. i need a mother and a hiatus from life. i so wish i was one of those people... one of those people everyone wanted to be around because they're happy. i'm working on it, but i don't think the prognosis is good. in which case, I don't really want to make anyone else suffer my presence. thank god my fucking cat doesn't care. i'm sure i'm just under the weather. maybe i'm sick. i have to keep hoping the next week will be better or some bull shit like that. i'm fucking tired of this shit though. what the hell am i even doing here? what is the fucking point of continuing to try in my life when it doesn't seem as though i can ever help anyone because i can't fucking be happy. it's ridiculous. it's really of no consequence. i'd like to say i'm not one to back out of a challenge, but i don't really want to undertake a multi-decade long challenge. i think right now i'm the one that needs help. i don't even have anyone i can go to and ask for a hug. so i have to swallow my feelings and slap myself away from the emotions and tell myself i don't need it. there's no one to help me. i'm supposed to do it all myself. i feel like i've tried a lot. and i don't know that it's gotten me very far. especially as far as how i'm feeling. i feel like a weak ineffective sad confused little girl. I guess instead of going home and hiding under the covers and escaping into sleep i will go to beach. i always feel better at the beach. and i will push through this... and there will be some other day sometime where i feel better. yeah. just gotta focus on that. and also, i think there was sometime a long time ago when i was happy more often. when i was a nice girl. when i could sort of feel like i was someone in a family of a world of someones. maybe i'll be that person again sometime. and i have the companionship of my memories of a friend who eased the burden of living for me, for little insignificant confused me, just by being there with me in the pressure of it all and understanding. i will go take a walk with them. funny how that special love lasts on and on even after the person is gone. that's nice.

A day for good things

2009-04-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

Maybe by the time April 6th falls on a Saturday I will understand all this and be at peace with it. Or just be at peace with it. That will be in the year 2013. If that isn't a reasonable goal I don't know what is. Anyway... happy birthday to my Mr. I would like to think he joined me today for a spicy tuna roll and some sake.

What is currently on my mind is....

It is a new chapter. Gone are the days of chasing after pleasure and trying to avoid pain or discomfort. No more hiding and striving and floundering to escape the present... for so long I have been keenly aware of what is not right in the world, and recklessly thrown myself into whatever feeling came from my thoughts, and been angry and hurt that I am not happy - unhappy for so many reasons. Well, somewhere in all of that mess I have a choice to think, to feel, and to do.

Here I am. My best friend is gone. The lump that rises in my throat and the tears squeezing out into my eyes are reactions to that thought. It's ok to feel pain and utter loss.

There is something about you, my best most closest friend... all this stuff I'm working on tryin to be a better person and grow up and stuff... I wish you were here. We coulda done some cool stuff. We coulda been happy. And coulda figured shit out. You woulda felt better. And now I'm just real confused. No reference point. But I'm beginning to realize that that's ok. Spicy tuna is tasty.

All right so today I remember, your cute fingers with certain freckles on them, the way it felt to squeeze your hand, how sometimes I would get so excited (about my mr. that is)... that I would have to squeeze your hand SO hard and squeal a little at the same time... and it would be cus I had a friend named mr that I loved. I remember my favorite smile of yours - that happened when you laughed at something funny and started off with no sound, and your mouth would open real wide and your eyes would raise and it makes me happy. I remember that one time you made me laugh really hard at something... and we laughed together and then in the middle of laughing I suddenly out of nowhere started crying... and you threw your arms around me so tender mr and held me and I felt silly and you said it's ok Hil, and loved me... Oh friend. Do you know that my favorite thing was to be close to you, my head on your shoulder and breathe in your smell and hear you say "it's going to be ok". Or even just hear you breathing. The amount of peace that would give me was immeasureable. If you only knew what an infinite comfort that was. And I remember your back... your sensitive spot... how I wished so much I could just rest my hand on it and somehow make the pain go away and make all the tense muscles let go and make it better. I remember your rusty red eyebrows and smoothing them like I could wipe away your worries. Your unmanageable exuberance about the things you loved. I remember the way you listened to me. And patiently waited for me to open up and encouraged me and taught me how to converse and taught me so many things. I remember your innocence.

Im sorry for all my negative flavoring and negative expectations... Really you taught me so much. I was just scared. We both were I guess. If only... I know these if only's are indulgent... but if only you would come back. Did you think I didn't love you anymore? Because I did. Hoplessly I did. And I believed in you! And in you and me and I thought we could get better and get smarter and grow up a bit and we'd be ok, we'd be better for eachother not so toxic... I know you coulda made it. We could of made it. I know it's not ok for me to "blame" myself and there's no point, but it's easy to think that I gave you the wrong impression, that my stupid decisions messed things up for you... but it was you that got yourself to that point where you were willing to pull the trigger... and I feel now alone and inadequate and utterly rejected. I mean, that could be construed as the ultimate complete rejection... But I will put a stop to that train of thought. Because all in all you left me with a beautiful love. I wish I could tell you face to face what you mean to me. And I miss all your innocent loving ways. You are always in my heart and always on my mind, and I send you sweet love all the time.

Happy Birthday my best.

tired

2009-04-03T16:33:00.001-07:00

is me.

I will now go find a way to stop thinking.

Bungling Bear Claws

2009-03-27T14:44:00.001-07:00

Not much I wouldn't give for a pair of sweatpants and a nap. Ahhhh. Well this morning in the interest of expirimenting I tried overloading my system with sugur and carbs in pastries, and cake... To see if it would make me feel better. It didn't work. If anything I feel worse, and have a bloated stomach on top of it. Although I have tried this expiriment thousands of times with similar results, I thought I'd give it just one more try and see if maybe it worked out this time. Why? If something is uncomfortable I feel compelled to DO something about it. If I don't do something it I must sit amidst the discomfort. I don't like that idea, so I will even try remedies I know to be false. Well, according to Einstein that would make me insane. He defines insanity as trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Hmmm. I feel better knowing I am just a little insane. I think I like myself better too. Sanity is a little hohumdrum if you ask me. Insanity means I can give up the hopless pursuit of normalcy, sophistication, or or some lasting security in myself and in life. But how do I balance insanity with rationale and maturity? It is not my aim to offend or hurt anyone else, but what if I do unintentionally... or I don't mean to embarrass myself and behave with shameless abandonment - or perhaps I do - but I don't intend to offend others indirectly by doing so. Insanity shouldn't be an excuse. What if I am a wild thing inside a person inside a world that is all complexified and turned in on itself from years and years of evolutionary advancement, rule-making, convention upon convention, fractioning off of people and groups... What if I don't fit into anything. What if I don't want to fit into anything? There is still some propriety required just in order to function society. A lot of times I don't have the energy or the heart for propriety. And then I want to fix myself with something. The alternative is to do nothing. This is something to which I am obviously still unacustomed. To do nothing. To be there - present in the moment with whatever feelings there may be, and accepting of the shakiness, the insecurity, the pain, the not quite right and not feeling good, but to somehow be honest and compassionate all the while. If I am continually striving to get the ground under my feet, to be free of suffering, I will only find further dissapointment and pain. Pema Chodron says:

"If we're willing to give up the hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation."

Suffering is not necessarily wrong. Its ok to not feel right. Suffering is part of life. Instead of trying to fix it perhaps I can be content to wait, relaxing with the panic or embarrassment or with the dissapointment, the anxiety... To have a joyful peaceful life I must give up all hopes of getting out of the present moment, escaping the present feeling... This is where I can make friends with myself and stick with myself through those times, instead of frantically finding something else to feel.

Still initially anyway, this is so unpleasant. I feel so like a little kid, and I feel like I need a parent to scoop me up and comfort me. Why can't things be that simple anymore?

And when it comes to loss, the absence of someone I had come to depend on, I am lost myself. I don't know how to do it, and a big part of me doesn't want to. Acceptance acceptance, no no no... Acceptance acceptance. My resistance doesn't do anything, makes things harder I suppose, but it feels better... It feels like I am faced with a most violent foe, and am stubbornly refusing to surrender my home, like I am making the heroic stand to hold on to my own dear familiar loved order of things, or lose my life. It feels like if I turn my back and walk away I'm going to lose something vital. There are so many millions of little things and fleeting moments that together define a unique and irreplaceable relationship. Words and pictures and facial expressions flash through my mind at the oddest times and I never know what will trigger them. And there are millions more that I can't even remember that I want back so that I can value them moreand so that I can freeze them in my mind, that leave me with just a big heavy undefined longing. I am afraid of losing all this if I "move on". I couldn't bear it. But it's all trying to bring him back. I don't understand this. I don't know how to grieve and let go at the same time and still love that sweet friend of mine. I feel tired. And it seems like time has gone way too fast and way too slow since he's been gone. It seems like it's been forever since I talked to him, but it feels like it all happened only yesterday, and I just got that phone call - and I'm sitting here trying to process it and prove it didn't actually happen. All of that is so vivid.

I think he would be proud of me for getting this far. I'm proud of me. My Mr. would say you're a strong girl and you're trying so hard. Don't let the bad guys get you down...

There's nothing for me to do but open up my hands, open up my heart, and let life run it's course. I can't control things, there are no elixirs, no escapes. It will never be perfect or easy. There is only acceptance. In this time I'm flooded with memories... And of course the old what if and why questions... What if I had done this? what if that event hadn't happened? what was he thinking these days? what were his last thoughts and feelings? what if I had noticed that tone in his voice? why didn't he tell me? why couldn't he just wait another week? why did he tell me he would see me soon? I am used to these questions and have acknowledged their futility... But they're still there. And then the memories... The good ones, all the things I loved about my friend, all the things that made him special, special to me, all the sweet loving things he did and all his wild wierdnesses and unique ideas, things we laughed about and times we cried, scary things, exciting things, traumas and hardship we overcame together, sacrifices we made, hopes and dreams we had... So many things. It's all priceless. And I miss that boy. I always will. And I do feel like I have him as part of me... Kinda like I carry him with me through my life. And I guess it will be the same with all those that I love. I'll think of them whenever I see a beautiful sunset or hear a beautiful song or have a feeling a want to share. This is life. And a Life that is insightful and compassionate requires a relationship with hoplessness and death.

"and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant, and whatever a sun will always sing is you"

countdown

2009-03-24T17:08:00.000-07:00

Big day coming. Are you ready? How can I be ready for something that has already happened.

Je suis prêt
I am ready

That is the motto of the Highland Frasers. Yep.. ready to keep fighting. Ready to fight and win. Or fight and lose. And all the people in the house say

Prêt et capable
Ready and able

Day by day by day... onandonadnonandon.

Perfection Wasted

2009-03-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

And another regrettable thing about death
is the ceasing of your own brand of magic,
which took a whole life to develop and market --
the quips, the witticisms, the slant
adjusted to a few, those loved ones nearest
the lip of the stage, their soft faces blanched
in the footlight glow, their laughter close to tears,
their tears confused with their diamond earrings,
their warm pooled breath in and out with your heartbeat,
their response and your performance twinned.
The jokes over the phone. The memories
packed in the rapid-access file. The whole act.
Who will do it again? That's it: no one;
imitators and descendants aren't the same.

John Updike

Failure

2009-03-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

It's not my fault she said
counting on her fingers reasons why,
and moving on to toes she thinks
it's just not worth it.
I must have missed something
between the here and the there,
and reasons don't change anything
and neither does prayer,
it seems.
It's still upon my very own shoulders
which seem to wax and wane
with the season, and the weather.
Either you do, or you don't
and then the chance is gone.
As she gets older she tries hard to see
that each failure contains potentiality
for analysis and gain.
And this guy named Winston said
success is the ability to go
from failure to failure
without losing enthusiasm.
Perhaps, though hard to fathom
it's not the failure itself
but lack of willingness to try again
that is the true weakness.
As she sits there with a crease
in her brow, she tries to figure how to
change her focus
from excusing to improving,
from scourging to encouraging,
from punishment to adjustment,
and with a sigh
her little mope is slowly stolen by a little hope.

The Best

2009-02-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

I want the best of the best to be had
and a sad state of things would deny it to me
I want to cough and feel good in a long deep breath of being
in now as I am
I miss you
your pleasure that rings in my ears and
takes the fear away and
makes me want to stay here a little bit longer
ok, just a little bit longer
your love is way stronger than reality
it's flirting with gravity and I know
I might fall too far
that might not matter so much unless
I want to fight that war of acceptance, ambition,
Purpose Possibility Potential
But I don't know that I do
I want the best it can be and it
might not be given in realms of the living
still unnatural best is much better than chasing
elusive and singular moments of good
I want that
Perhaps this fantasy Hastens the end with humane compassion and
mixes the pain of confusion with blinding ecstasy
and the illusion you're free
I would like to be free of the need
to decide and to try and try
so hard so constantly
for rewards so far from fulfilling
And starkly unmatched to the effort of willing
Can I please just let go of it all and fall?
Can that be ok?

One Thing

2009-02-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

Another night that's too warm and too cold
Playing solitaire, connecting puzzle pieces
A Van Gogh masterpiece that I will never see complete
'Cause there's a piece of me gone missing
I look everywhere, in the bed, on the stairs
In your favorite polo shirt with the blue stripes
and just a hint of what you smelled like.

I look for inspiration in the faces
Of old friends. Old faces on the wall
Memories of lights on the highway and night drives in the rain
And I can't stay strong for too long
Thought there were miles of time for us on the edge of the world
And if I could have just one thing, if I could have one thing
I'd have just one more night with you.

it's not the same

2009-01-27T18:27:00.000-08:00

i am not the same person. since i lost my friend. i have loss. i have lost him. i have lost myself. things used to be at least a little clear at least some parts of my life were familiar reliable defined good. now nothing is. except the loss. the feeling of emptiness. hollow confusion. i miss him. so much. it's much for me. at least sometimes. sometimes i feel ok. but never that great. never confident. i can't concentrate. not even on this. anyway, gist is, there is ok break because i can't write this without breaking down breathe breathe separate i can't just break into sobs in the middle of a crowded room... so ok better so the gist is, there is one person, one soul, one mind that i am aching for. one friend who knew me and who i knew. and that friend is gone and there's no changing it and there's no replacing it. that's who i'm thinking of. still sending love out to him. and aching along with anyone who misses anyone and who has lost someone. anyone feeling their way blindly through the pitch black darkness trying to remember who you are and hold on to love and hope.