ok i get it sort of

Not feeling sorry for myself:

It's more about not indulging those painful overwhelming emotions. This is a very subtle thing. How do you feel them and accept them within yourself without over indulging them. Tricky. I shall try. So feeling pain is ok. but going over the top and sinking into a non-functional pity party is not ok. I don't know how much of this is controllable, but probably more than is immediately apparent to me.

All this stress:

I forgot that I am here, alive, in the world, and that simply by being I'm serving my purpose. There is this engrained idea in my head that I have to BE something, I have to DO all these things, and I have to look a certain way and I have to be smart (learned) and beautiful (according to everones different standards, and really good at everything from any sport to soduku and blah blah blah... that's a lot of pressure. Makes time feel to short. Means I can't really be living my life until I'm all up on everything. That's difficult when I'm scratching together enough money to buy new tennis shoes or a performance outfit and barely able to have enough for a load of laundry and gas. and my full time job sucks away all my time. and I'm struggling with the death of my best friend still. So I went to a yin yoga class last night that was so beautiful... a crazy journey in my racing and distractible head that is so riddled with negativity. An hour and a half went by I was still grappling with myself and struggling to not dissolve into self hatred... letting go and grabbing on, back and forth back and forth for the whole class. And it's not like I was enlightened at the end of it, but I continued to stand up to myself, to try to calm myself, to slow down, to find some love inside me, to find God... I felt so lost. And back and forth... i couldn't find me. I couldn't find God, I felt distant and removed from everything... but what I did find by the end, was some faith. Some faith that even if I can't feel it, God loves me. God holds me and everything else. This was such a relief. I envisioned God as my mother comforting me, and just opened up my heart with all the stress and pain and despair, hoplessness, guilt, love, etc.

Joe:

As I saw myself in the presence of my Divine Mother, seeking and longing to be swallowed by love and nurturing and comforting, I began to feel a closeness of an amazing calming soothing presence, and I thought I should try to let go of some of the overwhelming feelings about Joe I've been having. Because I miss him so much it's been almost unbearable. I know I'm not the only one who has lost someone. It's just that I don't understand how anyone does it. I just didn't have enough time with him. I just can't conveive of my future or my identity anymore, and everything seem so confusing. And I would give anything just to feel close to him again. That together with all the regret about, he would of been ok if this, and I coulda helped him figure things out if that, and what if what if... still? I made it past the one year mark. Still? how long is this going to take? How can a bear a lifetime of this kind of pain? Ok, so as I was sitting in the lap of this giant comforting mother, feeling some kind of strange peace, I felt from her, It's ok to feel all these things. It's ok. Don't be afraid. And I relinquished, I surrendered, and that felt better - the pain is still there, but it's ok to feel the pain. I don't have to run from it or be all better. and then as I allowed myself to feel everything withouth the fear it was kind of like a peaceful pain, a kind of pain that made me smile, and I said to God, divine mother - I don't know where he is, I lost him and I have all this love and I can't find Joe to give it to him, and I don't want him to be hurting. and she opened her arms and showed me that Joe was right there with her, see he's here with me too. and then I felt flooded with relief again because then I knew he was all right, and that I can find Joe with God in peace, and I was smiling at him, but just a few tears were falling, slow calm tears, and I looked at Joe, who was more of a voice and a heart that my heart recognized knew so well, and he reached out his hand to touch mine and a beautiful warm light was coming from him and his hand, and love was written all over his face and he smiled back, and said quietly, hey girl. and then I just stayed there for a moment in a peaceful beautiful space being held in the arms of God and resting together with my dearest friend being surrounded by love. Pretty soon I started to feel a little anxious that I was going to have to start moving again and go back to conciousness in the normal world, and I really just wanted to stay there, but then I knew that space is always there. And I have so much more peace knowing where to find Joe, and having faith that love is there - that there is divinity so much bigger than myself and my short little life span... that is the source of life. There is a source to go to.

ok, so faith leads to peace and love.

So as I left the studio at aroun 10:15 I walked back to the car garage, but I didn't want to get into the car and go home. I wanted to linger with these thoughts and the letting go and the memory of finally connecting with him. So I walked back. It was slightly windy, but warm. The full moon was shining so bright, I could see all the darker blue amidst the shining silver. It was beautiful. I just wanted to hear the sound of the waves. I walked accross to the beach slowly, remembering, smiling, breathing. And I sat there at the water listening... waves are so stereo, they go back and forth horizontally, split in the middle and surround you left and right, and then come back to crash into eachother in the center... I love the beach at night. The sand feels cool. The water looks like a black rolling mountain except on the edge where the foam of the waves shine... especially if there is a lot of moonlight. And I whispered my gratitude for everything. Thank you.

So that was where I realized, I don't have to work so hard. It's ridiculous. I just have to be, and seek love, seek the truth. So now, I try desperately to remember that.

I don't know how much of this stuff is "in my head" but I do believe in God, as a concept, as in something bigger than myself, as in a source of love. And I know that what I saw in my mind last night was the most comforting illuminating experience I've ever had, so it's worth so much regardless of what it is. and it felt real to me. I know in meditation they tell you to value highly any visions that are seen. and I do.

My intentions to get up at 5am and go buy coffee for the office were not realized. This threatened to derail me. But I'm holding on to peace. And of course feeling close to my mr. Now I just need to find a way to learn more. I think I need a teacher.

on to the rest of the day. love. peace. humility. faith.