another girl with father issues... how fucking original

I like my dad when he's drunk. Or a little bit tipsy. I think he does too. Maybe he likes to be a dad when he's tipsy...

I try to have compassion. I know he has not had great examples in fatherhood - poor guy. He was somehow able to be strong and at least go make something of himself. But he's not able to pass on how he was able to do that. Now he has plenty of money. Is he happy? I don't know. I as his daughter am not priveleged to know these things. Nor am I privileged to disclose to him that I am struggling. To ask for help. He looks down on me for "being like my mother". In my right mind I can't resent him... Because I know what kinda shit he went through. But in my wrong mind I resent him like crazy. Why? Because I wish I could talk to somebody. I wish he would man up and say, don't worry honey, you'll be just fine. Here's what you need to do A. B. C. I'm fucking 26 and I'm worry about this? What kind of screw up am I? Whatever I'm trying not to judge myself on my father's terms. But it's like, damn I could use some fucking help here and I can't even tell you what I'm struggling with. I can't even tell you honestly what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling. I have to put on some act like I got it together. I really am feeling so fucking hopeless I can't stand it. All I want is a way out. I'm thinking up all these ways of escape. And also knowing that it's probably not going to work out. And everybody wants me to get it together and answer my phone. Well geez. Joe didn't budge a bit. Oh Joe. I wish we coulda switched places. You kinow, like maybe just make the decision that this life isn't really working out for me, I'm going to move on to the next one. Whatever. I've gotta pull myself out of this on my own. That's the only answer.

I want to stop eating all together. Waaaaaaste away.

Wipe the slate clean. Start from nothing. Nothing matters. One way or another it doesn't really matter.

And I'm supposed to be focusing on faith hope love in that order.

Have some faith girl, it might help you.

But I can't I'm too tired. And too worried. I can't handle this life.

Well you're gonna handle it.

I gotta find some other way to live.