Abundance

My first not so positive thoughts this morning were erased and replaced by love after seeing texts from my dear friend reminding me of love, and listening to a voicemail from my Emmy singing a pretty happy birthday to me, telling me she was going to do everything for me today. Walking the dogs for me. Taking them to doggy school for me. Eating a baked potato for me. She's cute.

At this point of my story, I accept the details of my reality, i value my reality, and i appreciate the lessons that i am to learn in order to progress. Love and beauty abound in mysterious ways, available for discovery and acknowledgement. There are many questions to ask, and a world of choices to make. There is meaning to my little corner of the world, a reason for my unique experience of humanity. I have to build my dream, but when I do my dream is now. The whole planet and universe stirs at the aspirations enabled by a hopeful imagination. Excitement replaces the need for the comfortable or familiar. My general goal in life is not to attain some kind of status, financial security or affluence, superiority, notoriety, and it is not to do or be something big or make an extreme contribution to the world, and it is not to follow some conventional life milestone road map and hit each checkpoint: College-check. Spouse-Check. Career-check. House-check. Child/family-check...etc. The goal, the point of all this is only the development of my consciousness.
Every difficulty contains the key to the growth of my wisdom and joy. Resistance to these challenges only blinds me from the beauty that connects it all. I will remember to sail the skies to reach the distant suns... a new perspective, an alternate view cleared by the threatening winds... and I see new skylines.

Stand on hills of long forgotten yesterdays
Pass amongst your memories told returning ways
As certain as we walk today
Press over moments leaving you
Out in the city running free
Days pass as seconds turn the key
The strength of the moment lies with you
Out tender outward lights of you
Shine over mountains make the view
The strength of you seeing lies with you


Other thoughts - I took my shower around 12:30 pm, because I slept in. My mind was focused on glass half full affirmations, and choosing positivity encouragement. and all of a sudden Joe comes to mind, and I burst into tears... this wasn't good because I was in the process of shaving my legs. I'm used to this. Random waves of emotion. It feels good in a way - at least if I'm clear headed... But it's just hard to not think what things would be like if he was still here. Maybe he'd be here with me, maybe he'd just call me. His voice and sweet little heart would make me so happy. A day like my birthday, requiring a kind of recognition and reinstatement of my identity... it automatically includes the past two years. It's hard. I accept I accept. I will learn this painful lesson for the sake of what is good. It's beautiful to me today - it's lovely to love me and my life... and to love someone that left me so much. It's like he's part of me so celebrating my birthday includes celebrating knowing him and fighting to survive the separation of death. I die and am reborn with each thought of him, and the subsequent calm deep breathing and the "tonglen" breath... the sending out love and compassion to all the hurting people. I miss you Joe. I love you. Thanks for loving me. I'll feel it forever cus you did such a darn good job, straight up mr man style.

All right, so I am full of what is good and worthy of hope and love.

I will sea i mean see the ocean today.

I will be conscious. I will see life in abundance around and in me. It's all about the love.