plans

I was thinking I could try a new font today. It's a day for newness. It's a new day.

Time for another plan.

After being completely derailed for a total of almost 2 weeks, I feel as if I've gained 10 pounds of fat, lost 10 pounds of muscle, and grown down to a childs state, completely lost sight of my immediate future, my long term future, and what I can do to change it, degraded myself completely by not taking care of myself in the most basic of ways, i.e. brushing my teeth, drinking water, wearing clean clothes... I have allowed myself to hide by any and all possible means, closing blinds, watching movies, reading... Anything to spare me the horror of being by myself with myself in the middle of this mess that is my life... And the thought of slowly wittling away at this chunk of spew is something awful... Nauseating, crazifying, makes me feel like a demon or something. All right, so I have been self diagnosing and self correcting for years. It's time to go right ahead and do it again. I'm past the point of thinking there is one fix that will do me for life... Right? Not happening. What I accept is that I will continue to trip and fall and pick myself up for the entirety of my life. That's how it goes. And depending on my mentality it can be a beautiful thing. Right? right. (Reluctant capitulation).

SO what is actually going on here? I am FRIGHTENED by the reality of my life. Traffic Tickets. Money. Rent. Cleanliness. Clothes. Always fighting these URGES. Health. Friends and social life. Music... Am I wasting my time? School. Am I smart enough? Learning more. Doing more. Men. Why am I alone. Where is that one person who loved me. What the hell happened in that whole foggy 5 years? I'm supposed to BE someone. Not enough time. Not enough focus. I have to change jobs. I have to move. I have to find a roomate. I have to get a computer. A lot of it is money problems I think.

So in full support of the notion that people can change... meaning me - I CAN GET BETTER! I CAN IMPROVE. I CAN SUCCEED - I will now formulate a new plan. These plans rarely come to fruition, but it's not the plan itself that pulls me out of the despair, it's the little flame of hope I fan by making the plan.
So we're off. Lets start by saying (and believing)some affirmations. Ok well first lets find some appropriate ones.

Google search: How to love yourself.
Just got intercepted by live broadcast of the memorial service. Lucky Michael Jackson.

Loving myself can hold for a second.

Ok...
1. Love is a choice. Make the choice to love yourself: Learning to love yourself starts with making a conscious decision, an intention to become happy and lead a fulfilled life. Loving yourself is honoring your essence - your unique/eternal spirit.
2. Forgive yourself
3. Nurture yourself - find out what makes you feel good and do it
4. Stop Worrying
5. Trust yourself
6. Grow Spiritually
7. Make Positive affirmations each day. "I love and accept myself completely and unconditionally"; "I deserve to be happy and balanced in mind, body, spirit."
8. Be gentle and kind in changing the ways of your mind
9. Be loving to your negatives - acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need, and now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. Lovingly release the old patterns.
10. Look in the mirror in your eyes with love and say "I forgive myself for believing that I was not worthy of love."

Express gratitude for the person you are.

Ok. I will find and express fogiveness and love for myself. I will be patient with my slow progress. I will accept the imperfection of everything with love. I will nurture my spirituality.
Really it all comes down to love. That is the goal and the reason and the key and the door to freedom... And so that has to be my main focus.

THE PLAN:
I'm drawing blanks and shooting myself with them.
Simplicity is the key. And love.

This is where I'll start:
1. Diet (detox focus)
2. Prayer - meditation - Prioritize finding some time for this.
3. Exercise - I know what to do here... Don't make it harder than it is. Just do a little bit everyday.
4. Focus on Love and Gratitude, and Conciousness/Mindfulness... Experiencing and noting every tiny thing

NEXT DAY
Ok so now it's Wednesday 7/8. It is 8:42am. This morning I walked in almost 15 minutes late... And I know he'll round up... And Boss was right outside the elevator. Great. Thanks. Excellent. Now sitting with my coffee after having emptied the dishwasher I'm pretty much over it. When people say "MY coffee" rather than just "coffee" or "some coffee"... What does that mean? I'm making it mine... Exerting my control in having it... Exerting my posession of it, expressing a familiarity with having coffee, being cutsy... I don't know. It certainly sounds more cozy. Whatever. More on status. My stomach hurts. I've done it to myself with the smooth move tea and the late night indulging. So I'll accept the punishment. But I have to figure something out with that. I deserve to have control and balance in my eating habits. Simple as that. It's not a big deal. Don't make it a big deal. Whatever, anyway, the fact of being late has faded in with the myriad of other things I'm trying to "work through" today. No wonder things take such a long time for me. Because just to do something, or intending to do something sloughs up all sorts of "issues" and problem areas and logical fallacies and self criticism... That I must then pick apart and counteract and conquer just to get to the place of starting the task. And completing the task is a different story all together. Really I am warring against my own personal nightmare antagonists. I should come up with a warrior name for myself - visualizing myself as a courageous and strong warrior adds a little sense of adventure to this whole situation. And whenever beset by my enemies I can dissappear into my sexy superhero outfit and fight them off with my warrior skills. Haha!

So we are still working on a plan. This plan will initiate a gentle introduction back into a healthy routine that continually keeps the balance and peace of my mind, body, and soul a solid priority. It must address all three of those things or it will fail. I intend to find a groove that can help me stay on track indefinitely. And I trust myself to make the decisions and take the actions that will get me to the right place.

-I AM DESERVING OF EVERYTHING I DESIRE
-I AM COMPLETELY ADORED BY THE DIVINE SOURCE OF LOVE
-I AM A POWERFUL, AND LOVING, UNIQUE, WISE AND JOYOUS SPIRIT THAT CAN NAVIGATE ALL CHALLENGES GIVEN TO ME
-I LOVE YOU

Ok, so I will visualize desired outcomes. Instead of criticising myself I will praise myself for every little good thing. I will let go of worry and simply focus on being kind and gentle. I will continue to guide myself back to experiencing each moment, each opportunity, each feeling without judgement or dishonesty - instead of trying to escape or change things - goal is to open and feel and experience mindfulness.

So my sister was really nice to come over last night and be with me... Force me to open up a little, although it was more like gentle persuasion. It was very nice. She says I put up walls, and that she loves me and is there for me and all I need to do is ask if I need help...among lots of other things I needed to hear - like we'll get through this... I'll feel better soon and she'll help me... It'll be ok. I guess it reminded me it's ok to hurt. And I do. I'll admit it straight up. Right now I'm hurting a lot for some reason. She's very right about the walls though. This is something I will have to get to the bottom of. What is that defense mechanism and why is it there? Why is it that when it gets too much for me I just shut down instead of going to someone like my sister for help or just a talk? Why do I feel like I have to hide how I feel, pretend like I'm fine, or isolate if I can't pretend... Why do I feel incapable of talking about how I feel? Maybe it's a trust thing... I don't want to trust anyone with that vulnerable hurting child or something. It really is an odd place to go. And scary. So that's something to think about. Anyway, thank you sister, for being patient as I convince myself to accept love from people, and for being consistent, helping me trust you.

Whatever... I will start with just today.
The plan:
- At least one flight of stairs (one flight done yeay!)
pushups/dips where I can
a walk or an hour of activity tonight - doable! Start slow and be loving and patient every step of the way!
-Bedtime at 1030pm. Meditate at 1015. start getting ready for bed at 10pm
-10 minute meditation
-Diet... Work on having a start time and a finish time. An end of the meal. Brush your teeth, walk or exercise, or have a lot of water to "top off".
- Water -Shoot for 3-4 liters (96-128 oz, 12-16 cups) of water per day. No less than 2 liters.

Ok. Now don't get scared. We are going to find a way to deal with the following:
NOW:
Traffic Ticket 7/31/09
Rent
Plane ticket home/drive?
Laundry/clothing situation
Dishes and sink

ASAP:
Dentist - just make an appt.
PSYCH - adjust dosage, refil
Docs appts
New or additional job
Move
Computers

We will tackle the most pressing items and develop a plan. Everything will be ok. That's all for now. Slow and easy, one thing at a time. And remember I love you. Wow. When I say that to myself it reminds me of Joe. Funny. I associate those words with him. And I can hear him saying them. It makes me feel like all that love I feel for him is magically turned back and given to me. And that's nice. Gives me a reference point. I sure do miss that friend of mine.